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Relationships

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Original poster

Living with new partner and his 2 children

81 replies

lady11 · 12/02/2019 13:33

Hi
I'd like to run something past everyone as I'm looking for opinions/guidance.
I have recently moved into my new partner's home which he shares with his two children who he has 50% custody of. My partner lives in rented accommodation and my name has not been added to the rent account or bills. He does not claim half of the child benefits - all those benefits are paid solely to the children's' mother. He also has a lot of personal debt. I am not clear on how much I should be contributing in terms of bills and food. As there are three of us in the household (firstly my partner, secondly his two children and thirdly me) is it fair of me to say that I should only contribute 1/3 of the cost of the weekly food bill and household bills or should I be expected to pay half of the food bill and household bills? At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 12/02/2019 20:57

You did eat your crisps anyway didn't you?

Why does he have debts?

Bekabeech · 12/02/2019 21:29

I'd be looking for somewhere else to live. It just doesn't sound like he's respecting you.

Bluntness100 · 12/02/2019 22:45

Surely if you're buying the food though you would just say it's not a problem, i will replace them? It sounds like he didn't think you would.

I don't see the issue unless you're paying more than he is. But looking at what you pay, and what he pays for, I'd say there is a high chance he pays quite a bit more than you. You're living rent free for example.

You need to do thr maths. Add all the bills up, then do a forty sixty split or whatever, and then as said, put your share into thr joint account then no one needs to worry that enough food has been purchased to satisfy everyone, crisps or otherwise, as the shopping bill will come out of that account.

bethy15 · 12/02/2019 23:47

How much is the rent? Because it sounds to me as if you will be paying the majority of the bills here.

Have you not discussed what would be a fair split? Did he just assign you certain bills?

What rights do you have too? You're contributing a lot here, but what if it should end? What will you be left with?

Ensure your own financial safety above all else.

I can't believe he didn't want you to eat one packet of crisps in case the children MIGHT want them! That's hardly sharing, is it?

AutumnCrow · 13/02/2019 00:03

I think the parable of the crisps is that you moved in too soon. And tbh I think you need to be reappraising this relationship.

HollowTalk · 13/02/2019 00:07

I'd dump him for saying "them crisps"

Interesting that he's paying rent, so he'll get to stay if you split up, where you're paying for the other bills...

Are you worse off now than when you were living alone?

And eat the bloody crisps and tell him to go buy some more - he's a really cheeky bastard.

AdaColeman · 13/02/2019 00:09

It would depend on what you both earn to some extent? Do you earn similar amounts or is one a much higher earner? I wouldn’t think a 50:50 split would necessarily be fair.

I’d say you need to see a full breakdown of all household expenses including for the children, and he should pay the bulk of their costs certainly for the time being.

What is he doing to reduce his debts?

I’d be wary of anyone telling me what I could or couldn’t eat from food I’d paid for myself. Is he controlling in other ways?

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 07:08

How ,inch the rent is is a key question, as is how much is the other bills he is playing, like water, insurance, sky, tv, Wi-fi etc, v how much you are paying for food electric, gas and council tax.

Either way, for relationship where you've just moved in together and should be happy you don't sound remotely happy.

You do sound like you resent paying for all the food, and I think it's a ludicrôus way to split the bills, but unless you explain the total household expenses it's hard to tell if it's fair, if he's being financiallly abusive or if in fact you are.

Original poster

lady11 · 13/02/2019 07:36

He pays rent which is £90 a week, water which is £10 a week, sky which is £22 a week and TV licence which is £6 a week. No insurance in place. He has debts because when he was with his ex they bought a lot on HP then when she left him she basically took all the furniture and household appliances with her. He was skint so bought things with various credit cards and took out a loan. That was 2 and s half years ago. He owes around £10,000 in total. He is only paying the minimum amounts on his cards each month and some months he misses those payments so he gets charged late payment fees. Since I moved in I've bought a dryer, paid for decorating and installed 2 radiators. I've also took him and his kids to Spain for a week - my decision to do that

OP posts:

bethy15 · 13/02/2019 08:14

So you are clearly paying a lot more, if you're paying a full shop each week for four people, that adds up. Plus big bills of gas and electric and council tax.

Did he just give these bills to you and ask you to pick up the shopping too?
It must be a huge budget difference having lived just you to suddenly be shopping for four people?

Dear lord, just read he doesn't always make the repayments, but you've been moved in and bought a dryer, paying for decorating and taking them all to Spain.
He's getting a lot out of this, what are you getting? What if it ends, what will you be left with? He seems to be in a much better position compared to before you were moved in.

pissedonatrain · 13/02/2019 08:34

How long have you known him?

How much have you paid so far since you've moved in? the weekly shopping, gas, electric, council, dryer, decorating, etc.?

IamFrauBlucher · 13/02/2019 08:47

Why are you paying for radiators in a rented house?

