Do men generally stay in unhappy relationships?

[TeamRafael]

I've got friends in unhappy marriages and it's always the woman who has instigated separating. Apart from one friend, whose husband left her because he was having an affair. In all these marriages, both the husbands and wives were/are unhappy, and yet the men seemingly were just content to stay in the relationships regardless.

And then I read these boards and, apart from the current thread where the husband has left because his wife was texting an ex boyfriend, I can think of very few threads where men have left simply because the marriage is bad.

I'm in an unhappy relationship myself and I am fairly confidently that my husband would never suggest divorce. I know it's going to have to be me. I've posted on here before under different user names about things he's done to me, and have been told "OP he hates you", which I'd probably agree with, but even though he acts like he hates me, he wouldn't contemplate separating.

I don't get it - if a man hates his wife, or he's unhappy, why would he even want to stay with her??

This isn't meant to be a sweeping generalisation - I know it's not all men. But in my own narrow circle and what I've read over the years here, it does tend to be a bit of a theme.

Men only leave when they have someone else to go to

Really? You calling me a liar then @Justgivemesomepeace?

I lived with my ex for 10 years. The last 4 were sexless and I was unhappy. My ex was fine - she didn't want to have sex any more and that was that. I stuck it out for those 4 years and then left. In that time, I never cheated. I didn't have someone else lined up. I moved out of a three-bedroomed house into a one-bedroomed flat.

That was almost 9 years ago. I've been single ever since. So, no, we don't all have someone else to go to and it really pisses me off that automatically because some men are shits you assume all of us are.

I think sometimes (possibly often) men "hate" their wife when, deep down, they don't care to ever admit it, they know that what they "hate" is themselves. So even if they leave they still will be with themselves. And if you hate yourself it's much easier to stay with someone who you can blame for how you feel. that’s quite an interesting comment. My DP who is really Ex does blame me for a huge amount - blames me for not traveling, not living his life... all sorts.

The reality is I don’t stop him, and actively encourage. But as long as he’s with me he can martyr himself and look good to others. I really don’t know why looking good to others is more important than how I see him.

@shatners are you available for a date?!

Only half joking. I believe you. I would like to date more decent men!

I don't think that men only leave when they have someone else to go to!

I am in the early stages of divorce and I know that H would have probably stayed together for a few more miserable years.

I definitely had to instigate the split.

My ex DP instigated our separation and our DS and I moved out. He and I get on v well now. I've encountered a similar and very unhelpful attitude from my brother regarding how long he will pay maintenance & rent contributions which I found extremely upsetting. Not everyone is the same

I think men -

like to play the victim where possible,

don't have the balls to leave in case some other much more manlier man sweeps ex off her feet,

are worried they'd never get to see their kids,

are worried they'll lose out in a divorce/the house/have no money left after maintenance is taken/basically any monetary loss

Probably a bit of everything I didnt want to split with my ex wife and tried to fight for our marriage. I guess I was scared of being alone, not seeing my DC and losing out on money. Also my mental health suffered badly and I ended up in a place where I couldnt make decisions like that. She did make the decision and moved her new boyfriend in pretty much giving me no choice but to leave and yes I have no money or home, she doesnt let me see my DC because I have no home but in hindsight our relationship was toxic and she did me a huge favour.

My marriage isn't abusive, it's just not a romantic relationship so my perspective is from that angle.

If I could support two households I would be off, I would happily go for 50/50 residency, I have no issues with running a house and I know my work would be flexible enough to allow me to deal with the school run, doctors appointments, parents evenings etc.

But as I said before, I am the only wage earner, I live in SE England and simply cannot afford two support two homes, my wife has been a SAHM for approaching 10 years and would struggle to find a job to support one home in this area. When DCs came along she made it clear she wanted to be a SAHM until DCs where in secondary school (I accepted this, things were good then!). We'll see what happens in three years when that occurs.

The wifework, PA, sex on tap and an "easy life" arguments are not applicable in my case, it is purely about access to my kids. I'd be happy to take a financial hit, but if I'm an NRP with EOW access that would mean I would have precious little time with my children. I'm not willing to do that and I don't know many parents who would man or woman.

Interesting thread. I'd say kids are number one on the list, followed by public perception, then financial circumstance and the provision of cook, cleaner, childcare.

@tobee raises a very, very interesting point, many men whom indeed hate themselves do so pre-relationship and then transfer it, as a crutch, to their partner/wife. I believe true in gay, and polygamous open, relationships also.

