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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend and his parents want to move to same estate

96 replies

tessy1234 · 06/02/2019 12:32

Hi all, my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and both live separately with our parents. We are in our late twenties. We have been saving up for a deposit to buy our own home for the last couple of years. We discovered a new build estate is being built and some of the houses are in our price range so we have put down a deposit. Everything is going ahead and we will be moving in in the next couple of months once the build is complete.

My partner is very much a family man in relation to his parents. They still go on holiday together every year. His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well. So often when I suggest a weekend break he will invite his parents/they invite themselves. When they join us on trips away we have NO private time to ourselves/days where we do our own thing whatsoever.
When my boyfriend first viewed the estate we are moving to, he took his mum first so he saw it with her before he saw it with me. His mum also keeps buying us things for the house, which has been generous of her but it's getting to the stage where I don't feel like I have really chosen anything of my own/or as a couple.

Now his parents have had valuations for the house with the intention to sell and have viewed the estate and want to buy a house on the same new build estate. We will effectively be neighbours.

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 06/02/2019 12:35

The problem is your boyfriend, not his parents.

ApolloandDaphne · 06/02/2019 12:35

Oh my goodness. I would say don't do it but i am guessing things are too far along for you to pull out. What does your DP think of this?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2019 12:36

My partner is very much a family man in relation to his parents. They still go on holiday together every year. His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well. So often when I suggest a weekend break he will invite his parents/they invite themselves. When they join us on trips away we have NO private time to ourselves/days where we do our own thing whatsoever.

I'm sorry but the warning signs were already there.

Undercoverbanana · 06/02/2019 12:37

Weird.

Ribbonsonabox · 06/02/2019 12:38

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY NOW!! do not buy a house with this man.

HollowTalk · 06/02/2019 12:39

Can you pull out of the sale? His family is weird, but he has no boundaries, either. You are basically funding his home near to his parents' and either you embrace them and accept them as add-ons to your relationship or you leave now. I know what I'd do.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 06/02/2019 12:40

Back away ... things will never change. Imagine if you have kids. You'll never have your own life.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/02/2019 12:42

Jesus I would hate this. You need to have an honest chat with your boyfriend and make him aware how messed up this is!

Dirtybadger · 06/02/2019 12:42

His parents love their child. They like some spending time with him. He invites them, etc. It's a bit much but fine from their perspective. They might even think you like it too.

He is the one with an issue here. Assuming you have told him you don't want them living so close by and want more private time, etc?

If so, he needs to tell them or make them aware in some way. They aren't going to change their behaviour if they think it's fine by both of you.

You need to explain to DP you don't want them living nearby. It will be a waste of money if you have to move in 2 years (because you save so much on your first house not having to pay stamp duty) because they move over the street and are always over. He needs to let them know he wants his own space which involves them living nearby (presumably fine?)but not on the door step.

What have you said to him about their plans?

explodingkitten · 06/02/2019 12:42

Seriously, walk away from this relationship. You will become very unhappy when you have kids together since his mums wants trump yours.

mimibunz · 06/02/2019 12:43

Get rid of this one. His mum runs the show and that won’t change.

TowelNumber42 · 06/02/2019 12:45

Does he mind having no private time on holiday? Have you ever said no?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 06/02/2019 12:45

It was a huge mistake to buy a property with a man you’ve never lived with and have concerns over already.

But now it’s done... urgh. What’s your question? Your boyfriend does sound unhealthily enmeshed with his parents, like he hasn’t flown the nest mentally (as well as physically yet!), and I think you’re both in for a rude awakening when you realise you’ve gone from living with parents to cohabiting in a property you have serious financial responsibility for.

What are you going to do?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2019 12:45

The 3 of them are obviously happy with how things are. There's only 1 person unhappy. You. You're pissing against the wind trying to get them all to see how odd this is. They will all think you're the weirdo. You're not.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 12:49

He is not just a family man when it comes to his parents; it sounds like codependency and therefore they have an emotionally unhealthy relationship with each other. His mother's relationship with her son here in particular is very unhealthy.

This will be your life with him going forward OP, your man will not change and nor will his parents here. I would actually look at your relationship as a whole now, not just this potential house purchase.

Redshoeblueshoe · 06/02/2019 12:50

You have a DP problem.
He took his mum to see the property first !
Run run run and do not stop.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 12:51

Their boundaries are shot and their enmeshment with each other is pretty much complete. I would actually start making plans to leave this man to his parents because they will never let him go or be his own person. He is also very much a case too of "failure to launch" mainly because they have never allowed him to do so.

Suresurelah · 06/02/2019 12:52

So YOU are buying a property with HIM...but he took his mother instead of you to look at this estate first Hmm

You have a DP problem here and it will only get worse I’m afraid.

LordPickle · 06/02/2019 12:53

This is so cringe! It's nice that he gets on so well with his parents but he does seem to have an unhealthy dependency on his mother. I wouldn't be surprised if they are moving to your estate because he asked them to.

Unfortunately it will only get worse and it's already pretty bad. You need to seriously evaluate if this is the right person for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 12:55

This man will in all likelihood happily hand over a key to his parents so there will no real preventing them coming in and out of your house as and when they want to. You will have no life and you can forget all ideas of privacy as well.

user1466690252 · 06/02/2019 12:55

I mean this with love honestly but RUN LIKE THE WIND this will get worse and when you have children be unbearable. Do not buy a house with this man because you will end up with giant mother aswell

WorriedJu · 06/02/2019 12:56

Oh dear.
Easier said than done but if pull out of the house.
Awful thatvitbis of be evaluating my relationship with boyfriend. You are and always will be playing second fiddle to his mum.
There are no boundaries and I suspect if/when you put your foot down about anything in the future she wont like it and by the sound of it tour boyfriend won't be on your side, at best on the fence!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 12:58

re a comment that LordPickle made:-

"I wouldn't be surprised if they are moving to your estate because he asked them to".

Could well be or just as likely because his mother wants to otherwise keep control over him. She probably dislikes you because she sees you as taking her darling blue eyed boy away from her. She wants to be and remain number 1 in his life here. Sadly there is no real place for you in their enmeshment and codependency.

RebootYourEngine · 06/02/2019 12:58

Have you spoken to your DP about this?

VietnameseCrispyFish · 06/02/2019 12:59

OMG I missed that he took his mum to see the property first! Wtf!

We’re looking to buy our first property atm, we go to viewings together as a couple. When we find somewhere right for us we might invite our parents to see it beforehand, or equally we might invite them for the housewarming when we’ve completed. That’s how normal adults behave. His family is seriously weird and I’d be concerned about having kids with this going on.