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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

drinking all weekend every weekend.

113 replies

tma1968 · 17/02/2019 22:20

ive been with my DH for almost 17 years. he was a drinker when i met him and thats never changed. we both like a drink so im not claiming to be teetotal or anything but i drink when i feel the urge not because its the weekend. we have a great life and want for nothing. he works hard and so his way of rewarding himself for working hard all week is to drink lager all weekend. it will start friday normally (sometimes thursday if the rugby is on) as soon as he comes home so say 5pm. he will buy 8 pint cans (it used to be the smaller cans but he's swapped now to the bigger ones) but will probably not drink them all as hes tired from work and will fall asleep on the couch. on saturday he will buy 8 more and drink those as well as the others left over from the night before, he always starts at 2pm and will usually fall asleep on the couch again. on sunday he will buy 8 more and start them at 2pm and drink all those. he might slur his words a bit after 6/7 cans but he isnt aggressive or a nuisance, he's fine. if i want us to go somewhere he will hold off till we get home but i always have to drive if theres drink available. we cant go for a day out with our 2 kids without him having a drink even if its just one. he can never just have a coke. he never ever doesnt drink on one of the days at the weekend and only doesnt drink every night of the week because i wont let him. i absolutely draw the line there. if we have a night out and he's hungover ive known him to have hair of the dog at 11am. and on all inclusive holidays he drinks 12 hours a day for 14 days solid. we have had more than one argument about this but he doesnt think that he's doing anything wrong and besides the amount he's pouring down his neck he doesnt do anything wrong. he can do dry january no problem and i know he could stop if he wanted to he just doesnt want to. so my question is am i just being a nag? is his drinking excessive? am i wrong to expect him to change when he was always a drinker in the beginning? the noise of the can opening makes my flesh crawl. is he an alcoholic or just a creature of habit?

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 18/02/2019 23:04

Has he had blood tests? I would also suggest he has a scan as that will highlight any issues to all of his organs.

He is an alcoholic as he can't stop, he pretends he has control but he doesn't.
What is his job? I suspect that is why he doesn't drink during the week, rather than your feelings.

Original poster
tma1968 · 19/02/2019 00:08

@lifebegins50 hes had slightly high blood pressure in the past but nothing serious. hes a builder and the majority of them drink to excess. they do get drink and drug tested randomly but they sneak fake samples in so thats not an issue. he doesnt drink because ive told him i'll leave him. he loves us despite the drinking and doesnt want us to break up. he thinks by abstaining during the week he is doing his bit and has earned the weekends drinking binge and i shouldnt complain because hes not drinking every day. having just read about codependency ive realised im actually helping him to continue drinking. omg its getting worse! as far as i can see he's a high functioning alcoholic and im his codependant! .... shoot me :-(

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 19/02/2019 00:23

Are you absolutely certain he doesn’t drink in the week? If he can drink so much at weekends without getting drunk, I’d be wondering if actually he had a couple of cans every day during the week too.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/02/2019 00:30

Oh OP this must be so hard for you Flowers

Hopefully you can get some help and support from Al-anon.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 00:48

They won’t all drink like him he’s told you that to normalise what he’s doing my partner works in construction and the guys drinking to that extent are usually single or have been dumped due to their love of booze.

It’s not your fault and you have nothing to do with him choosing to get whasted every weekend so don’t put yourself in the same state he’s in,it’s his issue not yours

Smotheroffive · 19/02/2019 03:42

You need to know you are not to blame for his drinking, and therein lies the problem of the codependency model. As from what I've seen of yours and pretty much everyone I've known there's absolutely bugger all you can do, despite your desperate wish for it to stop. That makes you absolutely not to blame, you don't make him drink and you have no control to stop him, so please don't blame yourself in any way. It's bad enough, without you giving yourself a hard time.

You need support yourself. Flowers

Prettyvase · 19/02/2019 05:42

If you have DC you need them to have a good male role model in their lives.

Do you honestly believe that your family weekend downtime is happy and healthy for your dc when their dad is opening one can after another instead of engaging properly with them?!

Your standards for family life are very low.

another20 · 19/02/2019 08:43

Not all alcoholics are pissing their pants on a park bench or violently smashing up their home. Many are just nicely anaestnetisted in their own selfish bubble, not connected or shouldering their responsibilities to their relationships or children.

Your DH is not a good Dad. He is not “present” - he is not fully attuned to or able to respond appropriately to his children’s physical ot emotional needs. This is neglect.

They are not his priority. On top of this their mother is prevented from also being attuned to their emotional needs as she is distracted, preoccupied and frustrated with his drinking. So this drains, exhausts and depresses her. She is also shouldering the mental and physical load of running the family as he has abdicated his responsibilities and then creates extra issues to work around and add to the load.

Your children have both parents consumed by the drink problem - so there is less of your finite emotional energy left for them - and this is not enough for them to grow up emotionally healthy. Take a look at the website Adult Children of Alcoholics - this will tell you how their emotional lives will pan out.

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 19/02/2019 08:44

I was with a guy like that once.
I'm not anymore.....

ShatnersWig · 19/02/2019 08:47

they do get drink and drug tested randomly but they sneak fake samples in so thats not an issue

I'd say that's a pretty fucking big issue, personally

feministwithtitsin · 19/02/2019 09:30

PP are right, you don't need to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. Alcoholic is an unhelpful term sometimes, what we picture in our heads are people who have nothing in their life but alcohol (drinking tenants super on a park bench). Obviously that is not the case.

Your husband is alcohol dependant. In that he drinks alcohol to get him through the week, to relieve stress, to escape or ignore responsibilities or any other reason. He uses alcohol in an unhealthy way. It will impact his relationships (already is), his health, his work (faking tests etc). He has an alcohol problem.

