I found a whole load of dodgy crap on my DH's mobile browsing history

[froggy1811]

Hi, I'm besides myself at the moment, so sorry if I rant, but less than a week ago I joined Tumblr (which my dh has been a member of for quite some time.)

I registered myself under a silly name then searched his username, and went through his 'following' and 'followers list. (All porn type fodder, which I kind of knew anyway) BUT within a day of me telling him I'd joined, he deleted his account, which really got my suspicions up!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided a little snoop of his browser history wouldn't go a miss, and I almost wish I hadn't looked because among a couple of dating/hook up sites (Russian Brides being among them) I came across so much gay and transsexual porn it's untrue. He also had quite a number of gay/bisexual videos and a couple of images saved to his phone.

I have confronted him but he's just stonewalled me and denies it despite the fact he knows that I have seen this!

I have applied for a divorce, but I have six weeks that my petition will be saved, and for some reason I can't bring myself to just send it off and have done with.

I have not slept a single wink since seeing all of this, and I haven't eaten, because I just don't what what I'm dealing with here - I mean, is he gay or bi? Has he been cheating with women?

I'm so confused and messed up right now.

I suppose I ought to add, that this stuff was from early January, and he doesn't seem to have searched it recently, but since I've confronted him he's put a passcode on his phone (because he said he's sick of me waking him up in the night with questions...) which just translates to a guilty conscience to me.

I have known he had a thing about anal penetration for nearly as long as we've been together (as in, him being penetrated just to verify) but he's always assured me it's a fetish and he could never see himself kissing or being intimate with a man.

He buys all these awful underpants from eBay, like jock straps with the back cut out, which I absolutely hate - and have told him so on many occasions.

My ds is 15, and been with dh for 18 years (married 12)

I really feel for you op. Could he be addicted to porn? Typically with porn addiction, people tend to stray from " vanilla" type content in search of stuff that is more "taboo" in order to keep the excitement going. Which could explain the gay and transgender porn. Not sure about the underwear though, that would have me thinking more is going on. Nothing wrong with a man liking anal stimulation, straight men like it too, but I can't see the need for those when he's already in a committed relationship with a women..

You are in defensive mode right now thanks to his aggressive verbal attack, and functioning on adrenaline.

Try to make sure you eat and drink. If you can't sleep, please go to your GP on Monday and see what can be done. Please ask about STD testing too.

@Onceuponacheesecake I think that your wrong about the OPs DH watching gay porn because he has strayed from what’s considered the ‘norm’ type of porn, to this gay men shagging one another, straight men would never be interested in watching this porn, just no way.

There’s also the pants that he buys, and wears too, these pants are only going to be viewed as sexy from other men, and quite frankly they’re designed for ‘easy access’, I don’t believe he bought these pants just to wear them alone without anyone seeing him in them, yes the OP has obviously seen him wearing them but they do nothing for her, I don’t think they’d do anything for any woman, just men.

Also, just because a man is in a committed relationship with a woman, then it doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t want anal sex too, I think you have made a very naive statement there, lots of men want to experiment further in the bedroom regardless of their relationship status.

He’s clearly turned on by the vision, and idea of sleeping with a man, he’s bisexual at best, and for this reason alone then I couldn’t stay with him, it’s a huge turnoff for me, I’m not homophobic in the slightest but, I just couldn’t accept that the man I loved, found men sexually attractive and slept with them. I don’t trust straight men to stay faithful with one woman, never mind thinking of him being unfaithful with men, I’d always worry that he hadn’t used a condom with a man and that the possibility of getting HIV, was a huge possibility, imagine having that to worry about every time you were sleeping with him. IME then men hate having to wear condoms with women, and 2 men together would really hate them, which is why more homosexual men, than heterosexual contract HIV, research has shown that 50% of bisexual/gay men will all have contracted this illness by age 50 and this is a shocking finding, men are just very reckless when it comes to contraception and all because their 5 minute shag feels better!. I honestly don’t get it at all.

OP please get yourself tested for STDs ASAP, you need peace of mind and fast. What a cunt that he is in all honesty, and the silent treatment is surely emotional abuse, and again, his silence towards the matter speaks volumes, I actually hope he mans up and tells the OP about what all his shitty and sneaky behaviour means.

