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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just gave birth to first baby and Married to husband who doesn’t stand up for you to his Mother.

97 replies

Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 16:24

Hi Everyone,

So just given birth about 5 weeks ago to first baby. I really made it clear to everyone that I do not want anything posted on social media about the birth of our son, until I was ready to do so. (I said this right before he was born).
Fast forward

The baby is now born and two weeks later, I decided “right now I’m ready to announce the birth of our baby boy” as my family all live abroad now that’s how I was going to let them know.
Log on to Facebook only to realise that my Mother in Law announced the birth or our baby boy on Facebook on the day that he was born. So my family told me the saw the announcement on Facebook some weren’t that happy about how they came to find out about it. I was really upset since I wanted to be the one to announce the birth of our first child. I thought it was very rude and inconsiderate of her to post it without permission.

Anyways, I complained to my husband about it since it’s his mother. I asked him to let her know that i did not want anything posted (she knew that I asked specifically not to but still did it).
When it comes to telling his mother anything he tends to beat around the bush and not say what the actual problem is. I wanted her to know that it was not okay to post it. Of course he did not tell her that instead, he said “I see a status was updated...” ( via text of course) then he went on to say that some of my family wasn’t happy finding out second hand on Facebook with which she responded “ oh well, tough I was just excited..”

He did not remind her of what I said or that I was unhappy about it. And now just want me to forget about it. So he chickened out. Also his mother became passive aggressive when I said I will be the one to give him his first bath. It’s like once I had the baby every one automatically thinks I want to just give him up for someone else to look after! I hadn’t even bonded with my baby properly yet. I just wanted everyone to just leave me alone with my baby. It was a traumatic experience giving birth and I want to forget all about it.
I do not trust my mother in law with looking after my baby or anyone since I was a victim of rape as a child via family member. I do not want the same thing to happen to my baby. Do not yet trust any one but my mother at the moment.

Mother in law and sister in law is being very forceful and my husband doesn’t stand up for me at all. Instead he gets defensive and turn it on me instead. It’s so frustrating it doesn’t help that I’m alone in this country my family are abroad. Can’t count on my husband to take my side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:15

@ukgift2016
At this rate, I don’t care if I come across to them as petty. If they requested the same I would respect their wishes. My parents respect my wishes and have no problem whatsoever. The mother in law feels entitled an knows no boundaries. And as far as I am aware if she doesn’t respect those boundaries then I cannot trust her to look after my child in the future. She will completely raise my baby the complete opposite of what I’ve asked.
I do not believe I am overreacting at all. She had no right and should respect our privacy on where social media is concerned.

OP posts:
mmmm25 · 24/02/2019 18:16

OP not an overreaction at all on your part. Your MIL sounds very overbearing and your husband needs to stand up for you.
Unfortunately it seems he would rather upset you than her. Just stick to your guns otherwise you'll end up downtrodden. Was your husband like this before you married?

azulmariposa · 24/02/2019 18:20

You need to sort out your issues about trusting others with your baby, certainly there will be some people that you will trust more and the mil's behaviour is not helping. But there will be times when you need someone to care for your baby, or visits to the doctors or when they start nursery. They will have to be in the care of others then, and if you sort out your issues about it now, it will be much easier later. I know what happened in the past is responsible for the way that you are feeling, but you need to see a counsellor that will help you develop some trust.

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:20

@LaughingCow99
His behaviour is completely new to me. He has never been a coward. We discussed boundaries for both sides of the family and agreed on it before baby was born. If I knew he would turn and not stick to his word I would have handled it myself and for the sake of peace I thought he’d be able to handle it better as it’s his mother.

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 24/02/2019 18:21

With the unwanted benefit of personal hindsight, I would advise setting firm boundaries straight away, yourself, by being very definite though polite. It wouldn’t be easy but the alternative is even worse x

ukgift2016 · 24/02/2019 18:21

So because she did not wait two weeks and posted on her FB, she will now not be allowed to look after her grandchild?

Oh my, well like I said mummy007, your be a mil too one day too :)

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:22

@Namechangeforthiscancershit
Extended family found out from mother in laws status. My parents had no problem in respecting our wishes with waiting...

OP posts:
KindnessCrusader · 24/02/2019 18:25

My babies had their first baths about 2 days after they were born.

Well done you Hmm

MrsBartlettforthewin · 24/02/2019 18:25

As someone who at times has found their MIL over baring I completely understand where you are coming from. I was lucky as DH will put her straight. But if he wouldn't then I would as I don't have time to be dealing with that sort of pressure.

Give DH one more chance to set her straight if he doesn't then you tell her and don't have her round when you don't want her there. And next time she is round have the stuff she's bought you by the front door and say ' oh MIL this is all on the way to the charity shop as we don't need it feel free to take any of it with you if you know someone who needs it.' If she kicks off kick her out. Your baby your way of doing things. If she wants to be involved in baby's life then she has to play nice with you.

