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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When stop the wife contacting you.

99 replies

lifegoes · 04/02/2019 14:52

Advice needed...

Recent thread where I found out the truth and told his wife.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3497028-always-trust-your-gut

He denied it all and then admitted it. The wife is keeping me updated all the time and sending me screenshots of what he's saying. I just want to be left out of it now, but I don't want to be awful with her.

How can I stop this or when should I stop the contact. It's been a few days now and she's calling me and messaging me.

Obv he's saying it was nothing, I'm a nutcase all the standard lies as I found him out. But when do I stop this ?

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegoes · 04/02/2019 17:07

Thank you @category12 that really helps. Definitely need to make sure I can answer what I can. She knows He lies to me and it's not his first affair with her, So I need to help answer questions.

Xx

OP posts:
minieggmunchers · 04/02/2019 17:13

The poor wife has had her life turned upside down and none of it will be making sense right now. She is in shock. This may take her time to process and I think if you really wanted to make the situation better, then you should allow her to ask you questions. The time will come she will hate you and her anger will be directed at you- this could become dangerous, but allow her the chance to ask questions just now. She didn't make the choice to find this out, you made it for her and she will be hurt and confused. However, there should be a time limit. I agree with Category12, give her a week, then be kind.

Bess78 · 04/02/2019 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lifegoes · 04/02/2019 17:31

Thank you @minieggmunchers you are totally right.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegoes · 04/02/2019 17:37

@Bess78 thank you so much for that post.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through this. I don't believe anyone deserves to be cheated on or hurt.

Your post has helped me.

OP posts:
Bess78 · 04/02/2019 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheripie64 · 04/02/2019 18:27

Bess78
Totally agree with your post
Fair play

scatcat01 · 04/02/2019 18:48

OP I am getting pretty annoyed with people slating you. The GUY behaved like shit. Not you. You reached out to the other woman in the spirit of sisterhood but you quite rightly (and healthily) want to step out now.

Original poster
lifegoes · 04/02/2019 18:53

@scatcat01 thank you. I really started to question myself through some of those posts. 😂

I understand though it can be strange topic to cover and I may have come across heartless (maybe). I asked him over and over and he lied to me convinced me I was wrong.

I just wanted advice on how to approach this now with the wife. As the last thing I want is to cause more pain.

Thank you for being so lovely 😘

OP posts:
category12 · 04/02/2019 18:57

I don't think OP is being slated generally - most posters haven't been having a go.

As someone who was gaslighted and lied to for years by cheating ex, I did once contact the OW of the time, and I got a vague non-response back. I would have really appreciated some honesty from someone, tbh.

You don't owe this to her, OP, but if you've got it in you to give her answers, having opened the box, I think it's the right thing to do. Not forever, but a short period.

Original poster
lifegoes · 04/02/2019 19:49

@category12 that's what I've been trying to do. Anything she has asked I Have answered honestly. I probably tried to protect her from some messages at first as I didn't want to cause more pain than she was going through.

She started to send me texts messages he was saying about me and I said that's understandable he's going to say those things. But I just didn't want to go down the tit for tat route I guess.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/02/2019 23:59

You did the right thing. I just find it sad that his wife hasn't realised he's a serial cheat and ended it.

What else does she need to know. What kind of marriage is it when you have to keep checking stuff with the OW... who had no idea she was the OW.

I feel for her...but I couldn't do what she's doing. I'd have kicked him out.

I'd probably say... I really want to put this all behind now and continued contact is making it difficult. I wish you all the best.

Windyone · 05/02/2019 00:05

PinkHeart has the answer. Block both and move on, nothing more required.

Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 00:12

@SandyY2K wife told me this evening he's had another woman on the go whilst with me. She doesn't know how true but he's stayed at a hotel one night and assumed now it was with me. Which it wasn't.

I don't know how true it is, but another reason why I think I need to stay nice but try to move on. I don't know if she's trying to hurt me or be honest.

OP posts:
minieggmunchers · 05/02/2019 04:35

While she will be hurting, you are too. What he is done is take your sanity from you and for a while you will struggle too. I totally understand why you told her and think you did the right thing, but if she is getting too much, then walk away for your own mental health. He probably did have others on the go, but you need to move on from it now before it comes toxic. The more the wife messages you, the more you will mess up your head. You have acted with dignity and shown you are not the crazy OW (as he is no doubt saying, cheaters script). Start to back off now, then in 2 days go no contact. You don't need to be involved or know any more. Good luck OP, this must be hard for you. x

Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 07:18

Thank you @minieggmunchers I def need to hear that this morning

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/02/2019 10:25

Her telling you all that just makes her seem foolish for putting up with it.

You've given her the info you had. It's time for her to decide what she wants to do and leave you out of it.

Personally... I'd do as I said upthread and block her.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 05/02/2019 10:42

Very confused by the posters having a go at OP.

OP, you’re the victim to. You did the right thing in telling this woman, he’s putting her health at risk and violating her consent by having other sexual partners while claiming he’s faithful to her.

Now you’ve told her, you have zero responsibility to hold her hand through it, when you’re also hurting and have your own healing to be getting on with. So feel no shame or guilt in cutting contact and moving on. I’m amazed that anyone would dare to suggest it’s your responsibility or duty to help her cope with this situation rather than the responsibility and duty of her actual husband, the person who caused this whole mess!

Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 10:56

@VietnameseCrispyFish thank you.

I feel awful today, I feel so worthless, used and ashamed that I believed him. I know time will heal. But I hate him for everything he has done and how I'm now feeling

OP posts:
Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 11:02

@SandyY2K I think you are right.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/02/2019 12:54

I feel awful today, I feel so worthless, used and ashamed that I believed him.

Please don't feel like this. It's not your fault at all. When someone sets out to deceive you, they're steps ahead of you.

A serial cheater like him, will have mastered the art of deception.

LuckyLou7 · 05/02/2019 13:13

Please try to move away from feeling worthless, used and ashamed. He's not worth any more of your emotional energy. He's the one who is worthless, not you.

Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 13:14

@SandyY2K true. His wife said it's the exact same as what he did with the last one, the way he found me, acted and what he said.

I just keep reminding myself I'm worth so much more than a man so desperate for attention he feels the need to lie, control, manipulate different women. To make himself feel like a man.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 05/02/2019 13:34

Just tell her the truth, whatever she asks just answer honestly even if it hurts her.

You wanted to tell her, now tell her.

Original poster
lifegoes · 05/02/2019 14:05

@Myheartbelongsto I think you need to read the full thread!!! I have told her what she's asked. Do I need to tell her every little detail or can she not just speak to her husband. He's done this not me

OP posts:
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