Do men generally stay in unhappy relationships?

[TeamRafael]

I've got friends in unhappy marriages and it's always the woman who has instigated separating. Apart from one friend, whose husband left her because he was having an affair. In all these marriages, both the husbands and wives were/are unhappy, and yet the men seemingly were just content to stay in the relationships regardless.

And then I read these boards and, apart from the current thread where the husband has left because his wife was texting an ex boyfriend, I can think of very few threads where men have left simply because the marriage is bad.

I'm in an unhappy relationship myself and I am fairly confidently that my husband would never suggest divorce. I know it's going to have to be me. I've posted on here before under different user names about things he's done to me, and have been told "OP he hates you", which I'd probably agree with, but even though he acts like he hates me, he wouldn't contemplate separating.

I don't get it - if a man hates his wife, or he's unhappy, why would he even want to stay with her??

This isn't meant to be a sweeping generalisation - I know it's not all men. But in my own narrow circle and what I've read over the years here, it does tend to be a bit of a theme.

Some men basically use their wives to prop to their career and life in general - free sex, free cleaner, cook etc. Whereas a woman would want to leave a marriage where it is all drudgery and no appreciation. If all the man brings to the relationship is money then the woman may not see this as enough to stay and do everything in the marriage. She may think I’d rather work for the money or claim benefits and not be abused/used/living with someone you hate.

Sorry if that was garbled.

Basically in these cases:

If the woman leaves, all she loses is a source of income. She gains freedom from a miserable situation and has fewer socks to launder.

If the man leaves he can be losing a cook, cleaner, PA, maybe sex, childcare, outward appearance as perfect husband/father, and has to keep on paying for wife/kids (which I agree they should)

Can only speak from personal opinion. My husband left because he said he had fallen out of love with me, no OW and had even text me that morning saying how much he loved me. We had only been married a year, together for 11 years prior to that. He hit 30 and decided he wanted to go and do the single thing.

Agree howdoyoukeep when you put it like that men have much more to lose from leaving a marriage in terms of housing, status, cook/cleaner/PA, never having to think about childcare (frankly plenty of men continue to never think about childcare once separated too).

I think sometimes (possibly often) men "hate" their wife when, deep down, they don't care to ever admit it, they know that what they "hate" is themselves. So even if they leave they still will be with themselves. And if you hate yourself it's much easier to stay with someone who you can blame for how you feel.

I know of two couples where this is definitely the case, and for the reasons noted up thread (financials, access to kids, potential impact on lifestyle and work etc, and being able to compartmentalise and pretend everything is fine, when actually they are pretty unhappy)... very interesting post.

From where I'm sitting, the women I know seem to be and seem to be encouraged to be much more independent and self sufficient (which goes against what we are supposed to "know" about men and women but there you are)

Backed up by stats a few years ago about how young women still leave home but young men stay

Most men I think prefer (need / really really want) to have someone to "look after them", someone in the house. Women seem to be happier to be by themselves.

I thikn that stats abotu health and relationships and also the sort of jokes you get that aren't really about single men and their living arrangements...

So men only leave when they have someone else as being by themselves is not something they are up for
Women will leave if they are unhappy

Of course this is all stereotypical and I'm sure plenty of arguments! This is what I've observed though.

Also makes me wonder if bad relationships feel much worse to the woman for some reason? PP mentioned women still do a lot of the work at home so having to do all that running around after someone you don't want to be with is shit, while he gets run around after even if it's someone he's gone off that's not the same at all.

Maximum carnage good to hear from the other side. Ok so my husband walked out sat night after saying he has lost his feeling for me and he told the kids he was moving out for a few weeks to see if that would change. Now most have said on here he has someone else, but really don’t think so. I am very shocked as I would not say we had an unhappy marriage I love him to pieces and we did pretty much everything together. I would say that we didn’t have much adult time but looking at it this is something we could work on as our kids are now 14 and 15. But I feel like my whole word has turned upside down, didn’t see it coming! He says he doesn’t love me any more. What made you u happy?

Oh we have been married nearly 18 years

Interesting thread. I concur with PPs that often men leave when they have another woman waiting in the wings, and women will leave when they aren’t happy. I think I read somewhere that most divorced men remarry but most women do not. So marriage does suit men in many ways. Also agree that thanks to ‘wifework’ many men have a comfortable home life and won’t risk losing being looked after unless something more exciting comes along.

I’mnotakutten agree my husband did say the old you have done nothing wrong and you treat me like a king I just don’t have the same feelings anymore. Gutted as I do. One hand I think it’s over and I feel lost as he told the kids and that’s a big thing as we both parent well. But this morning he called and said in the convo that his dad was off with him telling him to sort himself out sort a flat, sell his car etc. My husband response was omg my head is all over the place and not thinking of these things yet as doesn’t know whether the feelings will come back! Omg this was good to hear but also hard as I don’t want to be a door mat waiting but I want my family back

Sorry that was I notakitten typo

Also what do people class as unhappy? As we didn’t argue, didn’t things equally, were on the same page where the kids are concerned, still were sexually active just confused

@howdoyoukeepawaveuponthesand
"Some men basically use their wives to prop to their career and life in general - free sex, free cleaner, cook etc. "

I can understand being resentful about cleaning and cooking when he doesn't help out as well. But the "free sex" bit makes it sound like you regard a wife having sex with her husband as unpaid prostitution.

