Is it possible for a man and a women to literally just be platonic friends?

[me88]

With no feelings or thoughts of something more. On both sides. Ever?

Your thoughts?

@Rhubarbtea oh I feel you! I ‘lost’ one of my oldest, closest friends. We honestly lived in one another’s pockets. He spent Christmas with us every year, our families have a been close, as kids we went away every year with our families.
On my wedding day he left before we’d even cut the cake. He didn’t even tell me when his partner was pregnant with their second child, I found out via Facebook. This is a man I spent every single weekend with for years. It hurts so much. I think because I was in a committed relationship for so long before he met his girlfriend, it hurt because I never ever treated him that way even though I was obviously in love with my DH, I still put my friendships up there as something very important. I feel your pain, it really does hurt when you realise you actually valued your friendship more than they did :(

I'm so sorry you've been through similar. He did make a comment once about his partner being his best friend, which I kind of shrugged off because - of course. That's like your kids being your fave people, and at the top of your list. But it doesn't mean you can't have other people you love and cherish, too.

He did the same to his last ex, slowly froze her out and then claimed it was her who started it, but it wasn't and he even admitted maybe it had been him who had begun the game of withdrawing step by step. I guess that's why I'm thinking I might occupy a similar place and that he can only be close to one woman at a time.

Regardless, it's been almost two months and in that time I've had some HUGE personal news - news which I didn't feel able to share with him even though I desperately wanted to because I so badly needed his support, because he's not read let alone replied to my last two messages.
It hurts hugely.

Also because of some volunteering I do I have male friends who are 10 or more years younger than me, and male friends who are a good 20 years older than me. Definitely lots and lots of men where there's definitely no sexual tension 😂

Absolutely! I have male friends and would be quite grossed out at the thought of anything sexual with them (and they me).

And to me I would talk to them in exactly the same way as my female friends - so yes we talk about our relationships quite openly. I would say emotional affair starts when someone becomes the only person you want to talk to

I’ve had similar rhubarb. I didn’t realise I was like a surrogate girlfriend until he got one and dropped me. Then when they broke up he wanted to resume the friendship like nothing had happened

Not in my experience, but I wish it were so.

That's shit, Yellow. So sorry it happened to you. We had been friends for some years before he started dating, once that happened (even though I'd been a combination of single/not single during our friendship and had remained consistent in my behaviour and availability) things altered because he pulled back. So we spent less time going to the cinema, music gigs, making dinner and watching telly but I was still content because I loved him, was delighted he was happy and we still hung out regularly. But after they had the convo about her moving to live with him, he started to go weird - not reading or replying to my messages for longer and longer, and being all 'sorry, work is soo busy' when I'd nudge him. This is after SEVEN YEARS of friendship. I mean, fucking hell.

I supposed everyone's entitled to cool or end a friendship, aren't they? You could argue he owes me a bit of fucking respect, but he doesn't owe me friendship - no-one does. I just never thought it would go this way, I thought we were firm friends for life. I have others but he was my best local friend by a mile and my favourite person to spend time with because of his sense of humour and how unique he was. There is no replacing him so I feel like I am grieving in a way.

Unfortunately Rhubard Tea I think there are too many women who have been 'blindsided' by partners friendships that turned out to be far too 'close' that many women are asking partners to 'get rid' of these friendships or making it clear they aren't comfortable with them. It's a shame. I know but my own experience on that front means I would now be really far more suspicious then I would ever have been years ago .

If someone wants to cheat on you they will, friendships with the opposite sex make it no more or less likely in my book

But isn't it more likely if there is someone already spending time with you, who you already like as a friend? This is what happened with my h. A female friend I had no problems with, happy with them going alone to a shared interest event. A year or so later, she's left her bf and h is shagging her weekly. Part of his explanation was that as a friend, he knew he liked her, she liked him, and therefore thought he'd be in with a chance. Which he was. And she was ultimately the easy, lazy option. He didn't have to work hard at all, she gave him a bj the second time he went round for dinner. Classy chick.

some women (depressingly, to me) see sex where there is none, based on replies to threads on here
Yet a lot of us are replying in that vein because it has happened to us before! I think it all depends on your experience. It would be very illuminating if everyone who answered this q gave the background ie
*I have no experience of any male friends hitting on me.
*I have no personal experience but know friends who have been hit on by their male friends.
*My partner has been inappropriate with a female friend.
Etc. A lot of the replies I have read do actually mention something like this. I'd love to know what the real stats are.

