I cannot cope with my daughter

[Mirrorimage2345684]

My daughter is 9 years old and I have never felt any connection with her. She is constantly needy, clingy, complains about everything and I really can’t stand being around her. I struggle to touch her or show her any affection. She irritates me constantly. She has no concept of personal space and is constantly in my face wanting attention. I have 2 other children who I love very much and love spending time with but everything is ruined when she is there too. I can’t stand her. Now most of the time I manage to hide it, I muddle along and pretend everything is OK. But every so often I can’t deal with it any more and I crack. I’m sick of it. I’ve had counselling and it didn’t help. Don’t tell me this is a choice and if I wanted to change then I would because I can’t. There is something so deeply embedded in my brain that I can’t accsss and I don’t know what to do about it. If it makes any difference I was abused as a child by my own mother but I don’t see that it matters really. I’m not my mother but I just can’t get over this. Please help, where do I go for help now?

Sorry, but 'can't help how I feel' and 'outwith my control' are cop-outs. If you, an adult, can't help how you feel, how much less can she, a bewildered and suffering child (and yes, your behaviour does make her suffer) help the behaviour that annoys you so much?

I apologise for the tough love, but I'm worried some of the gentler posts might allow you to overlook the seriousness of the situation. (And I suppose I should add my DOI - I've been your daughter, to an extent - tbh what I went through doesn't sound half as bad as what's happening with you and your daughter, and it's still messed me up to the tune of eight years of therapy and counting)

Does she remind you of you when you were little? Can you see something in her that reminds you of the abuse you suffered from your mum?

Well done for acknowledging a difficult thing. I hope you find a way for both you and your daughter to thrive. Xx

You say your other daughter is great. Does she represent the way you wanted to be, the way little girls should be, confident and fun? I can't help but think this is more than just a dislike of your daughter. What is she triggering in you? Did you discuss this in your own therapy to date?

I know you're trying to sort this out, OP, but my heart is breaking for your poor little girl. I was that child once. With parents who didn't like me. It was just awful growing up knowing that they both disliked me. I'm NC with them both now, and wish I'd gone NC years ago.

Speak to your GP. Get counselling, for you and for her. And if you can't get over this and really don't want her, I'll have her. I'll love her and care for her and show her a happy, fun life.

As a personality who is your DD most like, you, your parent, one of your parents, a sibling or an in-law??

This could also be a piece in the jigsaw of why it's so difficult for you

You might find the 'therapeutic parenting' Facebook page helpful. It's very in tune with attachment- you'll find it hard, but it will help you.

9 is a really difficult age as there are so many hormones around, my oldest daughter was really difficult and I wondered if I had done something wrong with her but things settled her periods started and she's been lovely ever since. When my younger daughter started to get stroppy I knew it was just hormones, I'm currently waiting until things improve. She's still loved but things can be hard at this age

You are taking an important step in acknowledging your problem OP and this is really good. There is obviously a massive psychological problem affecting your ability to bond with your daughter and her reactions shows that she is desperately trying to build the missing bond. You need to get help to help her.

But part of that process must be that you stop couching your happier relationship with your younger daughter in terms like "she is great". The fact that this relationship is, for whatever reason, not suffering from your emotional problems, that your younger daughter hasn't had to grow up desperately trying to snatch at a bond that isn't there isn't something she has deserved

If you fed your younger daughter healthy food and your older daughter unhealthy food, then your younger daughter wouldn't be healthier because "she's great"; she'd be healthier because her needs were met. You need to find a way to give your older daughter the healthy upbringing she needs in order to be healthy.

How is her relationship with her Dad and how is your marriage? Can you work together on this so that when you know that things are escalating for you, you can call him to help and step in.

Of course you can't help how you feel, OP. The dc are people like any others and some people we like more, some we like less. At least you recognise that there's a problem and you want to do something about it. Are there grandmas or aunties who she could be close to, at least as a partial substitute for what she isn't getting from you? But yes, therapy for her maybe to try and teach her to be less clingy; and for you to help you deal with it.

Dear Op sorry you feel like this... Can I ask if all the children are from the same father?do you resent her for anything? Have you spoken to your partner?my mum was like this with me my big sister is perfect I'm not... Even though I treat my mum a lot better etc. She resents me for many stuff to the extent to her telling me when she was drunk that she wished she had aborted me... The problem is not how you feel but the enormous damage you are causing your daughter. Good luck

@Mirrorimage2345684 you had PND, this has affected your daughters attachment to you, she experienced "developmental trauma" this can be experienced by any child; adopted, fostered or birth child (especially where there has been PND or DV)

As @HammerToFall said, DDP could help (dyadic developmental psychotherapy) also Therapeutic Parenting will help you both. The National Association of Therapeutic parents has members in your exact situation https://www.naotp.com/ they have facebook groups and a helpline

Also look at Sarah Naish's books The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting: Strategies and Solutions (Therapeutic Parenting Books) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785923765/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_ghVCCbZJFWDHQ

and look for her on YouTube eg

And you need to fake it until you make it with your dd in the interim. Love bombing is an excellent suggestion.

