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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found a whole load of dodgy crap on my DH's mobile browsing history

88 replies

froggy1811 · 05/02/2019 05:02

Hi, I'm besides myself at the moment, so sorry if I rant, but less than a week ago I joined Tumblr (which my dh has been a member of for quite some time.)

I registered myself under a silly name then searched his username, and went through his 'following' and 'followers list. (All porn type fodder, which I kind of knew anyway) BUT within a day of me telling him I'd joined, he deleted his account, which really got my suspicions up!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided a little snoop of his browser history wouldn't go a miss, and I almost wish I hadn't looked because among a couple of dating/hook up sites (Russian Brides being among them) I came across so much gay and transsexual porn it's untrue. He also had quite a number of gay/bisexual videos and a couple of images saved to his phone.

I have confronted him but he's just stonewalled me and denies it despite the fact he knows that I have seen this!

I have applied for a divorce, but I have six weeks that my petition will be saved, and for some reason I can't bring myself to just send it off and have done with.

I have not slept a single wink since seeing all of this, and I haven't eaten, because I just don't what what I'm dealing with here - I mean, is he gay or bi? Has he been cheating with women?

I'm so confused and messed up right now.

I suppose I ought to add, that this stuff was from early January, and he doesn't seem to have searched it recently, but since I've confronted him he's put a passcode on his phone (because he said he's sick of me waking him up in the night with questions...) which just translates to a guilty conscience to me.

I have known he had a thing about anal penetration for nearly as long as we've been together (as in, him being penetrated just to verify) but he's always assured me it's a fetish and he could never see himself kissing or being intimate with a man.

He buys all these awful underpants from eBay, like jock straps with the back cut out, which I absolutely hate - and have told him so on many occasions.

My ds is 15, and been with dh for 18 years (married 12)

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy1811 · 06/02/2019 07:35

Yes, exactly FlowerInBloom...

Plus I didn't know he was actually bi/gay because I was trying to believe him about the 'fetish' for penetration thing, (which I'm now ashamed to admit I indulged in for his sake.)

Thanks hun Flowers

OP posts:
anniehm · 06/02/2019 07:53

Many gay men did marry because 20 years ago even it was harder - he could also be bi, very common of course to be curious. The positive is that I know of two people who have come out as gay later in life and have good relationships with their (ex) wives. You need to talk!

Original poster
froggy1811 · 06/02/2019 09:48

It's great that they could overcome this, to the point if civility, but I doubt I could ever forgive such a deliberate betrayal...I'm already in bits at the very thoughts of it.

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 06/02/2019 09:57

I don't think this means he is gay. Some people are turned on by the thought of stuff, but don't want the reality. He is watching both gay and straight porn, right? The Russian bride stuff?
However, I'd be more concerned about how he's treating you right now. You're upset and insecure and he's being very cruel not to have this conversation. I'd leave based on that, not the porn.

Original poster
froggy1811 · 06/02/2019 10:00

Well said.

Thank you. X

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy1811 · 06/02/2019 10:03

He doesn't like my refusal to have sex with him, and no, he doesn't work in IT...why do you ask? X

OP posts:
RuggyPeg · 06/02/2019 10:06

'Does he work in IT?'

Is this some kind of code? Is it refering to a tendency for transexuals to have IT related jobs?

Original poster
froggy1811 · 06/02/2019 10:14

Yes, you are right...it's bad enough I've found this crap on his phone, but it's asthough I'm the one being punished for it, just because I had the cheek to ask!

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 06/02/2019 10:30

I am afraid OP this will eat away at you and won’t go away, unless you are very ok with the idea of being bi , then hard as it is I would walk. I suspect he is buying those pants because it’s what some gay men like,

Blooto · 06/02/2019 11:22

His behaviour at the moment is the most telling. If he's unable to come clean and be totally honest then quite right to split.
However, personally I can't see what the issue is with the liking men part? If he's in love with you and wants to be intimate then he must be bi. What's wrong with that?
Do you only find yourself attracted to men who look exactly like your husband, or would you accept him leaving you if you were fantasising about men who don't have the same stature for example? It's a sexual preference, and IF he hasn't acted on it then I really don't see any issue on a partner's sexuality.

Original poster
froggy1811 · 09/02/2019 11:19

Today, after me truly believing we'd had a conversational breakthrough, he drops it on me that I have 'double standards' because I indulged in a threesome conversation with him (involving another women!)