But you know all of this already, just another voice agreeing with you Flowers

IRanSoFarAway · 19/02/2019 10:18

OP I agree your H has an alcohol dependency. It will be affecting the children, the starting drinking at 2pm is not normal. It's affecting you as you are left to deal with the children.

My father and his brother were regular heavy drinkers. They probably didn't drink much during the week as they always worked but every weekend they drank. Growing up it seemed "normal". My uncle died of complications from alcoholic liver disease not long after he retired. My father now has a degenerative neurological disorder and needs 24 hour care. As far as I know it's not alcohol related but who knows. My mother used to nag at him all the time to stop going to the pub but he didn't listen, they had a poor relationship anyway. She went to Al anon which seemed to help her.

I understand using alcohol as a way to relax as I sometimes have a couple of glasses of wine after a stressful day. I wouldn't start drinking at 2pm every weekend though.

There was an interesting programme on recently with Adrian Chiles about his drinking. I can't remember exactly but think he was drinking around 60 units per week. He got tests that showed his liver was being affected. Interestingly, he also said he suffered from depression and was on anti-depressants - which was probably exacerbated by his drinking.

OP hope things improve for you and the children.

Morgan12 · 19/02/2019 10:37

Kids do notice stuff like this. I think it will bother them to some degree. Especially if they are round friends houses where the Dad doesn't drink all weekend.

Tell him to put his kids first. Because I don't think he is.

babba2014 · 19/02/2019 11:20

So he works hard all week just to drink it away on the weekend? What kind of life is this? Perhaps go for a simpler lifestyle and cut down hours so you can enjoy the world and its nature (this message is for the husbands, not the posters here).
Get out of the rat race and find a real hobby, something to connect to rather than spend the week opening a van2 and another and another. Sounds depressing.

goose1964 · 19/02/2019 12:24

This is so like my DH, it took a heart attack to change him. He still drinks but has reduced his consumption considerably. I've tried talking about it but he says he likes beer and doesn't like soft drinks. My major worry is that he could have liver problems but refuses to have a blood test as he is needle phobic. So it seems unlikely you will get your DH to change as it just becomes part of their lives.
The heart attack was nothing to do with the drink but a heart defect

Original poster
tma1968 · 19/02/2019 14:19

@shatnerswig im not implying drug and drink testing isnt a much needed programme because i absolutely believe it is, im saying none of them worry about their alcohol levels because they are able to cheat it. in fairness to him hes always taken his tests himself and passed them. he is always in bed by 10 on a work night so any alcohol would be gone by time testing takes place.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/02/2019 14:23

I'd love to know what tests they are using, my partner has never heard of one that works, esp for alcohol.

So, that's basically the reason he doesn't drink through the week, he'd probably lose his job.

Instead, he drinks like a fish at the weekends.

Original poster
tma1968 · 19/02/2019 14:36

@babba2014 we do lots of things as a family and if we are out at 2pm he wont drink till later on. we have a caravan and go away a lot at weekends. our son plays football and our daughter dances both of which we attend and support. we do the garden, we walk to the park and have coffee and cake etc, we are an average family in every respect besides his compulsion to drink every moment he has free at the weekend. it was 32 pint cans between thursday and sunday last week which just disgusted me if im honest. hes a high functioning alcohol addict. he doesnt become aggressive, loud, silly or any of the other things you would expect to see. hes perfectly normal. he doesnt drink everything we have in the house either. once his 8 cans are gone he goes to sleep. what can i say to him he's doing wrong? he causes no problems at all. the only thing i can say is its not a good message to send to our kids. thats basically all i can call him out on. its so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
tma1968 · 19/02/2019 14:38

@adora10 maybe its just drug testing then, i dont know, all i know is they use a urine sample.

OP posts:
Original poster
tma1968 · 19/02/2019 14:47

@morgan12 yes i can see my daughter notices the difference in her dad and her best friends dad. he's a real 'doer' takes them swimming and on bike rides etc. my husband doesnt but neither did his dad and hes not a drinker. i think thats just sheer laziness! obviously i realise alcohol makes you sluggish and lacking in motivation so thats probably a factor. they dont miss out though because i make sure they dont. they are always out doing something. i say to her ask dad to take you and she just says 'he'll say no'. not sure thats a drink thing or just he cant be bothered.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 19/02/2019 14:53

Yes I'd imagine the urine is to dodge the drug test, having said that a swab across their forehead picks up drugs too, esp cannabis. I think a lot of drinkers stop around 10pm through the week because, one, they could be over the limit driving as up early and two, they'd lose their jobs.

Just because he is not violent and aggressive doesn't mean it's ok OP, first, his health must be fucked or getting that way, the amount of guys I know like him who die early is scary. I know you don't mean to minimise but that's how it's coming across.

Secondly, he is still inebriated so not himself, not safe and not functioning properly, everything will be slowed down.

32 cans in four days is horrific. He won't appear drunk because he is just topping up, there's probably alcohol in his system most of the time.

Adora10 · 19/02/2019 14:54

He doesn't take her because he'd rather spend his time off drinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2019 15:01

Re a comment that Adora made:-

"32 cans in four days is horrific. He won't appear drunk because he is just topping up, there's probably alcohol in his system most of the time".

Indeed, he is probably never actually fully sober and is always on a comedown from alcohol.

I have to ask you tma what you are still getting out of this relationship. You are getting something still from it otherwise why are you still there with your children also being subjected to this too. You cannot and must not use your kids as a reason to stay. They could all too easily become alcoholics or just as likely pick alcoholics as partners themselves.

Alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing and you're as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. You are in its grip too and you really do need to get off the merry go around.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/02/2019 15:05

You can only help your own self tma in the end along with your children. Talking to him at all about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean.

You have a choice re this man also; they do not and they have to follow your lead.