Long relationship devoid of sex - help!

[MrBeeBee]

Hello,

Firstly, sorry for the long post - I'm usually great at understanding what I'm supposed to do relationship wise but I'm at a bit of a loss.

Background: I'm 38, my Wife of 10 years is 56 so yes, there's an age difference. We've been together for 21 years believe it or not.

We had an amazing sex life to begin with. Many said that this would vanish aftr the first few years but for the first 10 years I'd say it stayed.

It has slowed considerably, and in the last 3 years dropped off a cliff. I understand my Wife is getting older so I'm sensitive to the fact that this might be her libido lowering or altering; I understand.

We've been through quite a lot actually. My wife had a hysterectomy around 11 years back (she already has 2 kids from previous marriage). That didn't effect our relationship; I never wanted kids and she didn't want anymore. The Op was more for her heavy period (VERY heavy) and it actually provided her a new lease of life which was great.

More recently she's had a replacement knee due to arthritis (4 years ago). Again, she's pain free and it was a great move.

I'm just highlighting that she has had some tough times so I'm aware of this.

However, here's where I find myself now. My Wife never initiates any sort of sexual contact at all. When I do, there's either a reason to avoid it (tired, have to get up early, I have other things to do..etc) or she lies there and I have to make all the moves. I'm sure you understand, but to that end, I feel unwanted, utterly unwanted.

I've approached her about this before over the years, and occasionally there is a brief spark (nothing triggers it out of the ordinary - I've paid careful attention to this) and we have great sex.....then it's back to 'normal'.

I've read much about how to set the right mood, the mental and emotional aspect of sex for a Woman (I won't lie - it's the same with me to be fair), and I believe I tick all the boxes. I do everything; I cook, I clean, I organise the house chores, I shop, I drive wherever we go when we're together,. She runs a small business as well as working part time and I help out with that whilst trying to have my own interests. I feel I do everything a man, no, a partner, should.

When we've discussed this before she does say she's sorry but she just doesn't feel like she used to; sexy (she has put on weight - her words) or up for it anymore.

Additionally, since I lost a lot of weight last year (7 stone to be precise) she has openly admitted she doesn't find me as attractive as she used to.

I understand all of this and when we have these conversations, and it's two way (rarely) we are very understanding of each other and try to understand all avenues, but I'm struggling. Sex is a big part, and yes I know the age difference might be a factor, but as I knew her age, she knows mine.

The last straw was last night. It was late, gone midnight, and I was restless and she was still thumbing through websites and facebook on her iPad. I leaned over to initiate some kissing, and at first she turned over (slowly), but then as I stroked her back, and hugged and kissed her, she began to get heavy eyed. The pillows she usually has to sleep ended up between us, and I ended up telling her (nicely) to get some sleep as she was tired....she wasn't 20 seconds ago.

I know, wholeheartedly my Wife loves and cares for me. I know because I've seen it. However, I'm 38, I still would like to have a sex life with my Wife, and it's becomming increasingly hard. Normal sex for us (after a settling in period) was around once a week. That was lustful, passionate, wanton sex.

Now, hence my post, once every 2 months, with me almost begging, and an unenthusiastic "come on, get on with it" (sometimes that's even said!) response, is what I can expect. At this point, when it DOES happen, it's purely functional, and I feel nothing other than release - I don't feel wanted.

Any recommendations welcome; please don't suggest that she doesn't deserve me, or that she's bang out of order. I'm trying to see her side of things and help and advice to that end might actually help me :)

Leave.

Sorry, been in your shoes but it will not get better. She isn't interested in having sex with you, no longer finds you sexually attractive (well done on the weight loss by the way). It's done - you've tried to discuss it with her, she's basically told you she no longer wants to have a sexual relationship with you and has only had occasional sex as a "chore" to shut you up or stop you leaving.

Leave. You're too young for this.

Thanks for your response.

I actually love my Wife and she loves me though. I'm not going to leave her because physically she doesn't want to have sex. We do spend time together, go on trips and holidays and love being together too, but it's just the intimacy aspect that's fallen off a cliff.

The long and short I think is if she said "I'm never having sex again - sorry" I'd still stay because I love her! Does that make me an absolute mad man?

Women get bored quicker than men. Her libido would probably restart with a new man. You could together explore ways to reignite that spark (try reading mating in captivity, or any talks by the author, esther perel), or open up the marriage, or leave. I'd recommend an open talk rather than just going off and having an affair, which.this post might be part of a subconscious move towards giving yourself permission for.

Plenty of men stay in that situation. Some have affairs, some don't. Same with women. Talk to her, see what she says.

The long and short I think is if she said "I'm never having sex again - sorry" I'd still stay because I love her! Does that make me an absolute mad man?

Nope. I chose not to and it's your call. But I'd wonder why you bothered posting about it in the first place. It's clearly not an issue because you're prepared to stay with no sex life for the next 10, 20, 30 years.

Can’t offer much advice but for what it’s worth I think you sound kind. So maybe just tell her exactly what you’ve just told everyone, both take it from there.
No-one deserves infidelity though.

I suspect he wants to stay but feel its ok to have sex outside the marriage. Call me cynical . Stay and stay faithful are two different things

Thanks for your responses.

It's not that it's "not an issue", it is. It's just that it isn't the be all and end all. Having been on medication years ago and undergoing counselling to improve my own self-confidence, the last 10 years or so have seen me embrace positivity rather than negativity, and this is the negative in our relationship from my side of the fence, that's all.

The fact she doesn't initiate and even worse, sleepwalks through intimacy when it does come around makes me feel worthless; completely worthless to her as anything but a caring, loving Husband. No longer a lover. That's what bothers me.