OP please get your tests done ASAP, at least this will give you peace of mind about your health anyway.

Good luck though xxx

Minniesmum1606

I didn't say OPs husband was straight.

@Onceuponacheesecake No I never said you did, the general jist on here is that he is clearly acting straight, being married to a woman, etc, and the OP clearly thought he was until all this that the threads about.

What I actually said was I don’t think you were correct in saying that he was only watching gay porn because it was taboo, and he moved on from vanilla porn to taboo, I’m saying I disagree, straight men, as he has been making out he is, don’t watch gay porn, he is either bi or gay and coming to terms with sexuality, or has already came to terms with it, but he’s hidden it from the OP, his wife.

@MinniesMum1606 research has shown that 50% of bisexual/gay men will all have contracted this illness by age 50

I would be really interested to see your source for this comment please? Is this world wide? U.K. has a very low HIV epidemic in relation to some other countries.

Also, even if this were true, this would not mean that all these 50% are able to pass HIV on to any sexual partners. In the U.K. for example, 87% of all people living with HIV (including those undiagnosed) cannot pass it on, and new diagnoses in gay and bisexual men are falling.
www.gov.uk/government/news/hiv-diagnoses-continue-to-fall-as-uk-exceeds-unaids-target

I’m posting this to try to correct any comments that scaremonger. Plus take into account HIV is very difficult to contract - there are way more infectious STIs.

OP, I’m really sorry you are going through this and it must be a tremendous shock. I agree with the posters that say just because he is looking at gay porn and has an interest in anal it doesn’t mean he is gay or bi. It could well be that he is exploring his sexuality. It really depends how far he is going with this.

I do agree with getting tested for STIs in the meantime, just to be on the safe side - you can do postal tests nowadays.

The fact that he is not prepared to talk about it with you and trying to deflect is the biggest worry. He needs to be totally honest about what’s going on. I do hope he comes to realise this.

Went through similar with my oh. Without going into detail I discovered he had a 'fetish' I knew nothing about. Nothing that threw his sexuality into doubt or was dangerous or illegal or anything. But definitely odd and a bit taboo.

I struggled. I felt rejected, betrayed and like I wasn't enough for him. But a few months down the line I realise that sexuality is a deeply personal thing. Does he really have to bear all aspects of his soul to you? Maybe he enjoys watching but is never something he would actually do? Unless you are being lied to or cheated on and your relationship is otherwise good, I do believe everyone is entitled to some privacy surrounding their sexual kinks.

Obviously communication is needed. I wouldn't be issuing divorce papers over this alone though...

@HIVPos HIV is really difficult to contract? Erm no it’s really not at all, unprotected sex does it, shared needles with people who are HIV positive, and back to the sex; straight people can get it from one another, but I know it’s more difficult for a woman to pass it to a man, with vaginal sex, than it is for a man to pass it too a woman. Granted some people may well sleep with an infected person, without a condom, and not contract it, but it’s not something I would be willing to gamble on. It’s always been known that homosexual men have a higher chance of contracting HIV because of the way that they have sex.

It’s not scaremongering at all, I’m telling the truth, I think most people that suspected their hubby of possibly being bi, or gay, would think of HIV when thinking of the fact that you were cheated on/could have been cheated on with other men. You mention other STIs and yes, he could have contracted others, but the main one to worry about with bi or gay men is HIV, or Hepatitis, and most adults usually know this, it’s not like I have told them something new by posting what I posted, I don’t believe in filling the OPs head with untruths just to save her feelings, if she didn’t want others’ opinions then she wouldn’t have posted to MN asking about her situation.

The source that said about 50% of bi and gay men contracting HIV before age 50, was Dr Christian Jessen of Embarrasing Bodies, I tend to believe him as he is a doctor and he’s also gay, and he had obviously researched this from somewhere, I’m sure he didn’t just dream this statistic up.

