drinking all weekend every weekend.

[tma1968]

ive been with my DH for almost 17 years. he was a drinker when i met him and thats never changed. we both like a drink so im not claiming to be teetotal or anything but i drink when i feel the urge not because its the weekend. we have a great life and want for nothing. he works hard and so his way of rewarding himself for working hard all week is to drink lager all weekend. it will start friday normally (sometimes thursday if the rugby is on) as soon as he comes home so say 5pm. he will buy 8 pint cans (it used to be the smaller cans but he's swapped now to the bigger ones) but will probably not drink them all as hes tired from work and will fall asleep on the couch. on saturday he will buy 8 more and drink those as well as the others left over from the night before, he always starts at 2pm and will usually fall asleep on the couch again. on sunday he will buy 8 more and start them at 2pm and drink all those. he might slur his words a bit after 6/7 cans but he isnt aggressive or a nuisance, he's fine. if i want us to go somewhere he will hold off till we get home but i always have to drive if theres drink available. we cant go for a day out with our 2 kids without him having a drink even if its just one. he can never just have a coke. he never ever doesnt drink on one of the days at the weekend and only doesnt drink every night of the week because i wont let him. i absolutely draw the line there. if we have a night out and he's hungover ive known him to have hair of the dog at 11am. and on all inclusive holidays he drinks 12 hours a day for 14 days solid. we have had more than one argument about this but he doesnt think that he's doing anything wrong and besides the amount he's pouring down his neck he doesnt do anything wrong. he can do dry january no problem and i know he could stop if he wanted to he just doesnt want to. so my question is am i just being a nag? is his drinking excessive? am i wrong to expect him to change when he was always a drinker in the beginning? the noise of the can opening makes my flesh crawl. is he an alcoholic or just a creature of habit?

When was the last time he had an alcohol free weekend?

Read "the 3 act play that is alcoholism". It will be hard for you to read because you will be featured in there but read it you should. Sadly tma you are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is.

And the wheel keeps turning.....

You really do need to get off the merry go around named denial too.

48 + units aweek. The nhs advice is that if you drink more than 14 units a week, on a regular basis, and binge drink more than 8 units in one go, you are at risk of developing a problem.
His liver function blood tests may be fine-for now- and very often will be fine up until it’s too late. An ultrasound would more accurately show the true condition.

our home is a happy one and DH is not rolling around drunk

Very alarming that the amount he is drinking isn’t making him drunk. Also it’s not a happy home if, as you say the noise of the can opening makes my flesh crawl

With the amount he’s drinking the financial cost is shocking but he isn’t going to stop because you tell him to. He has to want to. If he likes a drink all weekend rather than not there isn’t a lot you can do.

This is my Dad and step mum, although they drink every day not just weekends and perhaps the amounts are slightly smaller as my Dad is 71 now. Also my mum and my brother have often been close to this. Something someone has said in this thread "drinking was their passion" has really hit home - I have never really been able to why I hate their drinking so much. I realise it's because it's so important to them (ie. more important than me and the rest of the family).

OP I think it's a problem too, and I hope he will see it soon too.

tma,

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are completely apart from him. Until then all this that you describe will keep on happening. Your home is not a happy home at all.

People mention liver function but its not just the liver that is affected; its all his organs and in terms of his brain also his short term memory.

Attending Al-anon meetings in person would for you be a very good idea.

You can only save your own self and your children here, not him. If you choose to stay with your alcoholic for whatever reasons (and they are not good enough reasons) they are certainly not going to say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. They will look at you and wonder why you put him before them as well as leaving home as soon as they are able. Your own relationship with them will be affected to its detriment.

Your husband is an alcoholic. It is a myth that you have to drink everyday to be one. Also many alcoholics complete dry January to fool themselves that they don’t have a problem. His drinking is already effecting you and your children.

Op i could have written this post myself a few weeks ago.

My dp was drinking approx 8 cans where night, he would start at about 6pm and eventually fall asleep in front of the TV. He was never aggressive. He wasn't staggering or causing any issues but I had really concerns for his Liver and his health.

I posted on here and got similar replies. I had a massive talk with him and told him it was over unless he sorted it. It was affecting our family life.

He's reduced down to 2 cans per night. He was so unwell at first, he was withdrawing. But 2 cans is better than 8 and we will soon drop to 1 and then hopefully none?

I hope you find a solution

on all inclusive holidays he drinks 12 hours a day for 14 days solid.|

Jesus, that's a lot of booze and great for you having to spend 14 days with a man that is constantly under the influence.

