I cannot cope with my daughter

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My daughter is 9 years old and I have never felt any connection with her. She is constantly needy, clingy, complains about everything and I really can’t stand being around her. I struggle to touch her or show her any affection. She irritates me constantly. She has no concept of personal space and is constantly in my face wanting attention. I have 2 other children who I love very much and love spending time with but everything is ruined when she is there too. I can’t stand her. Now most of the time I manage to hide it, I muddle along and pretend everything is OK. But every so often I can’t deal with it any more and I crack. I’m sick of it. I’ve had counselling and it didn’t help. Don’t tell me this is a choice and if I wanted to change then I would because I can’t. There is something so deeply embedded in my brain that I can’t accsss and I don’t know what to do about it. If it makes any difference I was abused as a child by my own mother but I don’t see that it matters really. I’m not my mother but I just can’t get over this. Please help, where do I go for help now?

You need proper long term therapy. This is the cycle of abuse in action. You despise your daughter and it’s the effects of your own abuse manifesting. Now you are abusing her, emotionally.

She needs support and therapy too.

Is there a dad or another parent around? I hope there is a loving adult in her life.

Did you have postnatal depression after you gave birth to your DD?

If its embedded in your brain you need to go get help you understand why.

No doubt her behaviour is due to her picking up the vibes that you don't like her. Don't say she doesnt know. Because she does

Yes to both.

Is she the only female child in the family?

is she the eldest?

Do you have any other daughters? How do you feel about them?

I do hope she has a loving adult in her life. I agree with others, she will know and this will be partly why she is probably seeking your attention more. My heart breaks for her.

No there are 2 female children, the other one is great, I love her very much.

How does she get on with the other children? I hope your feelings don’t affect how her siblings interact with her.

She is the eldest. Does anyone have any therapy suggestions? I’m desperate to fix this but I just can’t

It seems you didn't bond with her as a baby due to PND. I think the problem then is the child needs to bond and becomes more and more clingy in an effort to do this.

I would speak to a doctor first and would ask for help with this. I know this isn't what you want to hear but I would love-bomb the girl - spend time just with her, sit close to her if you can, ask her questions, make her feel important and wanted. She's wanting your attention and you're interpreting her attempts as irritating, but if you make that effort you will grow to love her and she will become less clingy.

Im shocked that you are talking about your daughter this way. Children’s behaviour can drive up mad sometimes but we still love them. I think it clearly does matter that you were abused because you Are responding inappropriately to your own child. She is the child not you and she is at risk from you. Get better help and don’t stop until you have worked it out!

I think if you don't act fast she's likely to have unhappy relationships with friends and boyfriends, because she'll cling to them.

You have taken a great step in knowing and communicating how you feel and recognising that it is triggered by and connected to your past abuse.

You are the only one who can make changes to this dynamic - the child can’t instigate this. Proper psychotherapy will support you in doing this. You are both victims here - your are being paralysed by your past and this is being past on to your DD.

You can be shocked, Decormad, but the OP is being honest on an anonymous forum. She's not saying it within earshot of her daughter.

She might not be saying it to her, but her actions will be showing her. I do agree though, that it’s a big step to acknowledge it and say it out loud.

I definitely agree that therapy is needed and she’s probably being like that more because she is picking up on your feelings.

Did you ever speak to your GP about feeling this way when she was younger? If so you could try talking to them about it first now.

You say you love the other two children very much- do you feel you don’t love your DD?

As PP have said - her clingyness is related to her trying to make a bond - this is making her anxious as it is not reciprocated. She just needs soothing and stroking - emotionally and verbally and then when she feels safe she will find her own space. Fake it till you make it?

Can I just say it’s a really positive thing you want to fix this and I think you’ve already taken a massive step towards doing that by acknowledging it and posting

Yes I agree the op is being honest. First steps and all that but just feel so sad for that little 9 year old girl. However 75% of communication is non verbal so she will be saying this to her.

Did you post about this recently? I remember the thread.

the other one is great, I love her very much.

For a start you can keep pulling yourself up for thinking like this. That really sounds awful and she will know this is how you feel.

My mum was like this about me. I am not contact with her. My brother hates her for it to and is low contact. He cant stand how she treated me. So just be aware that could be your future too.

I would really recommend looking at DDP attachment therapy. Different circumstances as my children are adopted but the same issues, they have struggled to attach and their behaviour over the years made me pretty apathetic. DDP has saved our family. I can't recommend it enough. Thinking of you, it's not an easy situation

But obviously op feels sad for her DD too it seems she wants to do something about it!

Brave mum trying to resoove a difficult situation.