How can you include people that haven’t been diagnosed with HIV, as part of the group that wouldn’t necessarily pass it on? That doesn’t make sense. Also if they were undiagnosed then they wouldn’t be taking the drug that makes them undetectable and able to sleep with people unprotected, therefore of course they’d pass it on, not all gay men are promiscuous, but there are so many that are, the truth is is that if sex one time, with one person, can pass on HIV when having sex, then they could have sex with 20 people, for example, and infect 20 people!

Do you remember the story about the Scottish/English hairdresser who deliberately went out to infect as many people as possible, after he was diagnosed with HIV, he wasn’t on any drugs or anything, he thought that by drinking his own urine then he could stop/control his illness, yet that was clearly a contradiction because he wanted his partners to get infected, he even tampered with condoms if they were used, he ended up infecting a few of these men and they only had sex a handful of times, therefore it’s not so difficult to pass it on, some people are just horribly unlucky. You can get pregnant having sex only once, you can catch all other STIs by just having sex once with people that have STIs, so why is HIV any different?

I don’t know if you have HIV yourself, because of your name, but I’m sure you would know a whole lot more than me about certain aspects of the illness, but I believe that the things I have previously mentioned, are all true.

Oh OP I don't have anything helpful to add really but I promise you will absolutely get through this and be an even stronger amazing woman on the other side of it.

An estimated 101,200 people are living with HIV in the UK. Of those, 69% are men and 31% were women.[2] Just under half of those living with HIV are gay or bisexual men.[2] 1 in 7 gay or bisexual men in London are living with HIV, compared to 1 in 25 in the rest of the UK and less than 1 in 500 for the general population.[2]

New diagnoses
6095 people were newly diagnosed during 2015, a trend which has remained relatively constant since 2010.[6] An estimated 39% of diagnoses were late (likely to have been living with the virus for over three years).[2] This has improved since 2006 when 56% of people were diagnosed late. Late diagnosis is associated with a 10-fold increase in the chance of death during the first year after diagnosis.[2][7] Over half of new diagnoses (3,320) were among gay or bisexual men.[6] There has been a decrease in diagnoses amongst heterosexual black African men and women, from 73% in 2006 to 47% in 2015, largely due to trends in migration from high prevalence countries.[6]
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HIV/AIDS_in_the_United_Kingdom

The figure on late diagnoses is troubling even though it is decreasing.

The fact that the UK has a low incidence of HIV compared to some other countries is completely irrelevant. The incidence of HIV is concentrated among gay and bi men and if they have female partners with whom they have unprotected sex then the stats related to HIV among bi and gay men in the UK are 100% relevant to the OP in her circumstances.

It's best to do a STD test in a clinic as opposed to doing it by post. You can avail of the chance to talk to a HCP while you are at it.

www.avert.org/professionals/hiv-around-world/western-central-europe-north-america/uk

www.aidsmap.com/UKs-latest-HIV-figures-show-the-need-to-scale-up-HIV-testing-and-prevention/page/3015695/

^^More info and stats here.

research has shown that 50% of bisexual/gay men will all have contracted this illness by age 50

The link posted above by mathanxiety shows this to be patently untrue, abbreviated quote: This means roughly 77 out of every 1,000 men (aged 15 to 59) who have sex with men are living with HIV.

What is true is that the majority of HIV diagnoses are in young homosexual men, but it is nowhere near 50% of this demographic. Working on approx. 1.5% of the population being homosexual, there are roughly 500k homosexual men in the whole of the UK across all ages. Using the % from mathanxiety, that makes roughly 60,000 HIV positive homo/bisexual men.

This may not be the point of the thread, but casually throwing out alarmist and grossly inaccurate/misunderstood stats is not helpful to anyone who stumbles across it.

I’m very sorry that you’re going through this.

My ex sounds very similar- everything except the gay porn (yes, including the pants!!) whilst I initially bought them for him as a joke they are apparently very comfortable, the most comfortable he’d ever owned in fact and so - quelle horreur - became standard wear... so believe it or not the pants alone might be a “quirk”.

I agree that the gay porn is really unexplainable except for bi-curious minimum.

