Ok, I am going to try and keep this as shirt as possible. Been here about 9 years, but namechanged invade anyone recognises me.
I have a friend of about 20 years. She is a older than me. She had an horrendous first marriage at 16, he had affairs she had affairs, he became violent, 3 kids camebinto it and she finally got rid of him. She then had a child with someone who had mental health problems and was left with all 4 kids, doing it alone.
Anyway when she was mid 30s she met someone in early twenties. They seemed to get on really well most of the time. Her youngest was toddler and the others were 10 and older. Her Dp took the kids on, especially the toddler. He considers that child he own child, as the dad is nowhere to be found.
Anyway, it's been a rollercoaster of a relationship. Even from the start. Neither of them covered themseleves in glory. They would argue about anything and everything. Even in front of people. Neither trusted the other, she would accuse him of cheating, he would accuse her of cheating. She would purposely try and make him jealous by giving the house number out to men to call her on, he would get angry (never violent or close to) that men were ringing the house, so he would flirt with women in front of her she would get angry and on and on. These arguments happened every 6-12 weeks and both of them acted badly. Individually, they are nice people. Together, it just didn't work.
What did happen was that despite a long relationship of almost 20 years and marriage, she wouldn't put his name on any house they rented and would kick him out, if they fell out. He would have to spend the next 2-4 weeks begging to go back and she would eventually give in.
The root of their issues, from my point of view was that she couldn't have more kids and her age. She felt very insecure that he would go off with someone younger and who could have kids. He always reassured he loved her and was happy no having his own kids and viewed her kids as his.
I had fertility problems so sympathised. I justified, wrongly, alot of her behaviour and supported her because I knew to hard it was not being able to give the man you love a baby.
Anyway, her kids became adult and started moving out, she then hit her (now) husband a few times. And it got worse.
3 years ago she kicked him out again. He begged to come back for a few weeks. Then he decided it was done. At first she didn't believe it and said 'he will come crawling back'. He didn't. She went to where he was staying and kicked off, tried to attack him and he wouldn't come back with her. She became convinced he met someone else, so would sit all night outside where he was staying, would ring him and scream abuse. I felt so bad for her because she was hurting so much, but I was also getting concerned her behaviour was out of hand. She was still convinced he had left her so he could have kids, where everyone else could see he had left because he was sick of all the trouble.
My dp is still friends with him. My friend has demanded we all, including her kids cut contact with him, but my dp refuses.
Her husband eventually got his own place and wouldn't tell her where it was so she couldn't sit outside it. He was clear the marriage was over, but as far as my dp knows he isn't seeing anyone. He has completely disengaged from her, does try and contact the adult kids, but they won't respond so they dont upset their mum.
She has told him he has to wait 5 years for divorce. If he tries to divorce her, she will contest it. Her rage has simmered but is still there. I have felt so sorry for her and been there because she felt she could give him kids and it would have been ok, if she had. I shared my feelings over my own problems and really been there for her, whilst telling her, her behaviour isn't ok. But she won't seek outside help. She is calling all his family trying to find where he lives. Got the youngest son (now an adult) to call his family to check out if they know. He hasn't told his family either. Only my Dp knows where his house is.
However, last week while drunk, she admitted she actually COULD have kids. But didn't want anymore and was on the pill till she went through menopause. I am gutted, I shared so much of my own story, supported her when her behaviour was abusive to her husband because I understood how she felt. I feel gutted for her ex, while he said he didn't mind not having his own, but I don't think he got all the facts. I think he should have known all the truth. That she didn't want them. While drunk she was smug that he would dare have kids with someone else now, as he was afraid she would kick off. She still had control of him. I confronted her when sober and she confirmed it. She told him she could have kids, because she knew he would stay with her, if it wasn't her fault she couldn't give him a child.
Anyway, I have told her i feel utterly betrayed by her. That her problem was the age difference and if she couldn't have handled that, she should have ended the relationship rather than puttimg them both through this and lying to her husband.
I haven't told my Dp as he will will tell her ex. But don't know what to do. The ex has said he won't have kids, because it would feel like the ultimate betrayal. He would like them, but gave up that plan because he loved her and she could have them and wouldn't leave her because of it.
I think if he knew that she could have had them, but chose not to he may go on to have is own kids. I feel awful knowing this but don't know wether to tell him, because it could all blow up again.
My Dp would be really upset to find out I knew this but didn't tell him, because it's impacting his friends life.
I really don't know what to do despite being angry at her, I don't want to betray her. I don't want to cause more trouble, but think he should know so he ca make his own decision about kids. Rather than not having them, so he doesn't feel like he is betraying her.