I found a whole load of dodgy crap on my DH's mobile browsing history

[froggy1811]

Hi, I'm besides myself at the moment, so sorry if I rant, but less than a week ago I joined Tumblr (which my dh has been a member of for quite some time.)

I registered myself under a silly name then searched his username, and went through his 'following' and 'followers list. (All porn type fodder, which I kind of knew anyway) BUT within a day of me telling him I'd joined, he deleted his account, which really got my suspicions up!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided a little snoop of his browser history wouldn't go a miss, and I almost wish I hadn't looked because among a couple of dating/hook up sites (Russian Brides being among them) I came across so much gay and transsexual porn it's untrue. He also had quite a number of gay/bisexual videos and a couple of images saved to his phone.

I have confronted him but he's just stonewalled me and denies it despite the fact he knows that I have seen this!

I have applied for a divorce, but I have six weeks that my petition will be saved, and for some reason I can't bring myself to just send it off and have done with.

I have not slept a single wink since seeing all of this, and I haven't eaten, because I just don't what what I'm dealing with here - I mean, is he gay or bi? Has he been cheating with women?

I'm so confused and messed up right now.

I suppose I ought to add, that this stuff was from early January, and he doesn't seem to have searched it recently, but since I've confronted him he's put a passcode on his phone (because he said he's sick of me waking him up in the night with questions...) which just translates to a guilty conscience to me.

I have known he had a thing about anal penetration for nearly as long as we've been together (as in, him being penetrated just to verify) but he's always assured me it's a fetish and he could never see himself kissing or being intimate with a man.

He buys all these awful underpants from eBay, like jock straps with the back cut out, which I absolutely hate - and have told him so on many occasions.

My ds is 15, and been with dh for 18 years (married 12)

So sorry to hear.
I have been in similar.
Husband diagnosed Transgender after 25 years of marriage.
Your DH sounds very odd.
Has he had an counseling or therapy?

The anal stuff must indicate gay tendancies.
Have you never noticed any odd signs from him over the years, (during your intimate moments)?

Wow op I'm sorry you are going through this.
In these type of situations I try and put myself in your shoes if possible and the only answer I keep coming up with is at the very least he is bi. Why else would he be looking at so much of it?
Coupled with the anal thing, the underpants etc it all makes sense. However, you know him best. What is your gut instinct saying?
Mine is rarely wrong.

He sounds like he is in denial. I know a couple this happened to and the man is now in a LTR with another man and happy as Larry. The wife is left with the children and is bitter and hurt. He is happier than ever.

It's a tough one. Surely you would never be able to trust him now? My own ds is 15 and without going into any detail you would be able to explain that things are beyond repair. Please don't accept this is normal, it's not.

Wishing you well

My ex turned out to be gay. The porn he watched was gay and although he wasn’t into overtly sexual underwear he did wear a lot of fancy (and costly) pants by a brand i later found out was popular with gay men. I’m afraid you know the answer already. I guess you have to decide what to do with it.

Are you sure the hookup and Russian bridge sites aren't just the consequence of popups while searching porn sites? Heck, I've had Russian bride popups from regular forum ads being poisoned in the past.

I think you're overreacting massively.

Many people fantasize about ALL sorts of things. I don't like porn either but he hasn't been unfaithful OP.

Leave as you will always wonder and be suspicious.
It may force him to face who he wants to be.

The sad truth is that through a lack of communication (it does not matter who is to blame for that), you have stumbled across a part of your husband's sexuality that you don't quite understand.

Let me say right away that wanting anal stimulation/penetration does not make a man either gay, or bisexual. I suggest that you listen to the following podcast by an American sex educator in order to find out a bit more about his desires.

peggingparadise.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/09-15-15-112-For-the-Women.mp3

It may be that you can find it within yourself to accommodate his desires instead of throwing away what must be a considerable investment in emotional terms, having been with him for 18 years. You were previously aware of his porn activities, and were not too bothered by them, so rather than crash and burn this could be your route to take.

I would also strongly suggest that you drop all the labels: gay/bisexual/whatever all mean different things to different people. Just think of your husband as a sexual person instead.

Enjoying anal penetration no more makes a man gay than it does a woman who enjoys anal penetration. It means they.... enjoy anal penetration, basically. I would dismiss this entirely as a red herring.

I think before throwing away your entire marriage you need to have a good talk to him about his sexual desires and why he has hidden so much from you.

Every straight man I ask about this says straight men just don’t watch gay porn , if he is bi, then it’s up to you if you are ok with that

Maybe an obsession with anal penetration is not necessarily because he's gay but constant watching of gay porn?

I think it's great to be free and easy and liberal about labels and whatnot. Not putting people in boxes is brilliant. But your emotional health is your responsibility to look after and if you don't want to be married to a man who constantly watches gay porn and won't talk to you about it, that is your right. I wouldn't. It may not be unfaithful technically but its not something I would want to live with.

I also think you need to sit and talk to him, as he is currently hiding/denying it and stonewalling you he could be feeling ashamed that worried that you won't accept some of his what are actually fairly normal desires.

Maybe try to have a conversation when you're not angry or hurt, that way he's more likely to open up, and i imagine you're also going to need some time and support in this too. Couples therapy could be a good option here.

Good luck, i also wouldn't act too rash or throw this away without trying to understand whats going on.
Keep us posted xx

Loulouleggings makes interesting points; you definitely need to open up dialogue. Perhaps he is feeling pretty injured that you went through his browsing history.

I have nothing whatsoever to hide from my partner, but would feel aggrieved if she were to examine my browser history. It is a bit like telling someone to spill the beans on every thought they have ever had in their private moments. Our browsers record every intimate detail of where our mind has taken us, and that is often deeply personal. Sometimes we don't really want to examine our own thoughts, much less subject them to a partner's examination. You rarely find out much beneficial by eavesdropping.

