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Original poster

Do I marry him...... 28 days and counting

80 replies

gemmajfk · 07/02/2019 22:13

OK so this has the potential to be super long but I just don't know what to do!
Been with partner 2 years, we have a son 5 months old and he has a girl from previous and I have 2 from previous. We live together, life, kids, house, cars, the works.....

So after being together only 6 months (we had already moved in, talked about trying for baby) I found out he had been cheating, all online chatting, photos, videos, watching lots of porn and paying online for it.... also went to sex party Confused didn't join in as such but wanted the trill. All of the above was about the thrill. He stopped. He says. Fast forward 18 months we have a 5 month old and due to get married in 4 weeks.

I love him dearly. More than I have ever loved anyone. Taking away the above, he truly is perfect. I do truly love him and we have the best time and relationship together.

BUT he's cheated in every girlfriend he's had, no long term GF over 5 years and all ended badly with him fucking it up.

He swears he's over being a twat and won't to be ever again, he says some of the nicest things. As you can imagine my self confidence is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.

Can I marry a man who I think might cheat on me?
I love him so desperately much it's unreal but I can't be hurt by him again, I can't take it.
He's adamant he won't ever hurt me again or cheat but his past is horrendous.....

What can I do?????

OP posts:
NewAndImprovedNorks · 07/02/2019 22:14

Well, it’s not looking good is it?

Merchantgirl · 07/02/2019 22:16

Don't marry him! He can't be trusted and at the very least put the wedding on hold until you can be clear on what you want to do.

ReaganSomerset · 07/02/2019 22:17

Well, presuming you're going to split down the line, do you stand to lose more if you're married, or would it offer you more protection in the event of a split?

Felicia4 · 07/02/2019 22:17

If you have to ask yourself or others if you should be getting married this close to the day, then you shouldn't be getting married. At this point you should be sure.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 07/02/2019 22:17

Oh god it doesn’t look great....

Are you financially independent? If so I’d probably bail...
But with a child marriage offers a lot of security (even if it, sadly, does goes wrong)

Whatever I did I’d be doubling up on contraception though

Hugs and Flowers

sweetmarie · 07/02/2019 22:18

God no don't marry him

C0untDucku1a · 07/02/2019 22:18

I can’t be hurt by him again.

Again.

What do you want to do?

Waterlemon · 07/02/2019 22:18

The fact that you need to ask that question is usually not a good sign!

PookieDo · 07/02/2019 22:20

I really got stuck on that you already lived with him after 6 months
You don’t know him as well as you think you do. He is one giant red flag who has already shit all over you and your DD when he was supposed to have committed to you

The issue is that I imagine after 6 months and him already living with you, you felt cornered into forgiving him so you didn’t have egg on your face and didn’t have to unpick the mess you had got into. Now you have a baby with him, don’t trust him, feel shit about yourself and trapped

Just because he can be lovely and you don’t want to admit he’s a mistake doesn’t mean you should marry him

But if you do marry him, I suggest some form of heavy duty marriage counselling. I can’t think of anything else that would help you TBH

EarringsandLipstick · 07/02/2019 22:20

‘Taking away the above, he truly is perfect’

But you CAN’T take away what he’s done. So soon into your relationship he did all this; breached your trust so badly.

(Side note: I can’t get over how quickly you progressed your relationship - 6 months & you are living together & talking about having a baby 🤷🏻‍♀️ But that’s not relevant now)

You need to put the brakes on this. Deal with his past and his infidelity. Personally I don’t see a future, the fact you say you’ve no self-worth is so sad and means you are in no position to make a decision like this.

Wait and see at least. Talk to him. Take control.

rvby · 07/02/2019 22:21

Look, hes been crystal clear about what hes capable of. His actions are loud and clear.

Talk is the cheapest thing of all.

You need to take accountability here. Your eyes are open. Are you going to walk into this situation despite what's staring you in the face?

Mommaof2x · 07/02/2019 22:21

You should have just stayed with him if that’s what you wanted but not got engaged
As it’s just promises and paper but which also tie you down and are hard to get out of

If the financial loss of this wedding fee isn’t too much I would lose it, if it’s £30000 and you will lose your deposits and marry him in the future anyway then do it

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2019 22:22

Christ no don’t marry this man. You will feel that sense of worthless permanently if you do - the insecurity and the unease. It’s totally fucking unfair he is doing the “I’m nice now, I’ll never do it again, I want you’’ schtick - he’s emotionally blackmailing you and appealing to the part of you that just wants desperately for everything to be ok.

But it won’t be. You could have a wonderful happy single life or with a new partner. Don’t sell yourself so short. Don’t choose unhappiness.

Lemonysherbet · 07/02/2019 22:22

If I were in your position what would you tell me to do?

Also a good list helps. Write out some pros and cons. Only you can decide. Doubts are natural, especially if you're an overthinker like me

Drogosnextwife · 07/02/2019 22:22

OP you are going to spend your whole married life waiting for him to cheat or waiting to find out he has been cheating. Is that what you want? I know I couldn't live like that.

pictish · 07/02/2019 22:23

I can see why this is such a dilemma for you.
I think it’s likely he’ll fall by the wayside at some point. I’m a cynical, untrusting bag though. I generally find that people stay true to their foibles.

Pomello · 07/02/2019 22:23

Don't marry him. You'll spend your life feeling that you lack the potential to THRILL somebody and that will erode you, erase you.

It's his issue. He meanwhile will not be feeling inadequate that he's not great husband material. Oh no. He won't feel bad that he's just one man. And that he's no novelty to you.

Mommaof2x · 07/02/2019 22:32

Yeh you shouldn’t do it

VenusStarr · 07/02/2019 22:37

Can I marry a man who I think might cheat on me?

He already did Confused

rumred · 07/02/2019 22:41

Action speaks louder than words. His do too

LincolnOceanVictorEdward · 07/02/2019 22:47

The fact you have to ask the question should tell you what you need to do. You would be mad to marry this guy.

ApolloandDaphne · 07/02/2019 22:51

It has all moved a bit fast has it not? I would have walked after the first 6 months. Please don't marry him. If you do you will be in for a lifetime of misery.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 07/02/2019 22:52

I’ve never really understood why people use “but I love him so much” as a reason to stay with somebody who has done wrong to them. I know it makes it harder to listen to your head over your heart but sometimes loving someone just isn’t enough.

Based on what you have posted, dont marry this man.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2019 22:57

This ^

You can say “but I love him” alongside all kinds of dreadful behaviour.

Violence? “but I love him”

Runs up horrendous debts and ruins your futures? “but I love him”

Cheats and has cheated on every single partner he’s ever had? “but I love him”

It’s not a reason to put up with things which destroy your happiness.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/02/2019 23:01

A man will show you who he is not tell you who he is. He has shown you in so many ways already and you've only been together 2 years.

"online chatting, photos, videos, watching lots of porn and paying online for it.... also went to sex party"

"BUT he's cheated in every girlfriend he's had, no long term GF over 5 years and all ended badly with him fucking it up"

Please don't marry him. He won't change a habit of a life time and he'll do it again as soon as he believes he can get away with it.

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