I cannot cope with my daughter

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My daughter is 9 years old and I have never felt any connection with her. She is constantly needy, clingy, complains about everything and I really can’t stand being around her. I struggle to touch her or show her any affection. She irritates me constantly. She has no concept of personal space and is constantly in my face wanting attention. I have 2 other children who I love very much and love spending time with but everything is ruined when she is there too. I can’t stand her. Now most of the time I manage to hide it, I muddle along and pretend everything is OK. But every so often I can’t deal with it any more and I crack. I’m sick of it. I’ve had counselling and it didn’t help. Don’t tell me this is a choice and if I wanted to change then I would because I can’t. There is something so deeply embedded in my brain that I can’t accsss and I don’t know what to do about it. If it makes any difference I was abused as a child by my own mother but I don’t see that it matters really. I’m not my mother but I just can’t get over this. Please help, where do I go for help now?

Some kids are arseholes...heck so are some adults. I don't think it makes you a bad person not to like an annoying little shit. But perhaps if you were doing something differently it would be easier for both of you and you might end up liking her better. What, I don't know. So I agree with that fake it till you make it statement. You don't want her to feel unloved, it won't help. That being said, i wpuldnt be slow to tell her off for things like being in my personal space either as she is 9, not 5 and should understand boundaries like that by now. Hopefully when she is older, you will like her more. But don't kick yourself in the meantime, as long as you are trying to be a good mum and not shut off to diciplining and showing affection, even when it is forced. I bet 20 years from now you will both be laughing together about what an annoying brat she was, over a cocktail in the sun.

"My mum was like this about me. I am not contact with her. My brother hates her for it to and is low contact. He cant stand how she treated me."

This is a really good point - you need to address this, not just for your DD but because it will almost inevitably damage your other children and your relationship with them. There are plenty of scapegoat child/ favourite child dynamics in my family and, in most cases, the parents have ended up on very poor terms with the favourite child as well as the un-favourite (either because the golden child ultimately took their sibling's part, or because they grew up spoiled and entitled and considered their parents to be disposable).

I hope this doesn't sound unkind - I'm saying this in the hope that it's a further incentive to seek help, not because I want to upset you! Good luck.

I can only say I feel for you.
I had PND too with my eldest and I struggle to bond with them. It took me years of faking it and trying to feel like I loved them. :(:(

It’s hard, very hard.

@Lightofday maybe she is none of the things you've stated, but OP's state of mind means she sees it that way.

She's 9 for crying out load! I very much doubt they'll be laughing about her being an annoying little brat in years to come. They'll be lucky to have any relationship.

I can't believe you have trivialised this sad post so much.

I feel sorry for your DD
It doesnt bode well

Yes you are on here and seeking help and recognise your behaviour isn’t good
But there is no warmth at all in your post

Not one bit

You don’t say you feel awful for her or acknowledge how her life must be

What an awful situation.
I’m sorry what you have been through in the past

I do hope things can improve else your DD may be posting her own story at some point

This is strong - and serious - stuff, OP. Saying things like you 'can't stand her' and your other daughter is 'great' indicates a very low level of self-reflection indeed.

I feel wretched for your dd. You HAVE to sort this, urgently. Quite frankly, your annoyance at her behaviour is a rather mild 'punishment' for the harm you are committing.

I admire your courage for recognising this is wrong and posting on here, but I don't think you need 'there, there' posts. You need to understand how serious this is.

You need therapy - not counselling, proper, heavy-duty therapy. And you need to fake it until you make it with your dd in the interim. Love bombing is an excellent suggestion.

poppongoff I wouldn't say I trivialised it at all. I said that provided she at least continues to TRY, chances are it'll all work out. Its a little thing called optimism.

Also, I'll say what I said on the other thread, which is that it does have a lot to do with your childhood abuse. You are projecting all of your experiences onto your daughter. It's transference and shes becoming your scapegoat, while the other daughter is your golden child.

You need to address this. Seek a lot more therapy & family therapy as an additional. Tell your child you are sorry for not always showing her but you do love her. Even if it isn't true. Tell her you find it hard to show it because your own mum hurt you so it's hard to figure out the right way and you are sorry, and that it's nothing to do with how she, your little girl, is.

