Sex help!! Do I turn him off?? TMI

[Sherah88]

Right, I’m going out of my mind thinking he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, he’s 31, and keeps losing his erection during sex. To the point he has to pull out, get himself hard again, and try again. I’m thinking all sort of things. When he’s getting to reach climax, he doesn’t open his eyes, he doesn’t look at me during sex much at all. He told me in his past relationship (there was a considerable age gap him being younger) that he had to think of something else as things were that bad. I am certainly not shy in the bedroom, im 3 years older than him and I’m 2 months pregnant now with his child (this also happened before I was pregnant) and I’m thinking the worst things, he’s going to cheat etc. We had sex a couple of weeks ago and I fell asleep after (both had Been satisfied) but an hour and a half later I woke up to him watching porn in bed next to me. I of course went mad and did ask why and if I aren’t enough for him (yeah I get everyone watches porn but time and a place) I’m not a woman who is pathetic or nags, hence why I’m asking you all for advice! Help!

I see the famous Mumsnet "double standards" are in play again.

According to many posters no man is allowed to not be that into sex, and if he isn't that into it then something is definitely wrong with him. Definitely not the woman's fault or anything to do with her anyway.

He has a medical problem which given the general sort of response you see on here (that it is caused by him being an inveterate wanker and he should be rock hard at the sight of his wife at all times) he is probably very ashamed of.

The porn may just be a way to try to convince himself he has a normal sexual response.

Death grip is not a real thing.

How do I find out which one it is though? I know I need a conversation but what if this makes it worse and causes sex to be awkward.

He really doesn’t seem to have an issue getting off to porn from what I saw when I woke up

Look up Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction.

I’ve been there, not fun. Men generally don’t want to give up their wanking habits, the fact he’s watching porn in bed after yous have had sex makes my skin crawl.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is having to fantasise about god knows what in order to stay hard?

I know what you mean about the eyes closed during sex, its crushing and weird. My ex gave up porn after we went round in circles for months, he joined a site called reboot nation and things got a lot better. But I just couldn’t get past everything that had happened, and we ended up breaking up.

Not all men watch porn. It's a huge myth and insidious.

Ask him to give up porn completely. I bet that will improve things. If it doesn't there's something much more serious wrong.

Prinstess......I was in a long term relationship previous to him, and I used to have to pick up his wet boxers Everyday off the floor from where he had masterbated and wiped it off and threw them by the bed without a care in the world for me to pick up. When I woke up to him doing that I actually cried, of everything I’ve ever experienced sexually it was the worst. Take away the porn I don’t think it would’ve been too bad, but add the porn and I was honestly cringing. He passed it off like I was crazy and it’s normal. I’m at the point now where I feel I’ve had enough. I’m very low and I have no confidence anymore

time.com/4277510/porn-and-the-threat-to-virility/

I left a husband due to porn induced ED.

You could try relationship counselling, but he’d likely to have to be willing to at least try life without porn for 6 months or so, just to rule it in or out as the problem. Do you think he’d do that?

This needs to be a very delicate conversation.
Erectile dysfunction can be a result of many things as previously mentioned. It may be the porn is to reassure himself that he can still function.
Sit him down, talk about what you have observed and how it makes you feel.
Try to use non judgmental language.
Suggest a visit to the GP, counseling may be required as well.
Good luck

I think he would tell me I was being stupid, There’s nothing wrong with him, and we’d continue with the beating himself off frantically to regain his erection mid sex then the eye squint to finally get off. I’m sorry I’m sounding bitter but this is the only chance to vent I’ve had. The day i woke up to the porn has filled me with anger. I love him, but he’s turned sex into a massive issue

Have a read of this OP, it may explain a lot about the problems caused by porn in relationships.

www.yourbrainonporn.com/sexual-problems/

Thankyou, I’ve always thought he acted a bit “porn like” during sex. I think this has definitely got to be the issue

Also, another issue I’ve always had with him is how he looks at other women in front of me. So alongside the porn and the sex issues, I’ve got him looking at every female that crosses his path. But with me he struggles to keep an erection with!

Doesn’t sound great and you are obviously not happy. How do you feel about beIng pregnant and staying with him?

