How tempestuous does your marriage get?

[User1053051066]

Just wondering. Want to know what goes on behind closed doors. How much do you put up with? What's acceptable?
I think sometimes I do look through rose tinted glasses but sometimes I think one shouldn't put up with anything other than "nice". Surely everyone argues? Screams? Throws things? Pushes?
Don't want my kids to think it's normal though.

Argue yes, screaming, insulting, pushing, no. I threw something once but not at anybody.

I dumped a boyfriend in short order for shouting too aggressively for my liking - get in the sea with that bullshit.

We bicker. My husband doesn't do arguments. When I'm tired and stressed and hungry () I can get exasperated with him and I'll try to pick a fight but he has only risen to it 4 times in our 10 year relationship. He's very placid. They're over pretty quickly and we have always made up by the next morning. We have never pushed, been mean/called each other names or picked on each other's insecurities though. He's a pretty good egg really (I'm a bit of a moody cow sometimes though )

Dh and I bicker occasionally but that's as far as it goes. There's no violence, no name calling, no threats, no long sulks, no swearing... in fact our fallings out are the opposite to what I see/hear in my siblings' relationships and what my mum&dad's relationship was outike before they split up.

It's very rare that we bicker, ever, but there have been times when our dc were nearby are they felt uncomfortable and asked us to stop. Later on we told them a little about why we were upset with each other but that it'd been sorted and we were fine. I do think that it's important for children to occasionally see mild, non-violent or threatening conflict between parents if they also see the resolution.

We disagree at times. Our voices get a bit steelier. Our faces get a bit sterner. We might impart the odd uncomfortable truth.

Shouting, screaming, pushing ? Never.

I don’t ‘lose my shit’ and abuse people, neither my family or at work. I am perfectly assertive though and say what I feel, just not rudely and meanly. And I don’t think i’m in any way ‘perfect’, but there’s a country mile between being perfect and throwing things at your family (never in a million years) or screaming at colleagues, particular when the latter are junior to you - utterly out of order. Of course I accept that sometimes people are pushed to great extremes and lose it. But I also think that often it’s the same old people who shout and rant in practice, largely because they think have the right to. I have one good friend who falls into the angry outbursts camp, professionally and personally, with friends and family, and I can see in her that there is a difficult mix of things that really push her (that I sympathise with hugely) but I also feel there is this entitlement, this belief that she’s been provoked. Her outbursts have cost her a great deal in all areas of her life. It isn’t worth it for her, and it has hurt other people a lot.

Absolutely we argue and voices are raised with swearing occasionally but no screaming abuse, throwing things or pushing. I'd view that as abusive. In twenty five years neither of us have ever done that.

You can lose your temper without doing any of those things. In my early twenties the arguments I had with partners were very different but I’ve learnt from them and I know that shouting doesn’t get anyone very far

We bicker, we disagree and might stomp into different room - but almost immediately whoever is in the wrong will apologise, or if it's a genuine difference of opinion we'll talk it through.

Never have we screamed, pushed or thrown anything - that is not normal, and as adults we are capable of controlling ourselves and our tempers

Occasionally row but never shout or call names.

In what instance would ye shout?

Calling names is awful.

We used to occasionally shove each other in heated rows a couple of years back, because I am an alcoholic who stopped drinking nearly two years ago. We still bicker but not much and never aggressively; all our big rows were alcohol fuelled.

So do you guys never lose your temper? At all, in life? Yes I do. I am quite an angry driver (though not to the point of cutting people up or brake-checking them or silly stuff like that) and I shout in the car.

I get cross with my children if, for example, I tell them to do/not do something and they repeatedly ignore it.

I raise my voice at work (not shouting - more like a stern tone that demonstrates I'm annoyed at certain behaviour and, if not changed immediately because warnings have been given and ignored, consequences will be given).