No judgement here- but you do need to turn things around. As the adult it is your responsibility.

please get family attachment therapy, as suggested by others.

Odds are, your DD1 is just as 'great' as DD2, you just can't see it. Please recognise that this is a vicious circle and a sad situation, not DD1's fault at all.

It's been 9 years already!

Well you’re quite clearly trapped in a cycle. She will be able to sense your feelings which is why she’s desperate for your affection and attention. My heart breaks for her. You need to remember that she is just a child in need of love. She knows how you feel even if she can’t say it. Remember that.

She is old enough to board. I would consider sending her away. It’s better to be in a nurturing environment for her and it will make your life easier as well.

That being said, i wpuldnt be slow to tell her off for things like being in my personal space either as she is 9, not 5 and should understand boundaries like that by now

Emotionally she is probably 3months old - that is why she is behaving this way as OP was unable to attune and nurture her emotionally at that point due to PND. Her personal space boundaries are appropriate for her current emotional development. If the OP can look on her DD with compassion and see her as having this emotional deficit - she can nurture her and grow her to the safe emotional place where she is confident and content appropriate for her age. The OP will need support for this as the emotional intimacy is triggering her into her own state of anxiety and anger which exacerbates the problem - so it continues to spin round and round.

I haven’t posted about this before. I’ve tried faking it. I fake it every day but little by little it builds up until I can’t take it any more. It breaks my heart believe me but I can’t help how I feel. I’m not sending her to boarding school, I want a relationship with her. Sending her away is not going to help the situation. I will look into attachment therapy. Thanks everyone

What happens when you can't take it anymore, OP?

I shout and get angry. I have no patience for her and can’t stand her near me. I hate myself for it. I fake it all day everyday but it’s just bottling up the stress of it all then eventually I crack. This happens once every couple of weeks. Then I’m racked with guilt and hate myself but the cycle starts again and it’s out with my control

What ages are your other dc? Do they all share a dad? Are they so very different from your daughter? Or do you just see them that way?

I think it's very brave of you to post about this and that it actually demonstrates how much you do care about her.

I too have a very difficult relationship with one of my DC and much of what you've written resonates with me.

It's always been this way but I don't know why. She's 14 now and has mental health issues and debilitating anxiety, which I believe is completely down to my failings as a mother. The guilt is unbearable.

I think you're incredibly brave to talk so honestly.
You've done it on here. The next step is to get help to fix it. Both you and your daughter will be happier.
Could you source some family counselling, where you go on your own at first and then include your daughter? It may also be helpful for her to have some sessions on her own.

This is a really good point - you need to address this, not just for your DD but because it will almost inevitably damage your other children and your relationship with them.

The op is trying to address this. Why do you think she is here? Why do you think she has been in therapy? Why do you think she is saying she wants to fix this?

Op, I agree you are very brave posting this. I'm just throwing this out there, but is there something in your daughter that you can see in yourself as a child? Were you needy, anxious, desperate to please? Are you in anyway ashamed of how you were and your daughter is triggering you?

I think you need urgent therapy / counselling. 9 years is a long time and your daughter will have picked this up.
She deserves to be loved by you- she hasn't done anything wrong and your past issues have effected you. Get urgent help

Is she the same age now as you were when you were abused? Just wondering if it may be something to do with that?

Is her dad the same as your other two children? Just wondering if it could be feelings towards her dad that makes you a bit distant from her

I think you do care op, as your on here looking for help, you say you do want a relationship with her. Have you always felt like this? What age where you abused by your mother? Could she maybe remind you of yourself if similar in age at the horrible time? Could she remind you of ur mother? How does she get on with her sisters? X

I think you're very brave to acknowledge it and want to sort it. First, without delay, I would get therapy booked for DD1. Her behaviour and clinginess is likely an attachment disorder and she will be suffering. Your other child may benefit from therapy too as she will be picking up on these confusing behaviours and her future relationship with you will suffer.
Then yourself. I don't know which sort of therapy would work best for you but I would contact some psychologists with experience of PND or ask your GP and go from there. Do you have money to do this privately or will you need to wait for NHS referrals? Either way, you need to sort someone for your kids to talk to as well as yourself.