Do I marry him...... 28 days and counting

[gemmajfk]

OK so this has the potential to be super long but I just don't know what to do!
Been with partner 2 years, we have a son 5 months old and he has a girl from previous and I have 2 from previous. We live together, life, kids, house, cars, the works.....

So after being together only 6 months (we had already moved in, talked about trying for baby) I found out he had been cheating, all online chatting, photos, videos, watching lots of porn and paying online for it.... also went to sex party didn't join in as such but wanted the trill. All of the above was about the thrill. He stopped. He says. Fast forward 18 months we have a 5 month old and due to get married in 4 weeks.

I love him dearly. More than I have ever loved anyone. Taking away the above, he truly is perfect. I do truly love him and we have the best time and relationship together.

BUT he's cheated in every girlfriend he's had, no long term GF over 5 years and all ended badly with him fucking it up.

He swears he's over being a twat and won't to be ever again, he says some of the nicest things. As you can imagine my self confidence is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.

Can I marry a man who I think might cheat on me?
I love him so desperately much it's unreal but I can't be hurt by him again, I can't take it.
He's adamant he won't ever hurt me again or cheat but his past is horrendous.....

What can I do?????

Don’t marry him.

My ex cheated on every girl he was with guess what he did it to me regardless that we had a child together. Leave before you’re married you will be forever looking over his shoulder

Despite what he says, or may say, he's really not going to change, just think when life gets a little humdrum he is going to be thrill seeking isn't he, and you will be the one hurting.

Marry him if he’s loaded. If he’s skint then don’t

Has he physically cheated on you? I watch porn - holy fuck I said it a girl that watches porn! I have a couple of views on this my ex cheated on me and then went on to live happily ever after with a bird that is my spitting image yet skinnier :( my current partner and father to my children is an absolute knob to me but he's father of the year and we have a everything we need when we are with him. I hate him most of the time, he is a drunk, suicidal at times and depressed - random since being depressed he has a major fixation on sex and buys all sorts of random sex toys thinking I may want it more - I'd rather openly have sex with a carrot in the middle of the local pub lol. I stay as I have nothing financially AT THE MOMENT and so I sacrifice my happiness for my children to be safe and well looked after in comfort for now. I've been where you have with a man that watched porn and as much as it horrifies some people a huge majority of men do and a massive amount of women do to but they will deny it.I found chatroom content that horrified me and I felt sick to my stomach but I loved him with all my heart. What I'm trying to say is porn isn't that bad, 50 shades which we all love is borderline it's just men that need more jugs and fanny than us ladies do x

If you trust him, marry him.
If you don't trust him, this could eat away at your relationship either way, whether he does go on to cheat on you or not.
I couldn't be with someone I don't trust. If he makes you happy and you have no reason to doubt him when he says it's you and nobody else, then go ahead.
If you're doubting whether he's faithful then it's not a matter of marriage it's more do you want to be with someone you don't trust in the first place?

There's no way of knowing for sure and only you can make the right choice for you.

Could you postpone the wedding until you've worked through this??

Trust is so important. It's hard to gain but easy to lose.

You know the answer, deep down.

If he's truly done cheating, I'd ask him how he feels about signing a prenup with an infidelity clause. You get 70% of the assets if he cheats (and vice versa)...

Many will say it's not enforceable.... but his reaction to the suggestion would be the main thing for me.

His track record isn't good..I'd also want full transparency...no unknown phone passwords.. because he's proven himself untrustworthy.

The worst parts are paying for the porn and going to the sex party.

Somehow I'm not sure one woman will ever be enough for him. Him seeking a thrill so early in your relationship isn't promising.

I'd be surprised if he never cheated again from what you've said.

He has a hideous past? But you still got with him knowing this, and moved him in after six months.

He cheated, watched porn... you still confined to try for a baby and conceived.

He proposed... you accepted.

You have planned a wedding and a life together.

Look, I’m not saying this is your fault, but you’ve had many opportunity’s to slow things down, or end it.

Dealing with the “current” circumstances, if you don’t trust him you don’t have a future. If he’s not changed, after you have forgiven him, then you don’t have a future. As PP said communication is the best thing. Find your inner self, if your trapped get out, don’t add to the list of opportunities you’ve chosen to forgive / ignore.

People can change if they want to. You already have a child with him so .... Won't you feel sad trotting down the aisle with him with so much uncertainty? Postpone, if he still hasn't cheated in a couple of years you can feel better about marrying him.

Run like the fucking wind!

He's a serial cheat and a thrill seeker....

This is a deeply engrained pattern of behaviour...You've been warned!

You'd take him back if he did hurt you again because you did the first time on all those occasions so yes you can marry him but you'll be living with trust issues.

I just don’t understand.
Did you not think about these questions before deciding to have a child with him?
Why is having kids with someone not quite good enough is considered so lightly - but marriage is this big deal?
I’d say somethingn is off in that list of important decisions....
As to the actual cheating potential. Most men women marry have that potential. Many women too.
So - marriage is a bet.

However - now that you have a lifelong connection to him anyway - you might as well get the benefits of the financial security for you and your child - that come with marriage.