I don't throw or break things though or push anyone or try to use my lack ofstrength or pitiful physical size to intimidate whoever I'm angry with. I don't think that's normal or right.

You really shouldn't be in a relationship so toxic you need to shout or throw things. Would you do that at work? No- then it's not acceptable to do to your partner.

We don’t really bicker. We both grew up with very shouty, abusive parents and both of us hate conflict. We generally just discuss things-he stutters when upset, so I have to be very calm and patient with him. (Sometimes I need the patience of a saint!) Def no screaming, pushing or throwing things.

Does it matter what everyone else does? What do you think op - does it bother you that arguments involve screaming and aggressive displays in front of your kids?

If it helps, it should bother you and you should want to do better for your kids.

We've been together for over 25 years. We've had disagreements in that time and been pissed off with each other, but never screamed at each other, or physically fought. It's not normal, it's not healthy. Neither he nor I would stay with someone who thought it was normal.

So do you guys never lose your temper? At all, in life?

Yes a lose my temper but it never results in me or DH screaming at each other and pushing/ throwing things.

We might have sharp words then we take a minute to calm down then discuss the issue as adults. We never insult each other either.

OP if your relationship looks like that (screaming, pushing etc.) please don't stay in it. It isn't normal or okay.

We disagree, we hiss through gritted teeth sometimes or snap at each other or have frank discussions but never any:

Screaming
Shouting
Swearing
Name calling
Throwing/kicking/punching things
Physical violence of any kind

I grew up with all of the above and I would never ever in a million years do it to my children. The first sign and I’d be out, DH knows it’s a line not to cross and respects that. He doesn’t have anger or emotional issues and isn’t an arsehole so it’s not exactly hard for him or me to control ourselves. The way people behave towards you is a choice they are making, don’t ever forget that.

We bicker sometimes when stressed or tired, but very rarely argue and never shout, push or throw things. I grew up with parents that did that and have been in previously abusive relationships, so am glad to be in a relationship where it never happens

We argue (not very often, usually just cross words)
Sometimes we shout, this is more rare
Never pushing or throwing things.

If I'm losing my temper I'll tend to do it via txt message

Surely everyone argues? Screams Throws things? Pushes?

No, that is far from a normal, healthy relationship I feel sorry for the kids who are stuck listening to that.

I will preface my post with the certainty that I don't have a perfect husband or the perfect marriage - but I can honestly say in 22 years with my husband he has never shouted at me! Its just not in his nature. We've argued yes, possibly raised voices a bit (more me than him) but he's never shouted at me. We have never once called each other a name either. I might tell him he's driving me crazy or I think he's mad etc but that's the height of it. He's also never thrown anything or pushed anyone, ever. If this was a regular occurance, I wouldn't have even married him (together 7 years before we married)

@User1053051066 I actually cannot for the life of me think of a time I lost my temper with my DH?! My kids yes.... for instance my DD spilled a whole carton of milk all over the kitchen floor the other morning after I repeatedly asked her not to pick it up... and this is how it went “oh for gods sake DD!! Why do you not listen?? Get out NOW!! I raised my voice yes, but I didn’t push or throw anything 😬 do you mind me asking what you have lost your temper at lately?? Is it just that you are highly strung or does DH act like a 5yr old??

I’ve been on both sides and let me tell you now, screaming, pushing, throwing things is NOT normal.

I’ve been in that relationship and it was basically abusive.

I left and met my now DH and only started living a life where I didn’t feel under a perpetual cloud of stress at the age of 34.

We argue rarely, never shout, never throw things and definitely no pushing. We both do a bit of sulking occasionally.

My DM went in for loads of shouting, and throwing things but even she drew the line at pushing. My DF generally stood by and watched her go. And my DM had grown up in a highly dysfunctional household where her parents relationship was full on abusive so she had little idea of how else to behave.

Still affects me and my idea of how to have a relationship now.

So it takes generations for healthy relationships to emerge once abusive relationships have been modelled to children.