This

Absolutely and unequivocally THIS ^

You are the adult

You haven't bonded with your child

She is desperate for your love and is clinging to you to try to drag the love she needs, out of you

You MUST give her love now, today , and constantly every day ....often

I don't care if you don't feel love for her

You must fake it daily , often ....and get help for you

Your daughter comes first

Is you dd struggling at school - I’m assuming they’ve never reported any peer problems with her not respecting boundaries or being obsessive with friends etc?

Do you have a set time every day where you spend with each child one on one? Don’t they say even 10 mins a day can help?

Have you looked at anything you can do to minimise your stress levels, it may not be that your dd is causing it, rather she’s become the focus for it - when I’m overwhelmed, sometimes I want to shout about being left alone and if the eldest is last to bed often that’s when you’ve got least left in the tank as it’s all used up on the others.

Maybe look at your overall routine, my dd is much calmer and easier to manage when she has clear expectations of when she sees me and what we are doing.

I feel so sorry for that little girl. In all likelihood she knows exactly how you feel about her. She has already been damaged. Her clinginess sounds like a manifestation of an insecure attachment. And I'm certain she is every bit as "great" as your other daughter.

I do think it is brave of you to admit this problem. But admitting a problem is a tiny first step. And you absolutely can and must change the way you think about her. Don't wait another day. Begin the process of seeking professional help immediately. Do some research, make some phone calls (tomorrow morning), but don't wait.

Does your DD have close attachments to her father and/or siblings?

I think you do care OP, because you wouldn't be seeking help if you didn't.

My heart is breaking for both of you. I'm sure things can improve at least somewhat with therapy.

And yes, you must keep faking it, no matter how much you hate her.

OP a close cousin of mine went through something very similar. She had PND, then a v difficult marriage and a son with behavioural and emotional challenges. The dynamics had a massive impact on the whole family and ground them all down to crisis point. She got therapy for herself and couples therapy for their marriage and everything has turned a corner. Son is now 14 and has really settled and matured. A good therapist will help you through this. It’s not your fault - it is the fault of the childhood abuse and the PND - but it is now your responsibility to get support to fix or manage it so that this distress is not passed on to your DD.

I’m sorry but boarding school?? How on earth would that help?!

Op you need specialist support, would you speak to your gp about this ?!

She’s clingy because you are abusive. I feel desperately sorry for your daughter-you will damage her irreparably. Are there relatives that could care for her?

Well you’re quite clearly trapped in a cycle. She will be able to sense your feelings which is why she’s desperate for your affection and attention.

This. She will certainly know that you favour her younger sister and she'll really be suffering. Her self-esteem will be in pieces as she grows up.

My DD1 is 9 like yours (she'll be 10 next month). She's always been hard work, with attachment issues (both my DDs are adopted) and she has been violent towards me. At times I find it hard to be around her. By contrast, DD2 (7 next month) doesn't have her issues and bonding with her has been easier.

But I don't hate DD1 because she's difficult and love DD2 because she's great. They're both my DDs. I love them both because I adopted them, not because of what they're like.

You need to come to a point where you love them both not because they're 'great' but because they're your DDs. Your DD2 might not seem so 'great' when she's a teenager, are you going to stop loving her then?

Going through the abuse cycle every 2 weeks is incredibly frequent. Your daughter must be a nervous wreck waiting for the axe to fall.

You're wrong in saying you feel nothing for her: you feel hatred for her, you can't bear her, the thought of her makes you angry and any attempt from her to be close to you repels you.

Consider that if your younger daughter had been born first, the great one, she'd have made you feel like this'll

If your eldest was to leave/escape, would you then the cycle onto the next child?

Your behaviour is dogmatic and incredibly damaging, to yourself as well as your daughter. In your mind, you hold it in as long as you can, but are so angered and irritated by her that you have to let it out. This reaction needs proper psychiatric help.

I think you have made a big step in coming on here. You know it can't continue. But do you have real insight into the fact that many people posting feel more care and potential love for your daughter than you do? I feel like taking her home with me and I know nothing more than you've told me.

OP, I haven't posted this to be cruel. I feel very sad for you. But so much sadder for your little girl, who waits Rach day to see what you will be like and does her best to please you, to do what she thinks will work, so you won't be angry today.

Where's her dad in all of this?