Just gave birth to first baby and Married to husband who doesn’t stand up for you to his Mother.

[Mummmy007]

Hi Everyone,

So just given birth about 5 weeks ago to first baby. I really made it clear to everyone that I do not want anything posted on social media about the birth of our son, until I was ready to do so. (I said this right before he was born).
Fast forward

The baby is now born and two weeks later, I decided “right now I’m ready to announce the birth of our baby boy” as my family all live abroad now that’s how I was going to let them know.
Log on to Facebook only to realise that my Mother in Law announced the birth or our baby boy on Facebook on the day that he was born. So my family told me the saw the announcement on Facebook some weren’t that happy about how they came to find out about it. I was really upset since I wanted to be the one to announce the birth of our first child. I thought it was very rude and inconsiderate of her to post it without permission.

Anyways, I complained to my husband about it since it’s his mother. I asked him to let her know that i did not want anything posted (she knew that I asked specifically not to but still did it).
When it comes to telling his mother anything he tends to beat around the bush and not say what the actual problem is. I wanted her to know that it was not okay to post it. Of course he did not tell her that instead, he said “I see a status was updated...” ( via text of course) then he went on to say that some of my family wasn’t happy finding out second hand on Facebook with which she responded “ oh well, tough I was just excited..”

He did not remind her of what I said or that I was unhappy about it. And now just want me to forget about it. So he chickened out. Also his mother became passive aggressive when I said I will be the one to give him his first bath. It’s like once I had the baby every one automatically thinks I want to just give him up for someone else to look after! I hadn’t even bonded with my baby properly yet. I just wanted everyone to just leave me alone with my baby. It was a traumatic experience giving birth and I want to forget all about it.
I do not trust my mother in law with looking after my baby or anyone since I was a victim of rape as a child via family member. I do not want the same thing to happen to my baby. Do not yet trust any one but my mother at the moment.

Mother in law and sister in law is being very forceful and my husband doesn’t stand up for me at all. Instead he gets defensive and turn it on me instead. It’s so frustrating it doesn’t help that I’m alone in this country my family are abroad. Can’t count on my husband to take my side.

PFBzilla has landed...

You expected your own parents to wait two weeks before telling their brothers and sisters? Massively PFB I’m afraid. Do you understand that other people are happy about your son too, and want to say “hey, I’m a grandparent!” Etc - or indeed to answer concerns from people wanting to know when you’re going to deliver, and if you’re ok! It is odd that your aunts and uncles in another country are Facebook friends with your mil. It’s completely natural to not want anyone else looking after your tiny baby, but I hope your dh doesn’t think this is because you fear your mil will abuse your baby.
OP I notice you say the birth was traumatic and I would think a lot of your current feelings are connected to this.

@Travisandthemonkey

Thank you.
So is there anything you’d like to contribute positively or....

I assume MIL tagged OP and her husband and that's how extended family saw it?

My DP is a woos when it comes to his mum to, he says it's for a quiet life. Well it's a quiet life in my house nowadays cause I refuse to have anything to do with her which I think he prefers cause he's not getting an ear bashing from me every time she is rude or over steps the mark with her behaviour towards me anymore. Looking at my MIL as an example she's a very controlling and outspoken know it all, and DP is a mummy's boy so I think he's just been conditioned throughout his life to not stand up to her and still at 39 years old doesn't do so. It sounds like your MIL is similar and perhaps your DP isn't used to standing up to her either. It's in his best interests to do so tho so you can continue being one family unit for your child's sake, mine know that mummy and nanny don't talk or see each other which at times I feel is unfair on them but it's also unfair on them me and DP arguing every other week because her behaviour towards me as been unfair. As I say it suits us really now but if your DP can he should make the effort to keep things between you two more balanced and tell her firmly that this is your baby and you both intend on parenting your way.

I can understand your partner here. I get being pissed that she announces it on Facebook and you wanted to do it that day or the next. At 2 weeks I would definitely do what he did, pay lip service to your request whilst thinking it is a bit crazy. It's news, who cares how it is heard? If anything the family were probably more upset you hadn't told them for 2 weeks than specifically it was the MIL that told them.

@Muddysnowdrop

Please previous messages where I clarified that I had informed my parents and also my brothers and sisters. My parents siblings were already informed these were others who we call Aunty out of respect not relatives. I was still in hospital.

I feel as though we were within our rights to ask or family to respect our wishes and privacy.

OP

You need to turn this areound and make you the focus

I’m upset because I didn’t want DC on Fab
I’m not happy because I want to take care of DC
WE don’t need X bath/push chair cluttering up OU house please skip them/return them to sender

You don’t not have to mention MIL at all -

I won’t be going to X and am doing Y instead

Leave him to sort the rest

Well the fact that they weren’t actually your relatives makes you less reasonable, not more! And this is the first time you’ve said that... As a mother there will always be someone being pissed off about something that you do, try to ride over some of it or you’ll have a harder time than you need to.

@Reallyevilmuffin
They didn’t care that it was 2 weeks later. The care about how the news was delivered. They made that very clear.

You may not care how that news is delivered but I do. It’s kind of a big deal being a first time Mother it was our news to share.
My parents understood that completely and the mother in law agreed that she would not do it but still did it. Literally right after the baby was pushed out of my “Promise Land”.

So they weren't even relatives. Oh fgs, op, Let it go.

Your poor husband.

Listen . It’s your news . It’s your baby. You do what you want.

If you told yourmil not to put it on social media she shouldn’t have.

Congratulations btw . Do it all your way and don’t let anyone muscle in on your time with the baby .

I’ve met lots of mothers who regret letting in laws and even their own parents steal moments with their children that they should have had . Eg first bath or change etc .

You do what you want you’ve done the hard work .

And no , you do not need to trust anyone but yourself with your baby.

She should not have put it on social media so quickly, but two weeks was an unreasonable request. Your mil posting should not have involved your aunties finding out. You need to make it that anything you are tagged in does not appear on your timeline without your approval. This is easily done. Please bear in mind how much your baby means to other people, as well as to you.

Tweety, I kind of think she needs to trust her husband with his own baby, too.

Yea I mean husband of course should be trusted (unless good reason not to!)

I don’t get way mils have the run of dils nowadays ,

I don’t get how they expect to have respectful and reciprocated productive relationships with their dils when they seem to think they have the god given right to do as they please and devalue and disregard their dils ( the mother of their grandchild’s ) feelings .

Just because we are women and married a man it doesn’t mean we have to be dictated by our MILs . Our husbands would never expect the same from our parents !

I think you have to let the social media thing go. Presumably all our relatives now know it was not your choice to announce the birth that way.

Now you need to concentrate on standing firm RE your choices about who gets to look after the baby and when. There is no need for you mil to stay over in these early days. Firmly tell your husband you don’t want that. If he refuses to stand up to his mum then firmly reiterate that to his mum.

There are some really nasty replies on here. Just not needed. OP step away from the Facebook issue, ask your MIL to stop undermining yours and your husband's parenting and then be polite but ignore her jibes. If she persists in her behaviour then you and your husband need to have a conversation about how to deal with her. Ask her to keep the second items she has bought at her house. I am sorry for what you went through as a child. And I am sorry there are some righteous perfect mums on here with little empathy or sympathy.

She does sound overbearing. If your husband isn't going to say anything though then you need to address it directly with her.

You have the problem with his mother so you can sort it.

I do feel sorry for these husbands sometimes.