Husband suddenly saying I'm controlling him - please help

[heartbroken86]

My DH, together 14 years, has very recently turned 40. We have school aged DC. There have been problems in our relationship and to be honest the problems have been caused by both of us at different times. However we didn't seem to be heading for a split until very recently.

H isn't actually saying much, but just acting a bit restless and moody, keeps saying he's not spending the next decade doing x,y, or z (can be general life things or relationship things, just everything really).

The crux of this happened the other night. We had a valentine weekend together and it was good although there was a slight atmosphere, but we went for dinner and cinema, laughed, had sex. DC were at grandparents.

On Sunday I was working. He mentioned he was going to listen to football and he texted me during work. I thought because the DC were still at grandparents he might have went to the pub to watch it - he hardly ever goes to pubs. So I replied "Blah blah blah (work stuff). Did you go out?" That was literally it. All I said.

Well I was shocked - he went MENTAL in his texts replying. Calling me a 'jealous bully' 'controlling' and stating that he is a free individual and will not tolerate domineering' and that I think I 'have ownership of' him. !!

I wasn't happy at all to be treated like that and it turned into an argument. He is now today saying that I 'lost' him that exact moment.

I am so so hurt and beyond shocked.

Is this a midlife crisis?? I would really appreciate any advice on what I should actually do here?? I've just been sending him increasingly angry and hurt texts (he works away Mon-Thurs)

Thanks for any advice anyone can give. I'm so confused and hurt.

Attacking another post doesn't
make your post more valid - I have stood up about this before.

It isn’t attacking another post to say ‘that’s your experience but it might not be the OP’s situation’ though.

We don’t know whether OP is controlling. That might be the explanation. But it might not be the explanation either. Just like ‘he’s cheating because when my DH did this he was cheating’ might be true, but might not be.

For what it’s worth OP when someone I know did this, his partner wasn’t controlling but he wasn’t having an affair either. It was the start of a bigger mental health issue which was sadly awful for everyone. He ended up getting nasty in the same way with other friends and family too, including his adult DC. As he saw it everyone in his life was trying to control him, everyone was pushing him around and didn’t want him to be happy.

I hope that’s not what’s happening here, but if it is (or even if it isn’t) you need to be prepared to go from trying to fix it to trying to do your best to minimise the effects on you and your DC if it turns out there is not a way to fix it.

Some counsellors / services offer discounts for people on low incomes. Or, if the situation is affecting your mental health, you could seek free NHS counselling for yourself.

The difficult financial circumstances may influence his decision to stay, but not actually commit or be nice to you.

It might actually be better to take some control and investigate housing, benefits etc should you decide to end the relationship.

Also, you can’t “fix it” alone: does he want to fix it, and put in equivalent effort?

@robin2323 no one 'attacked' saylav at all, and I agree that people who have been cheated on are also projecting in their own way, that's what we often do with our own experience. Saylav was posting repeatedly and seemed fixed on a view of the OP which may or may not have been correct, that's all. There's nothing in the OP to really suggest she has been controlling or coercive. She says they've both been jealous in the past, and she suggested that she 'can tell' when her dh is attracted to someone. That could be controlling in the sense of pretending she can read his mind in order to justify her actions in a certain situation, or it could be true in that her husband acts a certain way around women he find attractive, people do sometimes.

Either way, it's not on to say 'if you don't like an opinion move on' as if we shouldn't comment if we disagree..

I disagree
Oh no I'm doing it now.
Op hope you're ok :)

How long is it since you heard anything from him? You both need to have a face to face discussion.

Hey everyone, thank you for all the replies.

Haven't heard anything from him since yesterday morning when we were text-arguing.

It's so difficult because he is obviously not happy but will not communicate. I've no idea how we have lasted up to now - 14 years of barely any communication, we both have awful communication styles.

I expect he will contact me tomorrow morning as he will have to for practical reasons re the DC, as we will have to work out who will be collecting them.

But still no idea what to do going forward. I don't want him to stay if his heart not in it anymore (and from his outbursts past 2 months or so it would seem he doesn't love me, but then at times during that time he's been loving and said I love you, so I don't know), but I don't want to give up if things can get better. No idea.. only certainty is that he will refuse to talk. Has been the same for 14 years.

What is the update on this? Did you break up? Was he cheating?

FOUR YEAR OLD ZOMBIE THREAD

To Saylav you are projecting what happened to you as another poster has said onto the op which is very unfair and some of your comments are not helpful at all and you keep pushing your point down her throat. Leave her alone.

Op I think what you need to do now is just not text or contact him and just get through the days and let him contact you. Every marriage goes through difficult times so let him come to you now and if and when he does just let him talk and listen to him but do not be a pushover either. Money worries do add a lot of pressure especially now as everything crazy expensive and it is so stressful.
I hope things work out but both of you probably need some changes and do you both get to have a bit of fun quality time together that is not about the children etc. He probably is also feeling the stress of money etc but some men just keep it in to themselves and find it hard to talk. Wishing you the best and really hope he is not having an affair as that for me is the cowards' way out of a relationship. Keep posting for support and look after yourself.