Long relationship devoid of sex - help!

[MrBeeBee]

Hello,

Firstly, sorry for the long post - I'm usually great at understanding what I'm supposed to do relationship wise but I'm at a bit of a loss.

Background: I'm 38, my Wife of 10 years is 56 so yes, there's an age difference. We've been together for 21 years believe it or not.

We had an amazing sex life to begin with. Many said that this would vanish aftr the first few years but for the first 10 years I'd say it stayed.

It has slowed considerably, and in the last 3 years dropped off a cliff. I understand my Wife is getting older so I'm sensitive to the fact that this might be her libido lowering or altering; I understand.

We've been through quite a lot actually. My wife had a hysterectomy around 11 years back (she already has 2 kids from previous marriage). That didn't effect our relationship; I never wanted kids and she didn't want anymore. The Op was more for her heavy period (VERY heavy) and it actually provided her a new lease of life which was great.

More recently she's had a replacement knee due to arthritis (4 years ago). Again, she's pain free and it was a great move.

I'm just highlighting that she has had some tough times so I'm aware of this.

However, here's where I find myself now. My Wife never initiates any sort of sexual contact at all. When I do, there's either a reason to avoid it (tired, have to get up early, I have other things to do..etc) or she lies there and I have to make all the moves. I'm sure you understand, but to that end, I feel unwanted, utterly unwanted.

I've approached her about this before over the years, and occasionally there is a brief spark (nothing triggers it out of the ordinary - I've paid careful attention to this) and we have great sex.....then it's back to 'normal'.

I've read much about how to set the right mood, the mental and emotional aspect of sex for a Woman (I won't lie - it's the same with me to be fair), and I believe I tick all the boxes. I do everything; I cook, I clean, I organise the house chores, I shop, I drive wherever we go when we're together,. She runs a small business as well as working part time and I help out with that whilst trying to have my own interests. I feel I do everything a man, no, a partner, should.

When we've discussed this before she does say she's sorry but she just doesn't feel like she used to; sexy (she has put on weight - her words) or up for it anymore.

Additionally, since I lost a lot of weight last year (7 stone to be precise) she has openly admitted she doesn't find me as attractive as she used to.

I understand all of this and when we have these conversations, and it's two way (rarely) we are very understanding of each other and try to understand all avenues, but I'm struggling. Sex is a big part, and yes I know the age difference might be a factor, but as I knew her age, she knows mine.

The last straw was last night. It was late, gone midnight, and I was restless and she was still thumbing through websites and facebook on her iPad. I leaned over to initiate some kissing, and at first she turned over (slowly), but then as I stroked her back, and hugged and kissed her, she began to get heavy eyed. The pillows she usually has to sleep ended up between us, and I ended up telling her (nicely) to get some sleep as she was tired....she wasn't 20 seconds ago.

I know, wholeheartedly my Wife loves and cares for me. I know because I've seen it. However, I'm 38, I still would like to have a sex life with my Wife, and it's becomming increasingly hard. Normal sex for us (after a settling in period) was around once a week. That was lustful, passionate, wanton sex.

Now, hence my post, once every 2 months, with me almost begging, and an unenthusiastic "come on, get on with it" (sometimes that's even said!) response, is what I can expect. At this point, when it DOES happen, it's purely functional, and I feel nothing other than release - I don't feel wanted.

Any recommendations welcome; please don't suggest that she doesn't deserve me, or that she's bang out of order. I'm trying to see her side of things and help and advice to that end might actually help me :)

But who said its an authority figure? And with all respect your personal opinion that its abusive is based on literally nothing - they've been together 20 years! Has the poster said anything about being abused by this woman? I must have missed that bit.

Notanotman is obviously just trying to cause a stir and be deliberately nasty - slow hand clap

I have no idea. Maybe they met while the op was illegally out drinking underage, who knows where people in their 30s meet 17 year olds that isn't school or a sports club. But 20 years later is a bit late to start thinking about the age gap, I agree on that score.

@tearingupmyheart

They’ve been together 20 years!

And just so you know my dad had been working since the age of 14 I’m going way back here, I can assure you my mother did neither abuse nor cross any boundaries, they were together nearly 50 years so stick your definition 👍

Notanotman - this is exactly my point! Your argument makes no sense.
'No, because they are more or less the same age' - but its illegal (in your eyes) because one is an adult and one an 'adult child' - face palm.