But anyhow, I think another reason why men stay in unhappy relationships is because they aren't as unhappy as their wives. Men might, in general, simply not notice things like lack of emotional intimacy as much. Its only when they find themselves falling for another women that they notice what they've been missing out on.

Men don’t leave for an empty bed. As my old mum would say.

Maybe but I have a job and a small business too and normally my hubby supports this entirely and when I hear him sp asking to others he always sounds so proud this is why it doesn’t make sense. I think it’s the not knowing but I need to give time for him to think things over. I am not making contact unless he does first not going to look needy

There is a lot to be said about having a person to have sex with.

Men fear not having someone to have sex with as much as women fear being lonely.

Women will stay in unhappy relationships because they don't want to be lonely.
Men will stay in unhappy relationships because there is always some possibility of sex.
Sometimes its better with the devil you know.

Wow I would hope that after 18 years of marriage it wasn’t all about the sex!

Money
Kids

Those are reasons they stay and they are able to compartmentalise better, so feel less guilt about having affairs.

Men are still the higher earners in the majority of relationships...so the financial hit scares them.

Yet its the same reason women also stay.

Kids I agree with I think in this case it is upsetting the family unit as we are/or thought were were close. Kids are very upset, husband sounds unsure over the phone but sounded sure when he told me.

Unfortunately my ex wasn't in to sex so he certainly wasn't staying for that.

Appreciate that my example is an anomaly though. Still fucks with my head tbh

I was desperately unhappy and planning to leave my DH when he died. Now I live with that guilt

Some typically misandrist comments on here.

I can only really comment from my perspective, and the friends I know who have been through this. Like women, the reasons why men stay are complicated and varied. Generally, I think men are conditioned and socialised to be "fixers" - we're supposed to problem solvers, and we're supposed to be able to fix things. That was a large part of why I stayed in a terrible marriage - she did some truly awful things, but I took my vows very seriously. I wanted to make things work. I kept believing that there was a magic bullet out there that would put everything right again - I just had to find it. Try a bit harder. That's a powerful force for men, and it's part of our social conditioning. We all know there are assholes out there who walk away too easily, and none of us wants to be that guy.

The money was important, too. I knew I was going to get absolutely hammered financially (and when I finally walked away, I did). That's scary before you do it. Afterwards, you can appreciate the quote that "whoever said money can't buy happiness never got a divorce".

But the biggest reason was the kids. None of us - male or female - wants to be the reason why our kids come from a "broken home" (horrible, bullshit term - but one that looms large when you have the toughest decision to make). We all know that divorce can have long lasting repercussions for our kids. We have all heard the horror stories about loving dads reduced to every other weekend and one night in the week, and that fear is huge, because no real dad would ever be okay with that. We can read that 50/50 is becoming the norm, but you're always terrified that you'll get the old fashioned judge who believes that "children need their mum". That's a powerful motivator to deal with your own unhappiness, because your kids are more important.

I know a few guys who have been through this - several of whom (including me) were in abusive marriages. We all went through a similar process. Similar fears. None of us had someone new waiting in the wings when we eventually left. In fact, every one of us waited far longer than our exes before even thinking of dating again.

People are complicated. I know this sort of thread on Mumsnet invites a descent into man-bashing, but the sooner you understand that we're really not so different to you, the sooner we can put all this war of the sexes bullshit behind us.

slightly I'm sorry you went through that. I am encouraged to read your assertions that we're all more similar than we realise.

Ending a marriage is excruciating. Even when it's abusive and one is better off out of it.

the sooner you understand that we're really not so different to you

Yes, you are right. That's why 50% of the deadbeat parents who don't pay child support or see their kids are women. And 50% of dv is commited by women. Oh wait.

I think the reason is that a lot of men don't care if they have emotional intimacy in their relationship. So it doesn't bother them as much if there is no companionship, as long as it's an easy life. Moving out and doing their own cooking, laundry and looking after kids on their own would be way to much hassle.

Many men would happily be in a relationship where the women didn't even speak the same language. So long as she cooks, cleans and offers sex that's all they want.

Less than women I think. My DP, we’ve separated, he won’t leave the house and I can’t.

His last marriage, he was unhappy / mismatched even when they walked down the aisle he said! 15 years later, he left. He never admitted it but I think there was a woman from work that he knew would be an option, they got together shortly afterwards.

My Dad left my Mum, but with someone he was having an affair with.
My step Dad left his wife, and I think he genuinely did respectfully leave as he was unhappy. So that’s one!