Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moving in with boyfriend and his parents want to move to same estate

96 replies

tessy1234 · 06/02/2019 12:32

Hi all, my boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and both live separately with our parents. We are in our late twenties. We have been saving up for a deposit to buy our own home for the last couple of years. We discovered a new build estate is being built and some of the houses are in our price range so we have put down a deposit. Everything is going ahead and we will be moving in in the next couple of months once the build is complete.

My partner is very much a family man in relation to his parents. They still go on holiday together every year. His mum said she would never go on holiday again with his dad unless he came as well. So often when I suggest a weekend break he will invite his parents/they invite themselves. When they join us on trips away we have NO private time to ourselves/days where we do our own thing whatsoever.
When my boyfriend first viewed the estate we are moving to, he took his mum first so he saw it with her before he saw it with me. His mum also keeps buying us things for the house, which has been generous of her but it's getting to the stage where I don't feel like I have really chosen anything of my own/or as a couple.

Now his parents have had valuations for the house with the intention to sell and have viewed the estate and want to buy a house on the same new build estate. We will effectively be neighbours.

OP posts:
Mishappening · 06/02/2019 17:54

He is not a family man - he is a great big baby!

RhubarbaraWindsor · 06/02/2019 18:12

Why did you turn a blind eye to all the glaring warning signs before getting financially involved with this mummy's boy? You've NEVER been away without them?! I just don't understand why you ignored the obvious issues?

another20 · 06/02/2019 18:19

Google - spousification (as MIL wont go away with FIL unless DS comes)

Then google - engulfing mothers

How does this make YOU feel?

Original poster
tessy1234 · 06/02/2019 18:27

I know this all sounds ridiculous but I just don’t feel like I can say to him I’m not comfortable with his parents moving to this estate. They are so excited about it.
We have had holidays together just the two of us before but it just feels like a common occurrence that when we say we want to do something/go somewhere, his parents say they would like to come along. I have now refused to go on their annual family holidays so last year he went on his own with them. I haven’t really discussed this with him as I feel like it makes me look like the bad person and could damage our relationship. The only time was when we had planned to go visit the house to see the progress and his mum wanted to come too so we ended up in an argument where I said I wasn’t going to come.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 06/02/2019 18:31

I haven’t really discussed this with him as I feel like it makes me look like the bad person and could damage our relationship.

his mum wanted to come too so we ended up in an argument where I said I wasn’t going to come.

It already is damaging your relationship. Have this discussion now, however uncomfortable, before you’re financially shackled.

How will it work if you have children? Honestly, you need to talk about this now.

another20 · 06/02/2019 18:33

Do you usually worry that expressing your opinion / feelings to him will result in a row?

Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2019 18:33

I haven’t really discussed this with him as I feel like it makes me look like the bad person and could damage our relationship.

Oh, well. If you don't want to upset the applecart, bash on. But I promise you, this way madness lies.

EvaHarknessRose · 06/02/2019 18:40

Be brave, you can’t buy a house with him if you can’t talk about stuff that bothers you and be respected. What will you lose if you pull out? (Measure this against a lifetime of misery).

Put some boundaries down now. The main one being him telling his mum and dad he’s not happy with them buying there (and NOT blaming you, but instead cutting the apron strings). Of course he can’t make them not, but he can tell them it will be negative for him, that they will not be seeing you all the time, but only with advance warning, and won’t have a key.

(But, part of me thinks if they are nice, it could be super convenient to help each other out with things.)

MumsyJ · 06/02/2019 18:43

Umbilical cord springs to mind! I'd be having some serious words with him. Can he not see how weird this is?

This is clearly killing you inside. But then, it's been there from the start of your relationship and you kept schtum. What a seriously mummy's boy! Nip this madness in the bud as it's not healthy for your relationship and will only get worse.

Sleephelpplease · 06/02/2019 18:49

Please look at so many of the threads on here where people have been in situations where the partners relationship with the parent hasn’t moved to be an independent adult one and how miserable people end up for years or decades. Your relationship WILL be second to his with his parents. At the moment you are still in a good position as you aren’t married, don’t have children, and haven’t actually bought the house together. Think about it now. Seriously. Whilst you are young and have more straightforward options. You can’t feel bad about having the discussion with him, it must happen or you aren’t being fair on either of you and resentment will build up. And it needs to change before you move in. You should be consulted before they are invited, or he should be pointing out to them when they invite themselves that sometimes it’s good to be the two of you. Have the chat, is he expecting them to have keys? How often is he expecting them to pop in/ to be at theirs? How will he manage his parents expectations? How would he feel if it was your parents also when you go away, moving to the same estate, probably popping in daily?

goodolddaze · 06/02/2019 18:53

Run. Sod the deposit. A lifetime of misery awaits with this man.

punishmepunisher · 06/02/2019 18:55

Run for your life.

