Lied to partner about Herpes now I’m stuck

[Heidi1357]

Hello I would really appreciate your advice because I have been feeling awful about this for a long time and I can’t get it off my mind!

About 6 years ago I met the partner I am with now.

About 12 years ago I was told I had herpes, the initial outbreak was quite bad and then I had a further out break a month later and since then absolutely nothing. When I had my first outbreak I went to my GP so I am sure it will be on my medical record.

Anyway when I first met my partner six years ago and we went on our first date we started sleeping with one another very quickly and soon went to rely on me just using the pill. In all honesty my old herpes diagnosis never crossed my mind!! When it did I panicked and I didn’t want to tell him because we had already had unprotected sex. I know that sounds awful but I felt horrible for not being upfront and as time went on the harder it was. He has never had an outbreak.

Anyway, now six years on we are getting married and are trying for a family. I didn’t realise until a while ago that an outbreak just before labour may be harmful to the baby. I know the chances of this are slim because I never have outbreaks but I am terrified that if I do get pregnant and he comes to an appointment with me that the doctor or midwife will bring this up in front of him. How will I explain it? I feel sick worrying about it constantly and I don’t know what I’m going to be asked and when if I do get pregnant and have antenatal appointments.

What should I do? What will I be asked at appointments? I feel so so horrible about all this sometimes when it comes to my TOM I’m relieved I’m not pregnant because I’m so scared of this coming up.

Please don’t judge me, I never knew there were any pregnancy implications and the longer I said nothing the harder it was. I have no one to speak to as no one else knows about me having herpes.

Hi, going against the grain here but you don't have to tell him anything, its your body. I'm 27 weeks pregnant and have had all the general STD tests, nothing else mentioned or asked at all about herpes or anything else. Obviously if you had a flare up you'd have to call the midwife but seriously don't worry at all.

Thanks for the feedback so far I had only looked a the NHS website before but the Herpes association is much clearer and states there is no danger to my baby which has settled in my mind a lot. Thanks for recommending @sizeofalentil that really eased my mind.i don’t know why I never thought to check there as well as on the NHS. Anyway look I know people are saying to tell him but I just don’t know if I can. I really want some reassurance on whether or not my medical history will be brought up in front of him so I can think and make my own decision and not be backed into a corner about telling him.

@greendale17 my response would be the same? It’s not sexist.

Have you or any of your family or friends ever had a coldsore?

Presume each of them has informed every new partner before kissing or performing oral sex right?

No. Didn’t think so. So why would you be furious?

Qsandmore that's not right, 80 percent of the population has HPV, of which there are more than 100 strains. Two of those strains are herpes, one of them is genital and one of them usually around the mouth.

www.stdcheck.com/blog/herpes-vs-hpv-the-complete-breakdown/

I do think you need to tell him I'm afraid, you don't know what might happen in the future. I have a friend who got herpes from a guy who didn't tell her and it has affected her life quite significantly.

qsandmore how did it affect her?

Please remind your midwife in case of a flare up, your immune system lowers during pregnancy and flare ups may happen. You will get the opportunity to speak to your midwife alone during pregnancy (when they do the 'make sure there's no DV checks')

Leonasa did you even read your own link? It says HPV and HSV are two different things

It also says the genital and oral herpes are essentially the same virus.

The stats are American and believe me 80% of the UK population do have herpes, post a fairly horrific incident last year I have spent more time than I care to mention in GUM clinics and with STD specialists. I know I am right!

And your friend may be the very unlucky few that get severe outbreaks due to low immunity maybe? But the same could be said of the simple common cold for us being very severe for someone with low immunity.

HPV, HSV, Chicken pox/shingles etc are the same type of virus in that they hand around the nerve endings forever and flare up when immunity is low.

Yet you down get “eeewwwww OMG you MUST tell people you have had chicken pox/HPV/Oral HSV”.

No, just genital HSV because, well, privates the stigma is totally wrong.

You should tell him, you should have told him previously but you know and acknowledge this.

It won’t be easy and be prepared for him to freak out (I know I would!)

Oh love
It's entirely your choice whether you do or don't tell him but keeping such a secret must be very stressful, especially for a pregnant woman or a woman who wishes to become pregnant.
. But this man must love you an awful lot to have a family with you 😊 I'm sure he will be shocked and upset initially - I would suggest having some information to hand for him and give him a little space while he digests what he has been told.
You're the woman he loves and I'm sure he only wants the best for you. Remember, anyone who has had sex has the chance to catch herpes so please don't feel ashamed.
Best of luck OP

Qsandmore, you are right on that, it's the genital warts that is a type of HPV. But it clearly says that HSV 1 and 2 present in different places - one the mouth, and one the genitals. There is some crossover - read the link below - but they are not the same (that's why they have different names for the different strains)

You are absolutely wrong, however right you think you are, when you say that 80 percent of the population have genital herpes, and it's extremely irresponsible to suggest that, it's complete rubbish. Check this one out - 25 percent of the UK population have had HSV2 - the genital one - at some time or other. And some have fought it off, that is the amount that have antibodies indicating a past infection.

Not trying to say that OP should think it is the worst thing in the world, but a much lower percentage have a current HSV2 infection than you are making out, and for those that do, particularly if they are not in relationships, it can be really problematic. To suggest it's just like having a cold sore is rubbish - not sure why you are so invested but you are clearly no doctor so maybe stop it with the false stats that affect people's lives. I've seen what it's like to be infected with HSV2 by someone who didn't tell you.

www.netdoctor.co.uk/conditions/sexual-health/a2204/genital-herpes/

OP, I'm sorry if my exchange with Qsandmore is worrying you, I think accuracy is quite important though. I would just tell him in your shoes, it isn't the biggest deal and you've been together for a very long time and he clearly loves you, so it will be fine. But on the off chance you do at some point separate in the future, I really think you should tell him (it would be unfair on other people not to then, if you decide to keep quiet now). And if for any reason he found out, perhaps through his own outbreak, he would then be upset you hadn't disclosed.

