drinking all weekend every weekend.

[tma1968]

ive been with my DH for almost 17 years. he was a drinker when i met him and thats never changed. we both like a drink so im not claiming to be teetotal or anything but i drink when i feel the urge not because its the weekend. we have a great life and want for nothing. he works hard and so his way of rewarding himself for working hard all week is to drink lager all weekend. it will start friday normally (sometimes thursday if the rugby is on) as soon as he comes home so say 5pm. he will buy 8 pint cans (it used to be the smaller cans but he's swapped now to the bigger ones) but will probably not drink them all as hes tired from work and will fall asleep on the couch. on saturday he will buy 8 more and drink those as well as the others left over from the night before, he always starts at 2pm and will usually fall asleep on the couch again. on sunday he will buy 8 more and start them at 2pm and drink all those. he might slur his words a bit after 6/7 cans but he isnt aggressive or a nuisance, he's fine. if i want us to go somewhere he will hold off till we get home but i always have to drive if theres drink available. we cant go for a day out with our 2 kids without him having a drink even if its just one. he can never just have a coke. he never ever doesnt drink on one of the days at the weekend and only doesnt drink every night of the week because i wont let him. i absolutely draw the line there. if we have a night out and he's hungover ive known him to have hair of the dog at 11am. and on all inclusive holidays he drinks 12 hours a day for 14 days solid. we have had more than one argument about this but he doesnt think that he's doing anything wrong and besides the amount he's pouring down his neck he doesnt do anything wrong. he can do dry january no problem and i know he could stop if he wanted to he just doesnt want to. so my question is am i just being a nag? is his drinking excessive? am i wrong to expect him to change when he was always a drinker in the beginning? the noise of the can opening makes my flesh crawl. is he an alcoholic or just a creature of habit?

I haven’t read the whole thread but will. A couple of quick things occur to me and this is an issue I’m currently working up to tackling with my dp. I’m Alcohol free right now and he is cheering me on so much but continues to drink every day. So...

Your dp is topping up - he is never clear of alcohol.
The kids will notice- they get a distortion of his true self.
Annie Grace is great and might appeal as her approach is very science based as well as practical. You can get her stuff as audio books or the alcohol experiment is 30 days of videos- he does not have to be alcohol free to register for the experiment and it’s completely free. Her podcasts are also good.
His health is ok now you say but at his age it can fall off very quickly. I have lots of older friends and it’s really common.
He can change this - he might need a few run ups.
My heart goes out to you all - it’s not easy and alcohol is everywhere and let’s face it, it works!

@attilathemeerkat i ask myself the same question often. i suppose compared to some of my friends my H is a saint. never misses work, good provider, nice house, cars, foreign holidays, good social circle. there are lots of positives honestly! i think im just going to sit down and explain to him how i feel about the whole situation and see what he says. i think he knows he drinks too much. i dont think he sees it as an issue though. as people have said on here he loves drinking and wont want to give it up. what i have to decide is whether im prepared to go along with it or not. im going to see a friend in a bit. she is a nursery manager and what she doesnt know about children and how their minds work isnt worth knowing. her ex is a drug and alcohol abuser too so nothing she doesnt know about that, also shes known my H all his life and me 25 years. she will tell me the truth no holds barred. i'll be on later with the update lol

My ex was very successful, did a degree and still drank to excess, he set aside days when he never touched it.

Problem is as time goes on his ability to handle it will lessen and his drunken-ness will become more apparent, whilst your children are growing, your own patience will eventually run out.

Not sure either of you are ready to actually tackle this and that's fine, but the day will come I think when you truly have had enough.

I've never understood the guys who didn't give it up and subsequently lost wives and children; can only assume it had such a grip it was just impossible.

To me he is a habitual drinker, he enjoys it and over time your resistance to the alcohol
Builds up so the alcohol doesn’t hit you ( been there was drinking most days of the week when I worked in a bar as a teenager and early 20’s got worried I was an alcoholic ... so got a different job turns out I love a drink but am not an alcoholic I am happy with one drinks and I still as a 35 year old mother enjoy one glass of wine on a Friday and one a Saturday but that’s it no more and sometimes i may pick a bar ( large one of those ) of chocolate instead ... it’s the indulgence that I enjoy and the pamper for me.

have you discussed with him about your concerns with his drinking? Does it make you cringe because of health or is it affecting your relationship or time with the kids or plans more than you admit?