Unless you're happy being a thruple with MIL for the rest of your life.

Rtmhwales · 06/02/2019 18:57

All of this was exactly like my STBXH. It didn't end well.

Racecardriver · 06/02/2019 19:00

RUN!

Whocansay · 06/02/2019 19:00

You are already arguing about his parents intruding on your lives. He likes living in their pockets. You can either accept that this is how it will be or leave him.

Personally, I would run like fuck.

Dirtybadger · 06/02/2019 19:02

Do not move in with someone you are scared to have a conversation with.

Four outcomes;

  1. Don't say anything. This could go on until their death!
  1. Break up
  1. Say something. He might push back. Maybe you break up because of it, maybe you don't and you just accept it for the next 40 odd years
  1. You say something. He plays ball. Parents will probably always be a bit OTT but Maybe it will be manageable

It will be a lot harder (and actually a bit unfair) to wait until after they have forked out for a deposit too, to mention it. Say something now! Then reevaluate.

Set the right precedent. You both need to learn to be able to discuss serious issues. You can avoid them forever.

RhubarbaraWindsor · 06/02/2019 19:03

As a PP said, please read the many threads on here where in-laws' expectations are totally unreasonable. It really is a recipe for a miserable life. My god, my DH was a bit of a mummy's boy, but yours is on another scale. How much money will you lose if you pull out?

TowelNumber42 · 06/02/2019 19:09

OK so they have made you feel like the situation is lovely and normal, which means you think you'll look like a cow to complain. Ultimately the answer is to get over yourself and accept that sometimes people think you are being an arse (toddlers and teenagers especially Grin) and that's OK if you've been honest however maybe you aren't there as a person yet.

You've got to know if this smothering is going to be a problem though before you are too tied.

How about starting with asking how he feels about his mum following him?

I would start talking about selling / returning the things she bought because they don't fit in with your plan for your house. See how he takes it.

Does he expect you to mummy him too? Are you his house elf?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/02/2019 19:09

I just don’t feel like I can say to him I’m not comfortable with his parents moving to this estate ... I haven’t really discussed this with him as I feel like it makes me look like the bad person and could damage our relationship

Why are you so reluctant to discuss these things with someone you've planned a life with? Will you still avoid saying anything when they continue to steamroller, or will you keep schtum because you know he'll never back you up and you're somehow just hoping it'll all work out?

Trust me, with a man like this it won't ... all you'll do is build resentment, stuck in a life where you'll always be the last one considered because otherwise "mummy" will be upset

As PPs have said your relationship's already being damaged by this craziness, so wouldn't it be better to bring this into the open now, before you're too far committed?

PositivelyPERF · 06/02/2019 19:13

Ah well, OP, at least his mum won’t have to buy him a doormat, from what you’ve let them all away with so far, it looks like he’s got a door mat already.

Bananalanacake · 06/02/2019 19:16

If you get married and have a honeymoon will they insist on joining you?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 06/02/2019 19:17

You are silencing yourself to make things easier for others.

Please don't do that. It gets harder and harder to speak up - as you are discovering.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/02/2019 19:18

I have now refused to go on their annual family holidays so last year he went on his own with them

How will this affect holiday time you can spend together? Will he go on another just with you, or expect you to forego a holiday because you refused a "family" one?

we had planned to go visit the house to see the progress and his mum wanted to come too so we ended up in an argument where I said I wasn’t going to come

And did he tell DM the two of you would be going alone, or simply take her and leave you behind?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 19:29

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

If you cannot talk to him about this out of your own fear, obligation and guilt then you also have real problems.

Your relationship is already being harmed by his parents, particularly his mother, over reliance on their son. Their dance of codependency will not end and you will always play second fiddle in this relationship. Your relationship is not one of you and he being equal here, at best you are not taken seriously and at worst you are ignored and otherwise denigrated.

adreamofspring · 06/02/2019 19:37

If you have been in mumsnet for any length of time I hope you can see that the seeds of a long term headache have been planted for you. It will only get worse if you have kids.

Read this thread - which is a fave of mine whenever I stumble across someone that needs a reality check when it comes to their DP’s lack of respect for their partner and the sacred importance of investing time in just the two of you. Good luck

community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541