Lied to partner about Herpes now I’m stuck

[Heidi1357]

Hello I would really appreciate your advice because I have been feeling awful about this for a long time and I can’t get it off my mind!

About 6 years ago I met the partner I am with now.

About 12 years ago I was told I had herpes, the initial outbreak was quite bad and then I had a further out break a month later and since then absolutely nothing. When I had my first outbreak I went to my GP so I am sure it will be on my medical record.

Anyway when I first met my partner six years ago and we went on our first date we started sleeping with one another very quickly and soon went to rely on me just using the pill. In all honesty my old herpes diagnosis never crossed my mind!! When it did I panicked and I didn’t want to tell him because we had already had unprotected sex. I know that sounds awful but I felt horrible for not being upfront and as time went on the harder it was. He has never had an outbreak.

Anyway, now six years on we are getting married and are trying for a family. I didn’t realise until a while ago that an outbreak just before labour may be harmful to the baby. I know the chances of this are slim because I never have outbreaks but I am terrified that if I do get pregnant and he comes to an appointment with me that the doctor or midwife will bring this up in front of him. How will I explain it? I feel sick worrying about it constantly and I don’t know what I’m going to be asked and when if I do get pregnant and have antenatal appointments.

What should I do? What will I be asked at appointments? I feel so so horrible about all this sometimes when it comes to my TOM I’m relieved I’m not pregnant because I’m so scared of this coming up.

Please don’t judge me, I never knew there were any pregnancy implications and the longer I said nothing the harder it was. I have no one to speak to as no one else knows about me having herpes.

This is a non issue. Herpes is extremely common. Just dont have sex while you have an outbreak. I would tell him, because it's a non issue and if hes upset about it he just needs some education on the topic.

It seems weird, people would go crazy if someone knowingly had head lice, conjunctivitis, food poisoning etc and knowingly exposed them to it potentially inconveniencing them for a couple of days, but are blasé about Herpes like its no big deal. Chlamydia is usually treated with Antibiotics but people still don't exactly welcome it, but a potential lifelong disease which can have implication with stuff like pregnancy and its just meant to be fine

I first got chlymydia when I had intercourse for the first time. I was 15. Since then, I have miraculously have not had any STI. However, I was misdiagnosed with HPV a couple of years ago, but they tested me soon after that and it turned out they made a mistake.

I personally, would sit him down and take valium or a glass of wine first, and then be perfectly honest with him.

You might get a better response then you think. I have disclosed my sexual history with every man and woman I've ever slept with.

It's the right thing to do and you know it.

If he loves you, he'll accept it and you guys will be fine.

If not, it wasn't meant to be anyway.

Best of luck to you. That's a toughie.
You can do it though. Just, 1,2,3 and go.

The best of luck to you. I know it sucks.

I really want some reassurance on whether or not my medical history will be brought up in front of him so I can think and make my own decision and not be backed into a corner about telling him.

You want to be reassured so you can continue to lie to him, at least be honest with yourself.

So many keyboard warriors on here judging but offering no advice to someone who is clearly very upset. Shame on you all.

Let’s look at the facts
1.People on here who have stated they have herpes have advised that they also have forgotten / wouldn’t think about mentioning it so you’re not the only one!

2.You have found out through midwives on here and from herpes association how low any risk is.

3.medical information does not need to be discussed in front of a partner.

Take care of yourself love and put your mind at ease. I would say from all the information on here and nhs and Herpes association just relax and keep an eye out for any outbreaks later on in pregnancy then deal with it then if you need to which it seems like you very much won’t have to. You aren’t putting any babies at risk here.

Frustrated, having headlice, conjunctivitis (not sure what food poisoning has to do with it) would be comparable to having an outbreak of herpes. In that case of course she should mention it and avoid sexual contact. OP has never had one while with her DH. So it’s not comparable.

I wouldn't mention it. And I say that as someone who caught Herpes from their husband.

To clarify, there are two types of Herpes Simplex (as others have said) HSV1 and HSV2. They are the same, the only difference is where they prefer to live in your body.

HSV1 prefers the nerves at the base of your brain, HSV2 prefers the nerves at the base of your spine.

HOWEVER, both can live in either place. However, if they are not in their preferred area you will have fewer, milder outbreaks (usually no more than one in your lifetime) than if they are in their preferred area. If they aren't living in their preferred area, the likelihood of transmitting it to another is also negligible.