Well that was totally different, because firstly, the fantasy involved HIM having sex with her, and secondly, I don't look lesbian sex up exclusively! (Or atall for that matter, coz I just don't tend to look up porn...)

It's becoming clearer and clearer tbh. The reaction, the aftermath of my discovery.

He's clearly at odds with himself more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy1811 · 09/02/2019 11:20

Woman not women

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy1811 · 09/02/2019 11:22

I ought also to mention here that this was a few years ago

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 09/02/2019 11:29

Annie - I was thinking the same. Twenty years ago, being gay/bi wasn’t so easy or accepted (or known about) as it is today. People got married because that’s what happened.

There are numerous accounts of people coming out in their forties of fifties, after being married in a convential marriage for real or so.

Weenurse · 09/02/2019 22:45

What are you planning to do?

Original poster
froggy1811 · 10/02/2019 07:33

I'm just not sure, and can't seem to make a decision while I'm all over the place like this.

I think it would probably be best if I went to stay with family while I get my head together; however, I really didn't want to leave my son while he is studying so hard. But I guess I'm being no help to him at the moment anyway.

I'm glad I posted here anyway, so thank you everybody. I received some very helpful advice from an inbox that one of you sent me, and I'm really appreciative to everyone for their point of view. Flowers

OP posts:
MinniesMum1606 · 11/02/2019 03:12

The pants he wears are a bit suspicious, I would say that these are worn for easy access to his bum, my brother is gay and has lots of these pants, I know this because I lived with him for a while a few years ago.

Weenurse · 11/02/2019 07:51

Go to your family and get your head straight.
Then decide what to do.

MeMeBig · 11/02/2019 07:56

OP, Russian Brides have been a famous advert not only on porn over the years, wouldn't worry too much.

DharmaInitiativeLady · 11/02/2019 08:48

I'm in a similar situation, OP. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Kittykat93 · 11/02/2019 09:01

Sorry to hear this op Thanks what a horrible shock.

I think your husband is gay. Wanting to be anally penetrated is one thing, but the strange underwear, gay porn and saved videos and images seem a step too far for this to just be exploration.

I couldn't stay with my husband after this, especially not with his denial even with proof. It's awful

TitsalinaBumSquash · 11/02/2019 09:31

I think he reaction shouts loud and clear that he's struggling to come to terms with his sexuality.
The lying and stonewalling is the worst, you can't begin to work through anything while this is going on, that needs to be addressed either way.

mathanxiety · 12/02/2019 04:03

He doesn't like my refusal to have sex with him

Don't let him pressure you into sex.
He may well try giving you an ultimatum or turning this into an alleged problem of lack of trust on your part, and he has already tried to tell you that a conversation you had a good while ago, in the open, together, nothing hidden, is the equivalent of comprehensive deceit he has engaged in - try to disengage and don't let this sort of attack and refusal to address the question of deceit get to you.

He may well try the tack of refusing to answer any questions of yours on the basis that you don't trust him and are very hostile to him or even homophobic. If it happens, this is an attempt to silence you.

I don't think his reaction shows he is struggling to come to terms with his sexuality.
I think his reaction shows he is struggling to respond to being caught and is trying to take back the status he had in the relationship which was based on knowing something (knowing lots of things) that froggy didn't know. He has been caught and what he is doing - gaslighting, denying, going on the offensive - is the response of someone who is protecting his own ego above all else. He doesn't want to think of himself as a deceitful man.

He is struggling with the new reality in which froggy now has information she can use to make decisions for herself that will affect him. Up to now he has made decisions that she knew nothing about that could affect her (please get STD tested, froggy). The tables have turned.

Original poster
froggy1811 · 14/02/2019 03:53

mathanxiety, this is everything that I was trying to say to the people that I've told (but struggled with eloquence...)

He is 100% gaslighting, and I agree, that above all else, he doesn't want to be seen as deceitful (even though we all know he has been!)

Essentially, his world has been rocked by my discovery, and he feels he's losing his power/stability - which I suppose he has.

I just wish wish I could be stronger right now. I wish I didn't care, and most of all I wish I didn't feel so low! Sad funny how your whole life can change overnight.

Thank you for your support and pearls of wisdom. X

OP posts:
Original poster
froggy1811 · 14/02/2019 03:57

Hi everyone,

I'm not being ignorant, I'm just so low right now that it's a job getting myself out of bed (Let alone anything else.)

There is no real update to report. In fact things are just getting worse and worse between us, and I'm falling into what I can only describe as a 'clinical depression'.

I will shake myself out of this soon I hope. Flowers

OP posts: