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Original poster

Living with new partner and his 2 children

81 replies

lady11 · 12/02/2019 13:33

Hi
I'd like to run something past everyone as I'm looking for opinions/guidance.
I have recently moved into my new partner's home which he shares with his two children who he has 50% custody of. My partner lives in rented accommodation and my name has not been added to the rent account or bills. He does not claim half of the child benefits - all those benefits are paid solely to the children's' mother. He also has a lot of personal debt. I am not clear on how much I should be contributing in terms of bills and food. As there are three of us in the household (firstly my partner, secondly his two children and thirdly me) is it fair of me to say that I should only contribute 1/3 of the cost of the weekly food bill and household bills or should I be expected to pay half of the food bill and household bills? At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 13:38

How much is the rent, is he paying all this? Sky, tv licence , insurance, etc?

I think yes you paying a third is fair, but it should be a third of th total costs. Which you may well be doing.

So you need to work out the total costs, then what your share is.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/02/2019 13:39

Probably a daft question but how did this not come up before you moved in?

Just add up all outgoings and split down the middle. Much easier. You can hardly expect the children to contribute! The child benefits are irrelevant and between him and the child's mother.

He would have lost his 25% single person's discount on council tax due to you moving in. You need to be added to that or you won't be eligible to vote. How can you be paying the monthly gas and electric bills if your name isn't on them? If you're handing cash directly to him, I would be wary of it disappearing into his debts... (sorry to cast aspersions etc but think you need to protect yourself here).

HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 13:41

At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill.

What does that leave him to pay?

HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 13:43

Just add up all outgoings and split down the middle. Much easier. You can hardly expect the children to contribute!

I’d expect him to pay for kids clothes, food, extra bills etc as he’s their father.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/02/2019 13:47

I’d expect him to pay for kids clothes, food, extra bills etc as he’s their father.

Fair point; I was thinking more about the household bills. Re: food, it depends how old the DC are I suppose. Toddler's don't exactly each much but hulking great teenage boys do. Grin

HerondaleDucks · 12/02/2019 13:49

Ok... So as a step parent that lives with my DP and his 2 children 12 and 13. I pay half the total bills and costs. Why? Because I chose to live with and to marry a man with 2 children and they are my family and responsibility.
Bar the costs of clothes and activities, I would expect to pay half of the household bills.

WinterWife · 12/02/2019 13:53

Completely agree @HerondaleDucks

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 13:55

What does that leave him to pay?

Everything else, rent, Wi-fi, tv, sky, insurance, possible land line, water, normal things really,

Holidayshopping · 12/02/2019 13:56

At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill.

Why and how has this conversation not come up before now?!

NameChangeNugget · 12/02/2019 13:56

Why shouldn’t you pay half?

Nodrama999 · 12/02/2019 13:59

this is a tricky one. Kids really jumble up situations. You move in then you should take on the costs of the children too (I did with my DH) My opinion is you split everything equally in accordance to pay. Because if everything was split 50/50 and one earns £5k more then someone is going to be worse off which isn’t fair. Having said that wouldn’t you want to try and step up a little to clear the debt? If you’ve moved in I’m presuming that your looking long term and debt free for him will lead to a better financial situation for you both

Crystalintheeyes · 12/02/2019 14:04

NameChangeNugget

I’m guessing because she doesn’t see the kids as her responsibility.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 14:31

I would also say as the kids are only there fifty percent of the time, paying half would be fair, or at least forty percent.

Op, just look at total costs, rent, utilities, insurance, Wi-fi, tv, sky, food, council tax, the lot, and then just make a split.

I'd then suggest a joint account, and put your money into this, and have all bills paid from that,

So for example if total costs are 2000 monthly and you pay forty percent, you pay 800 a month into it and he pays 1200. Or just go for the fifty fifty as the kids aren't there permanently and a thousand each.

Original poster
lady11 · 12/02/2019 15:16

Hi
Thank you for your replies. I needed some guidance as I've not been in this situation before and I didn't want to leave myself open to being taken advantage off financially given my partner's current debt situation.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 15:21

Everything else, rent, Wi-fi, tv, sky, insurance, possible land line, water, normal things really,

I was wondering how much that leaves him to pay in terms of £ as it could already be a roughly 2/3rds of the bills.

