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Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend and his parents want to move to same estate

96 replies

tessy1234 · 06/02/2019 12:32

Hi all, my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and both live separately with our parents. We are in our late twenties. We have been saving up for a deposit to buy our own home for the last couple of years. We discovered a new build estate is being built and some of the houses are in our price range so we have put down a deposit. Everything is going ahead and we will be moving in in the next couple of months once the build is complete.

My partner is very much a family man in relation to his parents. They still go on holiday together every year. His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well. So often when I suggest a weekend break he will invite his parents/they invite themselves. When they join us on trips away we have NO private time to ourselves/days where we do our own thing whatsoever.
When my boyfriend first viewed the estate we are moving to, he took his mum first so he saw it with her before he saw it with me. His mum also keeps buying us things for the house, which has been generous of her but it's getting to the stage where I don't feel like I have really chosen anything of my own/or as a couple.

Now his parents have had valuations for the house with the intention to sell and have viewed the estate and want to buy a house on the same new build estate. We will effectively be neighbours.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 06/02/2019 12:59

I love my MIL but I don't want to be her neighbour or go on every holiday with her. I'd be ending the relationship, my advice is for you to get couples counselling before you go any further.

2isabella2 · 06/02/2019 13:01

How big is the estate? We live on the same one as family and it's great but it's a 15 min walk / 5 min drive and we always call before going over (as do they). Also I looked at some houses with my mum as my husband was working - I sent him back to the ones I liked. In fact the one we bought we never viewed together!

However, it sounds like there are greater problems than this.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 06/02/2019 13:01

And yes, he’ll give them keys to the house.

Have you actually spoken to him about this though? The way you speak about them coming on holiday and getting no time alone and now planning to move across the street sounds like you’ve been really passive and just accepted it instead of telling him this isn’t how you want to live your life with him. But maybe you have already talked it to death. I’m curious.

Mummacake · 06/02/2019 13:03

No. Just no. My exh was like this - all sold as love/family blah blah. He virtually handed my children over to his mother! Erm no. The element if (attempted) control in my case was horrific and is still a major issue. If you are content for these people to run your life without your opinion or feelings being considered fine. If you want a health happy relationship and future, then you need to have a very firm and clear conversation now or simply get as far away from this as possible.

Variousartists · 06/02/2019 13:05

They’ll be popping in every day.

ThanosSavedMe · 06/02/2019 13:08

I would think very seriously about your future.

I cannot believe that you haven’t said anything about the holidays and weekends away.

StrongTea · 06/02/2019 13:17

What do your parents say about this? Sounds suffocating. We moved to same village as mil and bil and it was like being watched all the time. They were just too close and when her health failed were expected to be on call. Have a frank chat with your boyfriend.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/02/2019 13:20

Why have you put up with this shit for so long???
Is it possible to pull out of the house buy?
How much would you lose?
I'd seriously consider this.
Because this won't improve.... and if you have kids... heaven help you!
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

anxiousbundle · 06/02/2019 13:25

Jesus, that's a bit much! It's worrying also that you've brought a new place without actually living with your partner first too.

I wouldn't want an over involved MIL either, like other posters have said- I'm sure they'll have a key courtesy of your boyfriend and be popping round unannounced...

Talk to him now and let him know you will be pulling out of the sale if he doesn't tell his mother to back the F off.

Imagine if you have a baby? Constant MIL interference ShockShock

I don't mind the same town as my parents/my partners parents; or even a few streets away, but you need some space for sure!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 06/02/2019 13:29

I wouldn't call him a family man, more a mummy's boy.

You need to speak to him outlining your concerns quickly.

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2019 13:30

"Why have you put up with this shit for so long???
Is it possible to pull out of the house buy?
How much would you lose?
I'd seriously consider this."

THIS!

Going ahead with the house purchase is a terrible idea.

You've never tried living together before and he's FAR too enmeshed with his parents. That comment of his mother's (about them never going away as a couple without him) is creepy as fuck. Terrifying.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 06/02/2019 13:32

Completely claustrophobic Shock

I’m all for a man being close to his parents when grown up, but this is crossing a line a bit for me.

The apron strings are still attached to this one

Potentialmadcatlady · 06/02/2019 13:36

You need to decide if you can cope with this amount ( and increasing) of contact with his family. Because this will not go away or get better. It will only ramp up.
Can you cope with them coming and going as they wish into your home?
Can you cope with no ‘private family time’?

cstaff · 06/02/2019 13:37

Oh my word OP - that would be my idea of hell. Nothing against in-laws but that would go for my own parents also. You need a bit of space.