Yes.

No. Honestly I always think there is an underlying attraction on one side. I used to think that there wasn’t but I was young and niave!

However, that doesn’t mean that men and women can’t be friends, and that friendship can’t be the main connection. I have a few Male friends now, they are lovely, I don’t fancy them but honestly they probably would. But out of respect they’d never even bring it up.

My DP soon to be Ex has had several female friends and all of them were based on him having the hots for them. He would deny that vehemently. But it’s totallu true! All were at least 10 years younger and pretty too... sigh! It wasn’t great for our relationship. One was definitely an EA and he did end up getting very flirtatious. Made me feel terrible.

There may be exceptions, but I’ve known a lot of people now and am much wiser.

Oh and there was a great book, can’t remember the name, not just friends ? Anyway, based on quite a bit of research which made total sense to me, that people, well more men, didn’t cheat because of unhappiness in the relationship, but because of opportunity and bad boundaries. And that being a bit savvy in our relationships and open eyed, and protecting it by not allowing close intimate and exclusive relationships to develop with the opposite sex was a good idea.

After all, marriages are really worth making good and protecting. Us who have had them fail because of infidelity which has grown from ‘innocent female friendships’ I think would say that having kids torn apart and lives totally shattered is a very, very high price to pay for being too tolerant of opposite sex relationships, that feel wrong (and we all know that feeling, it doesn’t mean we can’t have healthy, mutual mixed gender friends).

Yes. I have 2 male friends. But I reckon if I hit on them they'd shag me. There have been times I could tell, years ago.

I don't think any less of them for it and am not naive enough to deem them saintly, nor feel I have to go to lengths to say how 'platonic' they are. I won't swear for a man re what he may do if opportunity arises.

I don't discuss my relationship or DP with them as it's not their business and I respect my relationship.

One has a girlfriend now and is a lot more distant but I don't mind. Life moves on and goes on. I'd expect him to put his energy into that more so than a platonic relationship.

I've been out with 1 man in past who had several female friends as he 'got on better with women '. I dumped him eventually as found it boring. Felt he needed female validation badly, and that wasn't so attractive for me. & I also didn't want them privy to our relationship issues good or bad, which I knew they were.

I have a mind men would see and discuss opposite sex friendships differently than women do.

There's a saying to do with men and women being friends...see what would happen if you phoned him up late at night said you needed company and a cuddle🙂

Every man I have been friends with over the years has made a pass even though I have not been attracted to them and thought they were genuine.

I have worked with one guy for twenty years who always says, we are great friends. What his wife doesn’t know is that he used to text me late at night then delete the messages until I put a stop to it and he made a pass on a night out on more than one occasion. It’s not my version of friendship.

Obviously some people can manage it but I never have. I don’t get it as I am not a flirty person and never give off signals that I would be interested. I think it’s just opportunistic - they try their luck anyway.

I have one oldest friend who is a man. We love and trust each other.

The trick for us is we keep things super simple and friendly with each other. We talk the same way you might talk to an uncle or other definitely non sexual relative. No sexual banter (less banter than with a female friend).

He married in the time we've been friends and I love and respect his wife, she's fantastic. I very much put her first when the 3 of us are together (sit on the other side of her to him, talk to her directly a lot, etc). They had some fertility issues which caused arguments he told me about and I was sympathetic to him but tried to stand up for how she might be feeling too.

Us who have had them fail because of infidelity which has grown from ‘innocent female friendships’ I think would say that having kids torn apart and lives totally shattered is a very, very high price to pay for being too tolerant of opposite sex relationships

That's your choice, clearly. I couldn't live with policing DH's contact with women, and I wouldn't expect to have my male friendships policed in turn, any more than I would expect to be required to work in a female-only workplace to combat a spousal fear fear that I had an affair with a colleague. A marriage that needs eagle-eyed protection against opposite-sex friendships in case they lead to some form of attraction/sex wouldn't be worth having, for me.

