Moving in with boyfriend and his parents want to move to same estate

[tessy1234]

Hi all, my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and both live separately with our parents. We are in our late twenties. We have been saving up for a deposit to buy our own home for the last couple of years. We discovered a new build estate is being built and some of the houses are in our price range so we have put down a deposit. Everything is going ahead and we will be moving in in the next couple of months once the build is complete.

My partner is very much a family man in relation to his parents. They still go on holiday together every year. His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well. So often when I suggest a weekend break he will invite his parents/they invite themselves. When they join us on trips away we have NO private time to ourselves/days where we do our own thing whatsoever.
When my boyfriend first viewed the estate we are moving to, he took his mum first so he saw it with her before he saw it with me. His mum also keeps buying us things for the house, which has been generous of her but it's getting to the stage where I don't feel like I have really chosen anything of my own/or as a couple.

Now his parents have had valuations for the house with the intention to sell and have viewed the estate and want to buy a house on the same new build estate. We will effectively be neighbours.

It’s definitely not normal but I’ve got a work friend in this situation and her life is great.

P.S Friend is very easy going

The couple are now married and live near his family- house on their land.
They have had children who can stay over at grandparents anytime & go there every day after school.
The mil sometimes does ironing and cooking and small errands for them.

Everything that makes my life stressful isn’t an issue for her. She gets lots of time with her dh , eg cinema trips , nights out, weekends away. Her kids are always happy and well looked after , no big childcare costs. ( she did put them in crèche 2 days)

If you hate them being around this won’t work for you but if you like them you could do very well out of this set up.

Just something to think about

community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541

Oh god, I remember that one!

OP, put your foot down now, or leave. Those are the only two reasonable choices.

It’s definitely not normal but I’ve got a work friend in this situation

Well it's clearly not the same situation, the parents come on their eeekends away even their day trips, so it would be the same situation if every time they did something the parents came too.

'I feel like it makes me look like the bad person'

You need thicker skin. Care less and value your happiness.

Did your boyfriend worry he would spoil your visit to view the house works when he invited his mother along? Nah, of course not. Because you weren't his priority.

Does his mother give a flying fuck when she crashes a romantic weekend break for two? Noooo. Because what she wants she gets.

Does your FIL act like a husband and insist on a normal holiday with his wife without grown up babydult son being 'made' to attend? Nah, he enables for a quiet life.

Does mummy ever wonder whether you might like to decorate your own home, or see your own house first? Of course not.

But your boyfriend is very happy to take your deposit money share and then tell you to put up and shut up.

Your in-laws could be a dream, they could be a nightmare. But this is about you having equal say in what your life will look like within this relationship. And you don't feel comfortable, so why keep pretending?

I think you should postpone or cancel the purchase and move into a rented flat together - far enough away from the parents to be independent - to see how living together as a couple goes. If course some cultures all live together and one of my colleague's has left his new wife with his parents while he has moved into a Mon - Fri let; it wouldn't suit me.

This is definitely not normal at all.

This isn't being a family man but one of unhealthy enmeshment where his mum comes first.

I hope that the deposit money wasn't mostly yours.

As an adult man who is in a life partnership with you, you are now supposed to be his priority, not his parents. He is supposed to put your wants and needs over his parents.

I know you have invested 5 years into this but no reason to continue with a sunk cost doing everything to keep the peace just because you've been with him all this time.

Can you imagine living with him? I bet his mum has catered and coddled to his every whim and he'd want to continue living that way with you doing the same. Does he actually know how to cook, clean, make an independent decision?

I think you should postpone or cancel the purchase and move into a rented flat together - far enough away from the parents to be independent - to see how living together as a couple goes

This is probably the best idea yet, but somehow I doubt OP will suggest it

It's genuinely depressing to see yet another woman willing to put her head in the noose so many of us have known and escaped, but we can all only advise - what she does is (quire rightly) her own decision

I'll say this though: it's not often we see such widespread agreement on MN

Everything that makes my life stressful isn’t an issue for her. She gets lots of time with her dh , eg cinema trips , nights out, weekends away so it's not the same situation at all. MIL would be on the cinema trips, nights out and weekends away!

There must be more to this - if the MIL relationship with OP was even basically good enough / neutral she wouldn’t have taken the stand not to go along on their annual family holiday.

There is something deep in your gut OP that you need to listen to and pay attention to.

Tell us more about the MIL.

If you cannot talk to him about this, you should pull out of the house purchase now becuase it doesn’t bode well for your future.

Remember that it is much easier to pull out now than to buy a place together and then endure living with him and his parents interference in your lives.

That his mother is already buying things for your home would drive me up the fucking wall.

Ruuuuuunnnnnnn!!!!

He’s managed to make you feel you have no say. You know what you need to do but you won’t, because you are scared to rock the boat. You will be back on the forum in a few years saying how your in laws are insanely meddling In your life. Then if you have kids, it will all slowly implode and you will eventually have to consider leaving, becasue you’re never truly alone - they will always be there, they will never call, they will have a key to your house.

OP his mummy will always be the no.1 woman in his life, and you will only ever be on the periphery of the family, never fully accepted and valued. He has made his priorities clear. You are not one of them.

Run run run

Another point ... I wonder how "MIL" spoke about OP when her boy joined the family holiday without her last year?

It might be expected she'd have been quite cheerful after getting her own way, but I doubt she used it to be supportive of the relationship (and I doubt even more that DP would have spoken up for his future wife)

adreamofspring thanks for posting this link. It is both hilarious and scary!

community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541

This should be required reading for everyone who is too close to their parents or whose partner is too close to their parents!

He went on holiday with Mummy and Daddy and left you at home on your own?

Why are you putting up with this shit? If you don't put your foot down now, it will only get worse.

And I wouldn't be buying a house with him. As PP suggested, test the water first by renting somewhere for a few months, and see how you cope living together with constant visits and interference from MIL.

His Mum is an emotional manipulator. "His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well." That's more or less saying to your son - if you don't come on holidays with us I will make everyone miserable especially your Dad.
She will always see herself as the Mummy in the family. Fight this strongly.
Ask yourself why he didn't want to move out of his parents house before this? He probably said it was because you two could save but the real reason was Mummy didn't want him to go. Now that he is going, Mummy's coming with him because you aren't having him all to yourself.

This is in no way normal.

Why are you so afraid to discuss this situation with him?

Why does his happiness out way yours?

Theshiterunner is absolutely on the money here. It's your boyfriend who is allowing this to happen. He is the issue.

This is in no way normal.

He and his mum are enmeshed in an unhealthy way.
I don't know if you've thought about the reality of living with someone who has been coddled and catered to by his mum his entire life.

Does he know how to cook, clean, do laundry, handle his own affairs?

Moving on with him, he'd expect you to do the same thing.

The problem is with him and he needs to say no to them.

If he is going to have a life with you and possibly children, he needs to put your needs first over his mums.

Don't let yourself get caught up in sunk cost since you've been together for 5 years.

tessy1234 how are you doing? Have you discussed your concerns with anyone in RL? What do they think of the MIL and the situation?