Confronting DH about his sulking...part2

[jamaisjedors]

New thread :
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

First one is running out of space due to all the amazing support I have had from all you mners!

To summarize, H is a serious sulker, gives me the silent treatment to get his own way or to "punish" me.

I was ready to leave, almost out the door over Christmas/New year.

Things have calmed down now as he has agreed to see a psychotherapist and suggested marriage counselling. I have my own psychotherapist.

Now trying to work through why on earth this has happened and make a calm, rational decision about my future and our family's future.

@WelshDad78 thanks for your very helpful post. I'm glad you and your wife and making things work and that you have seen that it was worth the struggle.

I think you are unfortunately right, H seems occasionally to give a glimmer of hope of change but then goes back to totally refusing to budge.

This :
" Rewind 5 years or so, and my wife would have just waited out the sulk until things were back to 'normal' - but the underlying stress of it never goes away. Not really. Its insidious, builds resentment and causes further problems down the line."

Is so true, and what the counselor pointed out. The resentment and all the things swallowed and left unsaid just build up.

Unfortunately H is back to thinking that brushing things under the carpet is the way to go, and in the context of all that has happened over the last 10 years I can't just " let it go" anymore.

@Jeezoh you are not totally wrong, I sometimes veer into thinking that we can work this out or that he will "see" and I'm lucky MN (and counseling) are there to keep me on track.

I think you are in France due to your user name, if so go to the pharmacy for some Donormyl or generic version. It's an over the counter sleeping pill. Basically an old type anti-histamine. I'm terrible for waking in the night and it's a god send at getting me to sleep through. There about 2€ for 10, take a 1/2.

Thanks.

This kind of abuse is a bit like an optical illusion - one minute you see it as clear as day, the next you don't, even when you search for it you just can't see it.

I was in an horrifically abusive marriage and even I sometimes wonder if it was that bad, if there isn't some explanation, some way to normalise it and make it plausible, palatable.

I think you will forever wonder if it is what it so very clearly is. This will lessen once you get away - you have to flatten them out, make them the 2D baddie in order to move forward, else you will always second guess yourself.

My abuser died horribly in an accident, which ups my tolerance for him and what he did. I find myself musing about this and that : how young I was/busy with life, career/how young he was blah blah. I am a naturally compassionate sort and I can wring my hands and feel sorrow that I/we didn't try harder..

Then the optical illusion comes into focus and I remember I had no hope at all against his abuse, that I was the only one who was trying, slogging my guts out to try to make it work, while he did nothing but up the abuse - and justify it!

My, our, problem is we humanise our abusers too much. They aren't like us is the bottom line.

You are so right, I guess there is some kind of cognitive dissonance going on too, you think "he can't be that bad, I chose to marry him and have kids with him etc."

You are doing brilliantly Jamais and are managing to stay strong in the midst of everything going on around you. Your counsellor seems to be able to read him like a book. Fair play to her. You just need to keep quoting her back to him and let him know that what he is doing and saying is not normal behaviour.

I just read your first thread and now this thread. You are doing fantastically! Slowly but surely make your plans.

Your couples counselor is reading him like a book. I like them! I am glad that they are enabling you to see him and keeping things realistic. Sometimes they are just a very neutral party to help you work through things. It is helpful to call people on their behaviours.

When it comes to actual leaving I would give your boss a heads up. You never know what he will do or say to sour things for you. You don’t need to give intimate details, just a blurb, but be the one to get it out first so you are not chasing rumours.

Is the house owned by both of you? Is it in your name as well? If so, can you stay and get him to leave until the financials are dealt with? The reason I say this is I know of people who have left the marital golem for the person to have stayed to say they won’t sell and won’t buy the other person out. It becomes a miserable court battles with money and years wasted. I do not know your countries laws but one thing to ask your solicitor about. What issues there could be if he refuses outright to deal with the sell of the family home.

Cheering you on from the sidelines OP!

I think your need for certainty and the steady approach is good. A bit like springydaff said, when there is an optical illusion going on, it can be too easy to flip from seeing clearly to being back in the fog. It's when you are back in the fog because he's switched to his nice mode, that the certainty and clarity you are ensuring you have, will pay off. Historically, his mode switching has kept you in line, and that is no longer happening. Keep posting, keep going, the way is becoming clearer for you and you are showing incredible strength

@WelshDad78 I also found your post very insightful and it resonated with me, I am pleased you and your wife have been able to move forward.

@CanuckBC thanks for your concern. I have seen a solicitor.

I am guessing H will stay in the family home.

A friend did similar and her H had to pay her for half the value of the house plus solicitor's fees for it being signed over to him.

We won't need to sell it, there is actually enough money in the bank for H to pay me off outright I think (unless the house has jumped in value crazily).

