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Original poster

help - lost sex drive

44 replies

charleysangel · 05/07/2007 11:01

I had a normal sex drive before birth. I have a good relationship with my partner, except that I would rather watch the tv or do the washing up than have sex. Since my childs birth it just seems I have completely lost my libido, I am not sexually interested in my partner, or any other men. When we do have sex it all seems slightly ridiculous and my orgasms are not very orgasmic!!! Advised GP and she wasnt very helpful and just asked if I was depressed- which I am not - am just wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem and if they managed to kickstart their libido. Beginning to feel very sorry for partner, he is very understanding but dont want to continue like this

OP posts:
ThomCat · 05/07/2007 11:02

How old is you DC.
What form of contraception are you using?
Are you breastfeeding?
What are the sleeping arrangments?
What sleep are you getting?

Original poster
charleysangel · 05/07/2007 11:09

dc is 3, sleeping arrangements can be a bit trying but on the whole I probably get a couple of nights sleep a week without being disturbed. I would probably say I am tired but not that tired if you know what I mean. I really feel that have turned asexual!

OP posts:
ThomCat · 05/07/2007 11:28

Arrrr, ok.

Well first off don't beat yourself up over it, it'll just push you further away.

Have you tried pleasuring yourself and having a little fantasy? If not why not try having a relaxing bath and allowing your mind to wander and maybe your hand. The first time maybe allow yourself to orgasam but the next time you do it, don't, leave yourself feeling turned on and then iniiate sex with your DH?

Have you tried getting out together? Is it feaible to have a dinner ut, spend time in his comany enjoying him and having a laugh. If possible a hotel room would be good but if not possible then just a meal out.

Read some erotic literature?

Make time to be together. Have him stroke your back etc.

Watch a film together that will make you laugh.

Above all don't feel bad or think this is abnormal, it most certainly isn't. Hundreds of women on MN alone have a worse sex drive / attitude towards sex than you do.

TC

phdlife · 05/07/2007 11:40

sorry to crash your thread angel, but thomcat - what does bfing have to do with it? My sex drive is barely hanging in there but my bits don't seem to get the message, wondered if it was all the prolactin?

god, can't believe I just wrote that

Original poster
charleysangel · 05/07/2007 12:04

thanks for the tips thomcat - have tried some of them already but halfheartedly! book of erotic literature remains unread on book shelf - we dont get out often enough I suppose and dont get enough quality time together, but how many parents do - Does anyone know if it possible for childbirth to effect hormonal levels for such a long time, maybe I am lacking testorone or whatever the hormone is that effects sexual arousal??

OP posts:
ThomCat · 05/07/2007 12:58

I don't know the medical facts but I have a really high sex drive. However when breastfeeding it went right down. I had sex but was so not bothered which isn't like me.

Having a child does of course effect your drive. It's much harder to find time, energy, enthusiasm and your body has gone througha huge change. You are a different person to who you were BC. I think it's really important to do things together, share moments, evening etc where you recapture a bit of the old you.

I don't have a problem with my sex drive but if all I've done all day is clean, cook, change nappues, etc, I don't feel like getting sdowna nd dirty funnily enough!
However if we have had a nice evening, in or out and we've laughed together etc then I want to take that intimacy further and want to extend the evening iykwim?

I just think you need to take the pressure off yourself and take time to recapture bits of the old you now and then. You do need to get away from the house to help with that maybe???

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 13:06

"Hundreds of women on MN alone have a worse sex drive / attitude towards sex than you do. "

What do you mean by 'worse' thomcat? Just curious really. Are you implying that there is a value judgment to be made here? I am very similar to the OP and whilst I sort of wish things were different for the sake of my marriage and my DH I don't feel that there is anything wrong with the way I feel. It's a natural response to what I've been through emotionally and physically over the last 11 years (3 babies, 7+ years of bfing, full-time work, various bad stuff going on).

Sorry for hijacking OP . But I'm in a similar boat and all the answers on MN always seem to come down to there being something bad that needs changing.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 05/07/2007 13:08

IME, when breast feeding, boobs just don't seem to understand that there were ever for anything other than producing milk. If DH touched mine, they used to squirt a jet of milk into his face.. and even if I'd just fed the baby, I had no real pleasurably sensations from them during sex.

it wasn't until I gave up bf entirely (that took forever!) I remembered that boobs sensations could be associated with sex!

estobi1 · 05/07/2007 14:03

Have you tried buying yourself some nice sexy underwear that you feel really good in?

ThomCat · 05/07/2007 14:26

Do you know what, I knew someone would pick up on that line after I posted it!!

I don't mean anything bad by it, no deep dark dig, nothing. I simply mean that lots of women start threads worried about their sex lives, and many come across as a lot more distressed by it, perhaps their DH is putting them under a lot of pressure, perhaps they hate their body, etc, things that haven't come across in charleysnagel's OP. Okay??? That's what I meant by 'worse', nothing more and I didn't mean to cause any upset, far from it. Hope that clears things up.

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 14:28

Ah! That's OK then

Thought you probably meant it that way but wasn't sure. There are some posts on there that so read that way sometimes.