You move in then you should take on the costs of the children too (I did with my DH) My opinion is you split everything equally in accordance to pay.

I think food/bills/rent or mortgage is one thing and we pay proportionally to income for all of these. I don’t deduct money for DSDs food (although I might if she ate huge amounts of expensive things!), but we don’t include DHs maintenance or DSDs lunch money/school trips etc as joint bills. Much like I don’t include the cost of my horse who I got before meeting DH.

HeckyPeck · 12/02/2019 15:22

Also his debt should come out of his “spare” money and not form part of the calculation.

Quartz2208 · 12/02/2019 15:24

Take the kids (as there half the time) being 1/6 which means you should pay roughly 40%

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 15:25

I needed some guidance as I've not been in this situation before and I didn't want to leave myself open to being taken advantage off financially given my partner's current debt situation

That doesn't sound healthy. If you think he will take advantage of you financially, then why are you moving in with him?

I suspect you aren't being taken advantage of, and may be underpaying your share, but again you both need to do the maths. Depending on how much the rent and everything else is, he could be paying way more than his fair share.

So two surprising things reallly, one this wasn't all agreed before you moved in, and two you think he's the sort who would take advantage of you financially, it doesn't bode well for the future.

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 15:25

Do you fear that he is trying to take advantage of you? Has something set your spidey-senses off?

Spanglyprincess1 · 12/02/2019 15:26

We do 50:50 all household bills. Do morgage/rent, food, gas electric, sky etc. Plus dp pays maintenance, kids clothes , and trips etc.
The tricky one is family holidays as it's represents a huge costs and we haven't negotiated that yet!

DontCallMeDaisy · 12/02/2019 16:13

DD is 7 and is very active so goes to a lot of clubs, eats like a 20 stone adult male would and seems to walk downstairs every morning having grown to big for another pair of pyjamas overnight.

Ex pays minimum child support and when DP moved in I lost both my tax credits and single person discount. I do get the 80 child benefit though. I suggested he pay a third when he moved in as I wasnt sure how it should work either.

He told me not to be silly and thats not what he'd signed up for. By that point he already knew DD really well and loved her to bits.

We earn around the same crap wage so go 50/50 on all household expenses. I tend to cover all the cost of clubs and clothes but when I'm skint DP voluntarily hands me the money for a term's fee if its due. The other day they went to the supermarket and came back with some nice tshirt and a jumper she'd seen that she liked.

We're a little family unit and to me, thats how it should work. After my divorce and moving house, I've accrewed quite a lot of debt too. DP knows thats why I dont have much spare cash but doesnt resent it.

I dont think you sound 'all in' - sorry hate that phrase. You absolutely shouldnt be taken advantage of and are doing the right thing in making sure your not but did you move in too soon? I think when children are involved you should really be committing to being a family unit before taking that step.

Original poster
lady11 · 12/02/2019 19:53

Things have happened which have led me to question what would be fair for me to be financially responsible for in the relationship. During the first week when I had paid for the weekly shop I said I wanted a bag of crisps and he said to me "oh the kids might want them crisps later on in the week" so that made me feel like he's happy for me to pay for the weekly shop for all 4 of us but then I'm limited in what I can eat just in case the kids might want that when they are next with us.

OP posts:
CJ357119 · 12/02/2019 20:31

I’d be extremely wary of being with anyone who has lots of debt. Is there a good reason why he is in so much debt?

StepMuggins · 12/02/2019 20:39

DSC stay here 60% of the time. Admittedly that means that the Child Benefit is paid to this house rather than their DM but we have a joint account so everything goes in that and comes out of that.

I understand your hesitation with his debt though, the children are one thing but I wouldn’t want to be paying off his debt. I think your DP should pay that. Although it would mean your contribution to the pot may be bigger. So no way to win really!

StepMuggins · 12/02/2019 20:45

I’d be livid if I couldn’t have a packet of crisps though! If you were necking a multipack that was bought for packed lunches or something I’d get it but you can’t preempt them wanting food!

FWIW, I do two smaller food shops - one at the beginning of the week with all packed lunch/family meal stuff and then I do one when DSC are back with their DM - topping up the milk and evening meal stuff that is just enough for the two of us.

It’s a mine field!