I think sometimes (possibly often) men "hate" their wife when, deep down, they don't care to ever admit it, they know that what they "hate" is themselves. So even if they leave they still will be with themselves. And if you hate yourself it's much easier to stay with someone who you can blame for how you feel.

What an interesting thread. There was a post about a year ago on here from a man who was lonely in his marriage, he described them as being poles apart but couldn’t split as it would cause too much devastation to those they loved, it was therefore easier to keep going. I think he was looking for a friend in a similar situation.

It made me quite sad to read it, but it was quite insightful as to why I imagine lots of men stay in unhappy marriages.

I ldivorced because the relationship was emotionally dead, that didn't seem to bother him while he was still getting sex childcare housework etc and I think part of him thought it was a silly little phase I was going through and of course I would realise how wonderful he was . I spent years being upset and trying to fix things, didn’t matter to him because he got what he wanted out of it. Now I've gone he is very bitter and angry despite having a new gf

From what I've seen around me it is usually the woman who instigates leaving because she is unhappy emotionally.

I think that generally men make themselves available and women make choices. This is how the natural world is ordered and we are animals after all.

This is how we are generally when forming relationships and the same behaviour is generally displayed at the end where women are more likely than men to ‘de-select’.

@Redcampions

I'd love to hear what response they give if you are willing to tell us when they reply?

Speaking as a man going though this at the moment I stopped in the marriage for the kids well that work out well not 15 years of a loveless /sexless marriage ,a flat is all I have to show for it she has the house ,I didn't leave for anyone but I have found someone since life is on the up know not all men are the same some of us are good guys

I don't know really.

I think men get more out of a marriage.
I think most like the idea of having children but really aren't that interested in taking care of them. So many are working 10 - 12 hours a day or even working away from home for weeks at a time but worried a divorce is not going to allow them to see their children. They're not seeing them anyway if they work that much.

I don't think we like each other all that much. You ever notice when you see oldies groups, all the men are sitting together and all the women are sitting together? I don't see mixed group of seniors hanging out together.

I think we expect a lot from each gender. Women want the love and romance and men want sex on tap. So many times it starts off ok but it just fizzles out.

Most of the time I see men sticking around unhappy and it's ok because they spend a lot of time at work. Then quite a few will leave when they have someone else lined up.

Women seem to leave mostly because of abuse or infidelity.

Both my parents were really unhappy but neither left until my father had an affair. There are advantages and disadvantages to both for leaving- for most women it’s financial for men domestic stuff and kids. Not true in every case of course. Also inertia/sunk costs fallacy and so on.

I could never stay in such an unhappy relationship. It’s terrible for the kids and awful for the adults involved. Based on my experience it’s best to pull up big girl pants and leave. But I understand that others may have different experiences.

From my experience it was the fear of being alone and losing the creature comforts of another person cooking, cleaning, being company and sex.

When my exH told me he was unhappy and didn’t think he loved me anymore I straight away asked about counselling and he shot it down so within two weeks I left. Turns out he had another woman in his ear and while they weren’t “together” she was “counselling” him about our marriage to her own advantage.

A year after we separated I asked him if he loved her, he said no. I asked why he was with her then and he simply said “I didn’t like being alone”.

Depressing.

They’re married now and I feel sorry for her, I have no doubt he’ll do the same to her eventually.

I’m male , unhappy . I’m still in the marriage. Why? Because of my kids I won’t to be a art of their lives for along as possible. I’d also would probably only be able to afford of bed sit . Or go and live with my brother . I have two kids that need paying for , a mortgage . I don’t know how long I will or
Can stick it out . Maybe I’m scared , a coward. Worried what the future would hold for me . I don’t know why men stay . I only know why I do .
It’s a very interesting question.

A lot of men get their needs met in other ways. Work, hobbies, mates and affairs! It is unbelievable how many men have affairs without their wives having a clue. I worked in the City and it is absolutely rife. There are men who only go home at the weekend after spending all week in London and they are going on dates etc, Basically just trying to get women to sleep with them! They are openly on Tinder as they know they won’t be caught as 200 miles away. They don’t even try and hide it. It’s all one big laugh with their Alpha Male mates.

They don’t speak highly of their wives and stay because of their children mainly and because of their comfortable lives. Their wives basically facilitate the rest of it!

CJ3, I think I am that wife!

I am very, very unhappy and my DH knows this. He says he is fine but I think he is kidding himself that things are OK between us. He works in the city, doesn't live away but IMO acts like he is single. He works really long hours and travels a lot. Where we live is a commuter town and is good for schools etc. but it is pretty boring with nothing to do. He basically told me last night he wished he lived in central London as it is sooooo exciting and where we live is boring. He goes out quite a lot after work with his work mates. When he is at home he is always knackered and doesn't want to do anything with us and the DC. I feel like a single parent.

