Sex help!! Do I turn him off?? TMI

[Sherah88]

Right, I’m going out of my mind thinking he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, he’s 31, and keeps losing his erection during sex. To the point he has to pull out, get himself hard again, and try again. I’m thinking all sort of things. When he’s getting to reach climax, he doesn’t open his eyes, he doesn’t look at me during sex much at all. He told me in his past relationship (there was a considerable age gap him being younger) that he had to think of something else as things were that bad. I am certainly not shy in the bedroom, im 3 years older than him and I’m 2 months pregnant now with his child (this also happened before I was pregnant) and I’m thinking the worst things, he’s going to cheat etc. We had sex a couple of weeks ago and I fell asleep after (both had Been satisfied) but an hour and a half later I woke up to him watching porn in bed next to me. I of course went mad and did ask why and if I aren’t enough for him (yeah I get everyone watches porn but time and a place) I’m not a woman who is pathetic or nags, hence why I’m asking you all for advice! Help!

I’m really not diplomatic at all, I can’t advise you how to approach this.

What I did was to sit him down and say what was on my mind. Had the denial, the ‘you’re imagining things’, the ‘I’m not sure I can do this’ bullshit.
I said my piece, didn’t tolerate any bullshit, told him to come and talk to me when he’s got a solution.
So not very sympathetic at all. I didn’t think I could rub his back and say there, there after being treated so badly.

18 months?! The relationship is bad! Guess you could work at it if he shows willingness?

Is death grip what I imagine it to be ?? OMG. I need to get fitter “down there”

I’d 100% get the “you’re imagining if, I haven’t got a problem” talk.
I’d honestly rather be on my own for the rest of my life than deal with anymore relationship shit.....

Deffo porn and death grip combination ingrained over many years. This is a common issue, he will need Viagra (not guaranteed to work) or give up porn. As a bloke, I can tell you he will choose the "little blue pills"...

Is it just me that finds that massively rank, jerking off next to you in bed, Jesus, go into the toilet at least.

18 months and he's like this and prefers porn to a real live woman, nah, would kill it for me I'm afraid. Please stop blaming yourself, the guy clearly has a problem.

To add, his watching porn after having sex with you, in bed, is just disrespectful of you. I assume no diagnosed medical conditions/regular medication. I have medication induced ED and low libido, yet I still pay attention to OHs needs. Is he catering to your needs, OP? Or is it him making sure he's satisfied and screw (ahem) you?

No diagnosed medical conditions and no regular medication.....
If he has a problem with porn that’s warped his image of “normal” sex as to why he can’t maintain his erection then he can take his little blue pills elsewhere, I’m not a mug and I do have some self worth left.
If this is purely medical it’s a different story, but I really don’t think it is.
And him doing that next to me in bed IS disgusting, I was hurt at first now I’m just angry.
I need to work out the direction I’m going in. But I know it will be wait for the next little thing we argue over and it’ll all blow up which isn’t the best for anyone

And to answer If he just wants his own needs satisfied, he doesn’t have to ask me to do anything, I just do it (because I want to) whereas I have to ask him 90% of the time.
If I was reading this in another post I’d think he just doesn’t find you attractive, move on

I have to ask him 90% of the time.
Oh dear god, you need to get rid OP, that's humiliating, 18 months and so many issues, main one being he's a selfish rude bastard.

Don't think he find you unattractive, I think he's so self obsessed he thinks it's all fine, you really want to spend your life with someone so disinterested and self absorbed?

I’m questioning this too 😔

I have to ask him 90% of the time.

So short a timespan and he's already shown you how he feels about your sexual and emotional needs. Get shut.

It’s a difficult one. Never been shown love like he gives me before. Like normal love, sexual love is different and that’s where the issues are

You really should have a frank discussion about this at a time when you are both calm and not just because you've had a disagreement about something else and it's "blown up". I know it's not an easy subject to broach, but it won't go away.

I used to be addicted to porn and masturbation doing it 3 to 5 times a day outdoors or indoor literally anywhere even taking risks the more porn I read or seen the worst it was I guess he as the same problem really only stopped doing it so much now because of my age it’s s difficult cycle to break one could say I am a big wanker lol

My heart goes out to you Sherah88. Now there are 2 (or more) possibilities here as already touched on by others.
So just to summarise:
That he has erectile problems is not in doubt. The issue then is what's causing it; either:
1) the problem is purely physical or psychological i.e he is suffering from erectile dysfunction because of stress, anxiety etc, and he is resorting to porn to try and find answers there in the hope it will help with arousal., OR
2) the porn and masturbation is the problem that's causing the erectile dysfunction.
What to do about the problem:

1. have a heart-to-heart talk with him about it. Don't send texts in order to avoid difficult or awkward conversations.
2. admit to him how awkward the talk is right away, then be courageous and address it directly with him i.e tell him how the problems are making you feel.
3. ask him if he feels he needs outside help.
4. Don't make any threats or ultimatum at this point.
5. invite him to open up to you and work towards a solution together.

. You are not alone in this problem and I feel as our culture becomes more and pornified, these problems will increase. We will have a generation of desensitised young people, who are increasingly bored of sex. *@CircleofWillis and @ConfCall* touched on this.

Thankyou. I just don’t know what the conversation will go, he can become very defensive at times if it’s a subject he doesn’t want to talk about. I’m scared of making it a issue and causing even more problems. I’m also worried about hearing maybe a truth I don’t want to hear.

But I will try to broach the subject as best and calm as I can. I’m so hurt and so upset. I came out of a relationship a year before him that ended in me being extremely hurt. I had been cheated on and completely neglected. I have no faith in much anymore

So.....

*He's desensitized himself sexually by heavy porn use (shown by erection loss and 'porn style' technique)

*He's a disrespectful letch

*You have to ask him to go down on you (piss poor sexual etiquette, also porn imo)

*When you try and communicate your dissatisfaction he makes out you are batshit

All this is after 18 months, imagine how it will be in 18 years!?

I think he has a Madonna whore complex. (As soon as he falls in live he can't feel sexual attraction anymore).

I would personally run for the hills pregnant or not; unless you want to spend your life having crap sex, and having your self esteem ground to dust.

Truthfully I don't see this improving at all

Well...he is simply really shit in bed, isn't he ?

Do you see yourself tolerating this for decades ? I wouldn't.

I can't even deny that any of what anyone has said is true.....I did confront him last night and he blamed it on pregnancy hormones.....

Best you get your ducks in a row then, love.

Oh god he gets more vile, naturally it’s all your fault.

For context of my previous post Sherah, I ended my relationship with the serial wanker because we had a DD and I knew I had to have more respect for myself, for her.

God this thread is ringing so many bells for me.
My exh was pretty much a premature ejaculator. He was obsessed with anal sex. I hated it. When I tried to discuss sex he said our sex life was shit and it was my fault. That his ex learned to love anal sex. I thought initially that it'd get better with time. It most certainly didn't. He is now an ex. God knows what my hormones were playing at at the time.

One of the many things I adore about my DH is that he touches my body. That alone excites him. We have easy comfortable sex. He is having sex with me not his head. He comes without having to perform any "extras". It increases my self esteem. All good.