Are you resentful that you are not doing certain things to fit in with his habit? If so stop fitting in with his habit ... see what happens you may be enabling / putting barriers for activities in that are not there ... he sounds similar to the 20 year old me in a bit of a drinking rut, who just needs to change his routine and habits a little

Alcoholic doesn't necessarily mean bad person.

Sounds like he works hard and drinking is how he likes to relax. Sadly, it appears that's all he does.

It sounds like you love him and don't want to leave him, but you have created this thread for a reason. Think about why and tell him this.

I personally wouldn't can't to be around condone drinking every weekend, all day, but I was a bug drinker in the past (teetotal 8 years now) and do know that people can get into bad habits with drinking.

His liver tests may be fine now. A few years of this and they may reveal a very different story.

I hope you make some breakthroughs and he takes on board what you say.

I personally wouldn't be able to be around someone drinking all weekend*

how much though do your lives revolve around making it easier for him to drink - how much do the kids things sometimes get overlooked or moved because he is drinking

and I think you are both massively underestimating the harm - I cannot believe his liver function is still normal

@quartz2208 he would never make us miss something so he could drink, its more subtle than that. its more a case of 'right all the jobs are done, ive taken the kids the park, ive washed the car, ive done whatever errands you want me to run and now its relax time' and for him theres no other way to relax than drinking cans. he can actually live without a drink he just chooses not to. he cant take it or leave it. its a habit. its friday so that means cans. he doesnt see the harm. mostly its 24 cans (3x8) but occasionally its 32 (4x8) and to be fair occasionally theres 2 left over on a sunday although he may well drink them monday lol.

Please go to Al Anon op, you will get a lot of help and support there.

If i want us to go somewhere he will hold off till we get home but i always have to drive if theres drink available. we cant go for a day out with our 2 kids without him having a drink even if its just one

What about him, does he not ever want to take his family out?

That's not normal OP, either is getting up with a hangover and having a drink at 11am; you also say he doesn't drink during the week because you won't let him, what would happen if you were not there to Police him, perhaps you need to let him try that and piss off for a month with your kids if you can; none of this is normal or healthy.

OP
Do your children invite friends over at the weekend ?
Are they embarrassed by their dad's drinking habit?
If not they probably will be in time.
He's not a great role model, every Saturday sitting in front of the telly scoffing can after can of beer. It's not the norm.
You say his liver is fine.
Really ?
A doctor has done a blood test and his liver is fine ?
Would mention of the risk of dementia / Alzheimer's make him sit up and take notice. Are his family nearby? Do they notice? Or care?
You are working around his problem, filling in for him when he can't, because of his drinking.
You are facilitating him so your children don't suffer. Like countless millions of women before you.

You already know the answer. He's an alchoholic. A high functioning one - at the moment, but an alchoholic all the same. An alchoholic is someone who cannot control their drinking. If he drinks all the time on holiday, then he is NOT controlling it. If he can give up for a short period, but not cut down, then he is NOT in control of his drinking.

He may be fine health wise currently, but this will not last. he may be functioning currently, but this won't last either. It will only take a small life emergency to tip him over the edge. You need to be prepared.

Suggest you talk to AlAnon for advice.

Keep educating yourself on problem drinking OP - don’t worry at this moment about trying to control or cure him. You have been doing that for years to no avail. Al anon will help and guide you and PP have pointed to other resources as well.

You will eventually be shocked to see your own role in enabling and supporting his habit - not consciously obviously but subtly - why do you go on all inclusive holidays? why do you do the driving after 2pm? How else are your daily/weekly routines adapted to absorb his drinking?

You think he doesn’t appear pissed but this is a boiling the frog situation - you are just used to his quiet drunk ways. Others including his children see, experience and can call out slow, withdrawn, unmotivated and unconnected parent. You say this is how his own DF was - so maybe it is not the drink. This is just YOUR denial talking.

Your children have had a substandard childhood - that’s not good enough - they deserve better.

You are also complicit in excusing him and minimising his habit. You started the thread saying he is set in a routine and drinks 8 cans on a Fri and Sat only and can stop anytime because he always does dry Jan. But it appears he didn’t do dry Jan this year, the small cans are now pints, the Sat and Sun can expand to Thurs, Sun and Mon and he is up to 32 cans.

The 2pm becomes 11am If he has been out the night before, he starts at breakfast on holiday and will drink for 14 days straight through - this also happens at Christmas - and no doubt at bank holidays.

You have repeatedly said doesn’t touch spirits in the house as if that deserves a round of applause. Issues are related to the number of alcohol units metabolised - doesn’t matter if they come from moonshine or alco-pops.