No No No

Redshoeblueshoe · 06/02/2019 13:38

I hope you are still reading this.
I wish I was on MN when I married a mummies boy.
It did not end well

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2019 13:42

Yeah' the apron strings have not been cut, and due to the fact he's knocking on 30 it's unlikely they ever will be

Personally myself nor anyone I know could put up with this, it will only get worse, you can be close to your parents, but learn to prioritise a partner.

I'd risk the deposit and have a serious talk with him, if he is unable to develop an age appropriate relationship with his parents, relies on them too heavily, and cannot put healthy boundaries in place, then you eithe end it or accept this is the way your life will always be.J

On a separate note, I am dying a little inside for you that he even brings them in your weekend breaks, when do you ever have romantic adult time?

Potentialmadcatlady · 06/02/2019 13:43

Oops sorry posted too soon...
Can you cope with no/little privacy?
Never being able to lie around in your pjs all day because you want too without the chance of them appearing?
Can you cope with handing your kids over because they ‘want time alone with them’?
Not being able to keep your first pregnancy private for a while because he ‘accidentally’ told his Mum before you got to tell anyone yourself?
Can you cope with them telling you how your should decorate your home because they live in a similar one and this is ‘what works best’?
You get the picture? If you can cope it might be fab- lots of support and badysitters around... or (as in my case) it could be a total disaster with you slowly loosing your mind as he constantly puts them before you.. their wishes before yours.. three in a marriage is hard.. it didn’t work for me- I cracked and ended up getting a divorce- a horrible long soul destroying divorce all because I couldn’t cope anymore being last place...
Think long and hard...

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2019 13:48

Does she also wash his pants, but I realise that's a silly question if he still lives with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2019 14:13

Oh, op. I wish I could shake some sense into you. You're so young and just aren't able to grasp how dysfunctional your partner and his family are. His mother rules his life with an iron first and he is seemingly perfectly happy being a mummy's boy. At every turn, he has already proven that mummy comes first, not you.

I assure you, this woman will never ever relinquish her control over his life, and I predict her meddling will get FAR worse when he moves out. She is going to feel very threatened and insecure when you "take her place."

I would run like hell and I hope you do, too.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 06/02/2019 14:23

Fuck that having potential MIL on the same estate poor you! Flowers

poglets · 06/02/2019 14:24

I wish you luck if and when pregnant and you are trapped with his family barging in, suffocating you and taking over (under the guise of help) the relationship with your child.

Do not go down this road.

Cancel the purchase immediately.

It took my 6 years to get rid of my overbearing in laws. And yes, they have an overbearing, unhealthy dynamic. It was always my fault, my over sensitivity to the situation that was blamed. It was not. I just wanted an independent life.

The fact you don't seem have any control over your new home, the distance between your in-laws and your home and the fact your partner does not wish to communicate with you about what you are comfortable with speaks volumes.

You will move from your parents house to a set up where his mother over influences what happens in your house. Do not allow it.

And no, you don't go on weekends away and holidays with your in laws EVERY SINGLE TIME. It isn't your responsibility to fill the gap in your MILs marriage because she doesn't want to go away with her own husband by sacrificing your time with your own partner - even if he is her son. It's sick.

Get out now. How old are you?

ShatnersWig · 06/02/2019 14:41

If this is genuine and you're reading this thread DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

You will be a complete total moron if you continue with this.

PixiKitKat · 06/02/2019 14:47

I'd pull.out of that purchase and wouldn't be bothered about losing money on it! That sounds unbearable to live with. You'll never have peace with them living nearby either!

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2019 17:51

and I predict her meddling will get FAR worse when he moves out. She is going to feel very threatened and insecure when you "take her place."

Well yes, hence why they are moving to thr same estate.but we can't under play his part in this.he even invites them when they go away for the weekend, or on day trips. It's far from normal for a grown man this age.

Normal would be let's go on a dirty weekend, and eat cake in our pants, and shag all day, not to bring the parents, normal would be, thank fuck my larents are going on holiday, come and live here for the two weeks and let's make the most of it, not to go with them.

I mean how do you even have any decent form of sex life right now?

PotteringAlong · 06/02/2019 17:53

Do not buy this house!