I cannot cope with my daughter

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My daughter is 9 years old and I have never felt any connection with her. She is constantly needy, clingy, complains about everything and I really can’t stand being around her. I struggle to touch her or show her any affection. She irritates me constantly. She has no concept of personal space and is constantly in my face wanting attention. I have 2 other children who I love very much and love spending time with but everything is ruined when she is there too. I can’t stand her. Now most of the time I manage to hide it, I muddle along and pretend everything is OK. But every so often I can’t deal with it any more and I crack. I’m sick of it. I’ve had counselling and it didn’t help. Don’t tell me this is a choice and if I wanted to change then I would because I can’t. There is something so deeply embedded in my brain that I can’t accsss and I don’t know what to do about it. If it makes any difference I was abused as a child by my own mother but I don’t see that it matters really. I’m not my mother but I just can’t get over this. Please help, where do I go for help now?

Could I suggest that you remove yourself from your DD when your emotions are overwhelming you? I've had overwhelming emotions connected with my childhood abuse and I disappear to my room when it's all getting on top of me.

You must protect her, as far as possible, from having to deal with your negative emotions towards her.

It sounds like your daughter has attachment issues due to your apathy and evident dislike for her. Has it always been this way? How old are your other children?

Google attachment theory and different types of attachment. If the child hasn’t made a secure attachment to you then it explains the constant clingy-ness. She’s desperate for you to love her. If I’m honest, it sounds like you are being very emotionally neglectful and I feel terrible for your poor child.

This is really offbeat, but I know someone this worked for.

I had a friend with a similar relationship with her brother. She went for past life regression therapy.

I don’t know what that therapy did, but it worked.

No matter what you pursue, you need to overcome this. You should also tell your partner so he picks up your slack. You’ve missed out on a lot of the years she was lovable. It won’t be too long before she’s a teen who wants nothing to do with you.

I feel sick reading this thread. I was your daughter. My mother clearly couldn't stand me. I never looked for affection or anything from her though as I was too hurt. I cried myself to sleep every night as a child. I hated myself for not being nice enough, not being good enough. I was so ashamed thay I was so awful that even my own mother couldn't love me. I self harmed as a teenager, I drank myself to oblivion, I slept with many unsuitable men. I hated myself and it was all her fault. She destroyed me.

I don't speak to her now, my siblings all keep their distance from her because they saw what she did to me. She is a sad, lonely old woman and she deserves it for the years and years of emotional abuse she put me through.

I hope your daughter has someone she can turn to, someone who will tell her that she is good enough, that it is you who isn't.

Your poor, poor child. My heart aches for that little girl. She deserves so much better than you.

Unless there's a radical change in the OP's attitude towards her DD1, sadly she'll be on the Stately Homes thread as an adult.

I don't think I've ever been so saddened by a thread on here.

I also wonder if you are re-enacting your own abuse on her, or putting her in your role somehow?

Do you think that perhaps the things you see in her that wind you up so much are the things you hate in yourself?

Or even perhaps the things that made you a victim when you were little?

I feel sorry for you as well as for your daughter, because I too am being an awful parent at the moment. I’m being really angry with DS, 8, and I know it’s disproportionate, and I can’t seem to stop it. It’s awful and I truly hate myself for it. In my case it’s especially awful because I never used to shout at DS at all until the last year, so it must be such an awful shock for him.

I promised not to ever, ever shout at my child because my mother was horribly abusive and screamed at me for hours every day. So for me to be shouting at DS, even once is a horrible betrayal of everything I stand for. I feel like utter shit. To think of the damage I’m doing to my poor darling boy. I need to stop.

And you need to stop too.

For me, the first step is to admit it. Which is what I’m doing now. And what you are doing. Then I need to work out what is triggering me to do this, because insight is the beginning of everything. And I hope that if I can understand exactly why I am so angry right now, at DS, in this particular moment, then my anger will start to dissolve. And then it will be manageable with techniques like removing myself when I feel my temper rising, and better, hopefully not getting into situations that will end in me getting angry in the first place.

I suspect it will be a longer road for you, but a similar one in many ways. Good luck to us both.

The amount of people judging on here who obviously don't understand at all. I have the same situation with my eldest child and yes I had postnatal depression and following that my daughter was an EXTREMELY difficult child who never slept and whose default personality trait is angry and manipulative and you can bet your ass all the perfect Mum's on here will want to slam me for the way I feel too but I haven't enjoyed parenting her at all. It's not how I want it to be but I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. Just hang in there Momma that's all I can say. It's what I'm doing.

Why resurrect a 2.5 year old thread???

This is so hard and you are very brave. Be kind to yourself. My youngest daughter is very much the same and I get irritated too but I try to self regulate the best I can. Two of my other kids have quite complex personalities and take up a lot of my time. She is vying for my attention. She interrupts constantly, calls my name relentlessly and then has to "think" of something to say on the hop because she didn’t really need me. All this amounts to really is that she loves me and wants my attention. Practical things I do is take a sharp inhalation of breathe and don’t say anything immediately. I try to do things just the two of us so she feels special (she is). I apologise if I blow up, it’s not her fault. I also try to see things through her lenses - very literally. i.e she is smaller than me looking up, she has thoughts, what do I think they are? She has feelings, I don’t want to hurt them. This kind of internal commentary helps me. Hope some of this makes sense.

Doh!

The fact you recognise this is good
but don’t underestimate how serious this is for everyone

but after that the fact you can see that your brain 🧠 is pulling a wicked number on you here is good

in that unless you fake it till you make it … your DD is going to have some major mh issues

you need a really good psychotherapist
finding someone right will take a while but you really have to

the other thing with mental health is much is developing new habits

so I now have ‘do every day list ‘, yours could be

spend golden 1:1 time with each child
manage and neutralise reactions
keep a diary
read up on this issue
breathe to manage reactions

I also think the fake it till you make it is critical

starting now try to act the way you want to be even if it doesn’t feel natural

i wish you the best

Any child is like a barometer that reacts constantly to the atmosphere around it.
This poor 9 yr old will absolutely know she isn’t loved. Like her sister is.
It’s very painful for the “Least favourite “ child, and kids know from the expression on their parent’s face what their true feelings are.

Uh oh
ZOMBIE THREAD.
Why resurrect a 🧟‍♀️ Zombie?

This thread is nearly 3 years old. Wish MN would lock them down after a certain time period.