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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly saying I'm controlling him - please help

85 replies

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:28

My DH, together 14 years, has very recently turned 40. We have school aged DC. There have been problems in our relationship and to be honest the problems have been caused by both of us at different times. However we didn't seem to be heading for a split until very recently.

H isn't actually saying much, but just acting a bit restless and moody, keeps saying he's not spending the next decade doing x,y, or z (can be general life things or relationship things, just everything really).

The crux of this happened the other night. We had a valentine weekend together and it was good although there was a slight atmosphere, but we went for dinner and cinema, laughed, had sex. DC were at grandparents.

On Sunday I was working. He mentioned he was going to listen to football and he texted me during work. I thought because the DC were still at grandparents he might have went to the pub to watch it - he hardly ever goes to pubs. So I replied "Blah blah blah (work stuff). Did you go out?" That was literally it. All I said.

Well I was shocked - he went MENTAL in his texts replying. Calling me a 'jealous bully' 'controlling' and stating that he is a free individual and will not tolerate domineering' and that I think I 'have ownership of' him. !!

I wasn't happy at all to be treated like that and it turned into an argument. He is now today saying that I 'lost' him that exact moment.

I am so so hurt and beyond shocked.

Is this a midlife crisis?? I would really appreciate any advice on what I should actually do here?? I've just been sending him increasingly angry and hurt texts (he works away Mon-Thurs)

Thanks for any advice anyone can give. I'm so confused and hurt.

OP posts:
MaybeIamUngrateful · 19/02/2019 16:33

I'm sorry but I would say he's checked out of the relationship and he's looking for a way to leave without looking like the bad guy

femidom12 · 19/02/2019 16:33

For a start I would stop sending him texts, it's not going to achieve anything right now. Is this completely isolated behaviour on his part or has he been like this before?

Santaclarita · 19/02/2019 16:37

There's got to be more to this and to be honest I don't think anyone here can help. In this situation, it's necessary to hear both sides of the coin, not just one. We need to know his reasons for saying that. It could literally be anything.

Going by past threads on here it could be:

He's having an affair and shes maybe planting ideas in his mind
He's depressed
He's hiding something else
He actually feels controlled and is by you

Who can say which of these are true? I think really you need counselling, if he is willing to which he may not be now.

Tone down the angry and hurtful texts and suggest counselling for you both, and maybe individually. Tell him you don't want to split up and want to fix your issues once and for all.

Good luck.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:40

I'm afraid of that Sad Sad. I was angry in my response to his over the top tirade over nothing. Then the next morning before he left for work, instead of apologising, he was saying stuff like it's my "last chance" - I wouldn't take that as I'd done nothing wrong. It's like to wants to punish me for whatever is going on in his head ie him losing his feelings for me.

It's so sad and horrible, I feel bereft. I have been really jealous in the past, and yes still a bit jealous as I can always tell when he is attracted to someone his voice changes when speaking to them etc but as far as I know he has never ever given me any reason to suspect him of anything. I'm not at all controlling in the sense that I would be at all bothered if he went out - I honestly wouldn't have said a thing that he went out. That's why it doesn't make any sense.

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 19/02/2019 16:42

Are you sure you aren't controlling? You might not be able to see it, but he still might feel that way.

Honestly, see a counsellor. This all needs brought out into the open and talked about. Jealousy problems could be making you controlling without you even realising.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:45

femidom He has had periods of being off and moody with me before, but I'd say this extreme is completely isolated yes.

There is no way we could afford counselling and no way he would agree to go if we could, even when things were good. He is not a talking person, he literally squirms at any relationship discussions when it's just the two of us.

I don't know if I'm being stubborn, but I don't feel like saying I want us to stay together. I DO want us to stay together, but only if he wants it, I don't want to prolong things if he really wants to go but decides to stay cause I pressure him Sad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:57

I'm not completely sure I'm not controlling, no.

We don't have close friends of the opposite sex (but that's both of us agreed early on, and he actually made that rule, I resisted at first).

I let him take most of the family decisions, big and small, but I do give input.

I don't mind at all if he goes out. Although when he was younger he would sometimes barely see me and DC when they were young but prioritize going out with mates, stay out all night and not call etc and that annoyed me but only cause we barely saw him. He stopped that years and years ago and now seems to enjoy spending time with DC now they are older and especially us alone. That's why it's so confusing.

I don't control finances or ask to see his stuff or anything.

I don't call him excessively, in fact he calls me way more. Well until Sunday Sad Sad

I do get jealous sometimes, like when he talks to a couple of female acquintances who have interesting lives and childfree bodies. I can tell when he fancies someone, it's so obvious. But he is perfectly gentlemanly and never flirts or anything. He also gets slightly jealous if I talk to male aquintances. I used to be worse and more jealous when I was younger.

I don't mind when he goes fishing trips and leaves me in charge of DC myself, provided it's not crazily often.

I am dumbstruck.

I agree it's not a good idea to keep texting him, he says my texts are making him have 'contempt' for me Sad Sad. I just feel like all the goal posts have been suddenly changed, he has been cruel and vicious, and I feel like I should be doing something, but nothing alleviates the pain. Had to take today off work but going back tomorrow.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/02/2019 17:08

He sounds incredibly selfish, almost like he sees himself as a single man, I can't believe you tolerated him going out all night when you were at home with your child, that's shocking.

I'd stop calling him completely, let him come to you, if he doesn't, you have your answer, no need for his rudeness, you don't sound controlling at all.

Would he like it if you worked away four days a week, he'd certainly feel entitled to ask questions!

