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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

977 replies

jamaisjedors · 04/02/2019 12:12

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 04/03/2019 12:52

Sorry to hear you're still having problems with him Jamais. X

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/03/2019 13:52

Long chat again last night, according to him we didn't sleep together at all over the holiday!
When I talked about him not respecting my limits, notably in bed, he just said he hadn't raped me and I could say no when I wanted, and then sarcastically said he was "a naughty boy" for wanting to sleep with his wife.

He said we could talk about again in counseling.

I asked him why he thought a week's sulking was justified and he still thinks it is, I don't think there's anywhere to go from this.

OP posts:
Lisette1940 · 04/03/2019 14:08

His behaviour's really not on.

LizzieSiddal · 04/03/2019 14:10

I don't think there's anywhere to go from this.

No, there really isn't.

Lisette1940 · 04/03/2019 14:17

You've tried pretty much everything Jamais. It's not your fault.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/03/2019 14:25

You're just going round and round in circles. You've told him, repeatedly, that the sulking isn't acceptable. He's of the belief that it's perfectly reasonable.

It's time to get off the merry-go-round Flowers

pointythings · 04/03/2019 14:28

So he thinks sulking for a week is fine and that he did nothing wrong. You know what you need to do now. Good luck. Flowers

billybagpuss · 04/03/2019 14:46

He does need to realise that sulking is a non negotiable limit and he clearly doesn't so I agree, you did try.

RandomMess · 04/03/2019 15:12

Rape isn't ok and neither is coercion AngryAngryAngry

And neither is bloody sulking on purpose and playing f*cking mind games AngryAngryAngry

Fairenuff · 04/03/2019 16:14

Why the fuck is he focussing on whether or not he had sex? That should be the least of his worries right now. Just when you think he couldn't be less concerned about you at all, he sinks to a new low.

I think you might actually need to look at the freedom programme now because if all this isn't enough to make you leave, I don't know what will. I think you will just stay with him.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2019 16:40

When you next go to counselling with him, he thinks you are going to talk about the sex issue.

Actually, it's not something that's even on your radar at the moment. It's not important to you, it's not a priority so don't let him set the agenda.

I honestly do think that you should drop the bombshell in the counselling and ask the counsellor to help you separate. He needs to just know that he failed to meet your needs and you failed to meet his.

It's not about blame, it's about compatibility.

He needs to know that it's over now. There is no more promising, no more talking, no more trying. That's all been done and doing it all over again won't produce anything different.

Please get yourself away from him before you lose what's left of your self esteem.

TowelNumber42 · 04/03/2019 18:35

Did you get to see another house today?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 04/03/2019 19:10

I did. Unfortunately it had a lot of mould and smelt of smoke so not good (I have allergies). It wasn't available til may anyway but it could have worked out because may is not that far away.

Am keeping my eyes open for something else.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/03/2019 19:32

I suggest you get all your ducks signed sealed and delivered before telling him at counselling you are leaving. He will turn even nastier and punish you Thanks

Mitzimaybe · 05/03/2019 12:39

Honestly I wouldn't tell him that it is over until you have somewhere else to go. Given how much he is punishing you for laughing at someone else's joke, how much will he punish you for leaving him? Don't risk it.

By all means keep telling him that continuing to push for sex after you said no is not acceptable and is in fact rape. That sulking for a week after a joke is not acceptable. But don't tell him that the marriage is over.

It might help you to document everything in writing as he is clearly willing to rewrite history (no sex on the holiday!) to suit his narrative.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 05/03/2019 20:34

Thanks, I am actually regularly keeping a journal after advice on here and I have written that down.

It helps to get it out in paper, and it helps for when I see my counselor to jog my memory.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 06/03/2019 01:48

Just ensure there's no chance of him accessing your journal.

GoldenSyrupLion · 06/03/2019 09:54

Coercion not rape, surely Mitzi?

Mitzimaybe · 06/03/2019 10:42

If she says no and he forces her into it against her wishes?

Cambionome · 12/03/2019 06:26

How are you, op?

TowelNumber42 · 12/03/2019 07:41

How's the house search going? There is fuck all on the market round where I live. Brexit presumably.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/03/2019 16:00

Hi all, I was just going to post a bit of an update so thanks for asking after me.

Last week we had a session with the psychologist/marriage counsellor on Thursday night.

H explained about the silent treatment for a week at the end of the holiday and why he felt it was justified.

The counsellor put her finger on a few important things :

  1. Even if HE needs this time alone to get over his hurt, on my side this avoidance of conflict just makes things worse because I get more and more hurt as the week goes on, and I also have no idea what has happened so cannot fix it or at least apologise for it.
  1. H said he didn't feel supported in our relationship. She asked me if he was in fact able to receive any support for me (ie he refuses to let me "look after him" when he is not well, and refuses any communication when he is feeling bad). She pointed out that I am in fact TRYING to support him and be there (less so lately) but that he seems unable to accept any support from me.
  1. She said we have got to a place where we (particularly H) interpret everything the other person does/says negatively, we have become enemies (again that H in particular sees me as out to get him).

My psychologist agreed with this (saw her yesterday) and says H has actually no idea of what he needs and so I cannot possibly give him anything until he is capable of formulating his needs clearly and calmly (and without sulking!).

I thought all of the discussion was quite a breakthrough, for me anyway in that I know now that this "silent treatment/sulking" which I had identified as a major issue in our relationship, is actually really "a thing".

I know you have all told me that, but I worry that I only represent my side of the story here. To see the psychologist put her finger on it in the 3rd session was pretty impressive and validated my feelings and analysis of the situation a lot.

Unfortunately H seems incapable of seeing it, by Saturday afternoon he was giving me the silent treatment again, and despite multiple attempts to find out what was wrong, he refused to tell me until the following evening.

The house hunt is not going well at all, I will need to rent initially and there is just nothing coming up. I have alerts set on several websites but perhaps need to see an agency too.

We are back in the joint counselling tonight, my counsellor was right, it is really helping me to go, basically because now there is NO doubt that this is NOT all in my head and I'm not throwing away a perfectly good marriage because of H being a bit "quiet sometimes"...

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 12/03/2019 16:22

Unfortunately H seems incapable of seeing it, by Saturday afternoon he was giving me the silent treatment again, and despite multiple attempts to find out what was wrong, he refused to tell me until the following evening. He playing you, He knew what the issue was (and I guess it was something minor) until he deemed that YOU had been punished enough.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 12/03/2019 16:27

He said he was losing patience with me (didn't get any more specific) and that he doesn't want any more discussions outside the therapist's office because otherwise there's no regulation/too much emotion.

Actually I'm calmer than I've ever been with him, but I'm certainly distant.

I think what he's really losing patience with is the lack of intimacy, ironically I was thinking of approaching him on the Saturday night but when I got home and he was in a grump there was no way (plus he came up to bed at midnight and got back up at 5am).

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 12/03/2019 16:43

Of intimacy is 'lacking' why the hell would you to be intimate when he treating you like this.

HE needs to improve HIS behaviour towards you before you will go down that path.