I suppose I should talk to the solicitor about whether that leaves me in a weaker position because I will be renting and then have to re-buy somewhere (paying estate agents 10% and solicitor's fees).

OP careful though buying you out with money from the bank means he is paying you with money that is yours as well don’t allow him to walk away with more

I would personally get him to move out or sell the house

Get legal advice and start the process

Thanks, yes half it it is mine.

Why can't he move out and you and the children Stay?

Good luck. I hope a home becomes available soon. I'm not sure I could keep this going until Summer.

He sounds like an exhausting, narcissistic 12 year old.

So in effect if he pays you out you need to take into account half the savings first and he pays from his half

You need to make sure that you get what you are entitled to - 50% house, 50% of savings, investments etc, support for children.

I know you are not in UK

• are you entitled to more than 50% of house as you will be resident parent?
• are you entitled to half of his pension etc?

Do you have access to the bank accounts - is it a shared account? If so could you move 50% over into a completely separate bank so he doesn't make that money "disappear"?

Also if he's planning to use the money in the shared bank account to pay you half of the value of the house I agree it sounds as you will be funding a lot of your share of the family home yourself, leaving him coming off in a much better financial situation than you.

Hi, yes I have access to all accounts and everything is in joint names. I have already taken screen shots of all of the different accounts and given them to my solicitor.

Once I find somewhere to live, I will go back to see the solicitor and talk through all the consequences with her before telling H.

I have already told her what I plan to do and it seems fine to her.

The reason I don't want to stay in our current house is that it is in the countryside, a big house and garden with lots of upkeep and no public transport.

I couldn't stay here and keep it up on my own and I actually don't want to either, even if it pains me to leave a house in which I invested hours and weeks redecorating, sanding floors etc. But it's only a house.

The DC love it here and so does H and so if he was happy to stay here at least they wouldn't lose their home.

I plan to move to a small town which is better my work and where Dc1 is going to school from September. He could then be independent as a teen and walk to school.

I would have to drive dc2 for 2 years so as not to uproot him but it's only 15-20 mins max and then he would go to the same school as Dc1.

I'm still following Jamais. Great to hear how calm, fair and sensible your future plans sound.

I'm sure you're right that your dc1 will benefit from being walking distance to his new school and friends as he gets older. I'm sure you'll benefit too from not having to be the only family taxi driver from country to town as their social lives expand. It's amazing how little beautifully sanded floors and big gardens matter in the making of a happy family home!

Thanks

I suppose I should talk to the solicitor about whether that leaves me in a weaker position because I will be renting and then have to re-buy somewhere (paying estate agents 10% and solicitor's fees).

Yes, it would and you should - not just that, but the fact that you would have to buy a house large enough for the children, decorate and furnish etc.

All that should be taken into account and you should be receiving a decent amount more than the 50% of the current house.

Even things like, presumably with more paid offhte mortgage on the current house (or maybe you have paid it off) you will then be spending years paying interest on a new mortgage loan - why should you have that extra debt compared to asset and him not?

It's quite complex to work out fairly.

You're right, it is complex but the solicitor I saw seems very on top of all of that.

We are mortgage free but it is true that if I have to buy somewhere else I will pay fees and yes, the settlement should reflect that plus the fact that I will have to refurnish a rented house from scratch.

Although the settlement will only be AFTER the divorce, and I can't buy anywhere til then. So I will be using joint money to furnish a new house.

It's true that H "could" possibly move money out of the joint accounts but I have screen shots of everything with dates to show what was there.

I don't think he will, honestly, I think he wants to come out of this looking like he was wronged, so he is unlikely to play games with money.

Can't remember if I said it before, but he has said to me that he will tell everyone that he threw me out because I was such a pain and impossible to live with if we break up.

I think that shows the extent of his delusion about our relationship that he thinks anyone who knows me or is would believe that was true.

When l was going through my divorce, my solicitor said XH was entitled to half the house contents, just like l was. So don't think you have to purchase everything again....unless you want to of course..... . XH did purchase everything out of his own money and blamed me for him being skint....even though l have messages to prove that l asked him what he wanted.

I have realised that and my solicitor is very keen that I don't make any compromises on money now for an easy life be sure I will then regret it down the line.

I had originally been thinking I would get all second hand furniture out of my own money which is in the UK, she made me realize that is not at all the thing to do.

Good to read that your solicitor will not let you screw yourself financially out of misplaced guilt 😉

Yes she nipped that tendency in the bud straight away.

She was recommended by a friend who originally walked away with very little (used a different solicitor) during her divorce, and then had to go back to court for a settlement (with this new solicitor).

So she (and my friend) were able to tell me to be very careful about what to settle for and focus on creating a nice new life for me and the DC's.

She is also keen that all of the financial discussion gets done in the early days to make everyone's life calmer and easier long term, particularly the children who shouldn't get caught into being go-betweens.