I know she can't help how she feels either which is why the discussion is often difficult and ultimately fruitless. She apologises for how she is, I apologise for making her feel bad about how she is, etc.

This post is in no way a subconscious nod towards potentially looking elsewhere for my intimacy; that isn't me, but I appreciate how you might see that from this. This is something I've been grappling with for some time and it's only recently that I've opened up a little and spread the net wider to seek advice.

She's menopausal. You're not. Age gap relationships often founder when the difference in life stage becomes more stark.

Am I right in saying that you were 17 and she was 35 when you got together? Maybe time to experience some adult life without mum wife?

But WHAT advice?

I don't understand what you're actually ASKING us?

@NotANotMan - wow...

@ShatnersWig (nice handle btw!) - you've hit the nail on the head. I honestly don't know. I'm probably just venting. I think I need somebody to tell me that my feelings are completely normal. My worry is that the answer to "okay, so now I know it's normal - how do I fix it" is "you can't" or "you can't, alone".

I have suggested relationship counselling in the past. I might try asking her that again; previously we both agreed with didn't need it after initially suggesting it.

I suppose I was wondering also whether the women on here can identify with my Wife a bit so I can see whether her side of the fence is more common than my head is constantly telling me it is.

Wow what?
Your relationship started with a huge power imbalance and arguably abusively so

From my perspective, DH was too set in his ways. When we talked about what we wanted from sex, he listened but then just carried on as he always had. It was always a big deal, full on long involved... sometimes I just wanted a quickie. It had to be in the bedroom- well I'm in bed because I'm tired. Sometimes I wanted intimacy without orgasms, but if I touched him at all it ended in attempts at sex. He was clear he didn't really want to touch me if it wasn't about sex.
So I started avoiding touching him at all.

Have you really listened to what she says about it?

@NotANotMan - There is a limit to what I'll write publicly in terms of the background here. Suffice to say it wasn't actually like that and there are an enormity of factors around this.

It’s unlikely things are going to change so you’ll either have to leave and find someone who wants the same level of affection as you do; or you can stay and accept that this is how it will always be.
Could you be sexually incompatible in that she just doesn’t enjoy it with you? I found it beyond boring with my ex as he just didn’t excite me. I would fake my orgasms to get him to hurry up, and after a few years of this I lost interest completely as it was such a chore. We stopped having sex completely for 4 years before breaking up. I have sex multiple times per week with the man I’m with now as we have such an undeniable chemistry and I never have to take anything.
(Not trying to imply that you are crap in bed - you might just not be compatible with her but would rock someone else’s world)

@picklemepopcorn - Interesting and very insightful. Thanks for the response.

We have as a couple previously discussed this and the act of sex wasn't particularly high on her agenda intimacy wise. You are right and I will admit that usually, and possibly due to the scarcity of it, when there is any intimacy at all (back rubbing, foot massage, etc) I usually try and progress this to sex.

In terms of sexual intimacy however, I have always tried to be attentive. I will always do what she wants me to do (although that conversation doesn't happen now) whether that be a manual stimulation and orgasm prior to sex, which is the way things have actually ended up when it is on the table.

Interestingly, after climax she would be very happy to just roll over and go to sleep if I offered her that. I know because I have a few times, leaving me in the "lurch" somewhat.

Perhaps you have a point about the intimacy without any sexual connotations though, however I must confess I'd find that incredibly difficult seeing as though I'm bending over backwards already to cater to her.

Reading that back, it sounds rather resentful and I think that's the other reason I posted. I have always been very aware of "relationship checking" throughout our time together. Not taking things for granted and ensuring that if something hints at the start of a bigger issue, I shut it down and address it; it's one of the things I'm good at in our relationship. This is perhaps another indication of it. I don't want to come to resent our relationship sexually, and perhaps that stance I'm taking is evidence that is already starting.

It sounds like your relationship started on very dodgy territory - you a boy, her a grown woman. She no longer finds you attractive now you aren't a fat young man (echoing your words when you said she finds you less attractive now you've lost 7 stone). It sounds like she has odd sexual quirks that are no longer on the table - young, fat. I'd leave. This is not a healthy relationship in terms of power dynamics, sex or communication.

In terms of falling asleep- the little break DH always understandably wanted at that point while I was still 'in the moment', was unhelpful for me. I would be relaxed and ready to sleep by the time he was ready to get going.

Pacing is so important. We were too different. He was a slow and steady kind of guy, and I liked a bit of excitement.

You are young enough to meet someone who’s a good match, why would you give that up for companionship now?

🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm not asking you to share but anyone can see what has happened

Your wife sounds very lucky to have someone who is so understanding and willing to stick by her through the bad times as well as the good. As by the sounds she has with you while you went to counselling etc.
You mentioned you have lost weight and she feels less confident about her own weight. Maybe she needs to seek some counselling herself and build on her own self confidence. This may help her to start feeling sexy again.

@alison10099 - I agree, but that was then and there is 20 years of happenings that have sent us twists and turns along the way.

@picklemepopcorn - so how did things end up?

@Theop - Of course I am, but I love my Wife

@NotANotMan - On the face of it, I'd agree. How things started is one thing, but a lot has changed and happened. We haven't stayed the same people.

@Gemzry - She actually has been at CBT counselling recently but for other issues.

The long and short is that there is always "something" happening in life to use as an excuse; tiredness, injury/pain, headaches, stress, etc....but I'm sure all couples have this and still manage to have some functioning sex life.

I think you should have a talk to her and suggest sex therapy as a couple. I know you say you have talked before but again Let her know how much of a issue this has become for you and how it is making you feel.

Mr B, we've been married 25 years, and have two children. Several periods of sexlessness, and it's been about five years now. We've both accepted this is how it is.

Bear in mind we are 50, not 38.