My gay friend has slept with hundreds of guys and the vast majority of them were/are married- even at the gay spa the car park is full of family cars/child shades on the windows, no one bothers taking off wedding rings etc. It’s very, very common - far more than you think or hear of (quite rare to be discovered) and you are certainly not alone in this situation.
Apparently they men doing this are not typically tortured souls - just having their cake and eating it.

The lying to your face is the worse part - ultimately it doesn’t really matter if he’s bi or straight or trans - he’s a liar and you deserve better.

Stay strong OP

@MinniesMum1606

Yes, I am HIV pos (if you look back at my past posts to my 1st one you’ll read my story) and I normally post to try to avoid others being in the same boat – also to educate! That said, I’m also happy to be told when I’m wrong – and I deal in fact and stats! So…

HIV is really difficult to contract? Erm no it’s really not at all

So you are saying it is easy to pass on?…can you prove this, other than just telling us how it is contracted (there are other ways btw)?. It really is regarded by all professionals as being difficult to transmit. Here are the stats: www.poz.com/pdfs/P04-14p53.risk_transmission.pdf
Take into account we are regarded as a high income country, so the probability of a man passing HIV to a woman is 0.08%. I’ll let you DYOR on other STIs as a comparison, so you might think on on, why you singled out HIV in particular. So yes, it is scaremongering and I know many couples where one partner has unknowingly contracted HIV (say from a previous relationship) and not managed to pass it on to their next partner for many years!

How can you include people that haven’t been diagnosed with HIV, as part of the group that wouldn’t necessarily pass it on?
Well this was in the interests of honesty as that lowers the % an increases the risk. There are unfortunately many people who do not know they are HIV positive - I think about 8,000 in this country at last count (and don’t ask how they came by this number as I haven’t a clue, but can find out if you really want to know). So if you want me to just give the figure of those who know they are HIV pos, are on meds and are UD (ie they can’t pass it on), then it’s 97% - just read the link in my last post.

Dr Christian Jessen – yes, he is a champion of PLHIV and the facts – I would try to find something from him about U=U etc but I think it was on Twitter. Whatever you heard was perhaps not in context. You might possibly have seen (depending what year) that 50% of all new HIV diagnoses are from MSM (men who have sex with men)? Thanks to the 2 posters above for more info – I had been looking for links on the 50% thing as I knew it was very wrong – 77 out of 1000 men is 7.7%, then allow for the vast majority who are on effective medication, then look at the stats in the tale above…you get my drift?? There are more current stats but 2015 will do.

The Scottish hairdresser – you mean Daryll Rowe? – yes, he was imprisoned for having sex with men when knowingly having HIV. – not a nice man! As shown in the link above the risk increases of sex between men -so this is pretty irrelevant to this situation when we are talking about potentially passing it on to a woman.

Please do not spread this information and worry others excessively. I agree with you – I don’t believe in telling untruths – I stick to the facts, from tried and trusted up-to-date sources. And yes, unfortunately for me, I know a shitload more than I ever thought I would about HIV – how it is transmitted, what sort of risk it is, how it is treated, and most of all, how most of those living with HIV in the UK (like me) are zero risk to others when on effective medication.

(Apologies for the railroad OP)

By the time they reach 50 then half will have it @Bananasarenottheonlyfruit, is what I said.

Also Im listening to Dr Jessen, he’s a homosexual doctor and I think he has far more info than people on MN. He is clearly getting research from somewhere.

Yes HIV is easy to contract, if you sleep with someone that isn’t undetectable then of course sex once can pass it on.

@HIVpos I think your being extremely naive in believing that the OP shouldn’t worry about HIV, you should know the fact is, is that it is mainly bi and gay men that have it, and if I thought for a minute that my other half had been fucking men then the first thing I’d want to know is that I was HIV negative, all the other STIs, apart from Hep, are pretty easy to deal with, not very nice but not exactly life threatening.

Anyway I’m not going back and forward about HIV, I believe that what I’ve said is correct, you believe that what you have said is correct.

I’m actually going to my bed now anyway and I can’t be bothered debating on this, and we have kind of derailed the thread ladies!

