drinking all weekend every weekend.

[tma1968]

ive been with my DH for almost 17 years. he was a drinker when i met him and thats never changed. we both like a drink so im not claiming to be teetotal or anything but i drink when i feel the urge not because its the weekend. we have a great life and want for nothing. he works hard and so his way of rewarding himself for working hard all week is to drink lager all weekend. it will start friday normally (sometimes thursday if the rugby is on) as soon as he comes home so say 5pm. he will buy 8 pint cans (it used to be the smaller cans but he's swapped now to the bigger ones) but will probably not drink them all as hes tired from work and will fall asleep on the couch. on saturday he will buy 8 more and drink those as well as the others left over from the night before, he always starts at 2pm and will usually fall asleep on the couch again. on sunday he will buy 8 more and start them at 2pm and drink all those. he might slur his words a bit after 6/7 cans but he isnt aggressive or a nuisance, he's fine. if i want us to go somewhere he will hold off till we get home but i always have to drive if theres drink available. we cant go for a day out with our 2 kids without him having a drink even if its just one. he can never just have a coke. he never ever doesnt drink on one of the days at the weekend and only doesnt drink every night of the week because i wont let him. i absolutely draw the line there. if we have a night out and he's hungover ive known him to have hair of the dog at 11am. and on all inclusive holidays he drinks 12 hours a day for 14 days solid. we have had more than one argument about this but he doesnt think that he's doing anything wrong and besides the amount he's pouring down his neck he doesnt do anything wrong. he can do dry january no problem and i know he could stop if he wanted to he just doesnt want to. so my question is am i just being a nag? is his drinking excessive? am i wrong to expect him to change when he was always a drinker in the beginning? the noise of the can opening makes my flesh crawl. is he an alcoholic or just a creature of habit?

He could be out in the pub, or locked in the room watching porn, or gambling all your money, or drinking expensive wine or spirits and thrashing your finances! Don't heed all the people who are baying for his blood!

I hope when you have been on holiday he has never supervised DC in the pool

You don’t have to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

Alcoholics will often do things like dry January just to prove they can ‘stop’

For alcoholics it’s easier for them to abstain on a day completely than to just have one drink - once they start they keep going.

Alcoholics will put drinking above other activities - the drinking time is the priority.

I’m saying all of this as an alcoholic currently sober and in recovery. I’m not saying your husband is an alcoholic but I just wanted to point out some common misconceptions. I’m sorry that you are struggling with your husband and alcohol. It’s a horrible drug and a horrible disease and when it takes hold it make people make horrible choices and behave in horrible ways.

sex life is ok, like any other couple who've been together 17 years! no it doesnt bother him that i hate his drinking. if it did he would stop. he does help with the kids at weekends but only up till 2! i have to drive then. but to be fair if i asked him to do something after 2 he would, thing is im so used to it i dont ask! i assume he cant and make other arrangements. also if we are going out in the evening he wont start drinking at 2 but only because he knows i'd kill him!

So he is only a dad until 2pm at the weekends. Does he seriously think that this will not impact your DC? Do they not see their friends' dads doing things with them in the afternoon and then wish their dad might do something similar, instead of putting alcohol as a higher priority.

Also I assume it means you are always on duty too at the weekend and can't go off and do your own thing as he does. Does he not see that this isn't fair?

Until he admits to himself that he has a problem then he will not change. In the meantime you can educate yourself on your options. Is there an Al-Anon group near you ?

What age is he?

This post could have described my dad and his drinking at that stage in my life. 15 years later he was dead as a result of mass organ failure caused my cirrhosis of the liver. He's not even remotely in charge of his drinking. It's expensive and it's taking him away from your family every single weekend. And every holiday. And it will get more frequent. And eventually your kids will see it for what it is. Are you ready for them to ask you why you never tackled it when they're old enough to ask? Because they will.

Another one here who thinks he has a problem with drinking. Doesn’t really matter if you choose to use the word alcoholic or not - he is dependent on it. And the percentage of his life that it’s gobbling up is depressing. Not just the time he is drinking but the time wasted thinking about when he is going to be able to drink. I feel for you, and for him too because he’s clearly got to a point where he thinks that’s the only way he can have ‘fun’. Also he’s undoubtedly doing damage to his body. I second encouraging him to listen to the Annie Grace podcasts or putting one of her videos on. They are only a few minutes long and might just strike a chord. All the best to you both

ineedaholidaynow...its not fair and ive blown my top at the unfairness more than once but after all these years we've fallen in to a pattern. luckily i have a large support network of friends and family and we tend to help each other. i have to stress that if i asked him to take one of the kids somewhere after 2 he would, its the times where there are no plans that bother me. those hours are filled with lager and i wish he could think of a better way of spending his time!
and hiphopopotomus well done you for getting sober. i hope your future is bright. its not an easy thing to do.

thanks everyone, you have all certainly given me lots to think about. im off to find annie grace!

My Dad was a big drinker throughout my childhood.

He wasn't verbally or physically abusive but it was painfully obvious to me from a young age that he really cared about his drink in a way that he just didn't about me.

God knows how much money he pissed away over the years, probably 10's of thousands....

I'm still bitter about it now. Boozing was like his passion and it was pathetic.

Please, don't kid yourself that your children aren't being affected by this.

I feel he's emotionally dependent on it too from what you've said.
Must really hard isn't it as there's a large chunk of society that focus on drinking and that's their social life or escape.
My husband is similar- brilliant Dad and husband in lots of ways. if he does dry January he can do it but generally doesn't choose to as he likes the toast of drinking and uses it as an escape and socially. At the moment he drinks most nights- maybe only 2/3 cans of beer and that's less than he used to.... I very rarely drink unless going out or friends round and even then it's only a couple. He also generally goes out 2 times per week and drinks.