A 15 year old and a 16 year old are 'more or less the same age' - however its ILLEGAL. A 19 year old and a 50 year old is not exactly 'more of less the same age' and its LEGAL. Get it now?

Your own prejudice is your own prejudice, based on what you think is gross and weird, not what it illegal in law. Like I said, I dont doubt there are things you do that other people would find a bit weird or a bit gross, but its your own business, as long as youre not breaking the law. (sigh)

Well said Marg, so much ignorance 🙁

A 16 year old with a 15 year old would be v v unlikely to be prosecuted. A 30 year old would. Any adult in a position of responsibility over a 17 year old would be.

Thanks Adora10.

With respect the other other post, you're missing the point. I was simply saying that the argument falls apart the moment you dissect it. The comment first started by accusing the posters wife of abuse - there is no grounds for assuming this or assuming she was in a position of responsibility - so why the wild assumptions? The comment then stated that 17 was an 'adult child' and thus illegal, then blew their own argument up by saying 17 and 18 year old relationship was fine because theyre 'more of less the same age' - its either illegal or its not - its really that simple.

I just find it ridiculous that accusations about abuse were brought up and now assumptions about her being a soccer coach - this is 20 years later - theyre married and having problems - not once was the subject of abuse brought up - honestly people need to get a grip and stop forcing their narrow minded views on everyone else. Im suspicious as a rule of people who obsess and are quick to judge others as 'weird or gross' - they usually have a fair few skeletons hanging in the closet.

I'm saying ...
The legal definition of a child is as the other poster says ... under 18
And
No it isn't as simple as its illegal or not. The age gap is highly significant. Police are not interested and will not prosecute with small age gaps, unless there are other factors as well. They certainly will with large age gaps.
And
It also depends on the relationship between the two eg teacher/student/coach/player

I agree, it's a bit late to worry about it now.

The original argument from Notanotman was that the posters wife was an abuser because he was (in her eyes) an 'adult child' as he was under 18. I then asked if she would say that it was abuse if a 19 year old was involved with a 17 year old, the reply was - thats fine 'because they are more or less the same age' - makes absolutely no sense at all! You still have an adult with an 'adult child' (in their eyes) for crying out loud. The stupidity is amazing. So what we're left with is someone's prejudice, which we can all do without! But you cant argue with stupidity and bigoted views.

The poster asked for advice regarding sex, not to have his wife accused of being an abuser 20 years ago. Get a grip.

It makes complete sense. Why doesn't it to you? A two year age gap at that age vs a twenty year age gap. Both legal. One creepy and gross, the other not.

Anyway, it isn't really the point of the thread, so I apologise for keeping it going as a discussion.

I never said it was illegal
I said that it was a huge power imbalance and the teenager was extremely vulnerable to abuse. It is my view that an adult of 35 who views a teenager under 18 as an appropriate sexual and romantic partner is not acting in the young person's interests and has extremely poor boundaries. It is socially dysfunctional. I would be extremely surprised to see such a relationship that did not have an abusive dynamic.

So regardless of what I’ve said you’re implying my mother abused my father, you really are deluded.

Did the OP mention abuse, no? Stop making assumptions then, it’s irrelevant to the question.

I would say that the age difference is highly relevant to the OP's relationship difficulties actually. They are at completely different life stages and he is setting himself up to be her carer in a few years!
If they were a couple who had got together at 27 and 46 it would be different but the dynamic of fully mature adult + mid teenage young person is inherently unequal.

And yes that also applies to your parents if your mum was in her 30s and your dad 17 when they got together.

notanitman you are actually disgusting, my dad was very much the dominant male and my mum a nurturer but you insist my mum abused him in some way it’s actually laughable but makes me angry that you feel you have insight into people you don’t know, you remind me of Trump, full of goady spite.

The OP has been married 20 years you implied abuse, when there is none.

Yes age gaps can catch up with you, still doesn’t donate any kind of abuse. Believe it or not but people fall in love make a family and cherish each other.

