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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help - lost sex drive

44 replies

charleysangel · 05/07/2007 11:01

I had a normal sex drive before birth. I have a good relationship with my partner, except that I would rather watch the tv or do the washing up than have sex. Since my childs birth it just seems I have completely lost my libido, I am not sexually interested in my partner, or any other men. When we do have sex it all seems slightly ridiculous and my orgasms are not very orgasmic!!! Advised GP and she wasnt very helpful and just asked if I was depressed- which I am not - am just wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem and if they managed to kickstart their libido. Beginning to feel very sorry for partner, he is very understanding but dont want to continue like this

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 17:27

I do manage an average of once a week. More than I really want and less than DH wants. But it's a compromise.

BodiceRipper · 05/07/2007 18:14

Apologies for the name change - I promised DH that I wouldn't discuss our sex life on Mnet unless entirely anonymously.

This is a tough one and I think ThomCat is at some level correct. As a gross generalisation, sex is important to men, in a fundamental, visceral way that it is not for women. A marked reduction in frequency makes them feel unhappy and insecure. Men seem to equate sex and love in a way that women don't.

I think that women's response to sexual/erotic stimuli are likely to be very different, so you need to figure out what works for you. Having said that, what has worked for us are:

'Dates', real dates where we dress up, get a baby-sitter and go to the cinema, a party, the theatre or a restaurant. Even a drive to a country pub for a quick post-dinner drink is better than an evening in front of the TV. In fact, banish the TV. The devil finds work and all that....
Dressing with an eye to lust. A slightly revealing top, some nice underwear. It's all cliched, but it works and DH's admiration and enjoyment inspires my sex-drive.
Alcohol.
Erotic literature. This is a recent discovery. For me it needs to be reasonably well-written, funny, with a good story-line, some character development, romantic, historically accurate and contain sex scenes that don't make me fall about laughing. It's a tall order but I've found one or two authors that just about pull it off.
Holidays or weekends away without the DCs.
Sex. Of any type. Alone, together, it doesn't matter. The more you do it, the more you want it.

lilymolly · 05/07/2007 19:15

anyone recommend some good erotic fiction?

NoodleStroodle · 05/07/2007 19:15

Have you looked under the bed?

lilymolly · 05/07/2007 19:21

Thats what you call Porn Noodle

I was wanting some thing with a story line, not just a legs akimbo fanjo shot thanks

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 19:32

Women on Top by some American woman who's name I forget. A load of sexual fantasise by women some of which are quite or weird or quite interesting....

BodiceRipper · 05/07/2007 19:59

Julia Quinn is not bad. It's essentially chick lit with a historical flavour, a reasonable dollop of sex and some humour. The writing is fairly ropey, but I'm not sure that great writing and sex are often found in the same novel.

Recommendations for romance, some of which is erotic can be found at www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php.

yogimum · 05/07/2007 20:00

nancy friday

yogimum · 05/07/2007 20:02

also black lace, erotic fiction for women written by women

OrmIrian · 05/07/2007 20:18

Aha! Thankyou yogimum.

Original poster

charleysangel · 05/07/2007 20:53

Well it is comforting to know I am not the only asexual person out there but at the same time it is worrying that so many of us just have switched off on sex. If I had known this, maybe I might have waited and had my bb later, like at 60!! Its very hard to feel sexy though isnt when you have been covered in either snot, sick or poo for most of the day, and have spent an exhausting amount of time, debating with a toddler on why they need to stop throwing food, put their clothes on, stop pulling the cats tail etc, as well as rustling up a meal a la nigella, after all that sex seems just like another chore to add to the list

OP posts:

lilymolly · 05/07/2007 21:44

I am sure we will all be fine. What did not help was that t my grandfather told me this week (he is 90 and recently lost his wife, my gm,) that they had avery active sex life until they where about 75
DP says I obviously dont take after my nana

Wisteria · 05/07/2007 22:07

Think that's how my friends cured it (the inside date)! Am going to try it.
Going to go on that website and get some horny books - my dp will be so pleased!
Talking about it does tend to make you a little more proactive, doesn't it?

Helping me anyway - hope it does you too charley x

curiouscat · 06/07/2007 11:25

Wow, loads of great ideas here. But I find sometimes the anticipation is off putting - set up a lovely dinner/romantic evening and I find oh god I've got to have sex afterwards running through my mind.

Whereas doing it before we go out/after lunch at weekends etc I find it more fun for the surprise factor and lack of pressure.

I agree totally with BodiceRipper about how men regard sex. Also I always remember Cynthia Payne's maxim which was 'all men need to be despunked regularly.'

slayerette · 06/07/2007 18:03

You're right, curiouscat. What we do -sorry for tmi though - is open the wine and put on some music after ds is asleep and then do the deed first. (And it's lots more fun than I'm making it sound!) After that, we have a lovely snuggly evening - dinner, etc - basking in the afterglow. You're absolutely right - the thought of having to do it puts too much pressure on the evening otherwise. Plus, I always drink too much and fall asleep

BodiceRipper · 08/07/2007 09:52

slayerette: Interesting. This works well for us too. Put the DCs to bed, then retire to bed ourselves with a bottle of wine and some snacks. Then have dinner. If we wait until we're going to bed, all either of us want is to sleep. The 'dates' are important, not as a prelude to sex but as re-establishing ourselves as a lovers as well as parents.

curiouscat · 09/07/2007 08:57

I agree, whoever wants to have sex after a large meal when it's going to interfere with precious sleep too?

Sometimes we'll dial a takeaway and then have to race it ... haven't been caught out yet

Sixer · 18/07/2007 13:45

So glad i found this thread today. We are having our talk tonight, about my lack of libido, dp waking in the night and sitting on Internet porn and of course how to go about putting things right. I am sort of dreading it though. I foolishly said to dp that sometimes i don't even want to snog him because he will then take that as a sign of me wanting sex. I am also thinking he will want to 'make-up' after tonight's chat. and i really can't get myself in the mood. I have even been known to get really drunk just so i pass out and can't have sex. Thanks for all the ideas and advice. i can see i will really have to make an effort. Bring it on.

podgybum · 18/07/2007 14:24

My husband gets more upset then I do about the lack of sex. I have no sex drive, don't think about it and it doesn't interest me in the slightest. We haven't had sex for a year. Yes my husband is a saint and he loves me very much but I can't change the way I am. Saying that sex is important but there are other ways of showing your affection and love for each other.

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