Bluntness100 · 13/02/2019 08:56

Ok, that's very cheap rent for a house. But if this is the numbers, then yes, he is taking the piss op, I'm sorry.

sansou · 13/02/2019 09:21

Him You
Rent :90 Food: 80?
Water : 10 Gas : 10?
Sky : 22 Council Tax : 30?
TV License : 6 Electric : 10?

I had to guestimate your weekly costs. I don't think that it looks that bad - it's approximately half the living costs. Don't you want to split the living costs in half? Or do you resent paying for groceries/increased utility bills for his kids?

It's unlikely to be cheaper living by yourself. Moving in with someone (with "baggage") shouldn't be done with eyes closed. It's a commitment to being a step parent/joining a premade family unit even if you're not married.. If you're not up for that, maybe you should reappraise your decision to move in.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2019 09:31

I wanted a bag of crisps and he said to me "oh the kids might want them crisps later on in the week"

So why can't HE buy his kids some more crisps later in the week?

Also questioning why you are buying radiators for a rental property, surely the landlord should be paying that?

I'm worried he sees you as a cash cow.

Spanglyprincess1 · 13/02/2019 09:35

My dp said this once about coissants. Kids had already had them that morning and I ate two myself. Next morning he mained as non left - he got very very short shrift over it and hasn't dared do it again.
Maybe a more blunt approach?

Butterymuffin · 13/02/2019 09:53

I'm surprised so many people seem to think OP is getting a good deal here. Living on your own is expensive but she's shouldering extra costs here that really should be his, plus doing the wifework. I'd be interested to see what he bought if she asked him to get the weekly shop this time.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 13/02/2019 11:09

How long have you been together to be calling him your ‘new partner’ yet you’ve also moved in together?

He pays rent which is £90 a week, water which is £10 a week, sky which is £22 a week and TV licence which is £6 a week

Here is a man who owes £10k in debt (which will take YEARS to clear, if he ever does) yet is happy to pay £88 per month for Sky.

What have you got yourself into OP

Bacciferous · 13/02/2019 11:42

I also think £88 a month for sky is stupid, that should be paid to a debt.

When I moved in with my partner she lost benefits, I pay more than she does towards household bill because I get paid more. It's fair and was discussed before I moved in.

We also have her children 50% of the time. I don't have any children of my own. As I see it we are a family. We are both financially worse off in living together.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. Do you see yourself as part of the family? With a family income? You definitely need a sit down

Snuggz · 13/02/2019 12:24

Why did you move in without discussing ANY of this?
You both sound immature and as bad as each other
This relationship is doomed to fail. Neither of you appear to want to discuss adult things and yet there are 2 kids thrown into the mix as well!
He is in a lot of debt. You are the new bank. Be prepared to be drained of all resources.
You will start harbouring feelings of resentment because he will never be able to afford to do normal ‘couple’ things such as go out for a dinner or cinema etc. as every spare penny will go to the kids first or need to be thrown at the debt. If you want to do anything, see point 4.

Sounds like you are in a shit few years/decades of being poor and being a mug. Good luck with that situation unless you end the relationship sooner rather than later.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 13/02/2019 15:03

He cannot claim half of child benefit as only one parent can receive the Child Benefit payment it can not be split 50/50 even in the case of shared custody. In some cases one parent claims for one child and the other parent claims for the other child but this is usually decided at the time of separation.

I would be wary of moving in with anybody who has financial difficulties and is not trying to be proactive in clearing their debt (ie consolidating it or government legislated IVA agreement). Missing payments is only going to make the situation worse and £88 per month for sky is an unnecessary luxury that he cannot afford.

If you really don't want to move out then the pair of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation on budgeting and what expectations each of you have.

If you contribute towards specific bills then these bills should be in your name and I would check that he has actually declared you as living there officially as his landlord may be unaware and so may the council tax.

HeckyPeck · 13/02/2019 15:29

It sounds like he sees you as a cash cow OP.

I’d be thinking about moving on.

Step parenting is hard and that’s without having a partner in thousands of pounds of debt, who’s had his living costs more than halved since you moved in, yet is still missing payments.

Don’t be his gravy train OP.

noenergy · 13/02/2019 15:37

You couldn't have a packet of crisps and they weren't even there??? Different if they were needed to pack lunch the next day, but they weren't even there!!!

U seem to be spending so much!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 13/02/2019 16:03

Op what kind of a life are you going to have with his debts hanging round you for years? I predict this is going to cause a massive strain on your relationship unless you do all the paying....I would advise you to look after your own financial security.Until he sorts himself out he hasnt much to offer you yet you seem to have plenty to offer him....its a tough one.Not suggesting he isnt a good guy and just going through a bad time money wise but I would be wary,

Adora10 · 13/02/2019 18:20

He pulled you up for eating crisps that you bought when his kids were not even there??? That should tell you everything.

You’re not on the lease and you are not married so effectively a lodger so no you should not be paying for his kids! Sounds like you’re over paying and some of the responses here are bonkers 😂

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