HSV1, if living in its preferred place, causes cold sores around the mouth. Depending on the person these can be severe or mild. Someone with HSV1 of the mouth, can transmit it to someone who does not have HSV1, and it can go to the genitalia or the mouth. IF it goes to the mouth (where it wants to be) it can cause severe repeating outbreaks and the person can pass it on to other people. IF it goes to the genitals, the person will most likely get one or two moderate to mild outbreak around the genitals, usually within 2 to 3 months of exposure, and that's it. And if you have HSV1 in its preferred area, you can transmit it without having a cold sore! It's called shedding and its especially common when your immune system is low (i.e. you're sick). If you have HSV1 in at the base of your spine you are unlikely to pass it to someone else, even to their mouth.

I got HSV1 at the base of my spine and had one moderate outbreak, after my husband, who gets cold sores around his mouth occasionally, and I did the deed while we were both recovering from swine flu (this was after 5 years of marriage).

HSV2 is the exact same. If you have it in its preferred area you will have more/severe outbreaks and can pass it on to another persons mouth or genitals, and can pass without symptoms. If it's not in its' preferred area, you are unlikely to pass it on and will have fewer/milder outbreaks.

Doctors estimate AT LEAST 80% of the population has HSV1 or HSV2. Normally, when tests are done doctors just test to see if there are any antibodies in your blood. If antibodies are present, you've had Herpes for at least 6 months and have had at least 1 outbreak (even if it was so mild you didn't notice it). If there are no antibodies, it's a new contraction. They will rarely bother trying to find out if its 1 or 2 as that's an expensive and needless test.

You will always have some kind of an outbreak within 3 months of contraction, regardless whether it is HSV1 or HSV2 or where you've contracted it.

Doctors do not consider it an STI, at least not in the same way as others, as it's really the same virus as shingles. I know this, because I live in the Middle East, and I was petrified that the doctor would report myself or my husband for adultery (which neither of us committed), which is punishable by law. She laughed and said it's not even considered an STI in the country and she would be laughed at if she reported it as such.

OP, chances are he already has it or you have HSV1 and therefore can't pass it on anyway. Either way, it's not worth worrying about because it is quite literally a cold sore.

He can't access your medical records, don't tell him. If it comes up in a test closer to the time, act like that's the first you knew of it. He will also have it, then you won't know who gave it to who.

Don’t agree with Ericks approach. That’s pretty crappy and dishonest.

Genital herpes just means the herpes virus in the genital area, this can mean either HSV1 or 2.
Most cases of genital herpes (70% or more) are caused by the HSV2 virus. HSV2 is also better adapted to the genital area so more likely to cause symptoms than HSV1 in that area. However, genital HSV1 is still genital herpes. It is still diagnosed as genital herpes.

You also can’t get outbreaks in the genital area without sexual contact. Genital herpes caused by HSV1 would likely be from oral sex from somebody with a cold sore. It wouldn’t be possible to have an outbreak without sexual contact.

Oral herpes is obviously passed on without sexual contact, but not genital herpes HSV1 or HSV2.

My question is this, what will do you when you have an outbreak?
Chances are you will at some stage over the next 40 years. Very few poeple only have 1 or 2 in their life, a lot have 1 or 2 or more a year.
When you do have one, his 1st reaction will be that you have been unfaithful

I don’t agree with most on this thread and actually find the responses pretty horrible, they are also totally at odds with what you’d get if you were a man.

If you read all the affair threads on here, a lot of the anger comes from women upset their partners have risked their sexual health. When people have the option of informing on others, you hear a lot of people talk about the innocent party having a right to know. Informed consent that the affair partner is putting their sexual health at risk.

Genital herpes is an STI, no matter how people downplay it and he should have been told and been given the option to protect himself before sleeping with you. That boat has sailed now, but I think to continue to lie and device is pretty low.

Especially if or when he gets his first outbreak they can be pretty bad, he may be ok if you’re honest now. I think you’ll make it ten times worse if you continue to lie and deceive. If my husband had an sti, lied about it and still continued to lie after realising I was at risk and it was still very much a thing, I’d kick him out.

