Hello,
Firstly, sorry for the long post - I'm usually great at understanding what I'm supposed to do relationship wise but I'm at a bit of a loss.
Background: I'm 38, my Wife of 10 years is 56 so yes, there's an age difference. We've been together for 21 years believe it or not.
We had an amazing sex life to begin with. Many said that this would vanish aftr the first few years but for the first 10 years I'd say it stayed.
It has slowed considerably, and in the last 3 years dropped off a cliff. I understand my Wife is getting older so I'm sensitive to the fact that this might be her libido lowering or altering; I understand.
We've been through quite a lot actually. My wife had a hysterectomy around 11 years back (she already has 2 kids from previous marriage). That didn't effect our relationship; I never wanted kids and she didn't want anymore. The Op was more for her heavy period (VERY heavy) and it actually provided her a new lease of life which was great.
More recently she's had a replacement knee due to arthritis (4 years ago). Again, she's pain free and it was a great move.
I'm just highlighting that she has had some tough times so I'm aware of this.
However, here's where I find myself now. My Wife never initiates any sort of sexual contact at all. When I do, there's either a reason to avoid it (tired, have to get up early, I have other things to do..etc) or she lies there and I have to make all the moves. I'm sure you understand, but to that end, I feel unwanted, utterly unwanted.
I've approached her about this before over the years, and occasionally there is a brief spark (nothing triggers it out of the ordinary - I've paid careful attention to this) and we have great sex.....then it's back to 'normal'.
I've read much about how to set the right mood, the mental and emotional aspect of sex for a Woman (I won't lie - it's the same with me to be fair), and I believe I tick all the boxes. I do everything; I cook, I clean, I organise the house chores, I shop, I drive wherever we go when we're together,. She runs a small business as well as working part time and I help out with that whilst trying to have my own interests. I feel I do everything a man, no, a partner, should.
When we've discussed this before she does say she's sorry but she just doesn't feel like she used to; sexy (she has put on weight - her words) or up for it anymore.
Additionally, since I lost a lot of weight last year (7 stone to be precise) she has openly admitted she doesn't find me as attractive as she used to.
I understand all of this and when we have these conversations, and it's two way (rarely) we are very understanding of each other and try to understand all avenues, but I'm struggling. Sex is a big part, and yes I know the age difference might be a factor, but as I knew her age, she knows mine.
The last straw was last night. It was late, gone midnight, and I was restless and she was still thumbing through websites and facebook on her iPad. I leaned over to initiate some kissing, and at first she turned over (slowly), but then as I stroked her back, and hugged and kissed her, she began to get heavy eyed. The pillows she usually has to sleep ended up between us, and I ended up telling her (nicely) to get some sleep as she was tired....she wasn't 20 seconds ago.
I know, wholeheartedly my Wife loves and cares for me. I know because I've seen it. However, I'm 38, I still would like to have a sex life with my Wife, and it's becomming increasingly hard. Normal sex for us (after a settling in period) was around once a week. That was lustful, passionate, wanton sex.
Now, hence my post, once every 2 months, with me almost begging, and an unenthusiastic "come on, get on with it" (sometimes that's even said!) response, is what I can expect. At this point, when it DOES happen, it's purely functional, and I feel nothing other than release - I don't feel wanted.
Any recommendations welcome; please don't suggest that she doesn't deserve me, or that she's bang out of order. I'm trying to see her side of things and help and advice to that end might actually help me :)