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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband suddenly saying I'm controlling him - please help

85 replies

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:28

My DH, together 14 years, has very recently turned 40. We have school aged DC. There have been problems in our relationship and to be honest the problems have been caused by both of us at different times. However we didn't seem to be heading for a split until very recently.

H isn't actually saying much, but just acting a bit restless and moody, keeps saying he's not spending the next decade doing x,y, or z (can be general life things or relationship things, just everything really).

The crux of this happened the other night. We had a valentine weekend together and it was good although there was a slight atmosphere, but we went for dinner and cinema, laughed, had sex. DC were at grandparents.

On Sunday I was working. He mentioned he was going to listen to football and he texted me during work. I thought because the DC were still at grandparents he might have went to the pub to watch it - he hardly ever goes to pubs. So I replied "Blah blah blah (work stuff). Did you go out?" That was literally it. All I said.

Well I was shocked - he went MENTAL in his texts replying. Calling me a 'jealous bully' 'controlling' and stating that he is a free individual and will not tolerate domineering' and that I think I 'have ownership of' him. !!

I wasn't happy at all to be treated like that and it turned into an argument. He is now today saying that I 'lost' him that exact moment.

I am so so hurt and beyond shocked.

Is this a midlife crisis?? I would really appreciate any advice on what I should actually do here?? I've just been sending him increasingly angry and hurt texts (he works away Mon-Thurs)

Thanks for any advice anyone can give. I'm so confused and hurt.

OP posts:
LargeGlassofWhiteWine · 19/02/2019 18:41

It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship and is following "the script". Have a read, I think you'll see in there what your DH is doing.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script

So sorry this is happening to you Flowers

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:42

He DID go out yes, but he was cagey and wouldn't say when I first asked. Looks like he went out in the afternoon to the pub then picked up the DC from his parents at about 7pm and walked back (didn't drive) whilst I was working.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 19/02/2019 18:42

Two ways of looking at this in my opinion,

  1. He became madly defensive when you asked him if he was going out as he has something to cover up.
  2. He wants to antagonise you so much that you will tell him to go therefore relieving himself of the guilt, I think it is called guilt shifting.
However I do hope I am wrong, only you know your dh and do not let him use mid life crisis as an excuse.
Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:43

You'll get 90% of the posters on here saying that he's having an affair.
Maybe he is. Who knows.
But if you want to make an effort, don't take their views as gospel.

peekyboo · 19/02/2019 18:46

Don't assume anything til you know more. You might be controlling, he might be having an affair, you could have both moved on and not be suited anymore. Don't be so quick to take the blame, but also try not to let anger be your main reaction. If you were angry and hurt when you sent all those texts, that gave little room for a conversation and plenty for him to read at leisure once you've calmed down.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:46

Just be wary that posters saying 'my DH did that and he was having an affair' are projecting. And in a weird way they find company in shared misery.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:49

LargeGlass I have read the script and he seems to be doing that (ie re-writing things to paint me as the bad one cause he wants out), but then he has acted similarly before - though not as extreme - and things have improved.

Saylav I do acknowledge that he is entitled to his own feelings, but I do also feel he is being unreasonable in that I have sacrificed and afforded him a lot of freedom to pursue his goals and wants,more than most would do, and that he is throwing it back in my face by being so aggressive the other day. If we are not working, and he feels controlled, then so be it, but I don't think I am overly controlling at all, and I don't think I could give him any more 'freedom' without losing myself and the relationship ending anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:55

crimsonlake I feel it's number 2) , sadly Sad Sad. I really don't think he has hidden anything - for one this would be the first time he's went out in ages and there is nothing on his phone record from that night other than a text to his parents, and he was also texting me random chat about 3 times during when he would have been out - I don't think he would be texting me about my work and DC whilst out if he was hiding or meeting someone. I wasn't due back from work until very very late and don't expect communication when at work, so he wouldn't have felt the need to contact me.

It's just so confusing. I almost want things to end as at least I'd know where I stand and not be in this limbo. But obviously I don't want things to end as I love him.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/02/2019 18:56

Couples’ counselling is expensive,yes, but much less expensive than divorce. If he refuses to try that and won’t engage with you / has checked out it sounds like it’s over.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:57

He withdraws from me when we argue, it's become a pattern. And I do too, to a lesser extent. Doesn't look good does it??

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 19:02

I don't know how we'd afford counselling, or divorce to be honest. We are both on minimum wage, him 4 full days, me 18 hours. Our rent, council tax and fuel bills have risen and risen and the DC are so expensive to keep. We have no leeway at all financially. Which stresses me out no end, but he is laid back about it which does annoy me.

OP posts:
Saylav · 19/02/2019 19:05

It's worth bearing in mind that coercive control is now a crime.

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 19:08

?? now going to look up coercive control..

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 19:12

OK, I just looked it up and I can assure you I am NOT coercively controlling. Fuck knows what is going on but it's not that.. on either side..