Trust is a two-way street and going through someone's phone isn't the best way to develop it.

If anal penetration turns him on, then he may look at gay porn, not because he's gay, but because he wants to see male anal penetration.

I think that you previously knew (and were presumably OK with) him looking at porn, and you previously knew (and were presumably OK with) that he had a fetish for anal penetration, so I'm not really sure what has changed.

Personally, I'd not be happy with either of those. But it seems that you were, but now you're not. Seeing his browsing history has really just confirmed what you already knew.

If you love him, you love him. If you’re just tolerating him and the life you’ve created then getting past the “is he gay, has he cheated” thing is probably not worth the heartache.
I’ve been with my partner for just 8 years and if he felt uncomfortable and unable to discuss his kinks and quirks with me I’d see it as my issue not his. Have you tried opening up your mind a little bit?
Different folks and all that.

Was there a reason why you stalked him on Tumblr and then snooped through his browsing history? Did you suspect him of cheating on you, or did you just want to have a rummage through what he'd prefer to keep private from you?

Sexuality is a spectrum, and he may possibly be bi-curios, or just scared to admit it.
His behaviour - shutting down and stonewalling - may well be an indication that he can’t admit it even to himself.

As to the other things. If I was on some social media like Tumblr and a bf joined so that he can monitor my activity - i’d also close and account - and open a new one.
And - after someone goes through my phone and grills me anything they have seen on it - password protection will become a permanent feature.

Your H hasn’t cheated. All you know for sure now is that he has some fantasies that you weren’t aware of.
Many a married woman sometimes fantasize or are curious about being with women. If their H’s divorced them for their thoughts - that would be the equivalent of what you are doing....

I don’t know how your relationship been so far over the years. If it’s been a good one and there is/was love - why don’t you try to talk to him calmly. Without judgements and accusations. (May not be possible given where you are)...
But after years of marriage - don’t you want to at least try to fugure our if it’s something or nothing?

"If anal penetration turns him on, then he may look at gay porn, not because he's gay, but because he wants to see male anal penetration*

Oh come on please. Surely you aren't that naïve?

If a man is watching men being anally penetrated, he is at the VERY least bi-curious.

Along with the trans porn too.

The OP has a right to know who she is married too to make an informed decision.

Yes and no...I mean, yes (He has asked me to penetrate him with instruments - but he always went on about the 'g-spot' being located up there...

The most confusing thing is that he always wants to have sex with me, so now I'm wondering if it's a case of 'close your eyes and imagine she's a bloke!

Thank you for your reply

Thank you so much.

I don't think this is normal 'hetrosexual' behaviour either (and if he is gay/bi, then he should have been honest years ago when I very first asked him, because now I'm in tatters.)

And my gut instinct tells me he is bi.

You are so right though, I don't think I will ever trust him again, and I feel my entire life has been a lie and is in tatters.

He won't admit to anything that I have seen, and in a way that makes it all the worse.

Thank you to everyone for your replies and support. I am just reading through them properly before I respond...again, I appreciate the time you have taken for me, and would have responded sooner, but I've been in a slump tbh. X

You have to think about your mental well-being. This is keeping you awake at night.
Does he work in IT?.
Consider holding off having any intimate moments with him. How will he react?.
Have some space. Spend time with friends or family for a few days.
Take care of you

...he's always assured me it's a fetish and he could never see himself kissing or being intimate with a man.

He buys all these awful underpants from eBay, like jock straps with the back cut out, which I absolutely hate - and have told him so on many occasions.

He is lying. No more unprotected sex with him at all, ever.

Get a STD test asap.

There is a surprisingly active m2m scene involving married men out there, and there is a lot of risky sex in this scene. Some of the participants are attracted by the risk taking.

Ignore all those who are telling you you were wrong to have checked what he was doing. You have the right to know what your spouse is up to with other people, or even potentially up to. It is too late when you find you have some STD, God forbid, HIV.

I would not trust him as far as I could throw him.

There can't be love when there is a suspicion of a secret life and the spouse refuses to talk about anything.

You are feeling that your life has been a lie and you are looking at a stranger in your home, in your bed, sharing your bathroom. It is a devastating feeling. Everything that has gone before is now tainted, under suspicion, and it has lost the meaning you thought it had.

This is the sort of experience that could wipe you out psychologically and emotionally. Anyone who could stand by and not have the slightest inkling of what their spouse might need from them - i.e. the truth - or who knows what their spouse needs but refuses to give it to them, needs to experience life on a friend's couch indefinitely.

Hi there,

Well I appreciate the information, but if it was just 'pegging' with me that he was into, then why Would the majority of the porn he looks at be gay/transsexual?

I could understand it if I'd found loads of videos with women wearing strapons, penetrating men, but I mainly found transsexuals receiving penetration, gay men at it, and the odd bi video featuring a women....

All of that would make sense if that is what I had found.

Thank you for taking the time to try and help me, and your reply.

This is what I am worried about.

Thank you so much.

I think I understand what you’re trying to say here, froggy...

It’s the lying and secretiveness. He’s hiding so much from you and flat out denying anything.

Deleting an entire Tumblr profile was very indicative that he wants to maintain his secret life.

Whether he’s gay, bi, or neither (which is perfectly possible); he’s unwilling to be honest even in the face of undeniable evidence.

That’s the crux of this whole thing.

I sympathise deeply.

You must do what’s right for you. Don’t let others, including him, or us here on MN, decide what’s right for you.

I wish you peace with your decision.