Anyway night night

Minnie you are saying 50% of MSM will have contracted HIV by the time they are 50. I am asking, where is your proof? I am not asking something you have obviously misheard that somebody else with a good reputation has said - he would be very shocked if he knew you were saying he had said this. When exactly did he say his? Can you find it on YouTube? Others on here have provided proof that what you say is wrong, and therefore doing a great disservice to gay/bi men living with HIV. Can you even answer if you think it is 50% of MSM in the U.K., or in the world? Btw, Christian Jessen will get his research from the likes of WHO, CDC, NAT, BHIVA etc, that a lot of us follow.

No, HIV is not easy to contract...look above at what I wrote - I have provided the facts - you have not. I am in no way being naive, and of course I know there is always a risk when having condomless sex with someone of unknown status. But I also know that contracting HIV is lower risk than other STIs which is why I have suggested the OP go for a full testing - for reassurance. Of course, any window periods should also be taken into account.

You can obviously say what you like, but you have not furnished any proof. All you have done is probably scare other vulnerable people who are reading this - those who might already have health anxiety - by quoting things you think you have heard, and refuse to listen to the facts. Shame on you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'd suggest marriage counselling but if he's ashamed/embarrassed/in denial, he probably would be less likely to talk about it in front of someone else.

Have you explained to him that his denial is destroying any chance of saving your marriage? He needs to come clean about his fetishes, at least to give you some closure if nothing else.

Highheels1
My gay friend has slept with hundreds of guys and the vast majority of them were/are married- even at the gay spa the car park is full of family cars/child shades on the windows, no one bothers taking off wedding rings etc. It’s very, very common - far more than you think or hear of (quite rare to be discovered) and you are certainly not alone in this situation.
Apparently they men doing this are not typically tortured souls - just having their cake and eating it.

YYY to this observation - the married men having their cake scene is very much alive and kicking, and men who take this sort of risk are also quite often taking the risk of bareback sex too.

The UK government advises men who have sex with men who are having sex without condoms to test for HIV at least once a year, and every three months if they are having sex with new or casual partners. A survey of the men who tested for HIV in sexual health services in 2016 showed that 28% had tested for HIV at least once in the last year and 8% had tested two or more times. Over three-quarters of HIV diagnoses (77%) made in sexual health services in 2016 were among men who do not test regularly.13
Clearly some of the population that is most at risk are taking risks, either out of ignorance or because risk taking is part of the attraction of the MSM scene.
www.avert.org/professionals/hiv-around-world/western-central-europe-north-america/uk

HIVPos
Not sure what your agenda is here.

Your paragraph that purports to address how difficult it is to infect someone with HIV consists largely of an anecdote.

.08% risk (1 in 1250 chance) is still a risk. The stat says nothing about timing of infection. The victim of a HIV+ partner could contract HIV the first time they have unprotected sex.
And there are factors that massively increase the risk even in a prosperous society -

• Exposure in the 12 weeks after a partner is first infected, when the viral load skyrockets - the risk of infecting a partner is 1/3 in these weeks.
• Presence of other STIs when exposed to HIV.

There is actually no way to know for certain how many men are involved in secret MSM lifestyles, thanks to the nature of that lifestyle. And there is no way to accurately ascertain how many men are putting straight (or gay) partners at risk - however, we do know that there are many men out there who are having risky sex but not doing the periodic testing as recommended, and we know that the number of new infections diagnosed annually remains fairly steady for the last few years.
How many go undiagnosed annually we have no way of knowing until they possibly turn up a few years later looking for a test or when they wshow up as contacts for someone else who may have been tested.

The troubling fact is that there are significant numbers of late diagnoses, and that fact implies the existence of partners who may have been at risk of infection (and at much, much higher risk of infection in the three months after a partner was infected).

My only agenda is to correct misinformation. Some people who read these posts have high health anxiety, sometimes related to extreme fear of HIV. I do not want this condition to be made out to be scarier than it is.

HIV is always a risk when having condomless sex with someone of unknown status. I have not denied this. However, contracting it is regarded as low risk when compared to other STIs.

If someone states that 50% of all gay/bi men will have contracted HIV by the time they are 50, this is incorrect, and this also infers that there is a 50% chance of contracting HIV from someone who has sex with men. This does not take into account that the vast majority of PLHIV are on effective medication and therefore incapable of passing the virus on. Or those who use other forms of TasP (treatment as prevention).

