Living with new partner and his 2 children

[lady11]

Hi
I'd like to run something past everyone as I'm looking for opinions/guidance.
I have recently moved into my new partner's home which he shares with his two children who he has 50% custody of. My partner lives in rented accommodation and my name has not been added to the rent account or bills. He does not claim half of the child benefits - all those benefits are paid solely to the children's' mother. He also has a lot of personal debt. I am not clear on how much I should be contributing in terms of bills and food. As there are three of us in the household (firstly my partner, secondly his two children and thirdly me) is it fair of me to say that I should only contribute 1/3 of the cost of the weekly food bill and household bills or should I be expected to pay half of the food bill and household bills? At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill.

No you’re not responsible for paying for his kids. Of course you aren’t. They have parents and that is their responsibility, not yours. I’m not saying you should never treat them but to take on paying for someone else’s kids when they have two parents who are perfectly capable of doing that is nuts. Adding up all the costs and then splitting it 40-60 sounds about right, but you’re not on the tenancy, you’re not married and he can kick you out whenever he wants. Are you Doing the cooking and cleaning for the kids while they’re with you? I’m not saying he isn’t a great guy, but I think you need to be careful he doesn’t take advantage of you.

Those numbers are mad. We pay £18 a month for water, £12 a month for tv license, £6.99 a month for Netflix and £30 a month for broadband.

Why isn’t he paying his minimum debt payments a month? Why is he still spending beyond his means on stuff he doesn’t need? Why is he paying for decorating and radiators on a rental?

The whole thing is mad. It’s not going to end well. Financially he’s incredibly immature and he’ll drag you down with him.

The crisis thing is small in one way but hugely significant in another.

He pays rent which is £90 a week, water which is £10 a week, sky which is £22 a week and TV licence which is £6 a week
So he's allegedly paying out around £500 a month?
Yet that excludes CT, utilities and food?

I think you need to see the actual bills and rent statements for yourself OP to be on the sure side because some of those numbers don't sound right to me.
I pay roughly £600 pm for essentials - rent, bills (incl my £5 mobile) and food....and i live on my own with 2 cats!
You're a family of 4 so your basics (excl Sky) will be higher.
The only basic he pays is the rent whilst you pay the rest - does that sound fair to you?
It doesn't to me.

I suggest you each pay 50% of the total bill for essentials - rent, utilities, CT and food.
You chose to move in with a partner who has kids, he's lost his 25% CT discount and costs have increased - you can't expect to just pay 1/4 of essential bills/only for yourself - that takes the piss.
Luxuries like Sky need to be reconsidered and you can find a cheaper package.

I don't think he's being honest about the actual costs he's paying and so your fears about being taken advantage of may well be correct....

From my experience -
Rent - is usually calculated per calendar month so you pay a fixed amount each month. £350 per month is what i pay for a one bedroom place.
So £360 rent for a family home doesn't sound right....even if it was a slum landlord....

Water rates - mine have always been included in the rent, now it's included in my CT so i can't really comment on this.

Utilities - When i was on a prepayment meter it was £10 per week each for gas and electric for basic use. I lived on my own and was out at work all day.
A family of 4 will use a lot more....

Council tax - he will have lost his 25% single person rebate when you moved in. How much is the total monthly CT bill? I'm one band up from the cheapest and mine is around £100 a month with my discount....

Tv licence - don't own a TV.

Food - i'm single and live alone so it's cheap.
How much do you pay per week - incl when the dc are there?

Sky - £80 odd a month is INSANE!
I pay £20 a month for unlimited broadband and watch all my tv/movies via my internet. I use a site similar to Netflix but it's free so i don't even have to pay a subscription.
All the latest stuff is uploaded on there.
I also don't pay a TV licence because i only watch catch-ups when i get in from work.

Living on my own, i pay around £600 pm to cover my basics.
If a bf moved in, i'd lose my CT discount but it would work out cheaper for me as i'd be paying 50% instead of my current 75%.

Your bf earns £1500 a month?
Pays £500 a month so has £1k leftover....yet defaults on his minimum debt repayments and can't afford household items - so where's the other £1k going?

All this - and bearing in mind his comment regarding the crisps - i think he's using you to subsidise his lifestyle and expenses.

I don't understand the 10k debt. Getting the basics for his new place shouldn't have cost that much.

I don't understand where you were going with the whole ex and HP thing either? Are you saying he's 10k in debt partly because he had to keep paying off the furniture expenses even though his ex is getting the use of them? Why were they on HP in the first place? Has he left her saddled with that debt now? It does sound like he is spectacularly shit with money and regards loans as free money gifts.

Sounds like you might be a cash cow. The numbers he's given you are rubbish. How come you've not sat down with the bills together to work out a proper fair budget? How can his rent ever possibly be £90 a week, that's crazy!

You need to get all the bills out (the actual bits of paper) add them all up together. Its entirely up to you whether you decide to finance his DC, they are his responsibility, he should be paying for their home, their heating and water, and definitely their food, WiFi, phones etc. You just pay for you, until you've been together long enough to know where its going and whether its working out for all.

I don't understand why this hasn't happened? Are you sure he's not getting the DC benefits? As it would make sense then!

low rent and tenants decorating - sounds like it could be a council or housing association property

Agree that Sky package is a bad idea with those debts. Can it be reduced to just the broadband?