I honestly would tell him, as if you get pregnant I imagine the hormone changes could cause a flare up

Actually most people never have an outbreak in their life. Those who get an outbreak every year are the unlucky few. The OP can’t confidently know she hasn’t passed it on already to her partner just on the basis of ‘he’s never had an outbreak’ unfortunately.

So much misinformation here in nearly every post! Please look up some proper medical information.

Tell the truth, as you'd want honesty if it was you. Allow him to get checked out medically in the interest of his health.

Did the midwife mention this? Was it in your GP records?

@Hollyward321 zombie thread.

Wth is wrong with people. You didn’t know or forgot fine but now that you remember the right thing to do is tell him. He has the right to know and get tested. You love him right then do the right thing. A relationship with deception won’t last anyway.

I was diagnosed 18 years ago, about two years into my relationship with my now-DH although I'd had symptoms for a few years, I just didn't know what they were. I had to tell him straight away, I was visibly upset so just had to come out with it but I was terrified he'd leave me on top of already feeling dirty and ashamed. In the event he just hugged me and said I was daft for thinking he'd care.

I suffered quite frequent outbreaks for about 10 years after first infection (which I understand is fairly unusual) and it is something we've had to manage as a couple, I had an outbreak on our wedding night for instance so I would have made life quite difficult for myself if I'd tried to keep it from him. I'm not a believer in secrets or lies in relationships anyway and it seems a shaky foundation to start a family on to me.

I would have to tell him in your position, I would hope that HCP's would handle the information sensitively but there's always the chance someone could slip up and I couldn't stand the anxiety that he might find out. I do understand how you feel, I wish there wasn't stigma attached but I know there is so I'm not saying there is no risk in telling him the truth. But if he finds out and you've lied to him about it that seems like a much higher risk to me, and that's aside from the damage it's likely to do to you mentally trying to keep it from him.

Sorry OP, I know that's probably not what you wanted to hear but I do think it's the right thing to do, for him and you

I think you have to tell him I mean what would you do if he had an outbreak ? Lie to him ? How would you feel it it was the other way around? I've seem so many threads about people not avoiding others for 48 hours after a sickness bug, or chickenpox or nits or threadworms and people are furious they have been exposed to it and very angry with the person I dont think you have anything to be ashamed of but like any other condition that can be passed on I think you have a responsibility to tell the other people involved.

If you are willing to risk his sexual health so you don't feel bad than you don't love him and shouldn't be considering having kids.
I cant believe are there are ppl who are so relaxed about being potential stuck with a life long disease (although I assume this may be more a gender issue). What happens if you split up, will you just let him wander off infecting whoever he meets next.
Sorry you just need to bite the bullet and let him know. To be fair its not going to look good, but better he knows you lied to him , then he thinks you cheated which I assume if (when) he does find out he has it will be his first thought.

@oofadoofa
If the answer’s no, and that he was quite happy to jump in without checking first, then he only has himself to blame.

This has to be one of the stupidest comments I have read today. If it was a ONS this maybe correct and no condoms were used than maybe, but that is not the scenario.
Think of the possible ramifications:
Didn't ask if I had HIV - oh its your fault.
Didn't ask if I had a wife and kids - ohh its your fault
Didn't ask if I had was on the run from the police - ohh its your fault

Zombie thread

OP - take a deep breath and just tell him. First of all, you didn't lie to your partner; you didn't mention a 6 year old diagnosis that you didn't think was still relevant when you met him. You only recently found out that an outbreak could present a risk to the baby.

Ignore the more judgemental posts: if they are honest, how many people truly have told their current partner their entire sexual history? If anything, you are guilty of a misunderstanding or perhaps not being curious enough or informed enough about your diagnosis, but this was not an act of malice.

Furthermore, I'd advise speaking to your midwife/GP first, or Google the facts and figures about the number of people who carry the herpes simplex viruses 1 & 2 on NHS Choices of the WHO. The CDC estimates that it's possible that up to 49% of adults under 50 carry one form or other, many without knowing as they are asymptomatic. Things like this may reassure your husband.

Many people are not that phased by a herpes diagnosis (you don't get the same judgement for coldsores), it is highly likely that he already has it and without symptoms, and you didn't withhold the information deliberately. I'd imagine he married you and is having a child with you for many more reasons than your sexual health. Good luck. xxx