Lied to partner about Herpes now I’m stuck

[Heidi1357]

Hello I would really appreciate your advice because I have been feeling awful about this for a long time and I can’t get it off my mind!

About 6 years ago I met the partner I am with now.

About 12 years ago I was told I had herpes, the initial outbreak was quite bad and then I had a further out break a month later and since then absolutely nothing. When I had my first outbreak I went to my GP so I am sure it will be on my medical record.

Anyway when I first met my partner six years ago and we went on our first date we started sleeping with one another very quickly and soon went to rely on me just using the pill. In all honesty my old herpes diagnosis never crossed my mind!! When it did I panicked and I didn’t want to tell him because we had already had unprotected sex. I know that sounds awful but I felt horrible for not being upfront and as time went on the harder it was. He has never had an outbreak.

Anyway, now six years on we are getting married and are trying for a family. I didn’t realise until a while ago that an outbreak just before labour may be harmful to the baby. I know the chances of this are slim because I never have outbreaks but I am terrified that if I do get pregnant and he comes to an appointment with me that the doctor or midwife will bring this up in front of him. How will I explain it? I feel sick worrying about it constantly and I don’t know what I’m going to be asked and when if I do get pregnant and have antenatal appointments.

What should I do? What will I be asked at appointments? I feel so so horrible about all this sometimes when it comes to my TOM I’m relieved I’m not pregnant because I’m so scared of this coming up.

Please don’t judge me, I never knew there were any pregnancy implications and the longer I said nothing the harder it was. I have no one to speak to as no one else knows about me having herpes.

A friend of mine must have caught the virus from an ex as her partner was a virgin. Anyway she had no idea as her first outbreak was triggered by a pregnancy and she was symptomless before this. It happens. Only you can decide if/when to have the conversation but there are lots of ways of doing this.

Has he slept with anyone else in the last 6 years? (Maybe you were on a break?)

I think it's unfair that you haven't told him. He has a right to know as it's his health. I would make a conscious effort to tell him soon.

No judgement, as a herpes sufferer myself I must reassure you that it is only dangerous if you have an outbreak during your time of labour. Throughout pregnancy it is common because of hormone imbalances. I disclosed the information with my midwife, at the initial booking in appointment as it does need to go on file.

At 32weeks pregnant the doctor can offer you a 8-10wk course of Acyclivor, as a preventative measure. I took this as it is safe with pregnancy and also the stress of having an outbreak during labour was taking over and as I assume you know, stress is a huge factor.

My midwife mentioned that at no point it would be mentioned in front of my partner during the labour, when in labour the midwife simply asked ‘have you been taking acyclovir’ to which I just nodded.

Please don’t let it put you off starting a family with your man, as mentioned above it is so so so much more common than you might think.

Good luck!

Sorry forgot to add, they will only ask you the key important questions and previous health issues at your booking in appt. Which is the first appt you have with your midwife between 8-12wks of pregnancy. It is not necessary to bring the partner to that appointment anyway, it’s is sometimes 2hrs long and most questions are directed at you.

It is not mentioned again after that, unless, like I said above you are offered / ask for the preventative measures.

Ok so my 2p worth as someone that has it (a very nasty version too) and was given it by someone they knew had it. As you can see by this thread a lot of people have strong emotional reactions and consider it appalling you haven't told him. I'm not one - and I don't think you can afford to risk that he is. What if he goes all 'you've betrayed me our life is a lie' on you like some of these people would?
I don't tell anyone ever because UNLESS I HAVE AN OUTBREAK I WILL NOT PASS IT ON. How do I know that? 20+ years of shagging, that's how. I do not mean anyone and everyone but certainly not just one person. I don't care what the nhs says I've read the asymptomatic blurb too - but it's simply not true. Everyone who has it got it from
Someone who actually had it, I was lied to by someone WITH an outbreak AND we used a condom. I think if you're going to get it during pregnancy you'll know long before the baby is born - and in that case you simply say that you had it once and thought it had gone away. You'll be upset, and if he starts with the 'i feel betrayed' then you'll have bigger problems.
It's a nasty condition - I have to take acyclovir for mine over 25 years after getting it. It has caused me deep shame on a level I can't even begin to describe. But anyone who wants to tell me I should tell my partners can just fuck off. I tried it and people are just not trustworthy so you lose a partner AND they tell the world.
Manage it, don't give it to anyone, and share with close gfs. I'd been put through the mill after telling someone and was distraught. Eventually I confided in my gf group over a few vodka cranberries and 2 of the 3 also had it!!! Not cold sores, herpes. And these were nice girls!!!
And several midwives have said on here that they would never tell - but they might be able to put you on acyclovir before the birth?
If he is not at risk of getting it - and he isn't - then keep quiet because every person that knows is a person that gossips as I have found out the very hard way.

@Vodkacranberryplease why would encourage someone to not tell partners? Utterly selfish. I would be livid if I hadn't been told by my partner. It's a major breach of trust and is putting someone else's sexual health at risk without their knowledge, which is cruel and shows no regard for the welfare of that person.

Agree with RLEOM I'd be absolutely horrified if my partner neglected to tell me he had an std, and didn't give me the chance to decide on whether I wanted to take that risk with my own sexual health
lt has nothing to do with the stigma and everything to do with respect.

I'm not judging you op, but as hard as it will be you should (morally) tell him the truth now, he probably is infected by now so maybe go armed with all the information you can. Surely this will eat away at you over time if you don't?

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