"So after being together only 6 months (we had already moved in, talked about trying for baby)" ffs! WHY do people do this?! It's ridiculous! It's WAY too fast ESPECIALLY when there's children involved!

"I love him dearly. More than I have ever loved anyone" geez! You barely know him! What exactly do you love? He's an irresponsible, cheating arse!

I hope you had full sti screening before continuing to ttc? Although tbh I think you should be telling your midwife you're at risk of them.

"he says some of the nicest things" talk is cheap! Actions are what count.

"Well, presuming you're going to split down the line, do you stand to lose more if you're married, or would it offer you more protection in the event of a split?" Excellent point. Are you working? Do you have a legal claim to your home?

LOVE doesn't hurt. A GOOD relationship doesn't cause you constant emotional pain and doubt.

"Marry him if he’s loaded. If he’s skint then don’t" 😂😂😂

"If he's truly done cheating, I'd ask him how he feels about signing a prenup with an infidelity clause. You get 70% of the assets if he cheats (and vice versa)..." Love it! May even steal this idea for similar threads!

In all seriousness, I'll say it again

LOVE DOESN'T HURT

HE isn't loving YOU it doesn't matter that you love him, HE doesn't love you (whatever he says).

Because people that love you DON'T hurt you deliberately, continually and consciously and that includes spiritually/emotionally. They don't take actions they KNOW will cause you pain!

Repeated infidelity IS abuse.

Dump the loser and PLEASE PLEASE get therapy BEFORE you even consider another relationship.

Not just for your own sake but for your DC too.

He's "perfect", aside from being a serial cheater of course, and you love him soooo much.

Really? You enjoy being a glutton for punishment? You REALLY don't know how badly this will all turn out? If you refuse to learn from history and enjoy being miserable, then by all means, marry him.

If you marry him it won’t end well.

Why did you move this relationship on so quickly? For some reason you keep expecting him to be someone different than who he is.

At some point you do have to stop making poor decisions and marrying this man would be levelling up on a poor decision.

You can marry him but fully expect to be on here in 6mths/ year or sooner after finding out he's still addicted to porn, visited more sex party's, worse still, cheating and risking you for stds, with your self esteem shot to shit. You know it's going to end this way.

You’re already connected to him forever because of your dd.

Like pp, I’d do what would be best for your long term financial security in the event of a split.

If the assets are in your name I wouldn’t marry him, you don’t to have to hand over half if he cheats on you.

Why on earth did you have a kid with him?
I can't understand why women collect kids from out of wedlock relationships to cheaters/losers.

Go abroad, take the vaccinations and don't bring back any souvenirs!

You moved in after 6 months and had a child with him. That's already done so you can't take it back but honestly, why would you rush into something so quick without thinking about your existing children? Makes me so mad.

You're stuck with him in your life anyway now you have a child.

FWIW I married someone that I was unsure about (big mistake) and we divorced 2 years later.

You say you love him. It's clear that he doesn't love you though. Not enough to be faithful. Based on that alone, no way would I have considered marriage let alone arranged a wedding. Come on OP wise up.

Of course he wants marriage. He probably has nothing to lose and if you are this attached without it, he is seeing you as a soft touch for the rest of his life ie. he can come and go as he pleases like a tomcat and still get fed and cared for at home and you will stick with him on the thinnest of reasons.

Show some strength of personality and say no to marriage. If he is still around and faithful after five years I would consider it then maybe?

Both me and dh had been married before.
Trust needs to be earned.
Our son was almost 3 when we got married.
I felt that was when I was ready.
Been married over 20 years now :)

Also you need to focus on you.
You seem to be focusing all your self esteem on what your dp had 'done' in the past.

No one person can dictate how you feel about you.
Appreciate your good qualities.
Start to believe in you because you are beautiful, strong woman - regardless of anyone else.
Be the best you, you can be for yourself.

The past is the past.

Looking at porn is just looking.
All men look because they are visual creatures.

Woman are not - dick pic anyone? No - thought not.

Even the biggest playboy will settle down with the right woman.

Here's the thing for me in all of these type of threads

How can you desperately love someone , who is so obviously not who you truly want?

How?

I'd say you love the idea of who you think he might be able to be. But that's not who he is, is it?

So you don't desperately love HIM do you?

You desperately love a figment of your imagination. You love a hope.

It makes no sense to me when people try to fool themselves that their DP will change.

Most times they won't

Fact

“Even the biggest playboy will settle down with the right woman.”
What a load of crap. Not true except in romantic comedies.

I do agree with other posters OP...what was the big rush to move in and make babies when you were barely into a relationship with him and had children to consider?
“It just felt right” is usually the answer when this pops up. You know what feels even more right? Being responsible and putting your children before your new relationship. Taking your time, being sure. Not dragging children along with your need to have a man, even if he’s a sleazy, cheating liar, sniffing around for new thrills five minutes after you’ve moved the idiot in with your kids.

But whatever. Good luck - you’ll marry him and wish you hadn’t. Maybe next time you’ll apply some restraint and good sense.