Basically if your partner is 13 years older than you then they’ve abused you 👍😂

Oh and for the record my dad was 2 months off his 18th birthday, guess he was only abused those 2 months then 😂

Nope, it's still weird and creepy at 18 and 30s. I'd be absolutely disgusted if any woman in her thirties was trying to date my teen son.
This was a long time ago though, right? People thought a lot of stuff was acceptable back then.

I’m a big believer in making an appointment with a (good, recommended) therapist and just giving your partner the date, address and time to attend.

Suggesting, discussing, mentioning getting therapy doesn’t progress the thing. Having sessions booked into the future does. It forces everyone to confront things, and hash out and practice solutions.

Don’t be embarrassed. The counsellor already knows it’ll likely be about sex or money or housework!

I’m in a celibate marriage (not my choice) but couples therapy helped me come to terms with it, and for my hurt to be heard. Hopefully you’ll be luckier than me and develop a new, better ‘normal’ sexlife. Good luck.

If pain is the issue then I can totally understand where she is coming from. No one wants to inflict pain on themselves.
So perhaps this would be somewhere to start? Yoga maybe got building strength together? Gp for some decent pain management?
Her ailments will only worsen with age and healthy body and mind are such important components of a healthy sex life

My parents were neither weird or creepy but thanks for your opinion @tearingupmyheart they were an inspiration and I’m nothing but proud, if aby thing my dad was the leader of the relationship, kinda throws your psychological analysis straight in the gutter.

If anyone is being abusive it’s you and your fellow goader, at the very least blatant ageism and truthfully plain old ignorance.

“The overwhelming response I got was that she's often in pain (she has had a few difficulties what with the knee operation, and a pulled shoulder muscle, etc) which means she knows she's going to be uncomfortable and as such it turns her off the situation immediately.“

I can understand this, as I too have disability and chronic pain issues. It’s definifely a difficult issue to have. However, sex is important to me and because of that, I’ve worked at finding ways to make it more comfortable for me, to find the least painful positions (which absolutely isn’t a chore either, there’s a lot of fun to be had in trying out new positions and aids to help!) and such. There is SO much information online to help couples work around pain and disability. Quite often I believe it comes down to how much someone really WANTS to work around it and from your posts (and by her own admission, too) it doesn’t seem like your wife really wants sex so the desire to find a more comfortable route is obviously nil. Which, in turn, means it can be a very convenient ‘excuse’ to give - particularly as you seem to be incredibly understanding, I think she perhaps knows that you’d hate to be the cause of pain. There are many ways to be intimate without causing huge amounts of pain too.. Again, this often comes down to the desire to want to be intimate. Sex exacerbates my pain levels considerably but I’m okay with that because I need and want intimacy. Perhaps it would be worth having another (gentle) conversation in order to clarify the things and/or positions in particular that cause her pain and seeing if she is wanting to explore some ways around them in order to lessen the pain? From an outsiders POV it doesn’t seem like she does, but having that conversation may also help to figure out whether it is indeed a reason or whether it is more like the ‘I’m too tired’ reason. (Sidenote, I am in no way saying your wife isn’t in pain or is exaggerating, so I hope it doesn’t read that way)

I have to fully agree with pp’s who think that a relationship between a 17 yo and a 35yo is hugely imbalanced and borderline abusive. I’m sure there are exceptions to this rule but there’s a reason that teachers/ people in any kind of authority over minors would be struck off for starting a relationship with a 17yo.

But that’s not the point of the thread. OP I think it’s probably come to the point in your relationship where the age difference is really starting to have a marked effect on your relationship. A lot of women in their 50’s do lose interest in sex/ find it too painful to enjoy. Have you considered therapy? You’ve obviously tried to talk to your partner but it’s hard to do without one/ both of you feeling like your being blamed. A therapist can often really help simply by being impartial and letting you air your thoughts without blame.

It’s not illegal for a teacher or lecturer to date a student as long as the student is of legal age, whether they are struck off is down to the educational establishment. This is irrelevant to the post.

I’m sorry the OPs thread has been derailed and for my part in that, I know my parents relationship was not started by abuse, coercion or any power inequity and I’d bet either did the OPs, 20 years is an achievement and so is 50 like my parents, proving everyone is an individual and love is not based on age whatsoever.

Sorry 21 years 😊