We have a 3 bed council house and our rent is 95 a week... So 90 a week is totally realistic if it's a council property!!

Agree with all the previous posters in this - something’s wrong here not least his attitude to paying off debt. It’s a small thing but if he’s on a weekly plan for TV licence that’s costing double what it would on a monthly direct debit. He’s never going to get out of debt if he can’t manage things like this.

Actually a pp got it right,

Him You
Rent :90 Food: 80?
Water : 10 Gas : 10?
Sky : 22 Council Tax : 30?
TV License : 6 Electric : 10?"

And if you lower the food bill slightly, it could well be a 50/50 split.

So it may not be the case the op is paying far more than him, it could easily be fairly equal.

I'd think it depends on your earnings, and future plans, if you're planning on staying together and getting married or whatever, life partners, and if you earn say £50k and him £30k then I'd be inclined to pay half and give him a chance to pay off his debts and save some to put down on a mortgage foe you both,
If you earn 30k and him 50k then I'd be thinking 2/3rds him

I'd be inclined to pay half and give him a chance to pay off his debts

He earns £1500 and only pays £500 towards things since OP moved in, but is still missing debt payments. He sounds irresponsible with money.

At the moment I am paying the entire weekly food bill for us all plus the monthly gas bill, monthly electricity bill and monthly council tax bill

No decent man would allow you to do that, in the 1st instance.

You've moved in with someone who has big debts, lets you pay mostly all bills, and presumably when the DCs are there you're involved in childcare and activities too.

All sounds hard work and not worth it really. Date a man like that if you want to but upping and moving in with him isn't beneficial.

What do you both earn (sorry if it's been mentioned already)

You both sound a bit daft (sorry) but you should have discussed this before.

@Spanglyprincess1 well done for spotting the family holiday thing coming!!

I DIDNT. I moved in with my DP and his 3 DCs. Three! Three makes for a pricey holiday. I went 50:50 on everything except maintenance. Even though he was the higher earner (even after paying maintenance, his net financial position has always been higher than mine).

I didn’t see it coming. I willingly handed over 50% of the cost of our first modest caravan holiday.

Years on, I see it now. I love the SDCs, but it is making me increasingly resentful that I subsidise his DCs. He knows I spent the last year struggling for money and paying off debts that had crept up on me, but still we’re at 50:50.

Today, he’s off to buy himself a new car.

Why are people not jumping on the fact that the guy has racked up 10k of debt, is only paying the minimum payments towards it and sometimes doesn't even make those, so he gets slapped with late payment fees (and his credit history is probably shot to hell now)? That is the biggest red flag here and and indicative of a terrible attitude to money, which means that I wouldn't trust any other money based decision he makes either! No wonder you're feeling uneasy and as though you may be being taken for a ride financially.

If you split up, would you become homeless or do you have somewhere you can go if this all goes tits up? I'd avoid sinking any more money into the house as it (and the relationship) doesn't sound a very stable long term prospect. How long have you been together and how long did you wait before moving in with him? Do you feel like you really know him?

BobLemon - I hope you have addressed that now! It's a minefield and you end up feeling mean esp as me and do have one DC together plus his three DSC.
I'm happy to take me and ds away just us two as he's tiny so in term time = cheap . But dp objects to feeling excluded but then we can't afford to go in term time and I'm not paying for the whole thing for a fmaily of six. Nightmare

Years on, I see it now. I love the SDCs, but it is making me increasingly resentful that I subsidise his DCs. He knows I spent the last year struggling for money and paying off debts that had crept up on me, but still we’re at 50:50

That’s awful. I couldn’t treat my partner that way. Living it up whilst they’re struggling.

Can you tell him you’re not paying 50:50 anymore and that paying proportionately to earnings/having the same “fun money” would be fairer ways.

If he didn’t agree, I don’t think I could love or respect someone who would willingly leave me short while they had bags of cash.

Part of the problem with all of this is we equate being fair with being equal and whereas for the most part they do go hand in hand they are not mutually exclusive
Remove the need to be equal and focus on what is fair - including taking your DS away at term time

Fair and equal are not the same thing tbf but also belmded families get political. I'd personally if I had no kids myself be happy for do to pay and take his kids away for a.week in school holiday and then for.us to go away as a.couple in term time. Could you do this?
It also is way harder to get leave off.work in school holidays so it would mean less stress for.you plus gets rid of the 50:50 costs split for.fmaily holiday.
Hoenstly, in regard to rest of bills I agree if be more concerned around perosn debt. My dp.had debt but has cleared it since we sat down and discussed budgets etc.

I would not be supporting his DC, end of. He has to financially support his DC. How will you ever know why you are there if not! If he can't afford for his DC to go on a holiday for instance, he shouldn't be expecting someone else to

If you go out for a meal, it should be split 5 ways, and you pay a fifth, this will leave you with some of your own money, and you are paying for yourself.

He's not allowed to sublet, so unless your name is on the tenancy you shouldn't be paying rent either, and if you buy crisps then you blooming well eat them! CF!

Make absolutely sure that you don’t end up getting pregnant with him.

You say new partner. How long have you been together?

i've been with him 7 months but knew him years ago when we were younger