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Original poster

Do I marry him...... 28 days and counting

80 replies

gemmajfk · 07/02/2019 22:13

OK so this has the potential to be super long but I just don't know what to do!
Been with partner 2 years, we have a son 5 months old and he has a girl from previous and I have 2 from previous. We live together, life, kids, house, cars, the works.....

So after being together only 6 months (we had already moved in, talked about trying for baby) I found out he had been cheating, all online chatting, photos, videos, watching lots of porn and paying online for it.... also went to sex party Confused didn't join in as such but wanted the trill. All of the above was about the thrill. He stopped. He says. Fast forward 18 months we have a 5 month old and due to get married in 4 weeks.

I love him dearly. More than I have ever loved anyone. Taking away the above, he truly is perfect. I do truly love him and we have the best time and relationship together.

BUT he's cheated in every girlfriend he's had, no long term GF over 5 years and all ended badly with him fucking it up.

He swears he's over being a twat and won't to be ever again, he says some of the nicest things. As you can imagine my self confidence is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.

Can I marry a man who I think might cheat on me?
I love him so desperately much it's unreal but I can't be hurt by him again, I can't take it.
He's adamant he won't ever hurt me again or cheat but his past is horrendous.....

What can I do?????

OP posts:
Alison100199 · 08/02/2019 07:03

Take a step back and look at your life. You already had children. You moved in with a new man after 6 months. You already have his baby. Sounds like you are desperate for love and are making really bad choices. Put your children first and slow down. Don't marry this man.

Cuttingthegrass · 08/02/2019 07:13

William you be financially better or worse off married should you split up based on what you are each bringing into the marriage? I.e. Do you have your own property ?

Do you think he will run of up debts in your joint names?

Perhaps delay until 5 years?

another20 · 08/02/2019 07:19

He has already cheated and is still doing all that stuff - you just haven’t caught him yet.

How do you know all this stuff about his past relationships / use of chat rooms etc. What you know will only be the tip of the iceberg.

He targeted you - he sniffed out your vulnerability as that keeps you grateful.

You know all of this already in your gut.

All the nice stuff is him pretending so he gets what he wants. The real him is his other life - the cheating and the porn.

Seahorseshoe · 08/02/2019 07:24

Personally, no way.

Deathgrip · 08/02/2019 07:28

I see a porn apologist has already shown up to say it’s not that big a deal - this isn’t just porn though is it, and even if it were you’re more than entitled to end a relationship with someone on that basis alone if you’re not happy with it. You are entitled to your own boundaries.

My DH had a longterm girlfriend from his teens until me and he cheated on her multiple times. It was a huge sticking point for me initially but in his case I think it was more about immaturity and not being to get out of a complicated relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive. We’ve been together over 12 years and there’s absolutely no way he would cheat on me. He’s a very different person now than fe was when we were friends.

In your case, he’s already hurt you and cheated on you, in the early stages of your relationship. I don’t think he can stop behaving like this. I think what you do next depends on practical considerations for your children and yourself.

OnTheHop · 08/02/2019 07:44

Do not marry him if you are putting more into your house than him.

If you had equity in a house before you got together with him, do not get married unless he put in at least as much.

And I would keep my name and give the child my name and his.

Look, he might have had time to sort himself out and learn how to behave in a relationship, he might not. The problem is , you haven’t given it time to rebuild your stag esteem and let him prove himself.

And I wonder about your self esteem in tne first place to have taken your two older children into a live in relationship so quickly.

Ginsodden · 08/02/2019 08:18

“my self confidence is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.”

Don’t marry ANYONE if you feel like this about yourself. If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. You need to work on this bit first.

NameChangeNugget · 08/02/2019 08:33

Don’t do it!

Way too much, way too soon

Dadaist · 08/02/2019 10:29

As you can imagine my self confidence is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.

^^This is absolutely the worst place in which to make a lifetime commitment. I think you should get some counselling and be in a stronger place, and look out for anyone who ‘says’ all the right things. It’s actions that count.

pictish · 08/02/2019 13:06

God my previous post there sounds arsey AF...it didn’t sound quite so harsh and sanctimonious when I said it in my head earlier. I apologise.

However yes, please be more discerning. You sound like a positive person looking for happy times...you deserve someone who can live up to your vision of your family’s future, not someone whose philandering, porn habit and online gratification seeking brings you pain and uncertainty.

HomoHeinekenensis · 08/02/2019 14:17

So what do you think Gemma ?

Bryjam · 08/02/2019 14:18

OK so this has the potential to be super long but I just don't know what to do!