Really sorry he has made you feel so shit OP, try distracting yourself, and keep busy until you are able to sit and discuss with him, whether he likes it or not, don't sweep it away.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 17:16

To be fair to him, the going out all night etc and barely spending time with us was only for a period of about a year and was when the DC were very small and I think he was overwhelmed, way more than me.

Thanks I am going to try distracting myself and stopping contacting him. It's going to be really difficult though as I feel I've had the rug pulled from under me, it's like he's suddenly demonising me Sad Sad. Maybe it IS that I've been difficult to live with over the years and now he is taking stock and had enough as he has just turned 40 (I am 32), but then again he has been difficult too and I haven't fallen out of love with him..

I'm not even sure I want him after this as I'd be scared of what is bubbling under the surface.

I think he is going to refuse to discuss anything unfortunately. Which leaves me in limbo.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 19/02/2019 17:23

He’s checked out. Don’t think there’s much you can do.

IvanaPee · 19/02/2019 17:26

My money is on him cheating. Sorry, OP.

Even if he’s not, he’s up to something! And he’s trying to make you the bad guy.

TwitterLovesMAPs · 19/02/2019 17:28

He’s checked out of the relationship and almost certainly has OW waiting in the wings.

He’s jumped on the first little thing to cause a massive row and make it all your fault. He’s already trying to rewrite history by painting you as controlling.

peekyboo · 19/02/2019 17:32

Has he been specific about how you control him or is it just a comment he's made because you asked a question?

LemonTT · 19/02/2019 17:32

TBH you both sound as though you have issues managing your emotions and behaviour. Maybe there is too much history for you both in different ways. Bans on friends of the opposite sex, staying out all night, jealousy, anger and ultimatums are not healthy ways to live or love. All topped off with an unwillingness to talk about it or communicate well.

What about your children who are caught up in all of this. Don't you both have a responsibility to them either as a couple or as individuals. You know we don't all react to everything said or done by others. We can control our responses and still be assertive. Maybe you both like drama

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 17:33

You sound incredibly tolerant I’d never have put up with that boo hoo he was overwhelmed nah he fancied getting wrecked for a year and didn’t give a shit just like he is now

Mary1935 · 19/02/2019 17:34

Hi op he sounds controlling himself actually. What was the condition before he married you that you couldn’t have relationships with the opposite sex. Sounds to me he doesn’t trust himself and was projecting onto you.
Who manages the money?
I’d start searching for his finances and know where you stand financially.
He maybe getting ready to leave.
Please google “the pick me dance” and DONT do this.
He sounds very very selfish.
What life do you have. I hope you have family you can lean on.
🌺

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 17:35

I agree he has checked out.

I know people say this all the time on here, but I really don't think he is cheating. I don't trust him 100%, everyone is falliable, but he is a VERY bad liar and wouldn't be able to keep up a double life for long at all. and also his phone and mine are on the same contract which the itemised bills get delivered to the house which I don't think he even knows about or cares (he set it up but is not techy). Shamefully - and this is the FIRST time I've ever done this, never even looked at the bills before for mine or his - I looked at the most recent bill which includes up to Sunday, and there is nothing except him contacting me, his parents and his male friend. Unless he had another phone.

I am scared that he just doesn't love me anymore Sad Sad.. but also angry that he seems to be trying to 'punish' me for something. His mother is pretty domineering, and maybe he feels like he wants the single life or something, but feels guilty and is taking it out on me.

OP posts:
Harumphharagh · 19/02/2019 17:38

He sounds pretty awful OP, do you not feel like saying, screw the last chance let’s be done now?

eatingtomuch · 19/02/2019 17:44

I would not text him until Thursday morning, where I'd tell him this was his last chance he either comes home and apologises for his reaction or it's over.

Take back some control OP.

eatingtomuch · 19/02/2019 17:46

Messaging via WhatsApp does. It show in hand phone bill.

When I was dating online all communication was via WhatsApp

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 17:47

peekyboo He hasn't been specific, no. He just went crazy after I asked him "Did you go out" - at first I thought it may be because he may be having midlife crisis and wants to think of himself as independent and mysterious (!!) or something, and it bothered him that I knew him so well that I guessed he'd went out (even if it didn't bother me), and he probably had to text his mother to tell her as she had DC that day. So his perception of himself as 'a free agent, unhemmed in' had been ruined!! But that doesn't explain the viciousness.

LemonTT You may be right thank you. There is definitely a lot of water under the bridge. I wouldn't say either of us like drama at all, but our relationship has been volatile yes. It's very right that we don't communicate well at all. I think love and the demands of young DC got us to about 10 years in without good communication, but the past 4 or so have been really difficult because we do not communicate well at all. His parent had cancer, I had major surgery, and we had a termination due to lack of money I regret, all in the same 2-3 years. Financial pressures as we both on on low income and bills keep going up. And now he has turned 40.

OP posts:
eatingtomuch · 19/02/2019 17:47
  • not
Adora10 · 19/02/2019 17:47

There are loads of modes to communicate for free that won’t show on any bill, he’s away mon to thurs so has opportunity it’s just usually when men act this way they’ve had it is having some kind of interaction with OW

peekyboo · 19/02/2019 17:53

I'm wondering what he was like when you met and whether he was having a life change or inner crisis of some kind then? Could it be that he has a pattern of behaviour when he wants to change his life? As in, cause chaos then make a change?

InteriorLulu · 19/02/2019 17:53

My DH did this. Accused me of all sorts of controlling behaviour, jealousy, and lots of other hurtful things. He was having an affair.

Sorry OP, please don't be fooled because you can't find anything on his telephone bill. Mine used to Skype the OW for hours in the evening when he was 'working late' in the office.

I hope you get to the bottom of it.