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 19/02/2019 20:01

I have a cousin who husband went off her rails when he hit 50.

There had been a death of a relative, heavy work pressure. A house move. Adult step son moving in after causing much worry.

Things got really bad with all the pressure and the harder the dh tried to make his dp happy the more demanding she became.

On some level she knew things were bad but didn't think or know how to change it.

With help from certain mature members of our family she did turns things around .

Original poster
heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 20:28

Robin Could you tell me how she turned it around?? I don't want to be a pushover, but I do want to try all I can to save this..

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 19/02/2019 23:34

She read loads of advise about having a good marriage and read loads on the working of the male mind.

She was on her best behaviour and I think for the first time for a long time she actually listen to what her husband was saying.

She knew she'd cocked up and was prepared to do whatever it took to get them back on track.

She took responsibility for being demanding when he'd been struggling.

She didn't argue with him when
He got angry.

In fact sometimes she just stayed quite which help diffuse things. And she stopped asking
Him stupid questions.

Many times she felt she was making little progress and I didn't think they would make it. (She could be very spoilt. )

It took a long time but she seems to have grown up.

Babymamamama · 19/02/2019 23:42

You state you are really jealous and that you can tell when he is attracted to someone (else) because his voice changes. That is not a normal pattern of thinking. If you have told him that I'm not surprised he thinks you are controlling. OP you are not a mind reader.

Saylav · 20/02/2019 00:17

@Babymamamama That was it exactly. Ex thought he knew me inside out! He didn't know me at all! It's amusing in hindsight, now that I have gotten away, but at the time it was stifling. He would tell me that he knew what I was thinking. No amount of telling him he was wrong helped. So I just gave up and allowed him to tell me what I was thinking.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/02/2019 00:35

@saylav I think you're projecting, your view point is valid but you're really pushing a version of events onto the OP which you have no reason to think is the case in her circumstances.

OP it sounds like he has been nasty and aggressive to you and that must have been a horrible shock. I think you're right to give him space, not in a sulky way but because nothing can be gained from texting about this and if he is actually feeling controlled (in this case I think it sounds like he wants to be able to do things that you don't know about) then giving him space will allow that, which as you trust him shouldn't be a concern.

Saylav · 20/02/2019 01:11

The OP has stated that she sent vicious texts to him and that he said that it's only compounding his decision that she's controlling.

I'm not projecting. I can however see the other side's logic. I got a lot of counselling for this.

Whenever I tried to get a bit of freedom, this was further 'proof' that I was up to no good.

You have 10's of posters projecting on here who have been cheated on. I'm giving a different perspective, as I see it. My opinion is not worth less just because it's not a majority.

allyjay · 20/02/2019 04:28

You are projecting Saylav, you're absolutely determined that the op is the jealous controlling one here.

I think HE'S the controlling one, and like My Kingdom says wants to go off and do his own thing without being questioned

frazzledasarock · 20/02/2019 04:59

I don’t think OP was controlling at all asking if her H was going out. They were texting eachother general chatty stuff, the texting was instigated by her H OP wasn’t even expecting it!

I ask DP what he’s up to, if he’s going out, what’s for lunch stuff when he’s off work and I’m at work and he’s texting me chatty texts during the day. It’s normal, I’m not controlling or claiming to read his mind, I just know he’s bored and likely to go for a drive/go shopping/ave chicken salad for lunch. Because he’s a creature of habit and really it’s mundane chitchat he’s texting so I’m just making conversation.

KennyCalmIt · 20/02/2019 05:33

99% of posters on here will tell you your husband is cheating and has another woman waiting. They’ll also tell you men don’t leave relationships unless there’s another woman. That is nonsense

Is he cheating? I have no idea
Is he happy? Clearly not
are you happy? no

What would happen if you sat him down for a chat and ask him to give you reasons as to why he thinks you’re controlling?
You both sound like you struggle with your emotions.
Does it really matter if he finds somebody else attractive? You say he’s a gent about it and doesn’t flirt - so what does it matter if he finds them good looking?
He goes out - so what. Are you sure your attitude doesn’t change as soon as he says he’s going out? Do you ever go out? If not, why?

Robin2323 · 20/02/2019 06:12

Imho
I think Saylav has some very valued and helpful posts for op.

My ex would ask me where I was going every time I left the room Confused

Answer: 'I'm going to the toilet'

I would say saylav has very valuable insight.

It's stifling to live with a controlling person. Even if you love them you have to get out.

If you don't like an opinion on here move on.

Attacking another post doesn't
make your post more valid - I have stood up about this before.

Feel your power by self awareness not by pulling others down.

Kenny is so right too.
Ow or not , that's not the issues.

There are problems which need addressing.

Ow (imho) are just distractions in the same way as : drinking , smoking , over eating , over shopping, etc

And many people will use these to distract from a problem because it easier.........