I didn't read the rest, you have given enough information in your first sentence.

Don't marry him. If it was right you would know.

Kko1986 · 08/02/2019 16:00

Sorry if this comes across as blunt. However take your children out of the equation would you want to marry him knowing everything you do? Now add the children back they don't need you a year or 10 years down the line broken because he keeps doing it I think you should postpone the wedding until you know what you want to do. Don't be fooled in to thinking you have to stay with him. X

nooddsocksforme · 08/02/2019 16:09

Actually it’s totally your choice whether you marry him or not . If it was me I wouldn’t because I couldn’t go through the agonies of continually wondered if he was cheating or not . I have dc , and have only coped with all my worries about them by having a partner I could depend on. Wouldn’t want another addition to life that would add to all the pressure rather than easing it.

Haffiana · 08/02/2019 20:35

You have already rushed him into your poor DCs lives and had a baby with him after a few months.

What possible difference will it make if you are married or not?

MsDogLady · 08/02/2019 21:47

Gemma, this manchild has weak boundaries and a huge sense of entitlement to seek sexual thrills. His idea of commitment is to demean you by cyber cheating, using family money to pay for online porn, and watching other people have sex at a sex-party. He will continue this behavior.

He has also cheated on all his other partners.

I wouldn’t stay with such a man, much less marry him. Why are you willing to settle for so little? Please seek counseling to raise your self-esteem and learn strategies necessary to make positive life choices.

category12 · 08/02/2019 22:07

His love isn't worth shit, and yours is misplaced.

People fall into this trap of thinking love conquers all. It doesn't.

You can pour your love into this relationship, but it's got a gaping hole where trust and fidelity should be.

Relationships shouldn't be painful.
Relationships shouldn't bring you low.

Springwalk · 08/02/2019 22:12

God no way. You will be marrying into a life of infidelity and despair.
You know it would have been easier to have called it a day when he first did this, or when you realised he had such a bad track record.
You can save yourself, and your dc now though from years of anguish.

EstrellaDamn · 08/02/2019 22:22

What the fuck? No, is the answer. Why on earth would you marry someone who hasn't respected a single woman who has ever been in his life?

He's already proved to you that you're no different.

Fucking hell, love, please know that you are better, and you deserve better, than this weak childish shithouse.

anotherwearytraveller · 08/02/2019 22:30

I’m struggling to get past the fact you stayed after he went to a sex party and paid for porn.
After six months
When you have two children

I’d run for the hills personally but I’m sure many will say given you have a baby you may as well marry him for the financial benefits it will give you if/when you split

SilverySurfer · 09/02/2019 00:11

Most people wouldn't even have introduced their children to a boy friend until minimum six months to a year yet you already moved in together, then had a baby, knowing he was a cheater. I don't understand why you are still with him, let alone thinking about marrying him.

You need to find some self respect and raise your relationship bar a hell of a lot higher.

julensaor · 09/02/2019 00:36

don't marry him, you sound very young, are you? There are nice men out there, that won't even bring these questions to your mind.

AlwaysSunshine81 · 09/02/2019 01:53

Hi. I don’t post much but your post sounds very similar to my situation. Had 2 daughters, split with their dad and met H quite soon after, he was quite forceful in staying over at my house in the week etc. Met my girls pretty quickly. We were married after 18 months of meeting. There were huge issues with him secretly spending on his credit card and paying for porn and gambling. We got joint bank account when we got married but it Carried on. We decided to try for a baby on honeymoon but I found out he’d been paying for some adult site when we got home and I was back at work.
We have been split 2 years neatly and have a 4 yr old daughter. He’s always lied and spent behind my back.
He moved in with his parent when we split up for 10 months and then in with another woman and they have had a baby which he didn’t tell me about! It’s been a hard time.
I would say please listen to your gut. It doesn’t sound right to me and I have been there. Message me if you want a chat x

Solstice888 · 09/02/2019 02:25

No, him saying nice things and you caring about him is not a good enough reason to marry someone you don't trust. Especially considering you have every reason not to trust him. The guy has serious issues. SERIOUS ones. And sorry but, love doesn't fix that stuff.

Marvelus · 09/02/2019 02:43

I think that considering you have already invested so much in the relationship you may as well get married. Give it a go. It might work out.

If it was earlier on in the relationship I would say break it off.

But you have moved so fast I would just give it a go. If it doesn't work out then the kids will have to go through another break up. But you never know it might work out, or time will pass and one of you may die first and you would have saved your kids from another family breakdown experience. Kids are traumatised from family breakdowns and divorce.

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