When stop the wife contacting you.

[lifegoes]

Advice needed...

Recent thread where I found out the truth and told his wife.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3497028-always-trust-your-gut

He denied it all and then admitted it. The wife is keeping me updated all the time and sending me screenshots of what he's saying. I just want to be left out of it now, but I don't want to be awful with her.

How can I stop this or when should I stop the contact. It's been a few days now and she's calling me and messaging me.

Obv he's saying it was nothing, I'm a nutcase all the standard lies as I found him out. But when do I stop this ?

I would send her a message saying...
“Hi XX. Hope you’re well. I understand you’re having a really difficult time at the moment and I feel I have done the right thing by informing you, but I was hurt by this situation too and feel I need to now step back and leave you to make your own decisions. I wish you well for the future but for my own mental health now I am going to remove myself from this situation.
Take care”

Then block

I think that the wife believes you. There is no need for further contact. Message her politely and kindly, telling her that and wishing her all the best. If she persists you can block her but hopefully it won't come to that.

Just ignore the messages. No response at all is a powerful message in itself. Their marriage is their problem, not yours. Do nothing.

@BreastSideStory that's a nice reply. I don't want to be awful to her. I know she is hurting.

I wish I hadn't told her, but I had to know myself.

I'll wait till she messages again and I'll use that. Thank you

@SuperSuperSuper he denied it all at first so she asked for more screenshots and he finally admitted it. So I hope she does believe me.

I feel stuck as I don't want to be awful, but she keeps asking me if he's been in touch and do I promise I'll tell her if he does. I just want to walk away now.

@lifegoes I would just ignore him if messages you at all, unless it’s threatening in nature at which point I’d contact the police

Maybe she's updating you because she wants to be absolutely sure that you're out of it / it's over between you and her husband? maybe that needs to be a part of the message

@BreastSideStory he wouldn't dare contact me

I know she is hurting. I wish I hadn't told her, but I had to know myself.

But you have told her.

How can I stop this or when should I stop the contact. It's been a few days now and she's calling me and messaging me.

A few days now? Like fuck is it. You told her on Saturday. So 48 hours ago you tossed a hand grenade into this woman's life and now want to walk away and leave her to pick up the pieces?

As for using this suggested reply

I wish you well for the future but for my own mental health now I am going to remove myself from this situation

Nice. I'm all right Jack, but fuck you.

@LondonBelongsToMe I've made it very clear that once it was confirmed he as married still. I would never ever go back. I just wish I'd trusted my gut at the start.

She said she's showing me the messages as she's had to see what he's said to me (although she asked to see proof of certain things)

In one message he tells her he has to work now. I'd be furious if that was me

@ShatnersWig I don't want to walk away, I'm happy to answer the questions she has. But at the same time it's causing her more pain by I doing so.

That's why I'm asking for advice.

I don't want to walk away

Really? An hour ago you agreed with that posters suggested response and then blocking her. Only 40 minutes ago you said I just want to walk away now

I suspect she'll be in more pain if you block her and leave her with lots of unanswered questions, personally.

I think you owe that woman an explanation. By getting in touch with her (which I don’t think was wrong) you now need to woman up and help her through this.

@ShatnersWig I've posted on here for advice on the situation, therefore I'm listening to what people say.

Everybody had a different opinion and I'm trying to figure out the best solution. As I'm listening to your point.

This will be awful on her, hence why I have kept speaking to her. But at the same time I'm causing more pain by keeping telling her.

I'm looking for advice here, not a punishment.

@zippey that's why I'm wondering when do I stop. Or do I just wait until she does.

Every question every call every message I have tried my best to answer honestly but without hurting her. Sometimes she wants information as he's lying about things. I think if I send her that it will hurt her and there's enough hurt for her.

I guess I just wanted advice from anyone been in that situation both sides

Honestly I think I’d just block the wife and the man and move on with my life.

No need for you to be updated, or answer questions. If you really genuinely didn’t know he was married then this hurt he caused her is all on him, she should of been the most important thing in his life and he hurt her for a cheap thrill with you.

Seriously just move on with your life, being in touch is no good for you and it certainly isn’t going to help her pain

I would just let her know that the situation has been upsetting for you too so you need to step back now. Don't block her unless she keeps messaging.

You didn't know you were with a taken man and since you've found out you've done your best to make things right. This guy has wronged both of you, this is all on him.

@PinkHeart5914 @incendio I 100% didn't know. I asked him over and over as my gut didn't seem right. But he swore he was separated, showed texts between them.

I understand she will be in pain and yes by telling her I've caused that. He blames me for ruining his family.

I guess I just don't know which way to go for the best. Even advice on here is conflicting.

But thank you so much, for giving me the advice. A lot of it makes sense

I agree with Zippy, you got involved with her when you told her. You owe her an explanation and answers. I don’t hold with dropping the bomb then cutting and running. You could have stayed out of it.

But it’s your decision again. It would be poor to block her, so a kind message as suggested. Then back away from the drama and stop posting about her.

He's a serial cheater, so he is probably lying over and over to her right now. She doesn't know what to think, probably doesn't want to split up her family without evidence that proves he's a git of the highest order.

Help her out, if you have the answers she needs, tell her. She will be hurting, of course she will. Keeping things from her, or minimising them won't reduce that hurt.

Two days is nothing. She's processing, remembering when he told her xyz, was he actually with you? She's not going to recall all of that on day 1, give her a few days to work through it before telling her you need to step away.

@LemonTT oh don't get me wrong I've not ignored her at all.

I've answered everything she's asked and I'm happy to support. I was concerned it's making it worse for her.

But I will take on aboard what everyone has said and stick with it.

@DropZoneOne good points. I do agree more time is needed for her. I didn't think about her having to process it all and then listening to what he says.

To me I've just found him out to be a liar and I know she's telling me the truth. But it's different for her and I need to respect that and give her what she needs.

You could tell her you want nothing to do with him and have blocked him. You could say you have moved on. You could say with that in mind you are changing your mobile number and do not want to hear from him ever and stick to that.

What did you think would happen? Breathtaking lack of empathy from you. He is obviously still lying to her which means her entire marriage is a mess, her life, and she has no idea who to believe or what to do.

@Winterhatsandgloves I have actually told her all of that. Apart from the number changes

I've spoke to her on the phone lots. I've sent her proof. I've told her I will message her if he contacts. I said if she needs anything I will do what i can. I'm just asking for advice

I went into this to find out the truth as I was sure he was lying. (Part of me wanted to be wrong) he was lying.

I think you should tell her what she wants to know - don't patronise her by withholding things that you think will hurt her. Personally I'd give her a week to get her questions out and then send Breastsidestory's message.