NotTheFordType · 24/02/2019 18:30

Are you in your H's home country OP?

redexpat · 24/02/2019 18:33

MrsBartlett has it.

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:33

@ukgift2016

Yes, I will be a Mother in law who respects my daughter in laws wishes. Smile

OP posts:
Nc1548 · 24/02/2019 18:33

Congratulations on your baby OP, I hope you will be able to set boundaries that will allow you to enjoy this time.
You have been through a lot, labour, lack of sleep. Your DH should get used to looking after his family rather than doing what his mother wants, but if he doesn't I would make sure that the boundaries are in place in your home. ILs don't visit or stay unless invited. If they want to give you things that you already have return them to the shop, donate them or bin them. It may sound petty but being your first child this is when you will set the tone for years to come. I hope your DH will support you.

Nc1548 · 24/02/2019 18:37

So because she did not wait two weeks and posted on her FB, she will now not be allowed to look after her grandchild?

If she can't be trusted to respect the parent's wishes she can't be trusted with the child, no. It extends beyond FB from what OP says, so it sounds like she'll do as she pleases if she's allowed to.

LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 18:48

His behaviour is completely new to me. He has never been a coward.

It's not new to you, you said he beats around the bush and avoids issues with his mother. Knowing this, you should have spoken to the mil and let her know the depth of your hurt yourself.

I have not personally heard of someone not telling their family about a birth for two weeks. Not criticising, that's entirely your choice, but are you sure your family weren't actually annoyed that while his family knew, you kept them waiting?

If you don't like the mil buying things, tell her to stop. Tell her instead what you would prefer as she seems keen to contribute. I'm not saying she is right, but you are going to have to compromise if you are going to have a relatively stress-free relationship with the woman. Look at the bigger picture.

SpanielEars070 · 24/02/2019 18:55

He isn't going to take a stand so you need to.

Next time she brings something you already have, you say "thanks MIL but we already have one and just don't have the room for a spare. It would lovely if you could exchange for X though as we don't have that".
And so forth.

Yes you've just had a baby but you don't have to be a doormat for her bullish behaviour.

poppingoff · 24/02/2019 19:05

No, the only compromising that needs to happen is between OP and her DP.

Start as you mean to go on, OP. I'm sorry you can't rely on your husband to support you at only 5 weeks post birth. Thanks

Noname99 · 24/02/2019 19:08

Wow! So because of a childhood trauma (which has nothing to do with your husband or MiL) you have decree that only your mother can look after your baby. So this baby is not your husbands too then? This baby is clearly yours and you get to decide and your husband ......? He doesn’t get a say then?

poppingoff · 24/02/2019 19:11

She said "at the moment" @Noname99 It's been 5 weeks! MIL is hardly busting a gut to prove she can be trusted.

LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 19:12

We all have to compromise at times. Either that, or cut the mil out entirely and see how long the marriage lasts. No problem at all if the op doesn't want to remain married, but I'm not picking up on that.

The mil shouldn't have blabbed the birth on FB and she shouldn't be buying gifts that aren't needed. She is definitely ott, but expecting the husband to fight battles (when he clearly doesn't and hasn't done so in the past) is hardly going to resolve the situation.

JaniceBattersby · 24/02/2019 19:14

So when you told your extended family, did they not say to you that they already knew, because they’d seen it on FB? I’m confused why it took you two weeks to realise that she’s posted it.

Anyway, I can’t really get too worked up about it. She was excited. I don’t think it’s worth falling out with her over. People who are not on mumsnet or have recently had babies probably just don’t understand the etiquette about posting this stuff on social media. I wouldn’t have had a clue before I had my kids.

poppingoff · 24/02/2019 19:16

No, when I'm a grandparent, I don't expect any compromising for my benefit. I'll respect the parents wishes, and that's how I'll keep my place in the family.

Noname99 · 24/02/2019 19:22

popping
All she’s done is posted (presumably on her on fb) that’s she’s a grandmother! I would love to see the response if it was the husband being that controlling, dedlcreeing who can and can’t share their exciting news, who can and can’t look after the baby. What makes the mother’s mother more important than the fathers?

LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 19:22

That's fine poppy, don't compromise. Unfortunately compromising, within reason, is what many people do to make life easier. Clearly, not everyone is as understanding and mature as you are.

MrsMcW · 24/02/2019 19:23

OP, I feel your pain and can only offer this advice: do not ever leave it to your husband to sort something out with his mother. My DH is the same, he is a real mummy's boy and always will be. I know it's tough, and seems like he should be the one to deal with it, but if you have issues with your MIL then you need to talk to her yourself.

Second piece of advice is pick your battles. If she buys you a load of tat you don't need, just smile sweetly, say thank you and then flog it on eBay in a couple of months.