Sorry, incoherent. 'To combat a spousal fear that I might have an affair with a colleague.'

Felt he needed female validation badly, and that wasn't so attractive for me. & I also didn't want them privy to our relationship issues good or bad, which I knew they were.

lots of very honest truths in your post mistress! You hit it on the head. It’s not that platonic friendships can’t exit, but they are usually a very delicate balance where one person is getting some kind of romantic relationship validation. This isn’t usually needed when a full, sexual relationship comes along, like your friend becoming more distant.

My male friends are using me for this validation and me them at the moment, I could be very naive and say that there isn’t any attraction, but of course there is. They make me feel wanted, available. I would be more distant but not drop them completely if I got into a full relationship again. One of them has a girlfriend now so we now just naturally only meet up in a group, the coffee, theatre meet ups one to one have stopped, as they should.

It’s also a massive red flag I think for opposite sex friendships to be discussing their relationships. And to be exclusive.

@pishogue you are extracting healthy boundaries in my post, and making them extreme and farcical. Come on. We are grown ups here. It’s not eagle eyed protection, just good boundaries. It does not mean both partner police the other, or ban contact with the opposite sex! That would be silly!

It is that both partners respect the relationship as priority.

It’s not that platonic friendships can’t exit, but they are usually a very delicate balance where one person is getting some kind of romantic relationship validation. This isn’t usually needed when a full, sexual relationship comes along, like your friend becoming more distant.

My male friends are using me for this validation and me them at the moment, I could be very naive and say that there isn’t any attraction, but of course there is. They make me feel wanted, available. I would be more distant but not drop them completely if I got into a full relationship again. One of them has a girlfriend now so we now just naturally only meet up in a group, the coffee, theatre meet ups one to one have stopped, as they should.

Then your idea of male-female friendship is very different to mine. My male friends don't make me feel 'wanted' or 'available', any more than my close female friends do -- whereas you seem to see your friendships with men as some kind of placeholder that involves mutual sexual validation until one of you gets a boyfriend/girlfriend, and then it turns more distant because you're getting that validation from someone else.

I'm not being 'naive' when I say that my male friendships don't operate this way. We're all longterm happily married, so these friendships aren't some kind of practice run for a 'full sexual relationship' we've all already got one of those. But marriage isn't, and it shouldn't be IMO, exclusive in the sense that you are not close to other people both DH and I need more relationships in our lives than the one we have with one another, and they make our marriage happier.

Well that’s fine if it works for you @pishogue and you probably don’t cross a line in your friendships with other men. You must admit that it’s very easy for people to cross the line, and the nearer you are to it, the more risk you take. I have loads of healthy relationships but I’ve been very hurt by my DPs ‘friendships’ which I was prepared to give the benefit of the doubt about, but which slowly turned into betrayals.

It happens a lot. And the consequences are huge. So let’s not take this lightly.

I must be living in a parallel universe as I have several very close platonic males friends... my DH is fine with our friendships, as are their wives.. one of them has been through a very tough few years and his wife recently thanked me for being supportive as apparently when he was low he would be brighter upon going home after our meet ups. She knows we're just friends and she appreciated that he had a support network, no jealousy what so ever.
I was 'best man' for my other good Male friend at his wedding, again, his wife and my DH totally understand our platonic friendship, in fact shock horror we even sometimes go on weekend breaks together.. without our spouses! No issues whatsoever.
I genuinely don't know why people think there can't be platonic friendships. For the ones that have been burnt.. it doesn't mean that EVERY woman is going to have the same relationship, and in these cases the man involved was clearly also looking for something to happen... and they clearly were not true platonic relationships.

But the answer to the OPs question is Yes, of course men and women can have platonic relationships.

I have some lesbian friends... on the same grounds would it mean I can't have platonic relationships with them just in case they fancy me?? Ridiculous suggestion.

It is interesting though isnt it that the same question is never (or rarely) asked in respect of gay people and same sex friendships - it is always about heterosexual friendships