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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband suddenly saying I'm controlling him - please help

85 replies

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 16:28

My DH, together 14 years, has very recently turned 40. We have school aged DC. There have been problems in our relationship and to be honest the problems have been caused by both of us at different times. However we didn't seem to be heading for a split until very recently.

H isn't actually saying much, but just acting a bit restless and moody, keeps saying he's not spending the next decade doing x,y, or z (can be general life things or relationship things, just everything really).

The crux of this happened the other night. We had a valentine weekend together and it was good although there was a slight atmosphere, but we went for dinner and cinema, laughed, had sex. DC were at grandparents.

On Sunday I was working. He mentioned he was going to listen to football and he texted me during work. I thought because the DC were still at grandparents he might have went to the pub to watch it - he hardly ever goes to pubs. So I replied "Blah blah blah (work stuff). Did you go out?" That was literally it. All I said.

Well I was shocked - he went MENTAL in his texts replying. Calling me a 'jealous bully' 'controlling' and stating that he is a free individual and will not tolerate domineering' and that I think I 'have ownership of' him. !!

I wasn't happy at all to be treated like that and it turned into an argument. He is now today saying that I 'lost' him that exact moment.

I am so so hurt and beyond shocked.

Is this a midlife crisis?? I would really appreciate any advice on what I should actually do here?? I've just been sending him increasingly angry and hurt texts (he works away Mon-Thurs)

Thanks for any advice anyone can give. I'm so confused and hurt.

OP posts:

Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 17:58

Mary35 We are both equal with finances, both pay a proportion of bills into a joint acct based on our salaries, and the rest is ours separately. We have struggled in recent years though money wise which has stressed me more than him.

I have a couple supportive friends but my family are not supportive and can be very cold, that's one of the reasons I loved him, he was not cold ): ):

Harumph and eatingtomuch Yes I do feel like that - I did say that to him - that I can't go back knowing that I am now so disposable to him that he'd threaten to leave over one innocent comment.

This will probably be quite outing, but he is the only person I know apart from the very elderly, who has had the same non-internet-access old nokia phone since 2008!! But he could have another phone I suppose.

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Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:00

InteriorLulu I am so sorry for what happened to you. I really hope not in my case, but I know most people are capable of it, so I am keeping an open mind. I'd be absolutely devastated, but at least I'd have some kind of explanation for how he is acting.

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InteriorLulu · 19/02/2019 18:04

@heartbroken86 Thanks. I hope you find an explanation and I hope it's not what I found out about mine. Best of luck

TearingUpMyHeart · 19/02/2019 18:06

Probably an affair. He has plenty of opportunity.

Whether it is or not, he has certainly checked out. Best to show him you are happy to move on (fake it). See what happens next. (Regardless, I would recommend not taking him back)

Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:06

peekaboo He was 26 when we met, and I was 18 but living in a houseshare and working. I did say I was 20 the first two months as I thought he wouldn't be interested in me if he knew I was so young [embarrassed] [embarrassed] Being 18 I never thought it would be anything serious. When I confessed he was annoyed but got over it. We had DC (at his suggestion, but I was happy to) soon after. He had a couple of 2-4 year relationships before me, and I don't really know much else. He has changed a bit I think, but I have changed more. Not sure what life stage he was at at the time, but I do know I put him on a pedestal of what I thought was maturity, but I have changed and see him differently, although still love him. Don't think he does me though

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SandyY2K · 19/02/2019 18:09

He could be looking for an excuse end it and not look bad.

OTOH, I see so many people who are unaware of how they come across. They rather call what others perceive as aggression, as self assured and asserting themselves.

On the basis of that text exchange, it does seem like he went crazy for no good reason though.

Have you noticed any changes in his behaviour? Secretive with his phone? Going to the gym more? Late night working? Buying new clothes or sharpening up his image?

27dresses · 19/02/2019 18:12

Why so many responses saying he's having an affair?

Not necessarily, maybe he wants his independence maybe he's depressed.

People accuse their partners of affairs, doesn't not mean that the accuser is cheating. They're just insecure and jealous

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:14

Something can be brewing in me for a while, and a seemingly ordinary thing can tip me over the edge. Sounds like he has been feeling controlled and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Being vicious to him in return is not helping your cause.
Being stubborn as a mule is not helping your cause.