Yes, there are people who are as yet undiagnosed, and I don’t know how they come up with numbers of how many, but there are moves by charities and the government etc. to try to address.

Mathanxiety, the rest of your post, while factually correct, lacks important detail and is largely surplus info. Your use of the word victim.....well if I were to have unprotected sex with someone, are they my victim?

1. Yes, HIV is a risk in this situation, though regarded as low risk
2. Other STIs are easier to contract

As said before, apologies OP, I really hope you manage to work things out. I will not write in this post any more.

Just to clarify:
1) HIV is a risk in this situation, though regarded as low risk
I mean in the situation related to the OP if her DH has been cheating, not to me, as I am no risk.

hi doll, I think you need to send off those divorce papers! this way you'll be happier and won't always be wondering what he's up to and not being able to trust him. you should be able to look at your hubby and know he's not doing you wouldn't approve of, which is not the case here. I wish you all the best of luck and strength darling xx

Hi Everyone,

Well things have certainly not improved, and as one of you suggested he might, the cheeky BSTRD offered me an ultimatum - either I change my attitude, and stop being 'pathetic' or he will leave!

I should add to this info, that I actually asked him to leave when I first saw all this crap, and he point blank refused!

In addition to this, I received a letter from my housing association informing me that we have paid no rent last week! (He pays this because he's on a decent wage and I have no income of my own - other than child tax credit/allowance, out of which I buy all of our food, toiletries etc.) When I confronted him he informed me that he cancelled the direct debit because I was trying to throw him out, and that he will need that money for himself to get a new house. I said to him that he can't honestly believe he can stay here rent free, and I asked him exactly what he thinks is in it for me to tolerate him here when he pays for nothing!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he reckons that this is all MY fault. He said that he doesn't want a divorce or separation and that he wants us to just forget about all this rubbish (Because btw, he's still gaslighting, and denying the entire thing.)

He's basically told me that I am the cause of ALL of this, and that he has done absolutely nothing wrong! To which I replied, that if he'd just explain to me why I've seen the stuff on his browser history that I have had the misfortune to see, then maybe I wouldn't feel so sick, betrayed and humiliated. Of course, he then stonewalled me again, and said he's no interest in talking to me while I'm being 'childish' and 'pathetic'....

This entire incident has just opened up a whole can of worms regarding him; and it's not all related to the gay/bi/transsexual stuff I found on his phone.

He changed jobs before Christmas, because his previous job paid peanuts. I know for a fact he's on a decent wack now, yet still he refuses to give me any money or even buy anything for the household. The only day he will put his hand in his pocket is on payday (he is paid weekly) and it's nothing major he buys - just a couple of bits like bread, potatoes and a crate or two of lager for himself.

I know I've been an absolute fool to have stood by him all of these years, but the only excuse I can give myself is that I've suffered severely from depression on and off, and that I've been agoraphobic for the last few years. Just before Christmas I had started coming out of the house (with him) at the weekends, but all of this has really set me back a million miles.

I absolutely know that the right thing to do here is to go ahead with the divorce, but there is so much more to my current circumstance/situation that would take me all year to type out, (hugely financial) and I am worried what will happen to my ds and so if I go ahead and get rid of him.

This is easily one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and I truly appreciate all of your support.

Your use of the word victim.....well if I were to have unprotected sex with someone, are they my victim?

They are if they contract HIV. They would be your victim if they contracted gonorrhea or any other STD too.

If your spouse conceals the fact that he is not monogamous and on the basis of an assumption on your part that he is not having sex with anyone else you agree to unprotected sex then you are a victim.

It's irrelevant to state that other STDs are harder to contract. Most other STDs are curable.

Do you have a counsellor at the moment?

To HIVpos - "They are if they contract HIV. They would be your victim if they contracted gonorrhea or any other STD too if you had concealed your + status ".

The key element in the creation of a victim/perpetrator dynamic is letting someone make the decision to go ahead and have unprotected sex without giving them all the information they need on which to base that decision.

Thank you so much x