Long relationship devoid of sex - help!

[MrBeeBee]

Hello,

Firstly, sorry for the long post - I'm usually great at understanding what I'm supposed to do relationship wise but I'm at a bit of a loss.

Background: I'm 38, my Wife of 10 years is 56 so yes, there's an age difference. We've been together for 21 years believe it or not.

We had an amazing sex life to begin with. Many said that this would vanish aftr the first few years but for the first 10 years I'd say it stayed.

It has slowed considerably, and in the last 3 years dropped off a cliff. I understand my Wife is getting older so I'm sensitive to the fact that this might be her libido lowering or altering; I understand.

We've been through quite a lot actually. My wife had a hysterectomy around 11 years back (she already has 2 kids from previous marriage). That didn't effect our relationship; I never wanted kids and she didn't want anymore. The Op was more for her heavy period (VERY heavy) and it actually provided her a new lease of life which was great.

More recently she's had a replacement knee due to arthritis (4 years ago). Again, she's pain free and it was a great move.

I'm just highlighting that she has had some tough times so I'm aware of this.

However, here's where I find myself now. My Wife never initiates any sort of sexual contact at all. When I do, there's either a reason to avoid it (tired, have to get up early, I have other things to do..etc) or she lies there and I have to make all the moves. I'm sure you understand, but to that end, I feel unwanted, utterly unwanted.

I've approached her about this before over the years, and occasionally there is a brief spark (nothing triggers it out of the ordinary - I've paid careful attention to this) and we have great sex.....then it's back to 'normal'.

I've read much about how to set the right mood, the mental and emotional aspect of sex for a Woman (I won't lie - it's the same with me to be fair), and I believe I tick all the boxes. I do everything; I cook, I clean, I organise the house chores, I shop, I drive wherever we go when we're together,. She runs a small business as well as working part time and I help out with that whilst trying to have my own interests. I feel I do everything a man, no, a partner, should.

When we've discussed this before she does say she's sorry but she just doesn't feel like she used to; sexy (she has put on weight - her words) or up for it anymore.

Additionally, since I lost a lot of weight last year (7 stone to be precise) she has openly admitted she doesn't find me as attractive as she used to.

I understand all of this and when we have these conversations, and it's two way (rarely) we are very understanding of each other and try to understand all avenues, but I'm struggling. Sex is a big part, and yes I know the age difference might be a factor, but as I knew her age, she knows mine.

The last straw was last night. It was late, gone midnight, and I was restless and she was still thumbing through websites and facebook on her iPad. I leaned over to initiate some kissing, and at first she turned over (slowly), but then as I stroked her back, and hugged and kissed her, she began to get heavy eyed. The pillows she usually has to sleep ended up between us, and I ended up telling her (nicely) to get some sleep as she was tired....she wasn't 20 seconds ago.

I know, wholeheartedly my Wife loves and cares for me. I know because I've seen it. However, I'm 38, I still would like to have a sex life with my Wife, and it's becomming increasingly hard. Normal sex for us (after a settling in period) was around once a week. That was lustful, passionate, wanton sex.

Now, hence my post, once every 2 months, with me almost begging, and an unenthusiastic "come on, get on with it" (sometimes that's even said!) response, is what I can expect. At this point, when it DOES happen, it's purely functional, and I feel nothing other than release - I don't feel wanted.

Any recommendations welcome; please don't suggest that she doesn't deserve me, or that she's bang out of order. I'm trying to see her side of things and help and advice to that end might actually help me :)

Do you cuddle with her without fondling her boobs etc and without the expectation it will lead to sex?
Tell her she’s beautiful and sexy with massages but again without trying to initiate sex.
Do this for a couple of weeks and her interest might start to come back.
Oh and oral sex....do everything you can do orally if she hasn’t told you her favourites.
Good luck, it’s nice to see a guy on here who isn’t contemplating paying for it and genuinely loves his wife.

What planet is Adora10 and MargeB on? Of course it's abuse, I can't believe people are trying to normalize this. Legally a 17 year old is a child, no which way about it. My daughter is 16 going on 17 and there's no way I'd let her even talk to a 35 yr old, neither would my husband, and neither would any caring parent of their underage child.
Totally agree with everything @NotANotMan says, so do most people, except maybe abusers themselves or people brainwashed by abusers to think it's the norm.

The age of consent in the uk is 16. So it’s not illegal here.

The age of consent may be 16. You are still classed a child until 18.

I must have been a child bride then because I married my exH at 16.