The sensible thing to do would be to sit down with him and say, I acknowledge that I have made you feel controlled and I apologise for that. Could we discuss it further so that I can better understand how to alter my behaviour so that you don't feel controlled?

A bit of humble pie and less fury might serve you better.

Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:16

If I were trying to find a benign explanation for all of this, I'd say it's a midlife crisis and being annoyed that I know him so well I guessed he was going out on the rare times he goes out. And that he is thinking about all the times I have admittedly been jealous in the past and that has worn him down.

But I don't think that explains it all. Part of me thinks he has indeed fallen out of love with me and he is trying to paint me as this evil controlling witch so he can find an excuse to leave.

No changes in behaviour, phone, doesn't go gym, no late working or buying new clothes or image. Does seem more focussed on not letting life 'pass him by' etc, but I thought that was the turning 40..

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Etino · 19/02/2019 18:18

Bizarre behaviour.
Only unlikely explanation I can think of is that he read a different text. Check what you sent incase there was some weird copy and paste disaster clutching at straws

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:20

Saying it's a midlife crisis is a bit condescending and patronising and is literally dismissing his feelings.
Saying that you know him so well is also a bit controlling.
You can't change him, but you can change yourself.

peekyboo · 19/02/2019 18:20

My ex did similar and while he wasn't having an affair, he had made a new friend with terrible views on women who was whispering in his ear about how I should be behaving (like an obedient wife) and how I should be put in my place. This made/gave him the excuse to behave as if I was being demanding when I wanted normal things, e.g. wanting to know when he'd be able to come home next, or asking if he could do something normal for me. Every request from me was seen as a demand, every comment from me was either a criticism or showed how I knew nothing.

In the end, he wanted out of the relationship. No idea if it would have happened without the friend's involvement though.

In our case, me ex was actually the controlling one, but very quickly saw himself as the victim once he was given a nudge that way.

Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:21

Saylav I completely understand what you are saying, but this really feels like he wants to blame me for something, he is looking to blame me for something, and me apologising won't help, but just prolong things whilst he 'finds' other faults with me. He has historically been tolerant of me and my insecurities etc, he blows up but within a few days is back to loving husband, and I tolerate his 'defects' too (overbearing, at times controversial, too strict with DC). But this feels different.

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Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:23

Btw I'm saying this as someone who had a controlling ex. He loved to think he could read my mind.

It was horrible and I felt like I didn't even have my own thoughts to myself anymore. He was an utter cunt.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:23

It probably feels different as he has finally stood up to you?

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:27

Examples of ex thinking he could read my mind would be, I'd say something to him or be annoyed about it - 'oh you're only saying that because you had a shit day at work'. Or, 'you're only saying that because that guy at the bar wasn't interested in you'.
Bizarre logic that he'd come up with.
I was entitled to feel annoyed at all. There had to be some other reason for it.
Thankfully I'm a year and a half out of that relationship now!

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:28

And that's what you're doing here. You're not allowing him to feel what he's feeling. That in itself is controlling.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:29

*I WASN'T entitled to feel annoyed

Dieu · 19/02/2019 18:31

I am so very sorry, but there has to be more to this. We really are only seeing it from your POV.

SabineUndine · 19/02/2019 18:36

So DID he go out? Did he tell you? My money would be on yes he did and I'm sorry but I think he went out to see someone else.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:37

Sabine, if he went out to see someone else he'd be lying low.

Original poster

heartbroken86 · 19/02/2019 18:38

Maybe I am controlling without realising it. We don't have much family so are kind of in each other's pockets if not physically but emotionally. I do lean on him A LOT, and he has his own struggles, although I support him fully, he has said he feels my issues take centre stage (not in as many words), but he never talks about anything, so that's the way it has been.

I will leave him alone and I will withdraw and leave him be. I feel there has been a lot of damage done though and he is not being fair to me either.

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Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:38

Maybe he just wants a tiny little piece of his life to be just his. That he doesn't have to share every tiny detail of his life with the OP. Give him a bit of freedom at least. You don't need to know when he shit last.

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:40

Or you could apologise, acknowledge how he's feeling and ask him how to make things better?
Withdrawing sounds controlling too!

Saylav · 19/02/2019 18:41

Do you in any way acknowledge that that is how he feels and that he is entitled to his own feelings?

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