I think you are a bit in denial OP, probably because that's what gets you through your life with him but honestly I'd not suffer this and I'd not have my kids witnessing it, he's clearly an alcoholic, that's ridiculous he does FA up until 2pm every weekend so he can have his benders, what a massive selfish git and how unattractive, I don't know how you stand it, guess you'd have fucked off if not for having kids with him.

Then there is the health and financial burden that much drinking causes, and yes it will be having an impact on family finances.

I am afraid you either put up or get out, he won't change, he does not even think it's a problem, laughing with his friends that you are a nag for not letting him drink during the week, I'd have told him to fuck off with his tinnies there and then, he must be stinking of drink all the time, you don't have to be falling about the place, and I bet it's having a bad effect on his sexual urges.

Dress it up but nah, he's got a serious drinking problem.

Get it sorted now otherwise you may end up being his carer after all the damage he has done.

I don't think he's an alcoholic otherwise he'd be needing it everyday

^ Really outdated and incorrect view of alcohol dependency. PP was right saying that alcoholics can find it easier to stop for a day or week to prove something than to limit themselves to a sensible one or two every day.

Yes Op your husband had an issue with alcohol. Likely to develop over time into full blown addiction when he just can't stop. He's way way over the guidelines and his body won't be able to keep doing this forever.

He won't change until he sees the need. Or becomes very ill, when it's often too late.

I'm sorry. It's very hard but there's a chance he can change IF he realises he has a dependency, his routine ingrained as it is must change.

And don't dismiss the fact your children are watching an adult drink excessively, this will become their norm and may have a really negative effect on them when adults and drinking alcohol.

@adora10 yes i would be long gone were it not for the kids and ive threatened him a million times i just never follow it through. thank you for all your comments. i cant reply to them all sorry. yes there is tension over the drink and there have been endless arguments and it never changes. its hard when people say he loves drink more than you and the kids because its not something i feel. having given it some thought i can see that if he loved me the most the drink would be gone. i never wanted a teetotal husband but nor did i want an addict because that is what he is. i see that now. i want what is best for my children and despite the drinking he really is a good dad, he could be so much better though. i will not question my kids over the drink as i wont lead them. maybe they dont care because as i say it doesnt particularly impact their lives, certainly not in a way i can see anyway. they tell me off if i get giddy i know that much but they dont really mention their dad. not sure if thats a good or bad sign tbh. one thing ive decided is that im stopping drinking as of today because i feel by me having a gin with him im letting him think we're in it together and we are not. im a social drinker but i admit ive drank more at home to be social with him if that makes sense. i realise the very fact that ive written this tells me that there is a problem. ive emailed al-anon and i will try to get to a meeting or speak to someone for advice. in answer to another post, he hasnt had an alcohol free weekend for as long as i remember. he was supposed to do dry january this year but it hasnt happened. christmas is another 2 week long binge as well. im used to it now so it seems normal. im conditioned to think this is how it is. i actually cannot bear the thought of my kids turning out like us. makes me feel sick. time to act before its too late i think. im 50 and he's 43. our kids are 13 and 9.

I am sure he does love you and his children; his relationship with alcohol is between him and the booze.

I was exactly where you are, I was drinking more to keep him and myself company, it felt normal although deep down I knew it wasn't really.

I convinced myself because he was an ok drunk, just a bit dopey, no aggression whatsoever, fact is he was impaired, a lot, and it did affect our sex life and the more I nagged the less he was inclined to change, we did split up in the end, I'd have hated to be raising kids around that.

yes i would be long gone were it not for the kids and ive threatened him a million times i just never follow it through.

Staying for the children is a really bad idea in any case and a particularly terrible idea in your circumstances. He will never ever take you seriously if you do not follow through on any threats made. Why do you not follow through either, that is a question you need to ask yourself here.

Your children know things are not good at home, they know and probably say nothing out of fear of upsetting you.

If you really do want a better life for your kids as well as you, he needs to be out of your day to day lives. All you are doing is lurching from one crisis to another.

He's a functioning alcoholic. For now.

I have known functioning alcoholics, who present fine and very well at work, professional and hard working, have a good circle of contacts and hold down high performing position, then commit suicide, or just walk out of the world, or become suddenly incredibly ill.

Your DC need to be away from his downward spiral, the only way out of it is to stop and get some help, and all the while everyone supports him he will continue to spiral and ignore.

He's functioning now, but he won't be forever. I was you - I stayed with my H for far too long because he'd been through so much losing his parents, hating his job... But in the end I couldn't help him because the only person who could help him was himself.

And the only person I could help was me - and our DDs. You need to now put yourself and your DCs first. Do please go to Al-Anon or a similar group. Doing so gave me the strength to detach and leave.