Perhaps you should go and get some proper medical advice about it though and discuss with them what is best to do.

OP try not to worry. It's very common and you haven't had an outbreak in years. You are very unlikely to have another at this stage - you can't pass it on to him (or your baby) unless you have an active outbreak.

bluejelly not true. Once you got herpes regardless of wether you have an outbreak or not it can be passed on if you have unprotected sex. Thats what my doctor told me.

HSV1 and HSV2 can both flare up in the genital area.

HSV1 is the more common 'coldsore' strain. It can appear anywhere on the body most commonly on the face, but also transmitted to the genital area through oral sex. This does not make it genital herpes, it does not change in to HSV2. This is the one that 80% (however accurate) relates to.

HSV2 is the less common but more harmful 'genital' strain. This is the one that you are advised to inform partners about.

Not be backed into a corner about telling him. That is a very selfish attitude. You’re thinking of having a child with someone but have neither the communication skills nor the courage to be honest. I think it’s a betrayal.

He likely has it but just never has any flare ups. Majority of the population who are sexual active have it but many times it lays dormant. It's a cold sore - that's it. I'd just tell him.

I had two c-sections because of herpes. It wasn't my first outbreak but the hormones of pregnancy caused me to break out continually. It was decided at 38 weeks both times to section me as if I'm having an outbreak during labour, it sheds in the vagina and could effect baby's eyes & worst case scenario brain.

My husband knows and has known since 6 months in. I explained exactly what it was and because he's a mature understanding man, he took it well. We've had unprotected sex obviously and in our 8 years together he's shown no signs so far. We just don't if I'm having an out break.

This has become a lot bigger than it is in your head. Herpes is not that big of a deal, the not telling him will be.

I always thought herpes was caught by receiving oral sex from someone with a coldsore!! Or rubbing up, naked against someone with herpes (rubbing against the sores). So a condom wouldn't make any difference.

There are different types of Herpes. Herpes Simplex which is the cold sore virus, which I have, no symptoms. And Genital Herpes.
And my Herpes Simplex showed up when I had sti tests.
Some seem to think it’s the same virus. Your husband should be told. Wish you all the best.

So much drama over this. It’s very very common and if he’s had a few partners before you he likely already has the virus, just is asymtomatic. I have it but haven’t had an outbreak in 10 years and to be honest it wouldn’t occur to me to mention it unless I’d had one in the last year or so.

If you did get pregnant and had an outbreak then I’d mention it as the normal info that it is.

If you have an outbreak I’d mention it then of course as you need to let them know you can’t have sex during it.

I’m not sure I would have thought about it otherwise as it’s not an issue unless there’s an outbreak. You may never have one ever again.

Genital herpes is still Herpes Simplex - HSV2.

If you have HSV2 I would tell your partner. Neither are classed as STIs but this one is predominantly transferred by sexual intercourse and has more severe and painful outbreaks.

HSV1 is the less harmful 'coldsore' strain and unlikely to have more than one flare up. A lot of people catch HSV1 as babies through kissing believe it or not and grow up with no outbreaks. It's not necessary to tell a partner about this strain.

The vast majority of the time heroes is only dangerous to mothers who catch it for the first time DURING pregnancy.
As you already have the virus you will pass on protective antibodies to your baby.
The vast majority of women with genital herpes have no idea they have it. They do not test for it during pregnancy.
That said I can understand why midwives like to know herpes history, in the unlikely event you do have an outbreak at the time of labour (although doubtful given you’ve had no symptoms for so long) you may want to minimise the tiny but present risk of transmission.

I think you need to be honest with your partner, explain exactly how things rolled out and be armed with facts, a lot of negative reactions come from misinformation.

Unfortunately just because he has never had an outbreak does not indicate at all that you haven’t passed on the virus to him. Most people don’t get outbreaks.

@Getmyfrownupsidedown

No genital herpes can be HSV1 or HSV2
Some sexual health clinics report up to 30% of their genital herpes diagnosis as HSV1

Receiving oral sex from somebody who gets cold sores can give you genital herpes

HSV1 is not ‘less’ harmful at all. HSV1 is just better ‘suited’ to the oral area and will cause worse symptoms there than genitally. HSV2 generally causes worse symptoms genitally but would be much milder if caught orally.

I wouldn't say anything. He could've had it already for all you know. It's not such a big deal.

Very interesting debate. I got horrendous cold sores as a child and in my twenties. suddenly I had a breakout about 5 years ago 'downstairs' (when I was 45) I was referred to a lady specialist who took one look and said oh it's a cold sore, when I questioned she just said it can break out anywhere on your body (as an earlier post noted). So I innocently repeated this to my DH who to my surprise wasn't bothered . I discovered if I took the pill continuously I didn't have a break out. I came off the pill last year and after about about 6 months I started getting breakouts again each month. I'm thinking of going back on the pill become it's awful and I feel
Embarrassed and we don't have sex hardly ever. I don't know which strain I have I'm
Guessing the cold sore virus. But regardless it is mortifying because you read stuff that makes you feel like you've been a bit of a slag. For what it's worth I'd tell him and blame it on the cold sores.

HSV1 is not genital herpes.

You can have an HSV1 outbreak in the genital area. That does not make it genital herpes.

An HSV1 outbreak in the genital area can occur at anytime, even if you have never been sexually active. It is most commonly transferred to the genital area through oral sex. It still does not make it genital herpes.