I’m scared. When I’ve had the baby we obviously can’t have sex in the few weeks after. I’m worried how he will be. I’m worried I will see more of the porn come into play, and in a time where il be needing support, il be worried about other things. He’s going to be a brilliant dad and our relationship aside the issues I’ve mentioned, is good. But I can’t hide what I’m feeling anymore

Ever since this guy has been an adult, there has been online porn available, so he has no doubt been watching it all that time. His mind and body will have been conditioned to respond to the porn on screen and to his own touch/grip. This is why he will have problems. We have had these issues and it was only when my DH gave up watching porn that things improved. I'm not saying he never ever watches it, but at the time we had problems he was working away a lot so it was a regular thing. He works from home now and so do I so he doesn't get the opportunity (plus I said if our sex life continued to suffer because of his porn use I would have to reconsider our marriage). Yes, lots of men watch porn, but if it's having a detrimental effect on your intimacy together then he needs to decide which is more important to him.

another issue I’ve always had with him is how he looks at other women in front of me

This might be nothing but if he is really looking at other women, then ugh that’s disrespectful and gross.

Also not loving that he told you about his sex life with his ex, that’s a bit disrespectful too. How people talk about their exes is a fair indication of how they’ll talk about you - unless he’d just been momentarily indiscreet and let slip?

We had both been out for a drink together that night and he said it after I’d commented on her. I know I shouldn’t but it’s the only time he’s ever mentioned anything to do with her but it’s stuck In my head.
I think the issue is that I’m NOT enough for him and that he needs more. He’s the only man I’ve ever met in my life where i don’t even feel the need to look at anyone else. He’s always been everything I’ve ever wanted but I always said I’d nevee be treated like my last relationship but here I am

Its not you its him. Men are designed to be naturally turned on by a wide variety of body types and looks. Yeah looks like he has a problem with low libido which has been made worse by the porn use.

Maybe he needs some viagra and try and cut back on the porn and wanking. I say "cut back" because just stopping altogether is probably a bit unrealistic, and will just create too much temptation to relapse.

I work set days but I’m out all day, from morning until night. He’s got so much opportunity to do what he wants. I’ve switched the tv on before and it’s been on porn

I’m scared. When I’ve had the baby we obviously can’t have sex in the few weeks after. I’m worried how he will be

Dear god. You should not be worrying about that - ever!

He’s going to be a brilliant dad

A brilliant dad considers the feelings of the mother

he really doesn’t seem to have an issue getting off to porn from what I saw when I woke up

Okay so that leaves two things. He’s either addicted to porn and can’t do ‘normal’ sex hence losing his erections with you or he genuinely does have erection issues but manages to keep hard for porn because there’s no pressure to perform/please you

Early sex life to now is a different story and it’s only been 18 months

So you’ve only been together 18 months and he’s already losing his erections with you? Surely at this point you should still be at it like rabbits. Which makes me wonder if he genuinely does have problems keeping erections when there’s pressure

It’s a difficult one
Like just women, men can have issues with sex aswell. I went through a stage (about a month) of not being in the mood for sex but would happily please myself alone. I was stressed and wasn’t really fussed about sex because at the time it all felt like a lot of effort - but having ‘alone’ time was fine because it was just me - I didn’t have to think about DP and his pleasure.

Can you turn on the parental control on your wifi?

You’re right. I’ve thought the same about where our relationship should be at this time, but then I think I’m skready pregnant (which I’m over the mom about I’m a grown women and I work and I can look after myself) all I ever say when it happens is “it’s ok it’s ok” but it’s not ok. The way he makes me feel isn’t ok, and waking up to him watching porn next to me isn’t ok. I don’t know how to approach this I really don’t. I’m keeoing everything in an I’m going to explode with it all soon

I think he’d use just the 3G on his phone to access it then, he’d just switch his WiFi off

As I’m discussing my problematic sex life with him on here. A txt has just come through on my phone and from the preview can see it’s a photo of him he’s sent me. Which is normal he always does this. But the way I feel I can’t ecen bring myself to open it

I'd seriously reconsider this relationship. What are the chances of things improving, of him loving you when you're having sex, of him wanting to look at you, of him not watching other women constantly?

A leopard and his spots.