My H died last summer - more than likely his serious heart disease was linked to his alcohol use. He was only 58. The kind of alcohol consumption that's normal for your DH will take him down the same path.

It does sound like he has a problem, maybe not an alcoholic but probably cld be easily if it weren't for ur "nagging".

My dad is a recovering alcoholic although wasn't in my childhood this was after I had left home.

He always said my mum nagged him about drinking. Always made out she exaggerated how much he drank and he cld stop whenever he wanted but that he just didn't want to 🙄

It sounds like your husband is getting worse though and this is how it progresses into being an alcoholic. You said the cans have got bigger, and it's went from fri-sun to now including a Thursday sometimes.

My dad never used to drink in the house and then it was used a Friday & Saturday then it started becoming Thursday too and sometimes a Sunday and before you know it it's every day.

It's sad really coz it is effecting your lives, he just doesn't see it like that because he doesn't want to 😕

@shelbybear that is how its been in a nutshell. he has agreed that it is probably a good thing that ive 'controlled' his drinking but having said that its definitely got worse. in the beginning before the kids we went out sat night and i only remember him having the odd can friday and sunday. a while ago it progressed to thursday and monday but i put a stop to that. the 8 small cans to the 8 pint cans has really annoyed me. if i bring it up he says 'what harm am i doing?' 'i dont do anything else its my weekend pleasure' im made to feel like im mean. then i get 'well you drink' he convinces me that theres no problem with the amount he drinks and starts to compare his behaviour with other people who drink more. he seriously doesnt think he has a problem. he just likes the taste he says. he has 3-4 alcohol free days and so that must mean theres no problem and to a degree i agree but theres a little voice inside me saying this isnt how it should be. its excessive. its not good for our kids and where will it end? my nan was an alcoholic but more of a binger. she never grew out of it. 80 odd years old and pissed out the head. her kids resented her so much. i do not want that!

He needs a shock op you’re not his controller and should not be forced to manage an adult you need to separate maybe then he’ll change maybe

@pointythings...wow, thats horrible. im sorry for you and your kids. i hope and pray its not something my children will have to go through. im not sure how im going to approach this yet. ive stamped my foot and shouted and threatened in the past and ive achieved nothing so i need a new tactic. al-anon meeting first and perhaps a chat with his gp. his mum (teetotaller and couldnt bear him drinking) has died and his dad agrees with me that his drinking is excessive. i need a plan because this has to stop before our children suffer any further upset.

I don't think he's an alcoholic. But his drinking id making you unhappy. Can you positively broach it with him? Say you love him but you're finding his habitual weekend drinking a drag? You'd rather do something else? And maybe initiate that something else? Book a day out to something? Break the habit?

I could have written this. My dh though will not only have 8+ cans/bottles but then wine and whatever spirits he can find when he has friends over. We have other issues as well but enough is enough, I can't live like this as he's gone from being a very passive drunk to a now argumentative one and I'm always on edge. Tonight I've told him I want a separation. I've got to put me and my ds first. Nothing's going to change his end

He clearly likes a drink and I doubt this will change. Only you can change what you are prepared to tolerate.

Having said that, not everyone who drinks more than the NHS guidelines are on deaths door.

My mum has been drinking 100 plus units a week for 40 years and is still going strong at 82. Her liver function has always been fine.

It wouldn’t be for me though

He either cares enough to hear you and take your seriously or he doesn't. Either way it isn't your job to convince him and you should tell him that, and the reason its not your job to convince him is because its destroying your life in the relationship, that all he needs to hear, or not. Agai n, his choice, and if he makes the choice to make changes, it must be his choice, not yours,not that you coerced him into it or threatened consequences. You can only say your not happy and can't carry oon this way refusing to see its a problem when you are making it clear it is a problem, the alchohol puts him outside your relationship. Ditto DC.

I think you should try to approach this from the health angle.

You say his liver function is fine. It is now widely accepted that liver function tests are not a reliable source of indicating early damage to the liver. Alcohol liver damage has three stages; fatty liver, fibrosis/alcoholic hepatitis, then cirrhosis.

90% of people who regularly drink several units in one day, repeatedly, have a fatty liver. That’s the first stage of liver disease. Liver function tests will not show this; only an ultrasound or an ELF bloodtest will. He needs to go to the GP and be honest that he drinks 5 times more than the safe limit (that many units a week, regardless of being drunk only at the weekend, is deemed a dangerous level not just high). If he is so confident he doesn’t have an issue he can go and declare this consumption and have the tests with nothing to worry about, right?

Does he understand about the increased risk of stroke? Cancer? Dementia?

The British liver trust website has some good information on this sort of thing.