I often get accused of being the killjoy (by friends and husbands friends) because I don't want to drink more or get drunk... but I don't mention anything the their drinking. I think the world frowns on people that don't want to drink more than those that drink a lot sometimes?
I think for you, and for me the more I keep thinking about my husbands drinking, it's evaluating if that's how you want to live your life alongside that person? Will he ever change do you think? I think some people do but generally it has to be heir decision. And if he do doesn't are you ok with that?

For my husband I don't think he ever will change- he's too emotionally dependent on it and the way I feel at the moment is alcohol and the pub will always come first (yet he is very upset if I say this). For me going forward I'm not sure it's what I want but also am not at a point where I want to end the whole relationship based on this (we have children too

Hope that all makes sense as typing on my phone and I may have done lots of typos

@DuffBeer this is what worries me about my children as they've started to mention things. My 7 year old said yesterday oh dad's gone to the pub again? It's like he loves the pub more than you mummy.... and that really got to me

Sorry to jump on your thread op

@lifestooshortandsoami no i dont think my husband will change. we've had it out hundreds of times to no avail. he doesnt think theres a problem, he just thinks im nagging. in fact he often tells me how the men at work laugh at him because he's not 'allowed' to drink during the week when lots of them do. and i would like to say to everyone, the most important thing to me is my childrens happiness and well being. what i have to weigh up is, is the drinking at weekends (he rarely goes out so its just the cans in the house) worse than them being from a broken home? they would have to see him at weekends so what would it achieve? i must stress again, our home is a happy one and DH is not rolling around drunk. far from it. i just wish he wasnt so attatched to the lager!

I suppose you should look at pensions, wills and your future plans, as you should assume he will die or be ill and incapacitated first as excess consumption of alcohol is a risk factor for dementia and all the together diseases that hit the ageing. How will you get by if he does? If he is unwell/ incapacitated? Prepare for these things.

@tma1968 I completely understand where you are coming from.
My dh is the same... very rarely 'drunk' even though he drinks regularly.
It's so difficult isn't it.
I often feel like I'm being unreasonable when actually I'm just concerned.

My dh even had a bit of scare where the doctors were concerned over his liver function... he had to not drink for 6 weeks. He did it but they said it was then fine and ro go back to normal so he has. I pointed out that that should have been a bit of a warning.
I do feel for you as it's so difficult when they don't see it as an issue and it's hard to know how to move forward

Very rarely drunk,very rarely sober - sobering words...

Your DC rarely see their df not under the influence and certainly drinking of booze.

You say that you don't let him drink in the week. He will resent you for controlling him

Have you tried not telling him what to do, but how its making you feel and that he is a pretty absent df and DH from the sound of it.

Sorry x-posted there.

I don't think there's any more you can do really other than make it plain how absent he is from your lives and continually drinking when at home, other people's lives dont matter and are irrelevant! This is your familyfamily, but there's no reason life has to be some sort of hell for all by separating.

How's it going to go when your DC start rolling home drunk and coming everywhere? All they've seen is their df continually consuming alchohol..

It is truly shit but only he can recognise and make changes. He's even had a health scare,but his drinking is more important to him.

My DH’s relative’s life completely changed after her drinking DH left her. She didn’t want him to leave, but I don’t think she realised how her life completely revolved around his drinking, it was their ‘normal’.

To me if he's not drinking during the week he is sort of taking your feeling on board in that respect? So even if he doesn't agree fully he gets why?
My dh can't do that at all at the moment... he'll say am not drinking now for the next few days... then gives in and he can't say no if someone invite him to the pub.
Sorry for whinging on your thread op I've currently got a broken foot and sprained ankle so I think I've had a lot of time to think about things including my relationship so it's coming out after reading your situation.

I really do hope you wirk something out

I often get accused of being the killjoy (by friends and husbands friends) because I don't want to drink more or get drunk...

This is very often the sign of an issue. Drinkers love company - it normalises what they do; they don't have any problem with alcohol because everyone else around them is doing the same.

I have a friend who, in my opinion and that of an alcoholic who has been dry for nine years, has an issue with alcohol or is a functioning alcoholic. I've seen the above behaviour in him (I no longer socialise if it involves going to the pub )

I put a similar post on yesterday, like yourself been with my dc for years since I was 17 and its always been that way with the drink, im at the point where im fed up now and had enough, we had a chat last night and he says he will stop drinking, im just wondering how long for this time so frustrating isnt it.

That’s a lot of booze OP. I think that you need to speak to him and go from the health angle this time.... which isn’t entirely disingenuous anyway, because his health will be affected.

tma

re your comment:-

"what i have to weigh up is, is the drinking at weekends (he rarely goes out so its just the cans in the house) worse than them being from a broken home? "

His primary relationship is with drink, it is neither with you or your children. His thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from and all his buddies are drinking buddies too with their own alcohol dependency issues.

Your home is already in crisis because of his alcoholism and its a home that lurches really from one crisis to another. You firefight the crises. You are also playing the usual such roles associated with spouses; those of his codependent partner (codependency is often heavily featured in such dysfunctional relationships, his enabler and his provoker (because you never forget and you are a long suffering veteran of his drinking).

The effects on your kids from seeing all this will last into adulthood and could well go onto affect their own adult relationships markedly. They need to be in a home without an alcoholic in it as do you. Their home is really no sanctuary to them.

Do you really think a man like this would actually want to be at all bothered let alone look after his children at all post separation? Doing that will eat into his drinking time so they could well get dumped with his mother instead. He is not bothered about them now or you for that matter.