Lied to partner about Herpes now I’m stuck

[Heidi1357]

Hello I would really appreciate your advice because I have been feeling awful about this for a long time and I can’t get it off my mind!

About 6 years ago I met the partner I am with now.

About 12 years ago I was told I had herpes, the initial outbreak was quite bad and then I had a further out break a month later and since then absolutely nothing. When I had my first outbreak I went to my GP so I am sure it will be on my medical record.

Anyway when I first met my partner six years ago and we went on our first date we started sleeping with one another very quickly and soon went to rely on me just using the pill. In all honesty my old herpes diagnosis never crossed my mind!! When it did I panicked and I didn’t want to tell him because we had already had unprotected sex. I know that sounds awful but I felt horrible for not being upfront and as time went on the harder it was. He has never had an outbreak.

Anyway, now six years on we are getting married and are trying for a family. I didn’t realise until a while ago that an outbreak just before labour may be harmful to the baby. I know the chances of this are slim because I never have outbreaks but I am terrified that if I do get pregnant and he comes to an appointment with me that the doctor or midwife will bring this up in front of him. How will I explain it? I feel sick worrying about it constantly and I don’t know what I’m going to be asked and when if I do get pregnant and have antenatal appointments.

What should I do? What will I be asked at appointments? I feel so so horrible about all this sometimes when it comes to my TOM I’m relieved I’m not pregnant because I’m so scared of this coming up.

Please don’t judge me, I never knew there were any pregnancy implications and the longer I said nothing the harder it was. I have no one to speak to as no one else knows about me having herpes.

Fuck, I’m imagining if you did break up, bet you wouldn’t tell him you may have infected him would you? And he could have passed it to another woman who is in your position, but may have had her first outbreak when in labour.

Maybe just try being honest.

You need to be truthful.

Herpes won't harm your baby unless you get your first outbreak when pregnant. When I was pregnant I disclosed that I had herpes and they didn't mention it in front of my ex (he did know) for my privacy.

I would just be honest. It’s the only way forward here, I feel.

Google it but I'm pretty sure it's only caught from live viral transmission, it's currently residing at the basal root ganglion in a dormant state if I recall

But how would I even start the conversation?

You're just going to have to tell him. As long as you're not having sex when you have a flare up, then there isn't any risk, but it is something that will be brought up so you'd need to keep him away from all appointments. But you really need to tell him.

As a midwife I would never mention a diagnosis of a sensitive nature in front of a partner or family memeber. Usually only a first outbreak is a concern during pregnancy although an obstetrician may prescribe aciclovir in some circumstances.

You've been shagging for ten years. He almost certainly already has it. He may have had it before he met you! Why do you feel you need to tell him now?

See what flumpybear said, check on that, if that is true then you never need to tell him unless u get a flare up. If its not, go home and tell him you have just found out that herpes can be transmitted even when u don't have a flare up, and you've just found that out...and u have it so he needs to get tested.

"I read something the other day about herpes and that it can transmit to babies. This is awful and I'm so sorry but I had herpes years ago. It's something that I was really embarrassed about and was in denial over and I didn't say anything because I hadn't had an outbreak and so didn't think it would transmit to you...but obviously I need to get over my embarrassment and talk about this with you if we are planning to ttc".

Something along those lines.

You will be offered testing for a variety of std while pregnant. Tell him it showed up then?

Herpes can shed asymptomatically but seriously he either already has it or you don't shed viral cells

You’ve shagged him and now you are going to have a baby together so you must feel fairly comfortable with him. I really think you will feel so much happier when you do tell him. You don’t want this hanging over you.

I absolutely remember being asked about herpes when I was pregnant because my best friend has it and she asked me if I was asked, if you can follow that! She was similarly concerned.

80% of the population have herpes. It’s a cold sore, exactly the same as on the lips. It is not considered an STD it’s a skin condition so calm down a little. I’m fact your partner already has it as most people carry the virus with zero symptoms. op is right I believe in that unless you have an initial outbreak it can’t affect the baby.

But it’s obviously playing on your mind so just tell him. You didn’t lie, it isn’t something he’s ever needed to know.

The word herpes has such a ridiculous social stigma, no one bothers to tell a partner if they have ever had a lip outbreak of herpes and that can be passed easily through kissing or oral sex so what’s the difference? Social stigma is the difference. So just tell him calmly in that manner. You once got a coldsore down south, never have again but want to mention it to the midwife to check it won’t affect baby.

Wow.

I think you have to tell the truth and then ACCEPT the repercussions.

That would be the least stressful thing for you and the baby. Tell him and allow him to be shocked and angry and upset and betrayed and worried about his health, the health of his unborn baby!

Let him have his reaction and don't try to control it. Wait until he has processed it all and accept that he may break it off.

I suppose you could say that a blood test says you have the virus?

I'd explain it as you have in your OP. Prepare for him being upset, because you should have been honest sooner.
Nothing you can do about that now though, so just tell him and get it over with.
Chances of him being infected by you are very low if you've never had an outbreak since you've been together.
Good luck.

Did he at any point, in the beginning when you were both desperate to get the funk on, ask you directly about herpes,or any other STD, and base his decision to use protection on your response?

If the answer’s no, and that he was quite happy to jump in without checking first, then he only has himself to blame.

Sounds like you’re fretting and stressing about unlikely scenarios, and avoiding a simple conversation.

Oh and to OPS they don’t test for it in STD screenings, A because it isn’t classed as an STD anymore and B they can’t test unless there is an actual coldsore there and C what would be the point in panicking 80% of the population!

Interesting thread. Im currently 38 weeks and taking aciclovir 3 x a day because l had my first outbreak when l found out l was preg. Haven't had it since. What l am worried about is my mum is going to be my birthing partner and l hope the midwives will be confidential about it and not let my mum know... As that would be shameful.

Why Dreams? Would she shame you for having a coldsore on your lips? Does anyone judge someone when they see they have a coldsore or do they just check if they are a little run down?

ITS THE SAME VIRUS. Herpes can be found on arms, and eyes and other places, usually it hangs round on the lips or the genitals, but not always. Big deal!

Imagine the responses if a man had posted this.

You have a duty to tell him. If I was your partner I would be furious.

OP don't worry. I understand how this snowballed and now you feel like anyway you move your doing damage. But worrying about this won't help anyone. You need to speak to your DP. Explain that you had an outbreak once and that was years before you met him. You hadn't even thought about it until now and forgot all about it. Good luck!

You should speak to the herpes association charity - I'm sure they'll put your mind at rest and help you decide what your next steps are. They have useful information about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting with herpes too.

You must be honest, and not just because you're trying for a baby. This is your life partner. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he was keeping this from you?