Do men generally stay in unhappy relationships?

[TeamRafael]

I've got friends in unhappy marriages and it's always the woman who has instigated separating. Apart from one friend, whose husband left her because he was having an affair. In all these marriages, both the husbands and wives were/are unhappy, and yet the men seemingly were just content to stay in the relationships regardless.

And then I read these boards and, apart from the current thread where the husband has left because his wife was texting an ex boyfriend, I can think of very few threads where men have left simply because the marriage is bad.

I'm in an unhappy relationship myself and I am fairly confidently that my husband would never suggest divorce. I know it's going to have to be me. I've posted on here before under different user names about things he's done to me, and have been told "OP he hates you", which I'd probably agree with, but even though he acts like he hates me, he wouldn't contemplate separating.

I don't get it - if a man hates his wife, or he's unhappy, why would he even want to stay with her??

This isn't meant to be a sweeping generalisation - I know it's not all men. But in my own narrow circle and what I've read over the years here, it does tend to be a bit of a theme.

Jet- of course you do. However there is none as blind as those who can’t see what is right in front of them.

These men do think they are gods gift unfortunately. Their alpha male pack big each other up and they really do think they are the best of the best. Sadly some of the younger women at work fall for this ego and all that comes with it too, making them feel even better. I worked in the city for over 30 years and I could write 10 books on what I have seen. Drug use, sex, affairs, drink. The whole shebang.

When it all ends for him though he will expect you to pick up the pieces.

Maybe take matters into your own hands and give him the shock! I did with mine but that was after years of putting up with his lying, cheating and treating me and the kids as an afterthought.

Jet you do realise you are his trophy wife and the DCs and your home in Beaconsfield or wherever are satisfying his hunter/provider role.

I see it all the time in the City. Even taking the affairs out they are like single men who live the pub, their mates and their work more than anything.

I've met men like this too. It's like they have the single life they always wanted I.e. one fuelled by a corporate expense account and more confidence coming from maturity and they have the home life they can walk back into any time they like and all the comforts and conveniences that provides.

Ok so no they don’t! I never in a million years got the vibe my hubby was unhappy. Thought soul partners been through an awful lot together. Two teen kids. Sat he asked for a break and broke mine and the kids hearts. Today I asked how he was feeling when he called, he said basically no different and that if he made the decision today he would say that was it, but still needs time. I feel maybe it’s more as he is uncertain on how to approach things ie money, house etc. We are both very amicable people and it won’t get nasty. Question for you u happy non cheating hubby out there. I strongly belief he hasn’t cheated on me but he says I feel more like a best friend than a partner. After 18 years of marriage do you think this is enough of a reason to leave? Ie no arguing, no horribleness, got on fantastically so I thought, but has fallen out of love?

NatM1 - I suspect your relationship ending is how mine will end, I haven't cheated and have no intention of doing so. DW and I get on, we make a very good parenting team, generally have similar political and social views and rub along pretty well together. She and I operate primarily as friends and parents and we have a lot of shared history together.

But there is no partnership, there is none of the love or intimacy (not just sexual) that I would expect from such a partnership. We are friends and when DCs are older we will be flatmates/companions. I want more from a relationship, but she doesn't so I will be leaving. That is reason enough for me, and it will probably be around the same length of time as your marriage at that point. At some point I will be in a position to be able to acknowledge my unhappiness and act on it.

Keep it hidden. Thank you for your honesty and good to hear it from the other side. I have no doubt he isn’t cheating and just doesn’t love me any more. What I can’t get my head around it the sudden that’s it, no discussion. We were sexually active but I suppose I would have like more ie cuddles etc. Simply gutted didn’t see it coming

Of course not all men stay in unhappy marriages, but I suspect that in general it's the woman more than the man who decides to end it. I would suggest that it's mostly due to social conditioning - men are conditioned with a very narrow range of emotional awareness and expression: happy or angry, that's about it. Physical pain, emotional pain, distress, unhappiness... a real man is supposed to man up and tough it out. Men are far less likely than women to seek help for both physical ailments and emotional distress. It ends up costing lives through disease or suicide.

I worked in recruitment in the city in late 90s, after a while it seemed to be a bit like corporate escorting, paid to essentially be told to flirt with the senior guys and get their business , I had blokes ask you to sit on their knee etc. Moved on quite quickly!!