Do men generally stay in unhappy relationships?

[TeamRafael]

I've got friends in unhappy marriages and it's always the woman who has instigated separating. Apart from one friend, whose husband left her because he was having an affair. In all these marriages, both the husbands and wives were/are unhappy, and yet the men seemingly were just content to stay in the relationships regardless.

And then I read these boards and, apart from the current thread where the husband has left because his wife was texting an ex boyfriend, I can think of very few threads where men have left simply because the marriage is bad.

I'm in an unhappy relationship myself and I am fairly confidently that my husband would never suggest divorce. I know it's going to have to be me. I've posted on here before under different user names about things he's done to me, and have been told "OP he hates you", which I'd probably agree with, but even though he acts like he hates me, he wouldn't contemplate separating.

I don't get it - if a man hates his wife, or he's unhappy, why would he even want to stay with her??

This isn't meant to be a sweeping generalisation - I know it's not all men. But in my own narrow circle and what I've read over the years here, it does tend to be a bit of a theme.

I think this is a really interesting question, particularly as it's often the woman who has more to lose financially by leaving. My best friend has been miserable in her marriage for years (no dc) but won't leave because without her dh's financial support she'd end up house-sharing or living in a bedsit!

Unless it's because men think they're going to get "taken to the cleaners" in a divorce

Men don't usually leave until they are given are reason to.. i.e they have someone to leave for

Well I am going to buck the percieved trend. I was unhappy in my marriage. I tried everything I could to save it, she didn't want to know so I left. Also, I didn't have an affair or a lady in the wings to take me in. So yes, men can leave unhappy relationships/marriages.

I wonder if women generally have better emotional support to leave in as much as they talk to friends who tell them it's ok to end it? Perhaps men are more likely to stick their head in the sand or they want to carry on living in the same house as their DC (again more likely that DC will remain with their Mums)?

Men generally line up their next victim before leaving, and in the case of a married man with shared finances, house and DC, he will be considerably worse off financially, restricted in seeing his DC (but also required to look after them alone for unbroken periods, which he quite probably hasn't done much of) and be partly responsible for a lot of things he otherwise wouldn't eg childcare on sick days. I found very cynical, but that's a pretty educated opinion, formed from personal experience.

Men only leave when they have someone else to go to.

Men normally have the most financially to lose and seem incapable of going it a lone per se. The next woman will be typically lined up

Yep, I'd lose my kids I'd end up supporting a wife who doesn't do paid work and only be able to afford a house share. It'd be me being the NRP. It's selfish, but I want to be part of my DCs lives. its the reason I don't leave my unhappy marriage. When the DCs are older though...

I left my H. Discovered after he’s hated me for the 10 years previously. That’s some staying power.

my ex would never have ended our marriage despite the fact he struggled with it and chose to treat me badly. he was a coward and wanted me to pull the plug so that he could be the injured party.

yes he doesn't get to see his kids all the time but neither do i

From my circle the guys i know in unhappy marriages are staying for the kids.(I don't know how they manage to live that way - i had a nervous breakdown living in such a pressured environment.)

I think if the couple are married and have kids and a mortgage then the man often has more to lose financially in the situation and will usually also be the one who has to move out

I have read some statistics on this and will try to find them. The headline information was that Women tend toward leaving relationships purely on the basis that they are unhappy and Men tend toward only leaving when presented with a viable alternative.

Men are socialised to compartmentalise and repress difficult feelings. Women (generally) don’t do this as well - so miserable marriage becomes miserable life and it gets too much too fast?

I had an ex (together for 7 years) who told me he deliberately treated me badly so I would break up with him

keep spousal maintenance isn't encouraged so much anymore. courts prefer close to 50/50 but i can completely understand your pov.

i know another couple - she;s shagging all round her and wont leave her husband and is totally miserable. she's staying for the lifestyle. maybe he knows this and is content not to rock the boat by ending things.

My observations are similar to yours OP, I have male friends who complain about their relationships/marriages. They don't seem to be the ones instigating the break up, ever. In my own life I've been the one to leave longer term relationships when they've turned sour. Short term things seem easier for a man to leave, however I do think there's an element of laziness involved when there's the prospect of moving house etc. Of course there are exceptions but as a trend I think women are more proactive in this respect.

I think people of both sexes tend to stay.

I guess a mixture of the sunk costs fallacy and of not being sure they'll be happier out of it. An affair might end up being a catalyst as the person realises they can be happier outside the relationship.

I guess as well if they are children involved the perceived reality is that men don't get to live with their children after a split so they might be unwilling to leave their children while women don't worry about this so much.

Agree with others, men tend to stay until they have things lined up to leave. Plus if kids involved they don't want to not see their kids full time or move out of a nice family home.

I've found that men who then go onto to have an affair will then find a way to keep both things going. They get the "attention" they crave and still get to live at home.

That’s interesting re the compartmentalising.

Plus the men benefit from the Wifework so things feels comfier for them..

The perceived wisdom is that men leave for another women and women leave because they are unhappy. Of course, there are outliers.

I am one who left because it wasn't good enough, so I am bearing that out.

However, my observations are that my STBX will struggle socially as our network is built around me and the friends I have made. In fact, I have even organised his Easter break with the kids to old friends.

His fear of being lonely and needing to start again will be realised to some extent.

My fear was financial, but in the end that didn't stop me as I was done. But I have an excellent support network and have kept my skills up to date with contract work. So, while my standard of living will drop, I will be more than OK.

I think there are a few reasons;

Many men will be worried about what they will loose financially and in terms of not seeing their dc

There's a stigma about "abandoning a woman (and children)" which would mean that they wait for the woman to leave or behave in a way which pushes her to be the one to end it

They like the comfort of a nice clean tidy house, food prepared for them, the grocery shopping done etc (in relationships where that is applicable)

A lot of separated men I know of have seemed keen to find a new partner asap. Despite putting across the idea that they want to be free agents, it seems like a lot of men don't want to be on their own at all

The tendency seems to be for women to leave because they are unhappy and men to leave because they've found someone else. That's of course in situations where there hasn't been something extreme which has caused the marriage to end eg DV, drug use, hidden debt etc

There also seems to be a twisted sense of loyalty where men are unhappy, but rather than leave, they have an affair and find their happiness there.

These are huge generalisations but patterns which I've noticed over a long time and from talking to my dad about why he had an affair and wouldn't leave when he was very unhappy

Thanks everyone. Interesting.

One of my friends has a theory that men are generally brought up observing their mums "looking after" their dads. And so they take an element of that expectation into their own adult lives - that they don't ever really imagine or consider a life on their own as an option; they subconsciously expect that household admin/wifework to be done for them, no matter how bad the relationship is.

... Which might explain that observation of men tending to jump into new relationships very quickly whereas women tend to be happy to be in their own.