It sounds like she is experiencing physical changes in her body which isn't making her feel in the mood. I am sure she is attracted to you. Would you still feel connected to her if you gave each other a back rub? You may need to take care of things on your own for release. Then you can just lay with her and not feel like you are being turned away. She may be feeling the pressure to perform when she physically isn't able to do it. It sucks getting older. Think about what it is is like for the other person who' s body is changing and they can't enjoy sex as they did before. This happens to both men and women and it doesn't matter how old you are, You are going to need to talk about it with her. There may be a position that will work for her and you can see if you can find a product to help her to help as well. It is important for people to bond with one another. You just may need to more creative and open that relationships change over time.

Also what 35 year old woman in her right mind is interested in a 17 year old boy? It's actually disturbing.

I must have been a child bride then because I married my exH at 16.

Yep.

Legal definition of child according to nspcc.

You love her enough to stay without sex. She doesn't want sex it hurts she has no libido, you go on and on.

Your call.

Hi @MrBeeBee I'm working my way through the thread!

The long and short I think is if she said "I'm never having sex again - sorry" I'd still stay because I love her! Does that make me an absolute mad man?

I'm a similar age, in a similar situation without the age difference. If DP told me she was never having sex again it would put me in an unenviable position. No sex for 30/40-odd years. I dearly love her and think the world of her, but I'd end up resenting her. If you cannot resolve this, and it sounds like your wife's mind is made up. If sex is an integral part of a relationship for you, leave

Both DP and myself have chronic pain issues, great post @HawkingEmma agree wholeheartedly.

I agree with @Sadiesnakes and @NotANotMan too. I'm early 40s, the thought of finding a 17 year old girl attractive gives me the creeps. DPs best friend "dated" a man in his 50s at 16 through 18, the abuse was obvious and prevalent.

Anyway back on topic....

So, you met a sexy experienced older woman and she an innocent young buck - what could go wrong?! Of course there has been physical attraction til now. She's older and has health issues which can't be reversed. What good would counselling do? Nothing.
Your posts are confusing. You love her and don't want to have an affair or leave. You want advice on how to help. How can you help someone be young and fit again? You can't!
Accept that sex is off the agenda or leave. The situation will only get worse, not better and you will end up resenting her and she you.
Sorry this is not what you want to hear but that's the reality of the situation.

My husband and I havent had sex for almost 10 years, we're a bit older than you and your wife. We love each other, have a great life together, just no sex. There is more to life and marriage, than sex.

I dont think I would be able to put up with a sexless marriage, but thats just me. Everyone is different. I need to feel wanted, need the closeness, but the poster seems to be saying that he is ok with this set-up, more or less, or rather he's frustrated but will stay regardless, so not sure what we can advise really?

The age-gap is the least of the problems here. There are a lot of ill-informed comments and assumptions banded about. I wouldnt be attracted to a 17 year old either, but the poster and his wife have been together 20 years so its obviously worked for them. And to reiterate its not illegal for a 17 year old to have sex with a 30 year old. Whether we find it 'weird' or not, doesnt change the fact that its not illegal. The poster could have joined the Army at 16, for example. I'd left home and was working when I was 17!

'In England and Wales the age of sexual consent is 16 for both men and women. The age of consent is the same regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of a person and whether the sexual activity is between people of the same or different gender.'

Many thanks again for those continuing to post helpful comments.

To put an end to the 'vitriol', the circumstances in which we met were a little unusual, and yes, the age difference was a huge taboo and of course, many would have considered this hugely concerning. However, as nobody on here actually knows the two of us (hence why I'm posting primarily), then you can either make wild assumptions that she is a predator, and I, simply have Stockholm syndrome, or, more helpfully, you simply put that part to one side and see the predicament that both my Wife and I are in. I'm well aware this affects both of us.

I have spoken to my Wife since the original post, and we have been intimate once since. Now, the discussion was interesting and whilst it didn't resolve anything, it did cover off some of my larger issues. The issue is not attraction, and it's not simply a case of her getting "bored".

We have some issues of health to work through as well as me simply understanding that, as an older woman, maybe her libido isn't what it was. I understand that, and whilst I'm not yet able to accept it, I love my Wife enough to walk down that path and attempt to.

Thanks again for your help.

I want to point out one thing I've noted during these responses. There are a lot of very judgemental people around. Perhaps that's just how I see it, perhaps they see it as having firmly held opinions on certain matters. I find anybody who is that wedded to their own view of the world incredibly closed minded and rather sad, frankly. There is literally no two people the same and whilst traits, sexual orientation, persuasion, and many other aspects of humanity can be shared, nobody can truly know what it's like to walk in anothers' shoes.
Luckily I'm blessed with being inwardly judgemental without having to share it outwardly - I wish more on help forums such as this were that way inclined.