ThomCat · 05/07/2007 14:31

tbh, what was in my head and how it came out do seem very different, but I promise I ddin't mean it in in a negative, derogatory way. I did just mean that other woman come across as a lot more worried and in more of a mess and a lot more anxious about it than the OP. I really am sorry that I wasn't terribly clear in the first place.

curiouscat · 05/07/2007 14:42

I find the less I have sex the less I want it. It's hard to get back into the habit after a gap. There have been times when I thought I wouldn't care if I never did it again. But imo it's worth carrying on. It's more fun now I'm older, my family's complete etc so there are upsides. Definitely more imaginative than used to be as well, eg locations, underwear etc.

Original poster
charleysangel · 05/07/2007 14:54

Well its good to hear of people getting it back. Maybe I just need to put more effort into it, and put it to the top of the list rather than cooking, cleaning, paying bills, buying clothes for the baba, working etc. Why doesnt the transition to parenthood affect mens sex drive so much. Really how often are mums doing it??? My rate is about once every 3 months at the moment and I really could even forgo that.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 05/07/2007 15:00

Know how you feel charleysangel - I am off it, well and truly. I don't even fantasise about other people so I don't think the relationship is the problem. One of my friends went through this too when her dcs were young and she ended up going to a sex therapist..
The basic thing she did was once a week she'd cook the romantic dinner, don the underwear etc and then have rather a lot to drink! Something must have worked because they're still together and happy!
It's true about the more you have the more you want and vice versa though, when we have had sex recently (usually at weddings or parties when I'm quite trollied) the feeling has stayed for a few days afterwards - just wish more people would get married

mslucy · 05/07/2007 15:07

I wish I had a lower sex drive.

DH groans when he sees that beady look in my eye.

We are ttc no 2 (no luck yet) which is a good excuse for lots of SEX.

If it was up to me I'd have it every day!

But everyone's different and the last thing you should ever do is feel bad about what you are.

I do think masturbation helps and I think lube helps if you're a bit (ahem) dry downstairs.

Wisteria · 05/07/2007 15:09

Mslucy - chuck us a bit!!??

I used to be a right nymph

Good luck with your ttc plan x

lilymolly · 05/07/2007 15:16

I have zilcho sex drive and this was before dd, and before last week would average about twice a YEAR, however last week we where on holiday and we did it TWICE

I am convinved it was because we where away from home and work, relaxed and I actually enjoyed it

Now that I back home, I have gone back to old ways.......making excuses, rather tidy up house etc.

Some people are sex people, I am just not one of them , dp and I have accepted that, and as long as he gets some sort of sexual encounter, then he is fine.

Dont worry, it will come back

Original poster
charleysangel · 05/07/2007 15:19

Wisteria - that is exactly it - i dont even fantisize about other people, which would at least give me some hope of the old libido returning at some point. The suggestions I am getting is that i need to be more proactive about it - and get drunk. Have tried the rabbit thingy but even that doesnt really get me going anymore - its all very mechanical and uninspiring

OP posts:
curiouscat · 05/07/2007 16:17

I did once mention to dh that a tidy house and clean kitchen (done by someone else) was a much better aphrodisiac than 'toys'

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 16:38

I'm the same. No fantasies here any more. It's as if bits of me have just switched off.

I do you are right curiouscat - I find the whole domestic chaos/drudgery dichotomy quite dispiriting .

Wisteria · 05/07/2007 16:55

God aren't we a miserable lot?

I'm going to make an effort tonight, I'm worried he'll be off having affairs if i don't sort it out!

GreebosWhiskers · 05/07/2007 17:15

Thank god it's not just me!

DS is 8 months now but since he was born my sex drive has been about zero whereas before it was so high that mosy days I'd find myself taking matters in hand during the day & still jumping DH when he got home from work. I'm still bf DS but I don't think that has anything to do with it. I had a terrible time just after he was born & things were touch & go for a while & I'm absolutely terrified I'll get pg again. I can't use hormonal contraceptives for health reasons, I've had 2 failed coil-fitting attempts & the gp won't refer me for sterilisation while I'm breastfeeding so on the odd occasion we do have sex we're having to use condoms - which we were using when I got pg with DS

Poor DH keeps sighing wistfully & asking if I remember when we had a sex-life. I do feel guilty but it's as if that part of me has switched off completely 'cos I still think DH is gorgeous & love him to bits but just rarely feel randy.

GreebosWhiskers · 05/07/2007 17:17

most days even

slayerette · 05/07/2007 17:26

Can I add a 'me too' to this thread - you are not alone, charleysangel; my average is about once a month - and much less at the mo due to stress of work - and even then I have to make a real effort. I just don't have a sex drive and dh and I never do it spontaneously any more - we set aside an evening with wine and a nice meal, switch tv off, light candles, etc. I have to build up to it like that otherwise I can't switch my brain off being a mother/teacher/housewife.

We find having 'date nights' really help - actually pick an evening and build up to it, make it special. We stay in but just make sure the mood's different from a normal evening - break the routine. Every time dh and I do that we both say we should have sex more often - it's great! - but are soooo knackered in everyday life!