On one hand I worry that he will leave DC and I after an affair but then if I think that through I suddenly have a feeling of freedom and imagine what it would be like with someone else. I am confused as on one hand I'm scared he'll leave but on the other I think our marriage ending will ultimately be my decision and he will be shocked. I think my DH is very, very selfish.

I was miserable for years with increasing emotional and verbal abuse. He was also miserable but lashing out and taking it out on me. Even though he wrote me a letter in the summer before I left admitting he was an asshole etc and wouldnt blame me if I left, when I did he was shell shocked and didn't think I would do so.

2 years on I am much happier, but I was miserable with him for years (not the rest of my life, that was fine). Why didn't I leave him? I thought I loved him, didn't want to split up the family, worried about finances but most of all the fall out that would occur afterwards. It happened but I managed to try navigate it as best as I could. There was no one else, although I did start noticing that men do indeed treat their partners nicely, and I was missing out on a loving affectionate relationship. We had moments when we were happy, but on the whole it was a mismatched relationship and there was no balance or care about my needs. He just simply didn't "see" me anymore. He was so wrapped up in himself, and after kids, work, him, and everythig else I was way way down the list in terms of getting my needs met.

He would never have left me, because not only did I work and he didn't, I did most of the wife work type stuff, guided him as a parent and tolerated his fucked up family and views on life. He is totally lost without me. I don't even think if he decided to have an affair he would leave me, because he had it too good.

I think now its more common the woman leaving the man, because generally its easier to do so financialy than it was 50 years ago. 50 years ago most mums were stay at home parents and had finances controlled by the man. Now women are much more independent and a lot of women work AND do all the wife work, so if it feels harder being in a relationship than not, they can leave.

In my experience with my friends and family, its the woman leaving the man, and in most cases its because the women were just fed up with doing everything and taking shit at the same time. I only know a handful of people who left because of affairs, the wife or the husband (that I know of). My ex tried to jump straight into another relationship because he needs guidance and feels more secure when he has a woman looking after him. He has had several flings, and I can see he places so much importance on that. He hasn't learnt to be happy in himself yet.

Now I still do everything, but I also get some time alone and for myself when he has the kids, I never had a spare minute before because he didnt think I needed it or it was important. He even used to kick off if I went to the gym on my own for an hour. That was my only me time all week.

Anyway, the most important thing to me in the end was to have my autonomy back. I have that now, and for me that is more important than anything. I am now with an amazing guy, who respects my independece, looks after me, "sees" me in a way no man has ever done so and lets me assert my own autonomy. Not one where my needs came bottom. I cannot see myself living with another man in the future, I'm fine as I am with me and my boys.

Jet. I see it all the time in the City. Even taking the affairs out they are like single men who live the pub, their mates and their work more than anything. In their eyes their wives are just there to bring up the kids while they have this life! They actually think they deserve it due to the money they earn. It’s horrible to see and hear

CJ3, my DH is now 50 and although he is a good looking man with a good job I really do not think he is half the god's gift that he thinks he is. I wonder how he will feel if I leave him and take my 1/2 share of everything and the DC? I wonder if he'll still fancy himself as much.

He has admitted that he doesn't treat me well. Once when I was very unhappy 2 of his best friends told me he would be a f£king idiot to lose me. Apparently, I do have things going for me

Lots of different aspects on near and good to read. Slightly misplaced sounds like you have had a terrible time and although my shock has come out of the blue I agree my hubby is a good person and loves his kids. What I can’t get my head around is the sudden that’s it! Tell me he doesn’t feel the same anymore and will move out for a few weeks, yesterday said that his dad told him that he needs to sort himself out, get a flat sell his car etc and hubby said hang on there my head is all over the place and not looking at that and looking to see if the feelings come back. Today he is now at his friends where he will be staying and seems happier. This broke me! He has asked to see the kids Thursday and I have said of course and said I will go out for a couple of hours, he said oh you don’t have to I said but it’s the kids you want to see not me and he just said I don’t want to push you out own house. I am so so confused! One day think there maybe a chance he will come back the next feel gutted, shaky, tearful and not sure how to deal with the fact he may not. It’s hard as I didn’t think he was unhappy, he never spoke to me about it, we didn’t have a horrible relationship, he said he simply doesn’t think he loves me anymore, thought the I would be worth a bit of a fight